Handing me blankets and a clean looking pillow, I stand as he lays out a blanket on the couch and takes back the 2 others to leave at the end for me. "You need to sleep, too."
"I know. I just keep thinking I missed something, or overlooked a highlight from my books because I didn't notice it."
"You didn't miss anything. You're a fucking genius," he laughs at my stunned face. "Yeah, I know most people say you're hot, but for me it's all about your huge brain," he laughs again. "Go to sleep. I'll set my alarm for 6 and we'll study until we leave at 10:30. Sound good?"
Nodding, I know he's right. If I study much more tonight I'll have complete brain-fry, and quite frankly I doubt I'll sleep much anyway with everything going on in my head. I should at least try to sleep a little before I write the 2 hour exam tomorrow though.
"Thank you, Kyle. For today and tonight," I choke up as another heavy wave of emotion threatens my chest. I don't know if it’s sadness or shock or just exhaustion, but I feel like crying my eyes out suddenly and I can't do it in front of him again.
Hugging me tightly, Kyle says a very heartfelt, "You're welcome," before releasing me with a squeeze on my arm. "Go to sleep, Saige. Tomorrow is gonna suck ass," he groans as I nod.
Watching Kyle climb the clothes covered, beer bottle strewn staircase, I plop on the couch, lie down and pull the blankets up. Settling in, I turn off the lamp and adjust to the darkness I'm not used to. I watch the DVD clock change minutes, and I start to cry.
Crying over Tyler, my heart just aches from the pain of his betrayal. Hearing myself moan, 'Tyler...' in this strange living room, I'm absolutely heartbroken.
I love him so much, I honestly can't imagine my life without him in it.
Choking on my agony I whisper to no one but myself why did you do this to me in the unbearable silence of my darkness.
CHAPTER 3
"Good luck, Saige," Kyle says picking me up for a huge hug at the doors. Smiling at him, he even kisses my forehead quickly and says, "Let’s do this," as he places me back on my feet.
"Good luck, Kyle. You're gonna rock this," I grin using the expression he repeated all morning while we crammed.
Turning for the doors, my student I.D. is scanned and the guard allows me to enter followed closely by Kyle. Walking to the first available seat in the second row, I settle in nervously. Once seated no one moves or really even looks around at each other as the auditorium slowly fills to capacity.
When Handle eventually enters like he owns the place, I almost smile at his arrogance. He really is a pompous ass, in probably his mid-40's only, but considering all his past experience in the courtroom I respect the hell out of him.
"This exam is 2 hours long. You may not cheat, sleep, cry, pass out, or throw up. If you do anything other than sit silently writing your exam it's over for you. Your exam will be graded from the moment you are asked to leave," he says so seriously most people aren't sure if he's joking or not. I know he isn't though- I've heard the horror stories, and I've seen the posts about him on the University blogs after his exams.
"Begin," he says loudly and there is a collective swooshing of paper as we all flip our exams over.
Writing my name and student I.D. quickly, I immediately flip back to the last empty page and right down the anagrams of my 12 rhymes. They'll make sense to no one but me (and hopefully Kyle) but they’re my lifeline today.
And then I begin.
Crying midway through, I try to get my shit together.
I'm losing it, and suffering, and stressed, and just looking at my 70's anagram/rhyme T.y.L.E.R. K.l.LS. E.M. E.V.E.R.y. D.a.Y nearly makes me lose my mind.
Focusing as hard as I can on the 16 cases and torts, I keep seeing his name only. 'Tyler kils em every day' is just so brutal right now because he killed me anyway.
He broke me and threw me away. He didn't love me and he killed us. He kills 'em, or at least he kills me, and I can't stand all this heartache anymore.
Casually wiping my dripping tears, I'm scared shitless I'm going to get caught losing it and have to stop. I'm scared someone will see me and I'll be done.
I know Handle strips students of their exams if they lose their minds because he feels if you can't handle a simple test you'll never make it in a courtroom. I don't actually know if it’s legal, or even an acceptable examination technique at school, but I'm not about to question him.
Forgetting Tyler, I write for my life. Forgetting everything but this test I write for my future. Forgetting what the 2nd 'R' stands for in my 90's anagram I nearly panic but force myself to move on quickly.
With only 14 minutes left, I'm finished. I could probably look it over and obsess, but I did that at the end of each question and answer so I know nothing is going to change suddenly.
Thinking, I wrack my brain for that illusive 'R' from the 90's but I still can't remember it. I have a total mental block where that 'R' is concerned, but if that's my biggest mistake today I feel pretty good about my exam. Besides my little breakdown over Tyler's name, I'm as happy as I can be under the circumstances.
Rising from my chair when Handle announces there are only 10 minutes left, I walk to the front and hand him my exam. Not smiling or acknowledging me at all, I hand him my test papers and turn just as he speaks quietly to me.
"I was surprised I didn't see you yesterday, Miss Masters."
Responding, I say just as gravely, "I was late by 1 minute, Professor Handle. I was studying at the central library and lost track of time."
Smirking at what he probably assumes is a lie he only nods. "Did I see you crying in the exam?" He asks, and I figure what the hell? It's not like he can rip up my test now.
"Yes. But it had nothing to do with the exam. It was a very private matter, and I recovered quickly," I defend myself before he can question me further.
"Yes, you did. I know about your brother so I'm sure that played a role in your upset?" He says as a question and I'm absolutely winded. Gasping my shock, I shake my head with a nearly inaudible no and wait for more. When there isn't any more though and many students are waiting behind me I walk away quickly.
Finished with Handle forever I hope, I pull open the heavy doors and burst into stress tears in the hallway.
I can’t believe he said that! I can't believe he knew and brought up my brother. I wonder if he had known what the last 18 hours of my life had been like if he still would've brought that up.
Jesus, I'm so out of my depth here fighting all these upsets one after another, I’m nearly panicking.
Trying to control myself, I look to my left and see a couple hugging as the guy leans into the girl because he's crying. Further down the hall, I see a guy I know named Mark actually throwing up in a garbage can.
Wiping my tears, I'm thrilled to see so many others walking away looking shell-shocked and numb. I don't want anyone else to suffer, but at least it means I'm not the only freak having a major adrenaline dump in the hallway.
"Holy fuck..." Kyle moans leaning beside me. Laughing at his expression, he moans again, "I feel like I'm gonna puke."
Blinking my eyes, I reach in my backpack for a Kleenex and wipe up my face. "So...?" I ask hopefully.
"I think I actually killed it." Turning to me, Kyle looks so excited, I feel excited for him. "And it was all your shit that did it. I remembered every goddamn rhyme and every anagram of yours, and when I'm working at the best Law Firm in Manhattan in 4 years I'm going to tell everyone about the cutie little redhead who saved my life," he smiles as he side hugs me again.
"With the huge brain," I add fake scowling.
"With the amazing brain," he says almost awestruck which feels pretty great right now.
"Kyle?" I ask seriously.
"Yes, Saige?" He grins.
"What the hell was the second R in my 90's anagram?"
Bursting out laughing together, Kyle says simply the 'IIRIRA' and I almost smack my own forehead with my palm.
"The Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Re
sponsibility Act... Shit! I knew that, but I couldn't remember it to save my life," I laugh again as all the adrenaline fades from me completely.
Leaning against the wall while others hang around talking to each other, some yelling, others whispering and crying, I feel so exhausted suddenly I can barely move.
"Are you going home now?" Kyle asks quietly.
Pausing without answering, all the air leaves my lungs just thinking about it. Going home is the absolute last thing I want to do though I have no other choice. I need to finish this with Tyler, and I need my clothes for work later.
Nodding, I can't speak. Just the thought of walking into my home makes me want to cry all over again.
"You can call me later if you want. I'll just be home tonight totally piss drunk," he grins as I turn to him. "Seriously. I know we're not good friends or anything, but I'm here if you need anything or just want to talk, okay?"
"Thanks," I squeeze his wrist. "And thank you again for last night."
"Thank you," he cuts me off. "Seriously, Saige... you saved my life in there," he says again sincerely as he hugs me tightly.
Not pulling away as quickly as I usually would I kind of hold onto him for a minute longer than necessary. I don't want this easy banter to end, and I don't want to walk away to face Tyler today.
"I should go," I mumble in his chest before pulling away finally. "Enjoy getting piss drunk tonight," I smile walking away.
"Saige,” he calls out to my back. "Will you at least call me later to let me know you're okay? You don't have to tell me anything, and I'm not trying to get in your business. But I would like to know if you're okay tonight."
"I'm sure I'll be fine. But I'll let you know," I smile one last time.
Walking away quickly I can't stand the thought of Kyle seeing me cry again. I'm not a crier by nature and I barely know Kyle which just adds to my discomfort and embarrassment. And right now, I feel the stress and tears wanting to burst from my chest again before I face Tyler.
*****
Walking in my apartment I take a huge breath opening the door and exhale like I've been punched in the stomach the second I see Tyler looking at me. Staring at me he rises from the couch then stops.
I'm sure he doesn't know what to say, and I have nothing to say. Though I do need to know, "Is she here?"
"No."
"Good. Why are you here?" I pause in the little hallway by the door.
"Well, I live here," he says so sarcastically I want to punch him in the face.
He was never sarcastic with me before, but now when I feel like he should be all somber and apologetic, he's a smartass? I really don't know or like this new Tyler at all.
Still standing in the hallway, I want to go to my room but I can't. I don't know if it’s been cleaned and I don't want to smell their sex again.
Like he read my mind though Tyler finally shows some embarrassment when he says, "I changed the sheets and made the bed for you."
"Such a gentleman," I mumble to myself walking past him.
Entering my bedroom, I don't actually smell anything anymore, though psychologically I may be screwed for a while thinking I still smell her nasty and Tyler's filthy over every surface of my room.
Sitting down on my bed when the weight of my exhaustion hits, I jump back up immediately remembering what happened on my bed last.
God, I'm a mess.
I can't be in here anymore but I don't know where else to go. Walking back out, Tyler’s moved to the bedroom hallway so I have to squeak past him for the living room. Almost shoving his chest, I fight the urge to hit him though admittedly it's hard to hold back.
"We have to talk," he says taking my arm as I pass.
"Let go of me," I growl and he does but not before I had to make eye contact with him for a second.
Christ, I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm trapped in my apartment with 2 1/2 hours to kill before work. I'm exhausted and all I want is to forget the last day of my life for an hour so I can rest. I barely slept last night, constantly waking in Kyle's filthy frat house, sometimes scared, sometimes crying in my sleep. Plus, my brain is mush at this point so I could cry just from the mental fatigue alone.
I know I'll sound desperate if I beg but I just don't care anymore what Tyler thinks of me.
"Can you please go out or go away for 2 hours? I need to sleep a little and there's nowhere for me to sleep but on the couch. And I can't stand looking at you," I spit watching him cringe at my harsh words. "I don't want you near me and I won't sleep with you sitting here."
"Saige, I'm really sorry for this," Tyler says with so much emotion I almost lose my mind.
The part of me that loves him wants to comfort his upset suddenly. But the part of me that recognizes he's a cheating, lying asshole thankfully holds out. "I don't want to hear it."
"But you have to," he actually begs.
"I really don't. Not now, and maybe not ever. This is NOT the time for a conversation, Tyler. I'm raw, and depressed, and exhausted. I'm hurt and so friggin' angry I really can’t do this with you right now. Just please leave me alone for a few hours. Go to your whore's place or wherever."
"She's not a whore," he defends so quickly I'm nearly sick to my stomach from the intensity he just defended her with.
Deciding any further comments about his whore might not get me what I want, I try to hold in my rage. "Are you moving out or am I?"
Actually shaking his head, Tyler says the unimaginable. "Um, neither of us can unless we want to break the lease totally, lose our huge security deposit, and have only 12 days to move out by the end of the month," he huffs.
"What? Why?" I really wish Tyler had left this to me to deal with but since he didn't I need to know what the hell this means for us.
"I guess there are so many students canceling their leases right now, Kevin’s pissed and inflexible with us. I explained it wasn't that we were skipping out but that we just wanted to make changes, but he wasn't interested. He told me the consequences and told me to give him our final decision tomorrow at the latest. Either way though, he's not giving us the security deposit back."
"So why don't you and your whatever live here? Just pay the rent and I'll go away," I huff again when he seems like such an idiot suddenly. Looking down quickly instead of answering I know instantly what the problem is. "You can't afford this place without me paying all the bills and half the rent." So I give another dig, it's the least he deserves.
"Not really," he replies quietly and I almost laugh that this embarrasses him. Tyler doesn't seem embarrassed by what I walked in on yesterday, but unable to pay the rent embarrasses him? What an asshole.
"Can't she chip in? I mean she looked pretty cozy here," I sneer as the memory of her riding Tyler makes me want to rage again.
Waiting for him to reply I realize I'm being almost flexible with this and I don't have to be. I'm not a pushover, and he did this. So screw him.
"Okay, here are your 2 options, Tyler. One, get the hell out right now and I'll cover everything. Or 2, move your girlfriend in here and figure it out. But I want a decision now, otherwise I'm leaving tonight and I'll be back for my things in a few days."
Looking at me, I know Tyler hates it when I get demanding with him but too bad. In this situation he gave up his rights to decisions as far as I'm concerned.
"How will you pay for everything?"
"That's none of your business anymore," I snap to shut him up and then realize I actually don't want to live here anymore. "You know what? I've changed my mind. Figure it out or leave. I don't care, but I'm leaving here."
"But the security deposit?"
"What about it? I paid it- you didn't. So why do you care? It's my loss, just like everything else is suddenly."
"But where will you go? You don't have anyone here and your mom is too far away. What will you do?"
Huffing, I need to shut this down. The longer he speaks the sadder I become. He's using the voice we always spoke to each other with
and it makes me so sad and heartbroken, I want to beg and yell and ask the obvious question- why did you do this to me?
"It's none of your business where I go or who I stay with anymore. I'm leaving, Tyler, which is what you obviously wanted so don't act like you give a shit now."
"I DO give a shit!" He leans toward me.
"Did you give a shit when you were cheating on me?"
"Of course I did. Do you think this was easy for me?" He whines and again I'm nearly floored by him trying to rationalize what he did.
"Was it hard to get a woman to ride your dick in my bed? I doubt it. You're very attractive. But you know that already, don't you, Tyler?"
"It's not about being attractive, Saige, because you are way better looking than Kaity. You're also smarter and you'll be way more successful than she’ll ever be. Everything about you is better than her. Fuck... you're way better than me, too."
When Tyler takes a much needed breath after that outburst I see everything he has never shown me before. For the first time I understand he was insecure, or is insecure, or whatever. He never acted that way when he was with me, but maybe he hid it. Either way, it's not my problem anymore.
"I'm leaving. Good luck with all your insecurity but don't you dare put that shit on me. I never treated you poorly or made you feel like you were less than me."
"I know, but that actually made it worse. I always knew I'd take a backseat to you and your career, and yet you didn't seem to care about that."
Nearly laughing in his face I have to know, "Who the hell are you? No, better yet, who were you for the last 4 years? You keep telling me I've done nothing wrong, I'm better looking, smarter, etcetera. You're saying things about me I’ve never said or even thought, and you're making them the excuse for the inexcusable. I loved you, Tyler. I loved everything about you and I never thought of you in terms of better or less than me. I thought of us as partners together."
"I know. I'm sorry, I just-"
(Mis)Trust Page 4