“Hey,” Micah says, grinning. “I resent that remark.”
That night I go on a run with my brothers and it feels like the best run I’ve gone on in a long time. The only thing that makes it not the best run ever is that Alice isn’t there. She can’t shift yet, but she will. I know she will. And when she does, she’s going to run free with me by her side.
“Alice?”
When I get home, I find her on the couch, curled up with a book. That seems like a good sign to me. I feel like she was maybe (possibly) waiting for me to get home and actually talk for real. If she really didn’t want to talk to me, I feel like she’d be up in her room, hiding out.
“Hmm?” She doesn’t look up from her book but her little grunt seems less pissed than anything else has since our little tiff.
“Can I talk to you?” I hang up my jacket and drop my keys in the dish by the door. Alice just shrugs and I can’t help but smile to myself. I guess she’s the type to leave the door ajar for conversation after a fight. It’s interesting to learn all her idiosyncrasies every day. “To you. Not at you.” She smiles a little at that, so that’s something.
“Sure.”
I sit down next to her. “I don’t know best. And you don’t need a push. I got cocky. About thinking I knew what you needed. And I apologize for doing that.”
Alice ducks her head a little and says, “Thanks. I’m sorry I couldn’t...I don’t know. Explain myself better.”
“I mean if I ask you if you’d like to do something and you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. And you don’t always necessarily have to explain yourself. It’s not like I’m your boss or something.”
“You’d be a terrible boss,” Alice says, leaning against me. “You’re too cute. I wouldn’t be able to stop staring at you and I’d never get any work done.”
“We had our first fight,” I say, putting my arm around her.
“I hated it,” Alice says sulkily.
“It’s gonna happen,” I say, kissing her hair. “But that’s okay too. We can handle fights. You might have to remind me that I don’t actually know anything.”
“I’ll put a note on the fridge,” Alice says, chuckling.
“Thanks, sweetheart.”
That night, Alice returns me to her bed and I hold her in my arms again. And this time it feels even sweeter than it did before.
Chapter Sixteen: Alice
Mason squints at me as I mutter to myself, completing another equation on one of the algebra practice sheets he printed out for me. At Hardwidge, there was never very much to our “schooling” though I devoured whatever I was given and tried to take advantage of the library whenever I got a chance to go. Now it feels as if all the knowledge in the world is right at my fingertips. I just have to master the basic stuff first so I can pass the GED which Mason insists I’m actually over-studying for. Catching up with people almost ten years younger than me is frustrating, but I like a challenge. My only problem seems to be knowing when to stop. I’ve come to make a routine of falling asleep on top of my books.
“I don’t understand how you picked up algebra this quickly,” Mason muttered. “They didn’t teach you this stuff at Hardwidge?”
“The math was pretty basic,” I say, shrugging. I’ve been hunched over the kitchen table with my books and practice sheets all morning. Mason has been working but now he’s peeking over my shoulder as I finish up another round of solving for x. “Just enough to get by in day to day life really and know that people weren’t cheating you. But algebra...I don’t know. It’s just logical, isn’t it? Process of elimination of stuff like that.”
“Yeah,” Mason says, kissing my hair. “It is. Remind me never to underestimate you if I ever do make that mistake.”
“Don’t worry, I will,” I say, chuckling. “Hmm… At least I think I got the Language Arts part down. Social Studies is just catching up on some reading really. I’m weak on Science…”
“It’ll be easy,” Masons says, stretching as he goes off to the kitchen. “The GED part is a piece of cake. Figuring out what classes you want to take in the fall, now that’ll be hard.”
“I want to take everything,” I mumble. Which I know is a silly thing to say, but that’s how I feel.
“I think you will eventually,” Mason says, with that fond little smile of his.
I spend a few more hours hard at it, studying everything that the GED Test Guide recommends I study. When I’m as prepared as I can be, I’ll be scheduling to take the exam at the Quinton Occupational Center and if I pass, I get a nice certificate that means I’ve as good as graduated from high school. Which is nice, since I never spent a day there. Then it’s off to community college which I’m told is not that great but I’m hoping to transfer to the University of Washington. Mason says he thinks I’m “capable of anything” because he’s sweet and ridiculous and then he reminds me that I don’t have to set anything in stone and that I also deserve to relax a little… I keep having to explain to him how much working hard at something I want for myself makes me happy and then he gets a sleepy little smile on his face and kisses me. So I guess he does get it.
I apparently do need Mason to tell me when I’m being nuts once in a while. Weeks pass and I’m still studying for the GED, reading whatever I can get my hands on, and falling into bed with Mason at night. If it wasn’t for Mason, I don’t think I would remember to eat. He’s the one who sits me down and tells me that I’m over-prepared and suggests that I might have some anxiety that’s giving me a sort of warped view of an exam that he’s pretty sure I won’t have much trouble passing.
It takes him a while to convince me and Luna has to help but I finally agree to schedule the GED test. I feel a little lighter when I do.
A couple days before the test, Mason takes me down to the bookstore in town. We’ve visited the bookstore a few times, whenever I could make myself take a little time for in between studying. It’s always a welcome distraction, though I think I like the library even more in theory. There’s something so beautiful about a communal agreement that everybody’s allowed to borrow books and return them when they’re done.
The only problem with going to the bookstore is that I have so much trouble deciding what I want. I can spend hours there...and I have. Mason is a book person too but even he gets impatient after a while and then he goes down to the coffee place on the corner to wait for me.
But today, Mason is acting mischievous. He’s standing behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders as I browse the best sellers.
“Do you still want a job?” Mason says.
“Yes,” I say firmly, skimming a book jacket. “Part-time at least. I know it might be difficult with school but plenty of people do that, don’t they.”
“Yes, they do,” Mason says. “How about this place?”
The thought of working in a bookstore makes my heart sing, as cheesy a thought as that is. Going to school, getting paid to be around books, and coming home to Mason Tremblay? I’m literally not sure what more a girl could want.
“Are they hiring?” I ask him, my voice wavering just a little.
“Yep.” Mason wraps his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck. I had a conversation with Micah when he came over with Luna recently and they claimed that Mason was never affectionate with anyone in public. I feel quite proud of bringing this side out of him. “A few booksellers just left. I think it would be perfect for you. I grabbed you an application already.”
“Well…” I hate to get my hopes up about things. “Who knows if they’ll actually hire me? I’ve never had a job in my life.”
“That’s okay,” he insists, kissing my neck. “It’s a good entry level job.”
Every new thing I’m trying in the world feels like an adventure which means it’s work and it makes me nervous but it’s also exciting. And it’s like I thought before with Mason. I could do it without him. But I don’t want to. He makes everything better.
The only thing that still bothers me is that I still
haven’t shifted, though I think I’m getting closer. I’ve felt my wolf inside me, pacing and wanting to get out. The last few times I went to the woods to meditate, I felt like it almost happened. Once I thought I actually was shifting, almost as if I felt my body changing when it wasn’t and was surprised to find I was still human when I opened my eyes.
Sometimes I almost feel as if my wolf is being stubborn. As if she doesn’t feel she’s needed yet and she’ll come out when she damn well pleases which isn’t how shifting is meant to work, but I’m hoping once I break through I’ll be able to shift when I want to again.
A week later, I have a new job and I still haven’t shifted. I feel like my wolf is running in circles inside me at this point. Mason’s theory is that I could and that my subconscious is blocking me for some reason. Then he gets all shy about suggesting why. I think he’s afraid of pretending to know too much again. Which is kind of adorable.
Although I think he might be right.
I just don’t know why my subconscious might be blocking me. Sometimes I think it’s something to do with Jason. As if he scared my wolf away so badly, she’s afraid shifting will bring him back...or something. I can’t make heads or tails of it. It’s a bothersome little worry that I think about sometimes.
I’m thinking about it again one night while working at the bookstore. It’s only my third day of work and I’m just starting to get a little bit used to it. I was shy about working the register but they were in need of people to fill different positions, so they have me shelving books.
I am probably being silly, but I cannot imagine a better job than shelving books. I’m sure I’ll change my mind about that someday but for the time being, I take a crazy amount of joy in organizing books by genre and author and probably taking too long because I want to look at every single one. I rarely finish a single day of work without a few new books either in my hands or on my To Buy list. But I’m also taking my GED test soon and then eventually starting school. I know I won't have as much time as I do now to read. I have to “make hay while the sun shines” which is a phrase Mason used once and which I didn’t stop laughing about for ten minutes.
The bookstore is empty for this evening so close to closing and my co-worker, Lynne, is in the back.
So nobody is around to see when Jason walks in the door.
Jason walks in like he owns the place, as if there’s nothing unusual or even threatening about him suddenly showing up. I know that Xander’s people have been looking for him but he’s evaded them so far. To be honest, I haven’t been thinking that much about it. I’m not afraid of him anymore. But even now, seeing him right in front of me and with Mason back at home, I feel my heart leap into my throat and at the same time I feel anger rush through me like a white hot lightning bolt.
How dare he.
That’s all I can think when he walks through the door and makes the little bell above the door jingle as he picks books off tables and looks at them like he’s actually planning to buy. How dare he come here and step into my life like the door is wide open for him.
He can’t see me yet, though doubtless he knows I’m here just by my scent. I’m hidden by a rack of romance novels and I very calmly take my phone out of my pocket to text Mason that Jason has just showed up. I’m hoping Xander himself will catch him, or one of his people.
Mason texts back immediately that he’s on it and I feel a little better. Though if anything, I should try to stall Jason and keep him here until the cavalry arrives. That’s what we should have done last time. The thought of keeping him here for more than a second isn’t exactly enticing though.
“Aliiiiice,” Jason sings softly. He whistles like he’s whistling for a dog. My co-worker comes out the back and I tell her some troublesome customer has come in and I’ll just get rid of them since we’re closing and that’s enough to send her in the back. “I can smell you, sis.”
I don’t want Jason to think I’m scared of him anymore, so I step out and face him, taking a deep breath. He looks both better and worse than the last time I saw him. He’s healed up from the wound that might have killed somebody who wasn’t a shifter. But he also looks thinner and a little gaunt. He’s probably been on the run and he’s likely without any allies. He only had Kyle before, and Kyle’s who knows where now; displaced to some other pack. Jason is all alone. I don’t exactly feel sorry for him.
“Hello, Jason,” I say, walking up to meet him.
I see Jason’s face fall slightly and realize it’s because I’m walking right up to him and I’m not cowering. I’m not crying or screaming or running away. I know that he can kill me if he wants to. It’s not that I don’t know he can still hurt me. I’m just not scared anymore. Because if he is going to hurt me, I’m going to go out fighting. That’s for damn sure.
“Hey there, sister,” Jason says, grinning. “You’re looking well.”
“Thanks,” I smile sardonically and point to the door. “You look like shit and you need to leave.”
“That’s not very nice of you.” Jason spins around as if looking for somebody. “Say, where’s your big, strong Tremblay? Or is he not here right now? Oh no, what will you do?”
“Not scared of you, Jason.”
Jason laughs at that but I see that he’s actually nervous. “Somebody’s gotten real big for her britches. ‘Course you have. Living in that fancy house, pretending to be human with those traitor Tremblays-”
“I told you to leave,” I say slowly. “I have nothing to say to you. And I’m not afraid of you anymore. I just want you to go.”
“I think you’re forgetting that we’re family,” Jason spits, but I can see the desperation in his eyes. “You and me, sis. We got blood. We gotta stick together-”
“You’re scared,” I say, looking him straight in the eye. “You’re terrified-”
“Fuck you!”
“You’re all alone and I’m the only person you have left to try to hang onto,” I say slowly. “Except I’m not. I’m sorry they hurt you, Jason-”
“You shut the fuck up, girl-”
“They hurt you just like they hurt me. And mom left us and never tried to get us back and that hurt you too. So you became one of them because it was easier. I’m sorry for it. But it’s not my problem. I can’t be there to help you, Jason.”
I don’t think anything is as shocking as seeing Jason’s eyes well up with tears. A part of me really feels sorry for him. He is my brother after all. But there’s a difference between forgiving somebody and inviting them to hurt you again.
“I don’t need you,” Jason says, though I doubt he’s telling the truth as his voice shakes. “You need me to get you away from this-”
“I told you to go!”
I don’t plan on it, I really don’t. Jason isn’t even frightening me right now. If anything, he’s reminding me of when we were both little. He’d act exactly the same way when he was scared. He’d lash out at everyone else. But we’re not little kids anymore.
And all at once I shift. The feeling of the wolf coming out and of my muscles shifting and stretching is so good. I don’t know what to compare it to other than the sensation of a hot shower after a long day.
Jason doesn’t shift. He stands here, human and scared as I bare my teeth and growl at him.
I’m so happy that I’ve shifted, I could almost forget what’s happening right now. But I’ll celebrate later. Right now, my brother needs to leave. For good this time.
I snap at Jason and he jumps back. He’s shaking. He also continues not to shift even as I’m threatening to tear his arm off at any second. I watch a tear slide down his cheek and all his attempts at bravado disappear.
Jason ducks his head and wipes his nose and then he says, “I won’t bother you again, Alice.”
With that...he just leaves.
I shift back and all I can do is stand there, staring at the door and the bell above it still jingling.
I have to think it’s Jason who can’t shift now. Something must have
happened to him or maybe it was just being on his own with no one left to bully and no one even left to bully him finally caught up with him.
That little confrontation sure wasn’t what I would have expected from running into my brother again. But I find myself relieved that it didn’t end in a fight at least.
Minutes later, Mason shows up with Xander in tow and I smile when they walk in so they know I’m okay.
“He’s gone,” I say shrugging. “I meant to keep him here but… It didn’t go how I thought it would have? I don’t think he’ll be bothering me again.”
It takes a while for me to explain what just happened. I’m not sure the two of them will ever quite understand it. To them, the bond between brothers is forever. I envy them for that but I feel okay about what happened with Jason. I think he might even become a better person if he can begin to look at himself honestly. But for now at least, I guess he’s just a lone wolf.
Mason and Xander hang around the shop while I close up and it’s nice. Xander’s come over for lunch a couple times. I found him a little brusque at first but now I just tease him for it and he doesn’t even seem to mind. He’s thanked me for what I did for Luna and Micah so many times, it’s starting to get embarrassing.
After dinner that night, Mason seems even more lovey dovey than usual. Which is saying something. The longer we’re together, the less shy he is about affection. We hang around at the table, drinking coffee and chatting. It feels so comfortable now.
“I admire you,” he finally says softly.
“Hmm?” I was looking at Instagram on my phone, trying to figure out exactly why people seem to take so many pictures of their food and now I look up at Mason with wide eyes. “You admire me?”
“I dunno, I just admire you,” he says, blushing a little bit. “If I could have any woman in the world to choose as a mate, I’d choose you. Not sure how I got so lucky really.”
I get up from my chair and stride over to Mason, straddling him on his chair and hoping it doesn’t collapse underneath us.
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