I needed to go.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
I loved her too much to go any deeper into this relationship.
I can’t lie to her anymore.
Then she floored me with her next question, as her eyes began to water.
“Is there someone else, Cedric?”
I stared at her in silence. My heart was exploding out of my chest and I felt my eyes begin to well up. The love I felt for this woman was indescribable and yet, I looked her dead straight in the eyes and lied through my teeth one last time as my breath hitched and my voice shook.
“Yes…yes, there is.”
Allison stared at me frozen in shock as tears fell down her cheeks. My hand trembled as I struggled to hold it in place to stop it from rising to wipe her tears away, something I desperately wanted to do, but couldn’t allow myself to. I had no idea what to do or say and just stayed there watching her cry as my own tears began to fall visibly.
Just then, the front door opened and my mother walked in. She looked puzzled as she took in the sight of Allison and me staring at each other in her hallway.
“Cedric…what are you doing here? What is going on?” she asked.
I looked over at my mother wishing again that I could disappear into thin air.
“Mom,” I said, my voice shaking.
My mother walked over to me, giving me a hug, then seemed to notice that my eyes were watery, which prompted her to jolt back.
She then immediately looked over at Allison’s sullen face, and then looked back at me. Her grim expression showed that she understood something was very wrong between us.
Allison then silently turned around and walked back into Callie’s room, closing the door and disappearing from sight.
It took all of my willpower not to go after her, but I knew I had fucked up for the last time. I had no right to touch her ever again.
“Do you mind telling me what is going on?” Mom whispered, looking concerned and a little frightened.
I stood frozen, my eyes staring at the closed door to Callie’s room.
“Ma…I really screwed things up…I…I need to leave. I am so sorry.”
CHAPTER 27
ALLISON
You and your lover may not be on the same page, Gemini. This is a just passing phase, so don't be too upset or put too much emphasis on the turmoil that arrives. Mercury will be going in direct motion soon, soothing miscommunications.
It has been nearly a month since that moment at Bettina’s house, the last time I saw Cedric.
I had told his mother that night, after he left, that I couldn’t talk about what happened and asked her to kindly not mention it again. I assured her, though, that I would not be leaving my job with Callie and while still confused, she seemed relieved to hear that.
I heard from him only one time after that night, in a text I received a few days later, as I sat in my bathtub soaking away the pain of losing him, a pain like none I had ever felt, aside from losing my mother.
The Monday night of the text, I had run a bath after returning from my shift with Lucas. As I sat in the water, my body ached for Cedric’s touch as much as my heart ached. This feeling is what I imagined withdrawal from heroin might be like. My phone chimed and I lifted out of the water to check it when I saw that the text was from Cedric.
Allison…please forgive me. All of this…it’s not what you think. I will explain it to you someday. Please just know, that you mean so much to me.
Why?
Fuck you, Cedric.
Fuck you for hurting me so much.
I didn’t return the text. Instead, the glass on my iPhone shattered after I threw it across the bathroom and it landed on the tile floor.
A flood of tears poured out of my eyes and my body shook uncontrollably.
How I wanted to go back a few weeks in time and stay there forever. I had so much hope for the future then, so much love in my heart for that man. So much love…after such a short time. I had been sure it was love, not lust, and now I wasn’t sure I could ever trust my own judgment ever again.
I felt faint as I sat in the hot bathwater, but had no strength to get up. I had eaten barely a morsel since that day and would have to face Cedric’s mother tomorrow to work with Callie for the first time since the last encounter. I had considered giving my notice then, but decided that I would not let Cedric take away the one good thing I had left, so I was determined to find a way to compartmentalize the two things. Callie shouldn’t have to pay for her asshole brother’s mistake.
I had no idea what was really going on with him and what his mother now knew, though. Here’s what I knew: her son abandoned me and there was, as he admitted, ‘someone else.’
The text confused me, though, because he claimed ‘it wasn’t what I thought’. What the hell was it, then? I think admitting that there was someone else, makes it pretty damn clear what is going on.
Whatever the exact reason, he had hurt me so deeply that it was beyond repair. I was at least glad he didn’t prolong our relationship even further. God knows where I’d be then.
Now, a month later, after weeks of not eating and sleeping, the wrath of Cedric was just starting to really take its toll.
“Al…Al…wake up…you’re going to be late for work.” I heard Sonia shouting as I lay in bed, having slept through my alarm, yet again. I had been awake so much in the middle of the night lately that I would finally fall back asleep about four in the morning, only to have to wake up an hour later for the diner job.
Sonia hugged me as finally sat up. “Al, you know you are going to have to talk to me about it some point, don’t you?
“Sonia, like I told you…talking about it isn’t going to change anything. There is nothing to say. Cedric left me for someone else…if we were even ever together at all. My life is back to being shit and I am alone again…end of story,” I said hoarsely.
“You’re not alone…you have me, Bitch. But that Bastard…you were so happy for the first time since I have known you and he seemed to think you were the bees knees…he wrote a fucking rap song for you, for Christ’s sake. I just don’t get it. I mean…I could see in his eyes how into you he was. I just don’t know what to believe in, anymore. I’d like to cut his balls off and—” Sonia stopped talking, shook her head and grabbed a brush and started brushing my hair.
“You know I brush my own hair, right?” I said.
Sonia ignored me and kept brushing. “Sure, darling, I do. Just let me.”
Tears quietly fell down my cheek as Sonia continued to brush my hair as I wondered what my life had come to.
When I got up from the bed, Sonia gasped.
She didn’t have to say anything, I knew what she was thinking as she covered her mouth with her hand.
I looked over at my reflection at the mirror on my closet door. I could see my ribs. As the loss of Cedric ate away at me, I wasn’t eating and had dropped ten pounds. Thinner than I could ever remember being, I was starting to look like Olive Oil. My roommate’s frightened face was the wakeup call I needed.
***
By the second month A.C. (“After Cedric”), I had gained about five of the pounds back and was getting back into life a bit.
Bright Horizons had given me another autistic client, a child this time, a ten-year-old boy whom I worked with on Saturday mornings.
Gabriel was a sweetheart and I mostly took him out shopping and accompanied his family on other outings. I didn’t have to dress in costume for this one, nor was I dating his brother, so it was a fairly low-key, stress-free assignment. Gabriel liked to snuggle and sniff my hair and would occasionally pull a chunk of it out abruptly and stare at it proudly in his hands. I let him do it, because he was a good boy and a great distraction on otherwise lazy Saturday mornings when I had too much time to think about Cedric or rather the fact that Cedric had disappeared off the face of the Earth.
And I was still working with Callie, whose beautiful face continued to be a stark reminder of what I
lost.
One Tuesday afternoon at Bettina’s house, we were sitting down to dinner. I was holding the fork in Callie’s hand as she attempted to eat homemade macaroni and cheese. She knew how to use a fork, but liked to eat the pinwheel pasta with her hands, so my job was to deter her from doing that.
Bettina was watching me intently as I picked Callie’s pasta up one by one as the pieces fell off the fork and placed each piece back in the bowl, prompting her to use the fork.
Bettina then startled me with a question.
“Allison…my son won’t tell me…will you?” she asked.
My heart ached at the mere mention of Cedric. It was as if he were dead until his mother mentioned him, reminding me that he was out there somewhere. He was very much alive and not telling her anything either, apparently. I was surprised it took her so long to bring up the subject again, but was glad she hadn’t…until now.
I looked at her silently, and then cleared my throat.
“Bettina…I don’t know what happened and that’s the truth. Cedric and I…we dated for a short time, but I was really falling hard for your son. That’s all I can say. He ended it that night you walked in on us and I really don’t know why, but I am glad he did it when he did and didn’t let it drag on even further.” I was proud of my response.
Bettina shook her head and sighed. “Thank you for your answer. I know it’s none of my business. I’ve called him and asked him to tell me what happened a few times and he won’t tell me anything. He just shuts down and changes the subject. I am afraid I haven’t even seen him since that day either.”
The fact that Cedric hadn’t seen his mother in two months shocked me.
“He hasn’t come at all to see you…or Callie?” I asked.
“No, honey, I am afraid he hasn’t. Cedric has always been the closed off one. Caleb is an open book…but my Cedric is different. We keep in contact over the phone, so I know he is okay. But one thing I know for sure…whatever is going on with my son…it hasn’t been easy. Allison, aside from his father dying, I haven’t seen him that emotional in years, since he was a child, maybe. He had tears in his eyes that night, with you. That tells me that whatever happened between you two, it was hard for him and his feelings for you had to have been real.”
Nausea crept up on me at that statement; I hadn’t thought of it that way before. Cedric did have tears in his eyes when he told me he was seeing someone else. The thought of him with anyone else, doing the things he did with me, makes me sick and I honestly have to block it out almost immediately. It’s been the only way I have been able to function…as long as I don’t focus on that. I’d rather just think of him, as gone…dead.
I could feel the tears forming in my eyes now.
“Bettina, I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay? I said.
Bettina reached across the table and placed her hands on mine. “Okay, honey. I am sorry. We don’t have to talk about it.”
A teardrop fell down my cheek and I knew Bettina saw it. I immediately gathered Callie’s dish and we walked over to the sink to wash our hands.
“Allison,” Bettina called from across the kitchen.
“Yes?” I asked.
“Thank you,” she said.
She didn’t have to explain why.
I knew she was thanking me for staying.
***
A few weeks had passed and Bettina never mentioned Cedric to me again.
He hadn’t sent any more texts either.
With each passing day, I was slowly beginning to accept the fact that whatever we had was over and that I needed to forget him. How that was going to happen exactly was still a mystery since Cedric still occupied most of my thoughts, but at least time had made it clearer what I needed to do…I needed to move on.
Spring was in the air in Boston now and the sun was streaming through the basement windows of Bettina’s house. It was a Tuesday afternoon and it surprised me how light it still was outside at 6:00 in the evening. Bettina was usually home at this time, but would not be arriving back from a church bazaar committee meeting until the end of my shift at 7:30. She has given me instructions to heat up some pizza she made this afternoon for Callie and me.
Before dinner, Callie and I were hanging out in the basement where Bettina had set up a sensory area for her daughter to let off steam.
There was a small trampoline, an indoor hammock, and one of those vibrating massage chairs from Brookstone that now made me uneasy, because Bettina had once mentioned that Cedric bought it for his sister. At the time, that warmed my heart. Now, it just made me sad.
As Callie jumped on the trampoline, I held her hands to help her balance. She was laughing hysterically and saying, “Higher…higher!”
After ten minutes, she finally wore herself out, looked at me and said, “I want chair, please.”
“Okay, honey,” I said as I walked over to the Brookstone chair, adjusting the settings as Bettina had showed me how and then she hopped in it. Callie relaxed in the seat, closing her eyes and letting the vibrations shake her.
As she continued to enjoy the chair, I looked around the basement.
Half of the large space was Callie’s sensory area and the other side of the room contained dozens of labeled boxes. I remember Bettina saying something about her kids storing all of their junk in her house and she joked that one day she was going to have a yard sale, hawk it all and use the money to gamble at the Mohegan Sun casino.
Callie seemed to be happily nodding off in the chair, so I walked over to all of the boxes to take a closer look at the writing in marker on the sides.
Some of them were open and I could see what was inside. Others were taped shut and some were actually large clear covered Rubbermaid containers.
One of the boxes was labeled ‘Caleb’s Wedding Stuff’ and that one happened to be open, so I peeked inside. The first thing I noticed was a small white ring bearer’s pillow with two fake gold bands attached to the top. There was also a guest book and a few favors: ceramic swans, wrapped in white tulle with Jordan almonds. A royal blue ribbon was tied around the swan’s neck and on the ribbon it said in gold writing: Caleb and Denise August 13, 2005. There was a mini wedding album with the same caption and curiosity got the best of me, so I opened it. The first picture was a formal portrait of Caleb and Denise. The bride looked beautiful in a satin gown with lace cap sleeves, holding red roses. Her blond hair was down, covered with a rhinestone tiara and puffy veil. Caleb looked a bit more like Cedric back then, since he was a little thinner. Caleb and Cedric had identical eyes and I could really see the resemblance in this picture. The next photo was of Caleb and his father, a candid where it looked like his Dad was giving him advice. His hand was on his son’s shoulder and Caleb was smiling back at him. This made me sad, knowing that their father passed away just a few years later.
When I turned the page, my heart began thumping hard as I came across the picture of Caleb and his groomsman. Standing in the middle right next to his brother was Cedric, smiling ear to ear, his eyes gleaming. He was dressed in a tux with a royal blue vest and a red rose pinned to his chest. Ignoring everyone else in the shot, my eyes focused only on him. I stared long enough for it to seem like his face was going to pop out of the page. He was clearly younger, his hair was gelled back and parted differently, but it was the same beautiful face and smile that had captivated me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and continued through the rest of the album. Denise was a lucky woman, I thought. She nabbed the normal Callahan brother, not the fucked up one.
I walked back over to Callie who was now fast asleep in the massage chair and brushed a piece of hair off of her eyes. It was rare for Callie to fall asleep during the day, but her mother did say she was up a lot the night before. I decided to let her sleep for ten more minutes until it was time to go upstairs for dinner.
In the meantime, I walked back across the room to the boxes, making sure everything in the Caleb wedding box was arranged as it had been before I looke
d in it.
I noticed another box that said ‘Dad’s Coin Collection’ and another that was labeled ‘Callie’s Childhood Drawings.’ I was going to peek inside that one, but noticed it was taped up.
There were dozens of containers, but I had to give Bettina credit for labeling everything.
Then, I noticed the first box that had Cedric’s name on it and my heart started to pound. That very large box was labeled ‘Cedric Miscellaneous’ and it was not fully closed at the top. It was also not fully open and I might have yanked on the tape a bit.
I considered walking away right then and there, waking Callie and heading upstairs, but morbid curiosity got the best of me. I looked over at Callie to make sure she was still asleep, looked at my watch and opened the flaps of the box. The first thing I pulled out was a Northwestern University banner that was folded. There was also a graduation hat and tassel. Beneath that, were several shot glasses wrapped in bubble wrap. Also in the box: a yearbook, incense, candles, c.d.’s, a couple of notebooks and a huge stack of photos wrapped in an elastic band. If I had to guess, these items looked like they were the contents of his dorm room, like Bettina helped him pack everything up on graduation day and took it all or had it shipped back to her house. I held the photos in my hand, staring at them, suddenly feeling like I was violating Cedric’s privacy. Then, I unwound the elastic band anyway.
Holy shit…this was overwhelming. The first photo was of a very young looking Cedric with two attractive blonde girls flanking him on each side. Cedric was giving bunny ears to one of them unbeknownst to her. He had a silly grin on his face and was likely drunk, from the look in his eyes and the amount of shot glasses in that box. The next picture was of Cedric and some guys playing beer pong. In another photo, some college kid was pissing on the ground of what looked like the dorm hallway…assumably piss-ass drunk. I rolled my eyes. These photos were totally up on some bulletin board in Cedric’s dorm room. Some of them even had tape or sticky stuff on the back. Picture after picture showed more of the same: Cedric with some random girls (in one photo, he was tongue kissing a redhead), college guys goofing around, Cedric giving the middle finger.
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