by Dee, Cara
“Darius, you’re gonna hafta eat lots,” Jayden said.
Darius grinned. “You underestimate Gray’s ability to eat for a whole hockey team. He eats more than I do.”
Gray cracked his knuckles dramatically and rolled his shoulders, playing along to make Jayden laugh.
“How many can you eat?” Jayden asked, intrigued.
Gray leaned over and bumped their foreheads together, then widened his eyes. “Four thousand.”
Jayden threw his head back and cracked up.
It was a heartwarming sound.
He’s amazing, Jonas.
It was the beginning of the best evening Gray had experienced in months, and it was all thanks to Jayden’s high spirits. Okay, Darius helped. He was in a good mood too. He was too fucking sexy for words and had the most charming grin, but Gray managed to keep his wits about himself. Somewhat.
“Can I try your beer?” Jayden asked Darius.
“Sure,” Darius replied. “Just show me your driver’s license first.”
Jayden balked. “I don’t have one!”
Gray chuckled and took a sip of his soda. He’d been tempted to get a margarita but had a feeling it would loosen him up a bit too much. Once Jayden was asleep later, he could indulge in a rum and Coke. Darius had picked some up the other day when he’d bought beer. There were two small bottles of rum and vodka in his duffel bag.
“Jonas let me try once,” Jayden revealed.
“That’s what brothers do,” Darius answered with a wry smirk. “Wanna hear a funny story?”
Jayden nodded quickly.
Gray grabbed another taco and gave Darius his full attention.
“So I’ve told you I have two baby sisters and three brothers,” Darius said.
“Yeah, cuz one died in a war.” Jayden stuck a chip into his mouth.
“Right, but Jake was still alive back then.” Darius nodded. “Jake, Ryan, Ethan, and me—we’re a lot older than Lias. When he turned nine, most of us were over twenty. So, we kinda considered ourselves smarter too. I mean, he was a kid. We were adults. But for his birthday, he tricked all of us. The grown-ups had wine and beer with dinner, and then there was whiskey and other things after we’d had cake. And I remember I’d been helping my mother in the kitchen—I was on my way back to the living room—and Lias came up to me and stared at the glass in my hand. He asked if he could try it, and I thought, fuck it, I knew he wasn’t gonna like it. So, I let him try Pop’s whiskey.”
“Did he like it?” Jayden wondered.
Darius chuckled and shook his head. “No, he almost threw up on the carpet. But that didn’t stop him from getting each of his brothers alone at some point during the party. He asked all of us if he could try.”
“Oh God,” Gray muttered, wincing. He could guess where this was going, and it was difficult not to laugh.
“By the time Ma told him it was time to get ready for bed,” Darius went on, “Lias was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stand up straight, and he was slurring. He couldn’t speak.”
Jayden squeaked and palmed his face, peeking between his fingers.
Darius smiled and shook his head. “Our parents were pissed—with us, not Lias—and we had to stay up all night and help Lias when he got sick.”
“He had too much,” Jayden said with a nod of understanding. “Mom threw up and got angry when she drank too much.”
The food Gray had been chewing slid down his throat like a chunk of lead.
Darius didn’t miss a beat, though. “That makes sense. Did that happen a lot before she died?”
“Yeah.” Jayden’s excitement had taken a hike, but he didn’t seem bothered. “I don’t know if she’s dead. She’s just gone.” He shrugged. “Jonas didn’t say much to me about it. I was little.”
“But you remember your dad,” Darius stated.
Gray eyed him, confused. What was he doing? They knew virtually nothing about Jonas and Jayden’s background, so why Darius was throwing out assumptions made no sense.
“I never met him, I think.” Jayden scratched his shoulder and then reached for his soda. “Mom didn’t like him. She called him bad names. And she fought lots with Jonas and her boyfriend.”
“Fighting isn’t fun to see,” Darius agreed. “My mother and father fight sometimes too.”
Jayden nodded. “And they slam doors and leave also?”
Gray took an unsteady breath, hating the shit Jayden had suffered through, and glanced hesitantly at Darius.
Something softened in Darius’s eyes. “No. And that’s kind of what I wanted to point out, kiddo. Everyone fights. My parents fight when Pop forgets something that Ma told him to pick up at the store. They fight when she moves things in the garage and Pop can’t find his tools anymore.” He paused. “But they always make up afterward. They forget shit and accidentally make each other angry—or they disagree on something and fight about it.” He jerked his chin at Gray. “We’re the same, Gray and me. We fight—as you’ve seen. But we don’t fight because we’re mean or we want to piss each other off. We just have disagreements, and they can get heated sometimes.”
Gray didn’t know what fucked with his head more, that Darius was comparing them to his married parents, that he was so good with kids to have managed to broach this topic without upsetting Jayden, or…that Darius’s agenda had been twofold. At the very least. Because explaining to Jayden that it was okay for people to fight hadn’t been his only mission. He’d wanted information too, and he’d gotten it.
Naturally, that made Gray wistful and yearn and all that pathetic shit. He couldn’t merely admire Darius’s tactic and be done with it.
“Darius and I will probably fight more, Jayden.” Gray gave Jayden’s neck a gentle squeeze. “You know we recently went through some rough times, and we’re still healing. But we will try not to expose you to it too much. Just know, when you hear us argue, it doesn’t mean anyone is leaving or that we don’t like each other.” He realized what he said as the words left his mouth. He—and Darius—had a responsibility. Gray couldn’t let his emotions control him any longer. Not to the extent that he took off in the middle of the night or made any other reckless call based on how he felt right in that second. “And I promise, whenever you feel unsure—if you overhear us fighting—you can jump in and ask if everything is okay. You’re never a bother, you’re never in the way, and until you trust us fully, it’s never a bad time to ask anything. Okay?”
Jayden nodded hesitantly and chewed on his bottom lip. “Okay.”
“Okay.” Gray leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the side of Jayden’s head.
It made the boy quirk a strange grin, and his cheeks turned pink.
Their little problem about the sleeping arrangements was sorted when Gray suggested they push the beds together and wrap up their stay in Texas with a slumber party. Jayden had never had one before—actually, neither had Darius—so Gray took charge. He remade the beds, making it more comfortable for Jayden in the middle, and told Darius to pick a kid-friendly movie. The final touch included chips, candy, and soda.
Jayden showered while Gray prepared everything, and he stepped out of the bathroom dressed in his Iron Man pajamas. With excitement lighting up his eyes, he jumped up on the bed and did a somersault where he landed on his butt right in the middle of the two beds.
Gray laughed.
Darius was the next to shower and get ready for bed, and Gray did his best not to think about it. Not Darius’s out-of-this-world sexy body, not the sex they’d had in the past, and not the nightmares that followed once Gray was asleep.
His goal since they’d started their road trip together was to always fall asleep last.
He wasn’t sure it was a very successful strategy, partly because Jayden had already woken up once because Gray had talked in his sleep, and partly because Darius never missed anything. But it was all Gray could do when they slept in such close proximity.
When Darius reemerged wearing only a pair of sweats and the towe
l he had thrown around his shoulders, Gray averted his gaze, grabbed his toiletry bag, and located his own sweatpants that he slept in. Then he fled to the bathroom that was completely fogged up.
He shook his head to clear it and rummaged through his little kit to find his meds.
It’d been a good day. He was even starting to be glad that Darius had tracked him down and joined them. But fuck if it wasn’t rough at times too. He’d just have to take it one day at a time.
Seven
Help me, Gray! P-please do something!
Gray watched with bile rising in his throat as Milo crawled toward him on the floor, blood gushing out from the gunshot wound in his head. His green, bloodshot eyes pleaded desperately for mercy.
Save me. I don’t want to die.
“I’m sorry.” Gray gritted his teeth and felt tears burning their way down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Milo.”
He woke up with a pained gasp and sat up in the bed. He blinked rapidly and wiped at his cheeks, and then he groaned and carefully rubbed his jaw. Fuck, that hurt. How long had he been grinding his teeth? The entire area was sore. Pain radiated from his face when he tried to bite down.
“Ah fuck.” He gently massaged his jaw and glanced around him. The hotel room was empty, and sunrays were trying to push through the blinds. Thank God the night was over.
The second he rose from the bed, blinding pain drilled its way through his skull.
He stumbled toward the bathroom and rubbed his temples, hoping idly that Darius had taken Jayden to breakfast or something. Gray needed alone time until the agony faded.
He sat on the toilet for a long time and focused on calm breaths while waiting for his painkillers to set in.
The nightmares kept getting worse.
If it wasn’t Milo begging to be saved, it was Jonas or Jackie. Sometimes one of the other guys they’d lost too, but mostly those three. Every fucking night.
After washing up and brushing his teeth—very goddamn carefully—he gave the mirror a quick glance and immediately wished he hadn’t. He looked like he’d aged ten years overnight. He hadn’t shaved yesterday either. Two days’ worth of stubble, the shadows under his eyes, and a bed head resulted in one unkempt-looking motherfucker.
Back in the room, he pulled on a pair of jeans, a black tee, and his shades. They were similar to the ones Darius wore and would hopefully hide his fresh roadkill appearance.
Right before he opened the door, he hesitated. Maybe he should grab a hoodie. But once he twisted the doorknob and felt the sun’s warmth, he walked out and made sure he had his phone, wallet, and room key.
He didn’t have to search for Darius and Jayden. He heard them in the parking lot.
Gray descended the stairs and tried fruitlessly to muster any expression that didn’t tell people to fuck off.
Darius and Jayden were by the Wrangler. Darius was squatting, one knee on the pavement, and he had his palms open, which Jayden was using as boxing pads to practice punching on.
“That’s good,” Darius said. “Quick jabs. One-two-three, one-two-three.”
Jayden grunted and pulled back, then hit Darius’s palm with a closed fist.
Gray’s untied All Stars scraped against the ground, alerting the others to his approach, and Darius gently caught Jayden’s fists and grinned at the boy.
“Good morning!” Jayden said.
“Morning.” Gray stifled a yawn and spotted a paper bag and a to-go cup on the hood of the car. “Please tell me the coffee’s for me.”
“It is.” Darius extended the cup to him and tilted his head, always so fucking observant. “There’s food for you too. We got breakfast burritos.”
“They were awesome. I had almost a whole one.” Jayden grinned.
Gray managed a small smile at him. Ah, coffee. It was still hot. Perfect. He took a big swallow and let it burn a hot trail down his throat.
Darius leaned back against the car and lit up a smoke, then reached into a pocket and pulled out the second room key. “Jayden, can you go upstairs and pack your things? We’ll be up in a bit.”
Dammit. That could only mean one thing. Someone wanted to speak in private.
“Okay. Are you gonna decide where we go today?” Jayden accepted the key.
Darius nodded. “That’s right.”
“Cool. Remember, I have never seen mountains.” Jayden smiled innocently and hurried up the stairs.
“Wait till he sees the mountains back home.” Gray watched the kid scurry toward their room and hoped he would like Camassia.
Darius hummed. “How did you sleep?”
Gray didn’t bother lying. “Not well.”
Darius nodded with a dip of his chin and blew out some smoke. “You were restless when I woke up. Figured it was best to get Jayden out of there.”
“I appreciate it,” Gray replied honestly. He took another swig of his coffee and waited. There was more to come. Darius would dig. He’d ask about the nightmares or something.
The bastard kept observing.
It was unnerving.
And annoying.
Darius flicked away some ashes and scratched his bicep. He was wearing jeans and a tee too, and he looked…warm. Warm and inviting. Gray’s memories were too vivid. He remembered the softness of Darius’s stomach, how fuzzy his happy trail felt… When he stretched his arms over his head in the morning, his ribs would almost show. It was strange. He was fit and strong—and so solid—and yet he was the perfect pillow.
Gray missed him.
Fuck.
He threw out a question he’d had since dinner. “Why did you make guesses about Jayden’s background last night?”
Darius took a last drag before he stubbed out his cigarette. “Confirmations are short. Explanations as to why something isn’t correct usually provide more details. It’s ingrained to offer a reason when the answer is no.” He paused. “For instance, I offer you coffee. If you want it, you say yes please. Or thanks. Short. But if you don’t want any, you never simply say no. You explain that you’re not in the mood or that you’ve already had a cup.”
Jesus Christ, the man knew people in ways Gray never would. Rather, Darius understood people. He understood human behavior.
“It also helps when the memory’s hazy,” Darius said. “We can’t always pinpoint specifics, but we can usually narrow things down. In other words, a direct question might make Jayden hesitate and get lost. But tell him something he knows is wrong, and he will get help from muscle memory and instinct.”
Gray shook his head, admiring the fuck out of the man’s brain. “You’re good.”
“I have over twenty years on you.”
So?
“Age doesn’t make you intelligent,” Gray retorted. “I’ve never met anyone who can read others as well as you do.”
Darius chuckled under his breath and stuck his hands down into the pockets of his jeans. “It’s a curse sometimes.”
Gray lifted his brows in question and took a sip of his coffee.
“You can’t be in the same room as someone you care about without touching them,” Darius told him. “You speak through touch, whether it’s affectionate or not.” It was possible Gray had heard that before once or twice. Or a hundred times. “Especially with Abel, your mom, and now Jayden.”
Gray was unsure of where this was going—
“You stopped being that way with me.” Darius smiled faintly and rubbed the back of his neck. Shit. If Gray didn’t know any better, he’d say Darius was uncomfortable. “I guess that makes you stronger than—” When Gray scoffed, Darius sighed and added, “On that point, anyway. For chrissakes, you’re not weak.”
“Don’t change the subject—”
“No, actually, we will,” Darius told him. “I was thinking. While we’re on the road, we should get started on your training. You’re ready. Your fuse isn’t as short as it was in Florida.”
That gave Gray pause. He was stuck on why Darius felt weak when it came to them…being closer? Or how
ever he was supposed to put it. It made Gray want to pick Darius’s brain to find out every aspect of his side of their attachment. At least Gray was open with his sexuality. He’d never been interested in women. Ever. And Darius was the fucking opposite, though there’d been hints… Either way, he was a straight dude who’d spent several weeks banging Gray. And frankly, Gray had had enough of playing with straight-not-so-straight men. Add their trauma into the mix, and it was future heartbreak in the making.
Because it was easy to see how that would end. Gray would fall in love. He’d depend on Darius too much, who would eventually leave.
Which ultimately became the reason Gray let that go and refocused on the topic change about making him stronger. Darius thought he was finally ready? Thank fucking Christ. ’Cause if anyone needed to feel less pathetic, it was Gray.
“How do we start?” he asked. “Or where?”
“Up to you,” Darius answered. “Instead of continuing toward California, we could head north for a few days. I have a friend in Colorado who can help.”
Anything to prolong their journey, Gray wanted to say. Instead, he asked, “Is it possible to get there in one day?”
Darius shrugged and squinted. “Should be. I’d say it’s about twelve hours to Keystone.”
“We can drive in shifts,” Gray offered.
Darius nodded. “I’ll give Connor a call, then.”
“Finally.” Gray peered over his shoulder to find Jayden asleep in the back seat. They’d been on the road for eight hours, stopping for lunch and to stretch their legs, and the entire time Gray had kept their previous subject in the back of his mind. He wanted to know what Darius meant about being weaker than Gray. “Okay, we can talk now,” he said, keeping his voice down. “This morning, you said I was stronger than you. About…you know.”
Darius’s mouth twitched, and he checked the rearview before he switched to the right lane. “You want me to spell it out? I wouldn’t be able to stay away like you do. Ry’s been on my ass about it—I get it. We shouldn’t complicate an already complicated shitstorm by clinging to each other, but—” He shrugged. “Anyway. You’re doing the right thing, knucklehead. I just… I admit I’m not as strong.”