“Yeah,” she says, nodding quickly. “If...I mean if you want to-”
“I want to. Or…” I sigh and shake my head. I’m being ridiculous. If something’s going to happen it’s going to happen. Pretending like there’s nothing here between us is starting to become ridiculous. “I want to.”
“Okay. I’ll um...meet you in there then.” She gives me a little look I can’t place and I nod once and go to my room to get ready for bed.
I feel like I should wear more clothes this time so I wear pajama pants and a t-shirt. When I come to Alice in her room, she’s wearing a little tank top and shorts for bed that Luna gave her. It’s not exactly lingerie and yet it’s about the sexiest thing I’ve seen Alice wear. Which is going to make not getting hard a challenge. But I guess I’ll do my best.
It’s so odd, this situation. I feel like there’s some unspoken thing happening between us and yet we’re both too careful of the other person to make it spoken. I just can’t picture spooning up against anyone else who I call a friend and nothing more.
I move her hair so it’s not choking me and let my eyes slip shut. She smells so lovely. She smells like my mate, if I’m being honest. It’s a sort of assurance I can feel in my bones. She squeezes my hand, clasping it atop the covers. I want to kiss her neck but I settle for stroking her knuckles with my thumb.
We lie there for a while like that and I know she’s not sleeping anymore than I am.
Finally, she breaks the silence and says, “Mason…?”
“Hmm?”
“I think I...I feel like…”
She stops and I wait for something else but after another minute of silence, I say, “What is it? It’s okay, you can tell me?” It does feel as if there’s a sacredness to being in the dark alone with Alice. As if anything we might say isn’t the same as saying it in the light of day.
“Can I ask you a… I don’t know how to ask you this,” she says, laughing a little. “I don’t want you to… I don’t know…”
If she doesn’t say what she’s thinking, I imagine I might implode. “You can ask me anything,” I say simply.
“Is this what it’s like…”
Alice’s voice is so soft I can hardly hear her and my ears perk up, listening close, my chest pressed up against her back as we feel each other breathe.
“Is this what it’s like to have a mate?” Alice says. I gasp just a little bit at the question. Enough at least that I can’t pretend I didn’t. She must register my surprise. “Just tell me honestly. And maybe you don’t know. But sometimes it seems as if...this must be what it’s like.”
“I…” I swallow and when I inhale her scent, it comes over me like some little wave of warmth.
Yes, it must be.
“Maybe,” I whisper. “Sometimes I feel that too. But I don’t want you to have to worry about it. You’ve had so many people telling you what to do.”
“But you don’t.” She rolls over and faces me and it’s dark in the room so I can’t see her expression, but I feel the puff of her breath. My arm is still wrapped around her and I don’t move it. “You only ever make me feel like I’m safe and… Like I’m...special?”
“You are special,” I whisper, my lips twitching with the desire to kiss her. I settle for rubbing her back. “You’re smart and brave and lovely and… But to me you’re...you’re special to me.”
“I’ve never been special to anyone,” Alice says. “But you’re special to me too. And you don’t...you don’t have to be shy? About the way you feel…”
“Alice-”
Alice presses her lips to mine and I can’t help but reflexively smile against her mouth. She’s always surprising me in small ways and big ones. I would have thought she would be too shy to make a move or be open about how she felt. But she is the brave one, putting her heart out there and letting her feelings out into the air even when I’m too shy to do the same. I return the kiss, holding her a little closer. Our kiss is chaste and sweet and yet it also makes my wolf howl inside me. It’s like having just a taste of a dessert and it gives me the promise of more. Alice leans back and looks at me but it’s hard to see her in the dim light. I can’t tell if she’s smiling or frowning as I move my hand to run my fingers through my hair. She leans in to kiss me again and just the hint of her tongue makes me a little dizzy.
“That’s…” She chuckles and burrows into my neck. “You taste so good. I’ve been kissed before, but it wasn’t like that.” She pecks a kiss to my collarbone and it’s a good thing it’s dark because I’m sure I have a pretty dopey smile on my face. “It was never like that.”
In the morning, I have the same problem I had before and I creep out of the room to handle it like I did before. My orgasm is even more intense this time. Now I know what Alice tastes like and that’s all I have to think about as I get myself off. It’s like I’m a teenager again, coming from the mere idea of a kiss; the sensation of her lips pressed to mine and just the hint of her tongue running along the inside of my lip. Nothing more happened in the night. I would imagine I should go slowly with Alice. Just that kiss was enough to make me grin like an idiot in the shower and as I make breakfast before Alice makes her way down to join me.
She smiles shyly when she greets me but she looks a little down. My immediate thought is that she regrets kissing me and that she must be so turned around about everything. I can’t expect her to carry out the promise of one shared kiss in the night. I’m probably over-analysing based on one innocuous expression though. I have a tendency to do that.
“Are you alright?” I ask her. I can’t help but at least ask. If she doesn’t want to talk about whatever is bothering her, I’m not going to push.
“You didn’t like kissing me,” she says, frowning at me like she’s caught me at something. “You pretended to but you didn’t. And you don’t like sleeping with me. It’s okay that you don’t, Mason. But please don’t lie it’ll only hurt later-”
“Whoa whoa!” I’m not often given to exclaiming things but I’m baffled. I even raise my hands in defence. “I...What? What? Why would you think that? I didn’t lie, Alice. I like...I...loved kissing you.” I shake my head, rolling my eyes at myself. “I like kissing you far too much if you want to know the truth.”
“Then why do you go away in the morning?” She says, and I feel my cheeks burning. “I keep hoping I’ll wake up in your arms and then you’re gone?”
She keeps hoping she’ll wake up in my arms.
That seems like the most important revelation of the conversation and I can’t help but grin. Except that she still looks upset so I rub my mouth, erasing my expression.
Then I realize what I’m compelled to explain now and my smile really does collapse.
“I-I can explain,” I say slowly.
“I know you don’t have to rush to get out of bed,” Alice says sadly.
“No, I don’t. I….” I groan into my hand. It’s all so mortifying. I haven’t felt this mortified in a very long time. I rub my lips together and glance at Alice. “It’s so embarrassing.”
“Please.”
“You turn me on,” I say in a rush. She raises an eyebrow and it all comes pouring out of me. If she wants me to be honest and not hide my feelings I suppose I will do what she’s asking and hope for the best. “You arouse me, Alice. Of course, you do. I wake up… I wake up...hard. I wake up so hard it hurts and I don’t want to scare you or anything. Or make you feel like you have to do something about it. So I go take care of it. I go...I go…” I laugh to myself and rub my face. I never talk about this stuff with...anyone really. Not my brothers, even when we were young and figuring out sex, not with anyone. I guess I’m just sort of modest that way. Now I find myself looking at the girl who’s making me feel things I’ve never felt before and say: “I rub one out. I jerk off. I think of you and I come so hard it takes me a while to catch my breath. That’s the truth.”
“Ah. Ooh.” Alice turns bright red and her eyelashes flutter. I have to grip my knees under
the table. I want to shove everything off of it and make her scream my name, not because I’m possessing her or making my mark on her but just because I’m making her feel so happy and satisfied and desired that she can’t even handle how good it feels. “That’s okay. I mean…” She giggles into her hand. “It’s kind of funny.”
I roll my eyes, hiding behind my hand. “Oh, I’m sure it is.”
“It’s just that you’re so serious most of the time,” she says, laughing so hard now that tears form at the corners of her eyes and I can’t help but smile. “It’s funny to see you so embarrassed about something, especially that.”
“Great.”
“No, but it’s…” She stands up abruptly and takes her plate into the kitchen. I frown and follow her, curious where this is going. At the sink, Alice turns to me and slides her hands up my chest. I wasn’t expecting it and I breathe in, ducking my head, nosing along her cheek as she looks up at me. “I feel that way about you too,” she whispers. “I’m glad you feel that way. I’m glad you come so hard you can’t breathe.”
“Jesus, Alice…” This time I kiss her and I test the waters with my tongue. She presses up against me, pushing me up against the sink. I’m not shy this time and I wrap my arms around her and feel that thing that Aaron and Micah have told me about, that absolutely assured sense that this woman is mine and I am hers and it’s my job now to make her happy for the rest of my life.
My mate.
“Alice, I’m about to have to-”
“Okay okay,” Alice says, breathless as she steps away. Her mouth is swollen and pink and I kiss her one more time but her hands are sliding down my chest and soon I’ll be a goner. At the last second she takes a big step back, biting her lip. “Um...you need to work probably.”
“Yeah, well. I need to go on some errands actually,” I mutter. “My brother wants me to talk to his board. I hate those meetings. And I might stop by the grocery store. So you can have the house to yourself for a while.”
Alice looks me up and down and swallows and I take another step back. I feel as if she should take it sort of slow but the anticipation might drive me mad.
My mate.
“Okay,” she murmurs, tossing me a little wave. “See ya later then.”
“Yeah,” I say, laughing a little hysterically. “See ya later.”
Chapter Ten: Alice
When Mason leaves to go to his board meeting and run his errands, I find myself feeling giddy. In some ways, I have no reason to be. Eventually I’m going to need a job and I don’t have any particular skills (at least not in human form) and my well being right now is relying on one person which isn’t ideal. As much as Hardwidge was a horrible place to grow up, it did teach me to want to be able to survive on my own, at least as a wolf. Of course...I also can’t shift right now.
Those are all real worries that I need to think about.
But right now I don’t really care. Because for the first time maybe in my entire life, I feel...giddy. I feel the way the people in the romance novels I read feel when they’re in love. Dark little voices in my head try to warn me that I’m not good enough for a Tremblay and I have nothing to offer and then I fall back on the sofa and I can feel his lips against mine. I feel the way his muscles flexed under my fingers. I think of him lying on his bed, helpless with pleasure because he desires me so badly, as he brings himself off and, alone in the house, my hand finds its way inside my jeans.
Then, I get a wicked thought in my head and jump to my feet, pounding up the stairs to Mason’s room. There’s something naughty about this, but I feel like when I tell Mason I did it later, he’ll only be pleased. I lie back on Mason’s bed and his scent is all around me. I scoot up a little so I’m on his pillows and grab one, holding it close to my face. I can smell him; both man and wolf and I unbutton my jeans, slipping my hand inside my panties.
I’ve only actually done this a few times, mostly because there was rarely privacy at Hardwidge.
I think of Mason when he’s spooning me in bed and imagine his hand sliding up my shirt to cup my breast. It doesn’t take much to arouse me. More than anything the thought of his strong arms holding me so tenderly makes me press a finger to my clit as I touch my lips with my other hand and remember his kisses. I can feel how much he wants me and how much he holds himself back because he cares for me and now I’m rubbing more furiously, bucking up against my hand as I think of Mason Tremblay hovering over me, sliding slowly into me as he looks at me like I’m the only woman who he could ever want to be with.
“Mason!” I gasp, alone in the room, pleasure coursing through me as I imagine Mason’s cock thrusting inside me. I think of rolling us over and riding him and the way his hands would slide up my body as I feel him filling me up. I scream alone in Mason’s bedroom, arching and writhing until I can’t take it anymore and then I lie back, breathless, smiling to myself.
I make myself lunch. I have to remind myself about a dozen times that Mason wants me to take advantage of his kitchen and pretty much everything in his house. I guess I am feeling more comfortable here though, so it doesn’t feel like stealing to pick out some meat and cheese and bread and make a nice sandwich. I fool around with Mason’s TV. He kept saying I might want to watch Netflix and showed me how to bring it up. Now I have it up and I have no idea what I’m supposed to watch. There are so many choices. I click on the first thing I see and end up watching a show about some kids who are maybe aliens? It’s difficult to follow and I can’t tell if that’s because I accidentally started watching in the middle or because I’m not quite used to TV. It’s sort of entertaining but when I’m done eating, I turn it off.
I know what I should be doing and I’ve been avoiding it. I think that’s because I’m afraid I’ll fail. Or rather, I know I’m afraid I’ll fail. I waste time then, slowly washing the dishes I just used. To be fair, I’m sort of fascinated by every single thing in Mason’s house, so I do take a long time to complete what are likely simple tasks just because I’m enchanted by, for example, squeezing a sponge. Then I remember sharing the kitchen with Mason and the way he got so flustered moving around me and it makes me smile and I start thinking about Mason too much and lose track of what I was doing completely.
Oh, right. Shifting.
I haven’t been able to shift since the cave and not only do I need to be able to just to maintain my sanity as a shifter, but I miss it. As bad as Hardwidge was, not every minute was completely miserable. My happiest times at Hardwidge were when I was shifted and running free in the woods. I like it best alone and if not, then with Andy. The woods were where I could feel like myself, even if I couldn’t feel like myself as a human. Only now does it occur to me that it made sense for the Hardwidge alphas, one after the other, to make life as a human so untenable. They made human life look utterly miserably so that we would only ever want to be wolves. It was sort of genius, I guess.
I take the time to dry the dishes and then put them away and then I wipe down the counters, even though they’re already clean. When I can’t think of anything else to do, I heave a sigh and drag myself outside. I’ve been cooped up in the house too long, and the woods smell good as I venture across the road into the forest. I’m not terrified. I’ve always felt most comfortable in the woods and I’ve been feeling stronger and braver the last few days since getting out of the hospital and being in a safe place. I almost feel safer here in the familiarity of the pines. The scent of wet dirt and trees is so comforting, even as I sniff out animals around me. I’m the predator here, assuming I’ll be able to shift. I don’t smell any other wolves nearby. And even if I can’t, I understand how to deal with animals even as a human, I have since I was a little girl.
I don’t go too far. There’s no need now and I don’t smell any humans near either. When I’ve found a nice clearing, I sit down in the dirt. I’ve been stuck before; trapped and unable to shift. In my experience, the best way to snap yourself out of the rut is to sit calmly for long periods of time. It can be very frus
trating, but I’m hoping my situation has calmed down enough that my wolf won’t be too freaked out to show herself.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The idea of meditating, or at least meditating the way I’ve done it, is something I found for myself. It’s certainly not something they taught me at Hardwidge. If you couldn’t shift there, they’d just punish you for it; let you starve or challenge you to a fight until you snapped yourself out of it. I’ve seen that work too, but it never worked with me.
Sorry excuse for a wolf.
I hear Jason’s voice in my head like a crack of thunder. I hear him taunting me and telling me I’m pathetic if I can’t shift. I hear the men at that compound where they kept Micah Tremblay prisoner talk about how Luna was “uppity” to even think for a second she could score herself a Tremblay. It strikes me that they didn’t think much of themselves either. They only really pretended to. They were full of fear because they were trapped in the only lives they’d ever known and they didn’t know how to save themselves outside of doing whatever their alpha told them to do, even when a lot of them probably knew it wasn’t right and only hurt them anyway.
I feel like those are important revelations, but it’s not clearing my head either. I try to focus on the smell of the trees and the earth under me. I think about the cool air on my skin. Soon enough I’m not thinking about anything at all. I rest like that for a long time; thinking of nothing in particular and waiting for my wolf to make her appearance.
The wolf does not make her appearance.
“I feel pretty good,” I mutter to myself. “I feel better than I have probably ever.”
“I feel calm. I feel safe. I feel...like a calm, safe wolf,” I say.
No wolf. I don’t know if the wolf appreciates me grumbling. But it’s difficult not to be impatient. I think I should win some kind of award though, because I stick around in the woods for another couple of hours just waiting for the wolf to show. I imagine myself calling for her, setting out treats to lure her out.
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