by E. L. Todd
She stared at me like she hadn’t heard me. “Huh?”
“I didn’t get in anywhere…” I felt awkward lying to her. I hoped she would mistake my hesitance for shame.
She was completely flabbergasted. “Are you sure?”
I nodded.
“Did you read the letter right?”
“Yes, Skye.” I put my hands in my pockets and looked at the floor.
“I just…I find that hard to believe. No, actually, I find that impossible to believe. How could they reject a Harvard graduate with a perfect GPA? Something isn’t adding up…”
“I was wait-listed for a few schools, but my name is in the hundreds…so I’m certain it’s not going to happen.”
Profound sadness came over her face. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. She covered her mouth for a second before she lowered her hand. Then she came to me and buried her face in my chest. “I’m so sorry…”
I held her close to me. “Baby, it’s okay. I’ll apply again next year.”
“But you worked so hard…I know this is your dream. It’s what you were born to do.”
I took a deep breath and continued to hold her. “Sometimes things don’t work out the way you thought.” Having her in my arms reminded me I made the right decision. I could deal with letting my dream go. But I couldn’t let her go. “It’ll be alright.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ll work in a lab and apply again next year.” I kept my voice light and positive. “It’s really not a big deal.”
“I just…I feel terrible. I was so insensitive. I just assumed you were going to New York…”
“You weren’t being insensitive,” I whispered. “Don’t blame yourself.”
She pulled away from my chest and looked at me with remorseful eyes. “This isn’t fair. You don’t deserve this.”
I cupped her face, staring at her perfect features. “But I deserve this. And that’s enough for me.” I kissed her gently, loving the fact that I’d be doing it for the rest of my life. As long as I focused on that, I would be okay.
“Did she buy it?” Slade asked as he dribbled the ball.
I nodded. “Yeah, she did.”
“You okay, man?” He held the ball for a second while he stared at me.
“I will be—in time.”
“It’s not too late to change your mind.”
“No, I made the right decision. I don’t have any regrets.”
He dribbled the ball then made the shot. “Everything will be okay. Just be patient. You’ll apply again next year and get in. You’ll only be a year behind.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“So, you’ll get to keep Skye and your dream—at the same time.” He passed me the ball. “Just stay positive.”
“That’s what I have you for.” I dribbled the ball then made the shot.
“I just can’t believe she actually believed you. Geez, she’s dumb.”
I glared at him. “No, she isn’t. She just knows I would never lie to her so she doesn’t question what I say.”
“Sounds like you brainwashed her…”
I grabbed the ball then passed it to him with more force than I usually would.
He caught it. “Someone’s fired up.”
“Don’t call my girl stupid.”
“Well, she is.”
“What if I said Trinity was stupid?” I challenged.
“She is,” he said immediately. “I tell her every day.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Speaking of the woman I love, guess who showed up on her doorstep last week.”
“The Easter bunny.”
He gave me a glare then moved on. “That asshole, Reid.”
“You mean, that nice guy that went out with her a few times?”
“Asshole,” he corrected.
“What did he want?”
“To see if she was okay. I guess he found out about the accident recently.”
“Wow…he really is an asshole,” I said sarcastically.
“Well, she’s mine now. He has no business talking to her anymore.”
I made another shot then fetched the ball. “It sounded like he just wanted to check on her, not start things up again.”
“You weren’t there,” he hissed. “He was eye-fucking her the whole time.”
“Are you sure he wasn’t just checking her leg?”
Slade clenched his jaw then ignored my last comment. “What do you know?”
I let him brood in silence while we finished the game. When we were both tired, and I won, we headed home. Slade was still annoyed by my comment but I didn’t try to make amends. He was too possessive of Trinity sometimes. I admit there were times when I saw Skye talking to other guys, but I always kept my distance and tried not to get jealous. It was something I had to practice every day.
When I got to my apartment, my phone rang.
It was my dad.
“Hey, old man.”
“Hey, Cayson. How goes it?”
“Fine,” I said. “Just got back from playing basketball with Slade.”
“Cool. You kids have fun?”
“We aren’t kids anymore, Dad.”
“Just answer my question.”
“Yeah, it was cool,” I said. “Any reason why you’re calling?”
“Well, graduation is just around the corner…and you haven’t filled me in on what’s next for you.”
I knew what he was really asking. “Dad, I’m not going to medical school next year.”
“What? Why?” he demanded.
“I didn’t get in anywhere.” It was hard lying to Skye but I could do it because I was protecting our relationship. But lying to my dad like this felt horrible.
“I thought you said you got into Idaho?”
“Well, I did. But I’m on the wait list.”
“What number?” he asked.
“Uh…two hundred and twenty-nine.” Was that even believable?
He was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure that’s right? I just find it hard to believe you have nowhere to attend next year.”
“Sorry, Dad. It’s the truth.”
“What about Stanford? Did they reject you too?”
“Yes,” I said as I cringed.
He sighed into the phone. “I just can’t believe it…”
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“Cayson, don’t apologize. I’m not disappointed in you. I’m just…shocked. What are the odds a Harvard graduate would be rejected from a school in Idaho?” He was incredulous. “I guess I can believe Stanford but…the others…not so much.”
I didn’t know what else to say so I stayed silent.
“Well, then what’s your plan?”
“I’ll find a job in the city then I’ll apply again next year.”
He sighed. “I’m so sorry, kid. I wish I were there to make you feel better…”
Kill me now. “Dad, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“I know it’s been your dream since you were little. I remember when you used to play with a plastic stethoscope and listen to my heartbeat when you were five. It’s like it just happened yesterday…”
Was he trying to torture me? “Dad, I’ll apply again next year. It’s not the end of the world.”
“I know it isn’t,” he said firmly. “I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve achieved. Your mother and I brag about you to total strangers. I just hate knowing you’re in pain over this…”
“I’m really not. Seriously, don’t stress about it.”
“Well, you’re welcome to live with us until you get back on your feet. Your mother and I would love to have you. Actually, we might not let you leave.” He laughed at the end.
“I appreciate the offer but I’ll find an apartment somewhere.”
“Alright, kid. The offer is always on the table.”
“I know. I should get going, Dad.” I couldn’t stand to talk to him for a moment longer.
“Okay
. I love you, son—no matter what.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
“Bye.”
I hung up, unable to listen to his sadness a moment longer.
78
Slade
Keeping Cayson’s secret was hard. I never understood how difficult it was to keep information to yourself when you gave your heart to someone else. I just wanted to break down and tell her what was going on. But I knew Trinity. If it affected her best friend, she would betray me and tell her in a heartbeat. And I couldn’t betray my best friend.
So I said nothing.
We were lying in bed, our bodies tangled together. I was reading while she rested on my chest, her fingers moving across my chest and stomach. It was a nighttime ritual we had, snuggling before bed. We usually had sex before we read, and again right before we went to sleep.
I turned the page and kept reading, my hand digging into the soft strands of her hair.
“Slade?”
“Baby?” I kept reading.
She sat up then closed my book. “Can we talk?”
I froze. Those words were never good to hear from a partner. It was bad, really bad. “Okay…”
She stared at my chest while she tried to find the right words. “We’re graduating soon and I was just wondering…what does that mean for us?” When she finished speaking, she looked me in the eye, watching my reaction.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, you always said you wanted to travel the world and play music. You said you were never meant to stay in one spot. Now that you’re done with your education, you’re free. So…is that something you still want to do?”
Yes. It was.
But I could never say that to her. Saying goodbye to that dream was heartbreaking. A younger version of myself would scream if he knew what decision I was making. I was throwing my life away, settling for one woman in one city. I’d be missing so many experiences that would change my life. All I would ever know from this point forward was the brutal truth of monogamy and all its vices.
But I couldn’t leave her.
“No.” I cupped her face, feeling her soft cheek.
“It’s not?” she asked hesitantly.
“I want to be with you.” I meant what I said. But I still wanted to leave. It was a disconcerting feeling, to want to do two things at once. They would never coincide. I could never have both, although I wish I could. But if I chose to leave, Trinity and I would be done forever. She would never forgive me or take me back.
Her hand moved over mine and her eyes fluttered with developing tears. “So…you aren’t scared anymore?”
“Of what? Us?”
“I just…I want to get married and have kids… I’ll always want that.”
I couldn’t give that to her right now. I almost had a panic attack just thinking about it. “I’m not ready for that…but I’m working on it.”
“But you’ll try?”
“Of course, Trinity.”
She kissed the skin over my heart. “My father told me you would leave me, that you would walk away and never look back.”
The words made a hole in my heart.
“But I said you wouldn’t go, that you would never do that to me. And I knew I was right.” Tears formed in her eyes and fell.
I caught them with the pads of my thumb and brushed the moisture away. “I can’t imagine my life without you and I never want to.”
“I’m so glad that accident happened…you wouldn’t have realized you loved me…”
“No, you got it wrong, baby.” I kissed the corners of her eyes. “I knew I loved you. I’d known it for a while. I just didn’t have the guts to admit it. But when I almost lost you, I didn’t care. I just blurted it out, needing you to know how I felt. So no, I’m not glad that accident happened. And I never want to hear you say that again.”
Her eyes softened and she took a deep breath.
Sometimes I wondered what my life would be like if I left her, if I pursued my dream. But when I stared at her falling tears, I didn’t want to know. How could anything be more meaningful than what we had together? She was the first girl who loved me for me. She looked past the rough exterior I projected and saw what was underneath. She loved me every day, no matter how bad things got, and she loved me still. “I will try to give you a happily ever after. But it’s too soon right now.”
“I know, I know,” she said. “I didn’t mean now. I just meant ever.”
“I can do ever.” I rubbed my nose against hers. “But let’s enjoy the ride for now.”
“Okay.” She moved into my side and snuggled close to me.
I held her in my arms and listened to her breathe. When her breaths came out quiet and shallow, I knew she was asleep. But I was restless and awake. I stared at the opposite wall, my thoughts unfocused and unclear.
79
Skye
“I feel so bad for Cayson.” I pushed my textbook away, unable to study for another minute. My brain was about to explode. Finals were the worst time of year. It was impossible to regurgitate an entire semester onto one test.
Trinity sighed in sadness. “I know…”
“I’ve been giving him so much sex to make him feel better but the effects wear off quickly.”
“You must not be very good, then,” Trinity said with a laugh.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Why are you in such a good mood?”
She shrugged. “Slade…”
“What did he do now?”
“I asked him if there was a future for us after college. He said yes.”
“Why are you surprised?” Slade wasn’t boyfriend material, but he did a good job with Trinity. He preserved his personality and mannerism around others, but he was still sweet and attentive to Trinity at the same time.
“I guess I was afraid he would take off. He’s always wanted to grab a backpack and hike through Europe, his guitar and phone his only comforts.”
“Why can’t he still do that?” I asked. “But with you?”
She shook her head. “I think the whole purpose of that is to be free, not to be attached to anyone or anything.”
People always had dreams that never came to fruition, but most of the time, they didn’t regret not doing them. Slade was no different. “I’m sure he understands he’s getting a lifetime of happiness with you, which is why he has no interest in leaving.”
“I think so…” She kept smiling.
I wanted to be happy but I kept thinking about Cayson. “I just can’t believe he didn’t get in anywhere. So weird.”
She shook her head. “I almost don’t believe it. Isn’t he graduating at the top of his class?”
Cayson was literally a genius. I thought I was smart but he put me to shame. He understood almost everything. He could even fix a car engine because he had such a strong understanding of physics. I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t awkward and weird like most smart people. He was a very rare breed. “I don’t get it either…maybe his personal statement was horrible or something.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad…”
It was a mystery.
“Are you cheering him up?” she asked.
“I’ve been making him his favorite dinners, renting movies he wants to watch, and being sweeter than normal to him every single day. I even played basketball with him the other day.”
“Geez, your chest must hurt.”
“Like you wouldn’t believe…two sports bras still didn’t help.”
She laughed. “Well, at least your rack must be cheering him up.”
“I don’t know if that would help…I know how much he wanted this. He said he would apply next year but…I can tell he’s depressed. It’s in his eyes every second of the day. He tries to be optimistic around everyone else, but I can see it when we’re alone together.”
“Poor Cayson…” She sighed. “But I’m sure he can find a job in the city making bank.”
“He doesn’t care about that,” I said immediately.
“He’s wanted to be a doctor since I can remember, and it’s to help people, not make the numbers in his bank account increase, which is unlike most MD candidates.”
“If it’s meant to happen, it will,” Trinity encouraged. “At least he’ll have a lot of free time for you.”
“Like I’ll have any,” I said with a laugh. “I’m about to be a CEO.”
“Nervous?” she asked.
“Duh.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’ll be fine.”
“I’m going to be running a place that required both of our dads to run together. I’m handling a lot on my plate.”
“Well, they are both idiots so that doesn’t mean much.” She gave me a reassuring smile. “Skye, you’re one of the smartest and strongest women I know. You’re going to kick ass. Just wait for it.” She patted my hand. “And Cayson can come by your office and help you…relax…whenever you’re stressed.”
I laughed. “I guess that’s something to look forward to.”
“Slade can do the same for me.” Her eyes grew misty thinking of him.
“So, you think he’ll do the marriage and kids package?”
“He said not right now…but I know he will. He’s changed so much in the course of months. He needs more time and that’s fine. We haven’t been together long anyway.”
“I’m sure he will.” I didn’t know Slade the way she did so I had to take her word for it.
“There’s a party at the frat house for graduation. Are you going?”
I hadn’t been partying much since Cayson and I got together. Most of the time, I preferred watching a movie on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in my lap. I usually ate most of it, only letting him get a few bites. “I guess. It could be fun.”
“Cool,” she said. “I haven’t done anything fun in a long time.”
“Does Slade know this?” I asked.
“No, but I don’t see why he would care. He can come if he wants.”
Slade was a lot more protective than she gave him credit for. Cayson was too. “Well, I’m down.”