“Em. Liv. Stop before you say something to each other you’ll regret.” Jake put his hands up between the two of them. “Em isn’t trying to stop you having a relationship, Liv. She’s just encouraging you to be careful and not to take on too much.”
“For the love of all things holy,” Olivia shouted. “Don’t the two of you get it? I am trying to step out of the shadows of what happened. I need to get to a normal life. One that doesn’t revolve around you two questioning me all the fucking time to see if I’m fine. Your constant asking makes me question whether I am, and it’s literally a step away from gaslighting me. Whether you mean to or not. You make me question whether I am capable or not instead of reassuring me that I am. You know, screw the budget meeting. I need to go home and cool down. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Olivia whipped her coat off the hook and grabbed her phone before shoving it into her purse.
“Liv, don’t leave mad,” Em said, but Olivia headed for the door.
Jake put his hand out to stop her as she tried to leave her office. “Can you at least try to see it from our perspective?”
“Why? Why does my mental health have to be centered around you? And why are we even having this conversation at work? Just let me get on with my job, and let me get on with my life.”
“Liv, please,” Jake said.
Olivia barely acknowledged Jake’s words. She was still mad. No, she was hurt. When she’d needed support, they’d effectively lectured her on the way she should be handling things. Her therapist had told her once that those around depressed people seek to find solutions to depression that they feel would help them out of it. And because most people didn’t understand depression properly, they found solutions to what they thought depression was.
Perhaps she needed to give them some slack, or at least recognize that they were trying to be helpful.
Jake placed his hand on her shoulder and gave her a gentle shake. “I’m sorry, Olivia.”
She took a deep breath to steady her emotions and patted his hand. “So am I.”
“You know it’s because we love you. We’re just fumbling our way through this too. And we fuck up,” Emerson said.
“It’s more that you think you know how to navigate what happened to me, when you don’t. I don’t need you to tell me when I can and can’t have a boyfriend. What I need is for you to be happy for me. To invite him to dinner. To get to know us. To see me with him. Encourage me. Remind me I can do this. Not tell me I can’t, that I should be careful, that I shouldn’t even try.”
Jake ran his hand through his long hair. “Well articulated, little sis. You’re right. I don’t remember you being this smart.”
“Yeah, well . . . you don’t even remember my birthday without Em reminding you so . . .”
Emerson snorted. “True story. And it’s later this month.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault. I can’t help it if I can remember that the terpinene compound of juniper gives it a woody taste while the terpinen-4-ol gives it a hint of nutmeg, yet forget where I parked my car. My brain isn’t wired the same as yours.”
“That’s bullshit and we know it. You could have gotten a chemistry degree with your ability to remember flavor compounds and chemical structures.”
Jake picked up her pen and tapped it on the desk. “Yeah. Well. School wasn’t my thing.”
“Not sure it was my thing, either. It didn’t get me very far last year.”
“Last year was an anomaly, Liv. A blip. A trial to test your resilience, and hey, look here, you passed.”
Fucking big blip.
“You really like this guy, Liv?” Emerson asked.
“Honestly, yes.” Olivia didn’t add that she also wanted to kill him right now. He owed her an explanation, and she liked him enough to hear him out.
“Fine. I might still call him out.” The timer went on Jake’s phone. “Sorry, gotta go kill the tail on the Medallion run. Catch you later.”
Olivia nodded.
Emerson stood and grabbed her laptop. “I’ll do better, Liv. Let’s reschedule this meeting and try again tomorrow, okay?”
Olivia sighed. “That’s a good idea. I’m going to leave a little early, I think.”
She grabbed her things and left the office, wondering when, or if, things would ever be back to normal.
The steps down to the exit felt never-ending. Her need for distance intensified as the door came into sight. Once outside, she took a deep breath of cool air.
“Hey, kämpe. Can we talk?” Anders walked to the front of his car and leaned against the hood.
She looked at Anders’s face, but as usual, it didn’t give a lot away. He wore a dark gray peacoat, unfastened over a black sweater and jeans. His blond hair was covered by a dark beanie, and he’d shaved since she’d last seen him.
“Were you out here waiting for me?”
Anders shook his head. “I just got out of the car and was about to come inside when I saw you coming out. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about seeing me, or me showing up where you work.”
Olivia popped the trunk, and she placed her bags inside. When she was done, Anders reached for her hands. “I acted like an idiot, Liv. We just started this relationship again and then I fucked it up. I want to own my actions. I was so engrossed in my work that I ignored you. Even if I didn’t have time this morning, there was a much better way I could have told you.”
She found herself relieved that he understood that his actions caused her pain. It was enough, but she remained silent.
“I spent time talking with Karl this morning, and he pointed out something I should have probably figured out by myself. I keep thinking of playing hockey and having a relationship as two mutually exclusive things. That I can only do them well if I do them one at a time. That I’ll be great in a relationship in the off-season, or that I’ll play great hockey if I’m single.” He sat on the edge of the trunk and pulled her between his thighs. “Forgive me, Liv.”
It was a statement rather than a question. “I argued with Jake and Emerson just now. It was the first time I really let my true feelings out. They were trying to warn me about getting involved with someone. That now might not be the right time.”
Anders’s eyes went wide, and she sensed his worry about what she was going to say next.
“What I told them kind of mirrors your revelation. They felt I needed to be fully back-to-normal to be in a relationship. That until I was one hundred percent perfectly me again, I shouldn’t involve someone else. But the truth is, you take me as I am. And I don’t think I’m ever going to be quite the same person again. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a revised-version-of-me kind of way, and I’m still figuring out who she is. But I don’t want to wait on what is ultimately every person’s life work, to define who they are, before I love someone on the journey. I can work on me as a work in progress, and still be capable of loving someone else.”
Anders pulled her hands to his lips, and then let them go to place his hands on her hips. “Maybe that’s our foundation, Liv. Perhaps a relationship is the one stable thing we have while everything else settles.” With a tug, he pulled her closer.
His physical strength gave her a security she didn’t realize she’d needed. It enabled her to tamp down the whispers that he’d not be around in the summer to live up to his suggestion. “I like that idea.”
He slid a hand around her neck and pulled her lips to his. His kiss was firm and decisive, his tongue meeting hers as she savored the warmth of his body.
“Fuck,” he groaned, pulling his head back. “Do you forgive me?”
“Are you going to handle things differently the next time I interrupt you or distract you? I don’t want the kind of relationship where I have to book time in your calendar to see you.”
Anders rubbed his hand along his chin. “I’m going to try. And you need to call me out if I fuck up. Don’t just leave.”
Olivia nodded. “Agreed.”
“Good. Because I have a gi
ft for you.” He pulled his phone out and typed a message. Within seconds, her phone pinged in her pocket. “Details for Friday. It’s a couple of hours by car, somewhere we can be together, just the two of us. I’ll be coming back late from the flight from Dallas, so you’ll get there before me. The earlier you get there, the more you can enjoy it. Go to bed, you don’t need to wait up. But when you wake, I’ll be right there next to you.”
“It’s too much,” Olivia replied. “I don’t expect this.”
“I fucked up, Liv. And I’m shit at all the words stuff. I figured time together would be the best thing I could give us.”
The idea of just the two of them sounded perfect. “Thank you.”
“Romance doesn’t come naturally to me, Liv. But I’m willing to learn and to practice.”
Olivia kissed him tenderly. “It’s enough that you’re trying.”
Anders grinned. “Let me know if you need me to arrange a car to get you to our retreat or if you’re going to drive.”
Olivia stepped out of the warmth of his embrace. “Okay.”
Anders huffed. “Want to come and work out with me? I know this cool gym that can also do dinner, if you like.”
Liv looked up at the distillery, letting go of the cautions Em and Jake had thrown at her.
“I’d love to.”
11
Holy shit.
It was early afternoon on Friday when Olivia pulled up outside the contemporary two-story chalet and switched off the engine to Jake’s truck. The weather forecast had predicted more snow, and Jake had insisted her Toyota wasn’t up to the challenge of the two-hour drive from Denver to Vail. She’d humored Jake and accepted his four-wheel drive with snow tires.
When Anders had sent her the address for the rental, she’d had no idea what to expect. But her wildest imaginings hadn’t come even close to the contemporary timber home with large apex windows. And from the snow-covered mountains that flanked the rear of the building, she could only imagine what the view would be like inside.
She jumped out of the truck, the snow crunching beneath her feet as she landed. When she’d asked Anders what she needed to bring for the weekend, he’d assured her that the whole reason for the getaway was for the two of them to relax.
She’d taken Anders at his word and brought a small suitcase packed with clothing for comfort, and underwear she hoped Anders would appreciate. The wind whipped snow off the ground as she pulled her suitcase and tote bag out of the rear of the truck and locked everything up for the night. A lock box was on the door as promised, and once Olivia had retrieved the key, she let herself inside and slipped out of her coat.
With a gasp, she took in the home then pulled out her phone.
“Natalie. Can you chat right now?”
Natalie’s hair was tied back from her face and she wore a bright purple pair of scrubs. “You caught me just before I left for home. Is everything okay?”
“Yes, no. I mean yes, but holy crap. You should see this place.”
“I told you it was going to be somewhere amazing,” Natalie squealed. “Show me, show me.”
Olivia turned the camera so Natalie could see the plush-soft furniture in shades of beige and cream. Fur throws were placed on artistic angles on sofas that flanked a large fireplace.
“Oh my god. You could hold a dance party in the fireplace alone,” Natalie said. The fire had been built but not lit, and there was an extensive pile of logs and kindling next to the hearth.
“I know, right? There’s even a floating staircase to the second floor. Look.” She slipped her hat off and left it with her coat, both of them draped over the handle of her case.
“What’s the view like?”
“Wow,” Olivia muttered to herself as she stepped into the living room. The view out of the windows was everything she thought it would be. She felt as though she could reach out of the window and touch the hills behind the chalet. Two brown leather chaises were facing the awe-inspiring view.
“Urgh,” Natalie said. “I hate you so hard right now. I’m going home to eat leftover noodles, and you get a glass of red wine and that view all to yourself until Anders comes home.”
The kitchen was another revelation. Mid-brown tones of wood, stainless steel appliances, and a double-doored fridge that looked larger than her bathroom. Opening the doors revealed another shock.
“The fridge is even stocked, Natalie. Like, how do you make something like this happen? There’s champagne and white wine.” She stole a grape from the bowl and popped it in her mouth. “I’d planned to go grocery shopping, but I don’t even need to do that. There’s salmon and chicken and all kinds of sides. Everything is already taken care of.”
“You make it happen if you earn a seven-figure contract and have people who can help. He obviously wanted you to enjoy yourself. So that’s what you should do. Light that fire, stare at that view. Drink everything that sparkles in that damn fridge. Allow yourself to be treated like a queen for once, Liv.”
She should. Who knew when this would ever happen again? He wanted to be traded. Their time together like this would be limited if he was.
“Are you okay, Liv?” Natalie asked, interrupting her thoughts.
“Yeah. Just thinking about how much harder it will be to do this if he’s living on the East Coast.”
Natalie shook her head. “Don’t go there, Liv. I don’t know Anders well at all, but it strikes me he’s gone through a lot of effort and money to make this fun for you both. It’s something you only do if you actually care for the person.”
Natalie’s words soothed her worries, but sometime soon, she’d need to share them with Anders. “Thanks. I think I needed to hear that.”
“Anytime. Just don’t waste the afternoon working.”
Olivia grinned. “I’ll do my best.”
After she’d hung up with Natalie, Olivia checked her watch. Three in the afternoon. It was likely twelve hours before Anders arrived. She’d planned to drop off her things and then go to the store, but now she didn’t need to, and she had plenty of time to get on with the work she had brought with her.
With a plate of crackers, cheese, veggies, and hummus, she settled at the large formal dining table that could easily accommodate twelve people. The window looked west, and from that vantage point, she was bound to catch the sunset.
The top of the list was the reopening of the events hall the following year. Emerson had asked her to pull together the specifications for the interior. Given she’d been so involved in the old one, Olivia knew what worked and what didn’t. But it was such a large request. Sure, the architects working with them were experts, but shit, what if she forgot something important? What if she forgot to mention that she hoped to expand the range of business offerings, and if the hall was used for corporate events, it would be great if there were a few more breakout rooms? Or what if she forgot to mention that she’d like to be able to split the main hall in half for when smaller events were happening? Years ago, she’d forgotten to include the events hall when she’d filled out the insurance forms for her father. Who knew what else she could forget?
It was time to pull up her big girl panties and make some decisions.
She glanced down at the budget outline, then back up at the mountains. As she thought about things she needed to tell the architect, she doodled on the corner of the page. The slope of the peaks, the dense needles of the pines. A whisp of clouds.
As the sun set over the mountains, Olivia systematically worked through each item on her list. By the time she was finished, she had as many questions as she had decisions, and her page was covered in sketches, front and back.
She felt a sense of peace as all the thoughts and worries that had been fluttering around her head were now down on paper, never to be forgotten. Future thoughts could be captured the same way. More importantly, the sketching had soothed her, had taken away some of the worries and pressure she’d felt.
They weren’t her best work, but perhaps they didn’t n
eed to be to enjoy the process. For the first time in months, she wondered where her watercolor paints were. She hadn’t used them since she’d moved in with her dad. They must be in one of the totes under her bed at Natalie’s apartment.
Stretching, she raised her hands in the air and cracked her neck. The clock on her phone said she’d been seated for three hours. Figuring she’d probably come back to the project over the weekend, she left the papers on the table. There was nothing confidential. It didn’t matter if Anders saw them.
Ninety minutes later, Olivia was showered and dressed in an oversized cream sweater and gray knee-high socks. The crackle and scent of the fire catching filled the room. With a plate of salmon and fresh salad, Olivia was ready for the game.
While the enjoyment level of being at the game in person was higher, watching it on TV was much better than watching it at the arena. First, she could keep up with the puck, as the camera did a lot of the work for her. Second, she could see Anders’s face more clearly.
If only his face actually revealed anything. Stoic was a word she could use to describe him. There were plays she thought he did well, with what little expertise she had. Passes that led to two goals. Several attempts on net of his own. But there were also things that didn’t look so great. Hitting the boards with a thunk, ending up flat on the ice thanks to a brute who played for Dallas. Yet, his face remained completely neutral. He’d simply get up and skate away. Definitely not a hothead.
She knew he felt things. God, she’d seen him feel things. Seen him laugh, seen him frown, seen him come apart as he lay on top of her. But the on-ice version lived up to his nickname, the Iceberg.
After a prolonged period of time repressing her own feelings, Olivia knew it was unhealthy. She wondered what it cost Anders to keep everything he felt so deeply inside himself.
At the end of the game, the Denver Rush had won but there was minimal celebration. The team skated straight off the ice. As Olivia flicked channels to find something else to watch, she couldn’t imagine how Anders must feel. Cool down, shower, a ninety-minute flight, and then a two-hour car ride.
Love In Moments: An opposites attract hockey romance (Love Distilled Book 2) Page 15