What the hell is happening?
He doesn't see me, and she's too busy grinding on him to notice me. She's actually holding MY headboard while she rides Tyler completely unaware of me watching.
And I still can't move.
Leaning against the doorframe, I don't know what to say, or do, or even how I make this stop.
I don't know anything as I watch him rubbing her back gently like he rubs mine when I'm on top. He's touching her the way he touches me and moving under her the way he moves under me just before he finishes.
Barely breathing, I can't understand what he's doing with her.
Absurdly, I wonder if this is how crimes of passion occur. Is this how a murder starts? Is this the disassociated seemingly abstract feeling that takes over the perpetrator before they commit a murder?
Oh my god...
I don't know what to do, and my body won't move. I don't even have a voice while I'm stuck still watching a nightmare unfold.
Feeling tears pour down my face, my eyes stay glued to Tyler's big hands gently touching her back as he caresses her like he caresses me.
"I love you, Tyler," she moans as she leans down to kiss him. Watching her ass rise and fall on top of him I wait for his voice.
She loves him?
My heart is actually pounding harder than the bass beats I no longer hear.
Everything has faded to a dark tunnel of disbelief.
The music has faded and my eyes have narrowed to focus only on the horrific scene in front of me as it continues.
It's like I'm watching one of Tyler's porns. I'm completely unaffected by the sex itself but mesmerized by the people as they move.
I don't know what to do until I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the need to punch her in the back of the head so I can strangle him before she recovers.
"Lovey..." Tyler moans between kisses and I finally snap out of my painful trance of disbelief.
Gagging loudly, my hand just covers my mouth as a cry bursts from my chest.
Lovey?
That's what Tyler calls me. And though I absolutely hate it, he has always called me Lovey since the moment we met. During tender moments, moments after sex, or even during late nights watching the news together. Tyler would say such sweet things to me- and he would call me Lovey. And though I always hated that annoying term of endearment, it was mine. It was Tyler's claim on me because I am his Lovey.
When Tyler finally opens his eyes from sucking on her nipples he suddenly sees me and seems to suffer his own moment of utter disbelief.
"Oh, fuck. Get off!" He yells trying to push the woman off his hips.
Watching, I actually start crying louder and laughing a little when I see her bare down on him harder and faster while Tyler tries to push himself out from under her. Shitty for him, I think she clearly misunderstood which get off he actually meant.
"It's okay. You may as well finish," I yell over the music before covering my mouth as I spin away from this nightmare finally.
Sprinting from my bedroom, I make it to the living room grabbing Ty's iPhone from the speaker base to turn their awful music off.
Holding myself together tightly, my body finally reacts as the sudden silence deafens me. Throwing and smashing his phone on the ceramic tiles in the kitchen, I collapse on the couch gasping for breath.
Crying and laughing, Tyler rounds the corner wearing only boxers on his body and a frantic expression on his face.
Stopping all movement, we stare at each other for an eternity.
Looking at my future crash down around me, I honestly feel like I hate him in this disgusting moment between us.
"Are you done?" I ask before bursting out laughing again.
I think I've gone mental over this and all I have is my laughter because I don't know what else to do. Sadly, it appears the moment for head punching and strangulation has passed for me.
Walking toward me, I push back into the couch as he sits on the coffee table to stare at me. Looking every bit as confused as I feel Tyler tears up a little as I wait for something from him.
Shaking his head he eventually pulls in a big breath before speaking. "I'm so sorry. I, uh, don't really know what to say here. This is, um..."
Turning quickly, we both look over at his slut moving toward us in only the long Ramones t-shirt I bought Tyler last Christmas. Wow, did she actually go through my dresser drawers?
"What's going on Ty?" She asks glaring at me like a possessive whore.
"Yes, what IS going on, Ty?" I ask in such a distorted voice I mock both of them at once. "Actually, I saw what was going on in my bed. But what's actually going on?"
"We're in LOVE!" Who-the-fuck-ever suddenly yells at me causing that potential crime of passion rage to build to nearly unmanageable. "Tell her, Tyler. You may as well tell her now. Her exam is tomorrow, right?" She reasons with him and glares at me like a bitch.
Holy shit. She knows about my exam like she actually knows about me. What the hell is going on?
"Kaitlyn, you should leave, okay?" Tyler says softly. Listening, I feel such hurt by his soft voice for her I gasp another little cry when he turns back to me.
"Yeah, Kaitlyn... Get the hell out of my apartment!" I suddenly yell when my shock fades completely. Watching Tyler turn back from my outburst to Kaitlyn almost in apology, I see everything very, very clearly suddenly. "Wow," I choke. "I guess you better go with her, too. This is clearly more than a one-time thing."
"We're in love, Saige. And I'm NOT a one-time thing. Right, Baby?"
Absolutely stunned that this strange woman in my own home knows my name, and is talking back to me to almost intentionally provoke me, I close down and stare between the 2 of them in silence.
Tyler of course looks like he's freaked out and struggling, but she doesn't. She's wearing a satisfied smile that screams everything she's saying is the truth. The fact that Tyler hasn't told her to shut the hell up or even attempted to deny anything gives all my unspoken questions the answers I didn't want to know.
Exhaling a long breath as I try to get my head together I really don't know what to say in this situation. Truthfully, I never thought I'd ever be in this situation. Especially with Tyler.
"You smell like dirty sex," I gag and start laughing again.
Okay, not a profound statement, but true nonetheless. He smells like sex and sweat and someone else's perfume. He even has her nasty sex scent on him.
Oh god... Hunching over my own body, I can't handle this right now. "I can't even go lie down," I say to no one.
Standing in front of Tyler he reaches for my hand as I flinch away. "Don't touch me. Could you please just go now? Take Kaitlyn with you and go live your life."
"DON'T tell him what to do, bitch!" She has the nerve to yell at me which makes me finally snap out of my devastated calm.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT!" I scream before turning on Tyler. "Get her out of here before I lose my fucking mind! Take your whore and GET. THE. FUCK. OUT!" When Tyler does actually grab me, I fight his hold and whip around and out of the way. "Listen you fucking whore, I'll call the police if I have to. So get the fuck out before I have you thrown out!"
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"Now! Get the fuck out NOW! Tyler, I swear to god if you don't get out and take her with you I'll fucking kill you. NOW!!!" I scream so loudly I swear the windows rattled before I suddenly closed my mouth the second his whore jumped and ran for my bedroom.
She better be getting her shit to get the hell out of here or I'll kill them both with my bare fucking hands.
Holding myself still, I feel pain pulsing in my head from yelling, and a deep agony ripping through my heart from Tyler. I know I'm not even capable of truly crying yet because a dazed numb has taken me over.
"You need to calm down, Saige. This isn't you," Tyler pleads beside me and again I'm stunned and shocked and pissed that he still thinks he can soothe me. Christ, he lost the right to soothe me the very second he caused this nightmare.
"Leave, Tyler. I don't care where you go but just get the hell out. I have my exam tomorrow and I need you out of here."
"Um, this is my apartment, too. And I'm not leaving," Tyler says and I can't hide my disbelief again as my jaw drops. Staring at him with my arms holding myself tightly together, I'm simply stunned by his behavior right now. "We need to talk, Lovey-"
Losing my mind completely, I laugh, "Lovey? Are you fucking kidding me? I HATE that name- I always have. But you said it was me. You said I was your lovey, but now you call some other woman in my own bed Lovey while fucking her and you're not leaving? How can you be so cruel to me? Seriously?! How can you hurt me this way? I've done nothing to you, ever. I've been the perfect girlfriend and you were-"
"Except when you worked and studied and went to school all the time," he huffs in my face.
Wow. Well, that was as close to a slap across my face as Tyler’s ever given me. Pausing to stare at the man I love, there is nothing left for me here anymore.
He has always supported my schooling and wanted me to do well. He helped me study and he was proud of me always. Tyler was the perfect boyfriend to me, and I loved him so much, I actually thanked god for him in my life.
Shaking my head, my heartache quickly turns to anger. "I can't believe you just said that. I truly can't believe you said that to me. Talk about mixed messages. You've supported every single thing I've done to get where I am so I can get where I want to be. You have always known why this was important to me, and you said you understood why I needed to do this. But now you throw it in my face?"
"I'm not throwing it in your face, I'm just saying there's more-"
"Tyler are we staying or leaving?" His whore suddenly asks and I can not believe the nerve of this bitch.
I can't believe she was just caught screwing a man in another woman's bed and she's acting like she's the injured party. Looking over at her with her trampy clothes, long legs, and sexy dark hair, I'm embarrassed for her. And really, for myself as well.
When Tyler turns back to her without anger or embarrassment I have my answer to absolutely everything between us.
And our 4 year relationship is over.
"Stay," I say simply as I walk past the woman actually glaring at me again. "I'll leave tonight, but you better be out of here when I return at 1:30 tomorrow. You better be gone or I will call the police and have you removed," I explain to the whore. "This may be your place, too," I seethe at a silent Tyler, "But it isn't hers. So get her the hell out of here!"
"Listen Saige, I’ll stay wherever the fuck Tyler want me to stay."
"TYLER!" I scream over her bitchy voice so he finally snaps into action.
Walking to his whore Kaitlyn, Tyler begins speaking quietly to her as I watch horrified. Feeling like I'm going to be sick, I leave them for my disgusting bedroom.
Opening my closet I can still smell their sex and I want to scream and barf and kill them at the same time.
The urge to kill is so sudden I actually have to take a deep breath before I do something I can never walk away from. I have to breathe away the violence coursing through my veins, and I have to breathe away the urge to ruin my entire life.
Yanking clothes from my closet, I realize I handled myself fairly well considering. Though honestly, it’s not very satisfying right now.
"You were supposed to be at your tutorial."
"What?" I pause turning to look at Tyler in the doorway.
"You weren't supposed to be home for at least 2 more hours," he huffs. "I never would've had Kaity here if I knew you would be home. So-"
"It's my fault? Are you actually trying to suggest I caused this by coming home early to my own home? That somehow I ruined everything between us because I missed my final tutorial?" I ask incredulously as he starts shifting uncomfortably on his feet.
"No. I'm just saying I wouldn't have let this happen the night before your exam," he mumbles as some kind of pathetic excuse or lame-ass justification.
"Awww, thanks, Tyler. I appreciate you looking out for me. Thanks for trying not to screw with the most important exam of my life. The exam that sends me to Law school on full and partial scholarships and allows me to complete my dream of becoming a lawyer. Thanks for thinking of the timing when you screwed another woman in our bed. I'm really sorry I screwed with your plans."
"I'm just-"
"You know what? I missed Handle closing the doors. I was studying so hard I screwed up the time, busted my ass to get to the lecture, missed it, and nearly lost it in the hallway. But then I pulled myself together enough to leave before I threw open the door anyway. I kept it together, trying to move past my screw-up, and you know what I thought?" When Tyler doesn't speak, I ask again. "Do you?"
"No."
"I thought about you. I actually thought thank god for Tyler. Thank god Tyler will say something wonderful and loving. Tyler will make me feel better before I get down to studying my ass off. But instead of love and support I got to see you fucking someone else in my own bed."
Laughing as I shake my head to clear it again I grab a large tote bag from under my filthy, tainted, disgusting bed, catch another whiff of them accidentally and contemplate walking to the kitchen for a lighter so I can set my bed on fire.
"We need to talk," Tyler steps toward me until I stop him with my hand raised.
"We really don't. It's over. But I'm telling you, you better go with her or get her the hell out of here because someone's gonna die if I catch her here tomorrow when I return. This is done, Tyler. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to the Super about ending our lease early, unless you'd like your whore to co-sign with you?"
"We should talk about this," he pushes again and I almost start to cry.
Tyler is using his let's be reasonable voice and it's breaking my heart. God, this is the voice I thought he'd use on me when I returned. This is the sweet Tyler I needed today.
Looking at his beautiful dark eyes, I honestly can't believe he did this to me and to us.
"You've hurt me so badly, I don't think I can explain it to you in a way you'll ever truly understand. You’ve broken my heart in a way I don't think I'll ever truly understand. You were my last chance, Tyler. And you had the last piece of my heart that was left."
"Saige... I-"
"Is she still in my apartment?" I head tilt to the living room like he needed clarification.
"Not right now. But-"
"After I leave she's coming back? Holy SHIT! You are the tackiest, most insensitive asshole I've ever met in my life," I cry a little. Grabbing my pounding heart, I can't understand his behavior anymore. "You're actually going to have her back to our home as soon as I leave?"
"It's my place, too, Saige. And-"
SLAP.
Unintentionally, or maybe unconsciously, or maybe by necessity I've slapped Tyler and potentially ruined my entire life.
If he wants to be a dick he can call the police and ruin me with a domestic abuse charge. He can press charges and ruin my future life with just one phone call. He can absolutely destroy me but I don't really care at the moment.
Snatching up my bag from the floor I leave him still standing in just his boxers holding his cheek looking totally shocked by my sudden anger.
Grabbing toiletries from the bathroom I need to get out of this apartment, and really, from my life before there's no turning back for me.
Taking my laptop off the coffee table and my backpack of books from the floor I'm ending my life...
with Tyler.
"Can I just explain what happened?" He asks when I throw open the hall closet for another purse and a different jacket.
"Nope," I answer, calmly ignoring him the closer he gets to me.
"Please? I'm not a total prick here, I'm just-"
Okay, I honestly can't believe him. I can't believe he still thinks he can talk himself out of, or maybe into this situation.
He sounds like he almost regrets it, but then he still wants Kaitlyn so I guess he doesn't regret it en
ough to want me or my forgiveness more than he wants her.
Trying to clear my thoughts while battling the heartache tightening my chest, I explain everything to him as clearly as I can.
"Tyler... I was your girlfriend for 4 years. We live together and we planned our entire future together. And we had a good future," I add when he attempts to speak. "I'm an awesome girlfriend and I thought you were an amazing boyfriend. We supported each other always, or at least I thought you did. Now, with what you said earlier I don't know that you ever did. Maybe you thought you did, or maybe you just pretended-"
"I did support you!" He interrupts, but I'm not listening.
"We had an amazing sex life so you can't claim you were sexually neglected, and we had a wonderful friendship so you can't claim I wasn't there for you. I'm not a bitch, so that's no excuse, and I'm not some woman who was ever using you in this relationship, because I contributed if not equally, actually quite a bit more than you did financially," I throw in a little dig.
"So there is absolutely NO excuse for you not only straying and cheating on me, but to be such an obnoxious piece of shit as to have sex with someone else in our home together. There is nothing worse, and no greater insult to me. You have disrespected not only me but our entire 4 years together. So NO we don't need to talk about anything. Your actions just explained absolutely everything without you having to say a word."
"You were awesome, but I needed-"
"Did you use condoms?" I suddenly ask as nausea settles low in my gut. "I never thought I couldn't trust you with my health, but here I am suddenly. Did you use condoms with her?"
"Yes," he huffs.
"Always?"
"Yes. Okay?" He replies somewhat pissed off which is hysterical under the circumstances.
"Well, at least I don't have to worry about that," I kind of laugh.
"Look, we need to talk because I don't want you upset like this before your exam. I didn't mean to-" Cutting off his pathetic attempt to soothe me, I end us. Officially.
"You know, there was nothing in the world you could have ever needed or wanted that you couldn't have asked me for," I say simply. "Or that I wouldn't have given you in a heartbeat. I loved you that much, Tyler."
(Mis)Trust Page 2