The ring fit perfectly on my right ring finger. A tear fell down my cheek as I wiggled my hand to catch the reflection of the light in the stone. It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever given me.
CHAPTER 33
CEDRIC
Five Months Later
We were by the ocean in West Palm Beach. Allison was straddling me on the sand, her big beautiful green eyes shining in the sunlight. Callie ran by and poured water out of a bucket all over us and we laughed hysterically, both getting up and chasing after Callie toward the shoreline. Allison, Callie and I fell to the ground in the water still laughing uncontrollably. We were distracted when all of a sudden a gargantuan wave approached, but Allison was facing me and didn’t see it coming. The wave pushed Callie and I to shore, but Allison was gone. “Allison!”
“Allison!”
“Cedric? Cedric! Wake up!” Stephanie yelled, shaking my shoulders.
My eyes blinked repeatedly and my heart pounded. “Wha—Stephanie?”
“You were having a nightmare. Who’s Allison?” she asked.
“Huh?” I said, intentionally avoiding the question.
“Who’s Allison? You were yelling for Allison,” she repeated.
“Oh. Yeah. No one. I don’t know. It’s okay. Go back to bed.”
Good answer, asshole.
Stephanie sighed and rolled over, but I could tell she was still awake. God, I hope my sleep talk wasn’t too dramatic. I dream a lot about Allison, but this was the first time I had done it in front of someone.
Stephanie and I have been dating over a month now. She is a lawyer at a firm downtown and we met in the Boston Common during our respective lunch breaks. I had been mulling over life on a bench when she sat down beside me with her Au Bon Pain salad. We shared stories about our jobs and watched together as kids ran around in the frog pond. We ended up meeting for dinner that night and have been casually dating ever since.
I have been forcing myself to move on.
She started sleeping over a couple of nights ago. We hadn’t had sex yet, mostly because I haven’t crossed that line. I am pretty sure she is ready and willing. Actually, I know that for a fact being that she literally tried to get into my boxers last night, but I haven’t wanted to go there for some reason.
For some reason…who am I kidding? I know why.
Stephanie is beautiful, Filipino, with nice skin, a pretty smile, a great personality and she is smarter than probably anyone I know. It’s not that I am not attracted to her. I just…I don’t know.
Stephanie was making waffles in my kitchen when I strolled out of bed.
“Good morning, dreamy.”
“Mornin’.”
“That dream must have been intense. You were shaking, Cedric.”
“Was I?”
Drop the subject. Drop the subject. Drop the subject.
“Yeah. I am glad I woke you up.”
“Me too.”
Another lie. I would take being with Allison any way I could, even in the form of a bizarre dream.
“What did you want to do today?”
It was Labor Day. I knew my mother was having a cookout, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go over there. Stephanie and I were supposed to be hanging out too and I would probably have to bring her. I wasn’t really ready to introduce her to my mother.
“What did you have in mind?”
Just as I spoke those words, my phone rang and I answered it.
“Hello.”
“Sup, shitface.”
“Wassup, Caleb.”
“You better get your ass down to Mom’s today or she is gonna roast more than that pig.”
“You and Denise going?”
“Of course, you think we could get away with not going to Ma’s cookout? Although I think Denise is gonna throw up when she smells the pig…her senses have been in overload this pregnancy.”
“Who else is gonna be there?”
“Just Callie, Maria, Kurt and maybe Bruno, I think…the usual crew.”
“Okay, we’ll probably show up for a bit.”
“We?” he asked curiously.
I walked into the bedroom so Stephanie couldn’t hear everything I was saying.
“I told you about Stephanie,” I whispered in a barely audible voice.
“Yeah, you did. But you didn’t sound too enthusiastic…so I just assumed—”
“She’s cool,” I whispered.
“Cool…but not—”
“Yeah, yeah…I know what you’re gonna say.”
“You do?”
“I fucking dreamt about her last night…out loud. I fucking wake up to Stephanie asking me who fuck Allison is. How fucked up is that?
“Pretty fucked up.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s good you’re trying to move on. I mean you still haven’t heard from her right?”
“Not a thing. I still don’t even know where she is.”
“Hmmm.”
“Gotta go…I’ll see you later,” I said and hung up the phone.
I waited before going back into the kitchen, sitting on the bed, staring out the window. It was a beautiful cool sunny day where you couldn’t distinguish whether it was late summer or early fall in Boston.
The last time I had seen Allison was the day I gave her the letter five months ago. She looked like an angel that day, wearing a pink dress, her hair blowing in the wind, her cheeks pink from the shock of seeing me sitting on her front steps. Late that same night, I got a text from her.
Cedric, I really appreciate your taking the time to explain everything to me through this letter. I need time to absorb all of this and ask that you please not contact me until I have had that opportunity. Thank you for the ring. It’s beautiful, although I am not sure if I can wear it, but I will cherish it.
It hurt so badly to hear her tell me not to contact her, but I was relieved that she read everything I had to say. I had been completely honest and for the first time since I met her, I had nothing to hide anymore.
That was five months ago, though, and Allison was nowhere to be found now.
Mom told me she had taken a leave of absence from working with Callie three months ago, but assured her she would be back. I still don’t know how Allison managed to keep working with Callie for the first two months after the letter, but she did. She was amazing like that.
Walking back into the kitchen, I noticed that Stephanie was already sitting down drinking coffee and eating her waffle.
“Sorry, I took so long.”
“No worries, Blue Eyes.”
I suddenly felt nauseous when she called me that. It was what Allison said she used to call me before we met.
My mind switched to thinking about whether taking Stephanie to my mother’s today was a good idea.
“So, what’s the verdict on today?” she asked.
“Do you like pork?”
“Is that what you guys call it these days?” Stephanie winked.
“Ha…no, I mean actual pork, as in pig meat.”
“Yeah…it’s okay. I prefer chicken.”
“My mother has a cookout every Labor Day and we roast a pig. It’s kind of a European tradition she picked up from her grandmother. Would you want to come with me? I sort of can’t get out of it.”
“Is the pig alive?”
“Oink. Oink.” I winked. “Just kidding…no, it’s already dead on arrival.”
“Oh, thank God.” She sighed.
“Don’t thank God, til you see its face. It’s still pretty gross, but the meat tastes great when everything’s done,” I said taking a bit of my waffle.
“Sounds like a plan. I’d love to meet your family.”
Hearing her say that made me cringe because I knew I wasn’t ready for this with Stephanie, but I just didn’t have the energy to get out of it.
Not knowing what to say to that, I repeated, “Sounds like a plan.”
CHAPTER 34
ALLISON
Three Months Earlie
r
The harmonious fire Moon brings interesting people crossing your path, Gemini. Their conversations are enlightening and leave you inspired over their encouraging words. You feel refreshed and motivated to continue on the course of those pushed-aside dreams.
The fasten seatbelt sign lit up and my heart was racing in anticipation of what would greet me once I left this plane. I always hated flying but mostly takeoff and landing.
As the plane slowly descended, I prayed that it wouldn’t hit the ground in a ball of flames. My nerves were acting up for a lot of different reasons right now.
When the jet touched down, I mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ to the man upstairs and realized that my breathing was still rapid, even though the plane had safely landed.
Thanking the pilot as I exited, I walked slowly down the long hallway that led to the inside of the terminal.
I didn’t know what they looked like, but they said they would find me. I hoped this wasn’t a mistake as I looked around and saw that no one made eye contact.
Suddenly, I turned around and saw a smiling woman who looked about sixty wheeling an equally beaming man approaching me slowly. The looks of amazement on their faces confirmed that I had found them.
“Allison!” Elaine said as she hugged me tightly, then pulled back to examine my features. After a stare that seemed to last forever, she said, “You are stunning, honey. Oh my God.”
I must have been blushing. “Hi Elaine. It’s great to finally meet you,” I said nervously.
I bent down to hug Ed who was in a wheelchair. I knew he was being treated for cancer, but was surprised to see how weak he actually was. When I pushed back, Ed’s tears were flowing, as we made eye contact.
“I can’t believe this. It’s surreal. I am sorry for being so emotional. I know this must be strange for you,” he said.
“Don’t worry about that. I understand,” I said as I took his hand, still bending down.
I stood up and the three of us walked silently together to the baggage claim and I separated from them to get my luggage. The few minutes alone were enough to grab my bearings again.
We resumed walking to the parking garage, as I wheeled my suitcase and Elaine wheeled Ed.
“We thought we could stop for lunch on the way home,” Elaine said.
“That would be great,” I said even though I was hardly hungry, as nerves had taken away my appetite.
Ed turned around to face me in the elevator. “Do you like pancakes, Allison?”
I smiled down at Ed. “Yes, I do.”
“There is this great Pancake House right off the highway on our way home. You can get breakfast or lunch and the best pancakes you’ve tasted anytime of day, lots of different kinds too.”
“That sounds great, Ed.” I could tell he probably wasn’t feeling well and hoped he wasn’t pushing himself being out like this.
As Elaine helped Ed into the car, I loaded my suitcase into the trunk. The ride to the restaurant was quiet, with Ed occasionally looking back at me and smiling as we made small talk.
“Was the flight okay?” he asked.
“As good as could be. I don’t really like to fly.”
“I don’t blame you.” He laughed.
When we got to the restaurant, the smell of the food helped bring some of my appetite back. I ordered blueberry pancakes per Ed’s suggestion.
I sat across from Ed and Elaine as we waited for our food, looking around the room to avoid the awkwardness of staring right at them as they examined the similarities between their dead daughter and me.
“So, Allison, is there anything you want to ask us?” Elaine asked.
After a long pause, I started to recall the questions I had gone over in my head prior to the trip.
“I guess I want to know how long you knew about me and why you never tried to find me sooner.”
Elaine looked down to gather her thoughts and then raised her head. “We knew for several years…probably from the time Amanda was five that there had been a twin, because a friend of mine who worked at the adoption agency confided in me after she left her job. We had no idea prior to that. She made it clear that there was no other information about your whereabouts. In retrospect, I wished that we had looked for you sooner, so that you could have met your sister. We made a decision when Amanda was young, though, that we would tell her when she was eighteen and let her decide whether she wanted to find you. I am so sorry, Allison,” Elaine said.
I looked over at Ed and he was starting to cry again.
“Ed, please. It’s okay. You need to save your energy. I am not upset with you, I promise.” I reached over across the table and grabbed his hand and we stayed like that until the food arrived. I had just met these people, but my heart broke for Ed and I wanted to comfort him.
The three of us ate quietly until Ed said, “Mandy used to love this restaurant.”
I let that sink in for a minute, and then dropped my fork. “Did you just call her Mandy…was that her nickname?”
“Only Ed called her Mandy…that was his nickname for her,” Elaine said, as Ed smiled at her.
Chills ran through me as I recalled the song that played at the diner the very first time I saw Cedric: it was Mandy by Barry Manilow.
I picked up my fork and ate again in silence as I thought about that eerie coincidence and seemed to feel her presence in this booth. It might have been my imagination, but I felt like she was here…now…I could sense it. And Ed’s use of the name today and my recollection of the song could be her way of showing me she has been here all along. I kept this realization to myself.
Ed interrupted my thoughts. “Allison, I want you to know, we thought we were doing the right thing all those years. If we had known what would have happened, we would have handled things differently.”
I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. “I know.”
After a bit more silence, Elaine asked, “Can you tell us a little about your childhood?”
I smiled as I recalled my mother. “Sure. I had a great childhood. I guess you could say Amanda and I were both lucky to be placed in good homes. My mother, Margo, was single and always wanted a child of her own. She made a good living and was on a waiting list and one day out of the blue got a call about a baby girl. I was hers ever since that day. She was my everything and provided a great life for me. I never had a father, but she was enough. She worked, but she never missed a dance class, never missed a soccer game. And when I grew up, there was nothing I couldn’t confide in her about. She died from cancer a couple of years ago. So…it’s been hard. She was my best friend.”
As I started to cry, Ed reached across the table and grabbed my hand again and joined me in tears, saying, “So you lost your everything and we lost ours.”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said sniffling and over the course of the next hour, I reminisced more about my mother. They shared memories of Amanda, who, it turns out, was a cheerleader in high school and won some competitions. She also studied abroad in Spain during the summer before her senior year in high school and was a grade A student. She had been majoring in journalism at Northwestern.
The lunch was emotional but the ride to their house was quiet.
When we pulled up to a beautiful but modest home in a nice suburb of Chicago, I realized my sister must have had the typical suburban upbringing.
Elaine brought Ed inside to his bedroom upstairs and when she returned I followed her down some stairs off of the kitchen into a converted garage that had been made into a bedroom.
“This was Amanda’s room. I thought maybe you would like to sleep here. It’s not exactly how she left it, but some of the things, I didn’t touch, like the bulletin board of photos over there and the items on the chest of drawers. I donated her clothes some years back, so the closet is empty. Feel free to hang all your things. It’s been a guest room for many years now.”
I looked around the pretty pink walls and décor. It was the epitome of a feminine room. There was a pink bedspread with small
white flowers, vintage Pottery Barn and the wallpaper had thick pink and white lines.
There was one window at the front of the room, which let a lot of sun in and a light summer breeze came through it.
“I’ll let you get situated. I am going to run upstairs and get you some towels and things,” she said.
“Thanks so much, Elaine.”
Left alone in Amanda’s room, I sat on the bed, looked around and then closed my eyes relishing the breeze. If I thought I could feel her presence at the restaurant, it was definitely out in full force right here. This room would be the epicenter, actually.
I immediately walked over to the bulletin board that hung on the wall. There were dozens of pictures held up by thumb tacks: Amanda’s high school graduation, cheerleading shots, a prom picture with a blonde boy who looked like Zach from the show Saved By the Bell. Then, I noticed the same picture that I had found of Amanda in Cedric’s binder. I took it off the wall and looked on the back.
To my gorgeous girlfriend, thank you for agreeing to pose for me. Love you, baby. Cedric.
I swallowed hard at seeing Cedric’s handwriting and from seeing the words ‘Love you.’
I stuck that photo back onto the board noticing another one of a young Cedric and Amanda, smiling from ear to ear, wearing St. Patrick’s Day hats and green shirts. It was always hard to see his beautiful face, but it was even harder to see him looking so happy with her, especially when she looked identical to me when I was eighteen. It was all so strange.
I turned that photo around and noticed that the date was March 2002. It was taken a month before she died. I felt tears start to form as I tried to block the accident and how she suffered before she died out of my mind.
She was so young. And she wanted to find me…she wanted me there. I had no idea she even existed and I was probably sitting in a mall food court eating taco bell when she died.
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