by Ivy Black
“The only way to be sure everybody comes home is if you don’t fight,” she says.
“But the fight’s coming one way or the other and we’re the only thing standing between Zavala and Blue Rock,” I tell her. “If we don’t fight to save this town, who will? Who’s able to?”
“I just worry about you.”
“I know you do. And I wish I could take all the worry away from you. But all I can do is be honest and tell you that I will do everything in my power to come back to you,” I tell her. I swallow hard then add quietly, “I love you, Bellamy. Always have. And I will always do my very best to come back to you.”
Her expression is one of complete and utter shock, and she looks like I just slapped her across the face. It makes my heart fall into my stomach because it’s not the expression of somebody who was neither expecting me to say that nor entirely welcoming of it. My throat suddenly grows dry as I watch her eyes shimmer with tears and her cheeks grow red. But she says nothing, making my gut clench so hard it makes me feel sick.
Fucking hell, what have I just done?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Bellamy
I remember one time when I was younger, I got hit in the stomach with a softball bat. It was a total accident and I probably should have been paying attention to where I was going, but I distinctly recall the feeling of that bat smashing into my belly. It made me see stars, drove the air right out of my lungs and I honestly felt like something exploded inside of me.
Hearing Derek say he loved me feels a lot like that.
Trembling wildly from head to toe, I try to clear my mind and replay what he just said again in my mind, sure I’d heard him wrong. I had to have heard him wrong. There’s no other possible explanation. I mean, there’s no way Derek would have said that he loved me.
As I look into his eyes, I see something like panic creeping into his expression. It takes me aback for a moment until I realize that it’s because I’ve fallen completely silent. He was obviously expecting me to say something—like maybe I loved him, too. Instead, I said nothing, and now he’s freaking out. Which tells me that I hadn’t heard him incorrectly. He said he loved me. He actually said he loved me. And judging by the look on his face right now, he meant it.
The realization sends waves of disbelief and awe washing over me. And fear. There’s plenty of fear to go along with it. I don’t know what it is I’m afraid of exactly, but I am all the same. Maybe it’s because things now suddenly seem so real. Those three little words have the power to turn something abstract into something concrete. And when things like feelings become concrete, when they become real, people can get hurt.
I know how I feel about Derek. It’s powerful, it’s visceral, and the emotions he inspires in me are unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. But I didn’t think we were at the point where we were ready to use those three words. I certainly wasn’t ready to use them yet because those three words change everything. They have the power to create and build something beautiful. But they also have the power to reduce things to a pile of flaming rubble in the blink of an eye.
I do love him. I know that deep down in my bones. But I’m afraid to give myself over to those feelings just yet. There’s still so much that’s unsettled in my mind about his lifestyle, his club, and this war with the cartel, apparently. I’ve always been a pretty straight arrow all my life, and I really haven’t stopped to give a lot of thought to how I feel about what Derek and his club are into.
I mean, like I told him, the fact that they deal pot isn’t a big deal to me. They’re hardly alone or unique in that. But roughing people up and running them out of town? I’m conflicted about that, only because I know they do it for a good reason—to keep this town safe and clean. But I’ve never been a big fan of violence, personally. I always believe there are better ways to achieve your goals than by resorting to violence and hurting people.
And now this deal with the cartel. I believe him when he says that he and his club aren’t involved with the cartel and that it’s only bad luck that there is this war brewing between them. But the thought that they all went out and essentially executed a bunch of these cartel soldiers… I don’t know how to feel about that.
I mean, I believe him when he says it was in defense of themselves and this town. But I’m so anti-violence that I’m having problems even with that reasoning. The fact that they killed seven men… It’s something I’m having trouble coming to grips with. They’re all soldiers and this is apparently a war. I get that. But that doesn’t make it any less of a bitter pill to swallow.
At least I was wrong about one thing. He didn’t sound weird on the phone this morning because he was going to end things between us. He was stressed about what happened at that cabin… and probably stressed even more about telling me what happened out there, knowing how I feel about violence.
“You don’t have to say it back. In fact, don’t say it. Not until you really mean it,” he says, finally breaking the silence between us. “I just… I wanted you to know where I was at. I thought it was important for you to know how I feel about you.”
My emotions are a jumbled mess right now and I can’t seem to grasp a single coherent thought. It feels like so much has been thrown at me that I wasn’t ready to deal with tonight, and I’m having trouble keeping up with it all. For sure, there are a great many things that scare me. Things that give me pause. But there is so much more inside that maelstrom.
But through the chaos swirling around inside of me, I can definitely pick out one thing… just how much I care for Derek. It’s like a beacon of light in the darkness. He makes me feel safe. Happy. He makes me feel secure. He feels like… home. It’s a strange feeling, but it’s the truth. I’ve never felt so comfortable or happy around anybody before. And though I may not be able to express how I feel with words, I can still show him.
I stand up and walk over to him, my eyes fixed on his. He watches me with a curious expression on his face, not sure what I’m doing. But when I sit down in his lap, straddling him, and then kiss him deeply, I think he gets the idea. Derek kisses me back with such an intensity it makes me gasp. He grips my hair and pulls my head back, planting a line of gentle kisses down my neck that sends goosebumps crawling across my skin.
I lower my head and look into his eyes, cradling his face in my hands as I grind myself against him, feeling him lengthen and thicken beneath me. I bite my bottom lip as I shudder, my body quickly warming up. Derek kisses me again, sliding his hands up my thighs. And when his fingertips trail up my legs, I groan softly. But then, he pulls back and looks at me, a gleam of surprise in his eyes and a small smile playing across his lips.
“You’re not wearing panties,” he says, his voice thick with desire.
I shrug as I get to my feet and then hike my dress up as I sit on the table in front of him, parting my thighs to give him a clear view of me.
“I did say I wanted to make you something special to eat,” I say in my best sultry tone.
“Who is this wanton sex goddess and what have you done with the good, conservative girl I knew for so long?
“She’s taking the night off.”
“That’s excellent news,” he replies.
Derek swallows hard but laughs softly, unable to take his eyes off of me. Surprisingly, though, he’s not looking at my intimate parts. He’s looking me in the eye and it’s impossible to miss the love shining brightly in his face. Not to mention the smoldering desire.
He surprises me when he leans forward and buries his face between my thighs. He parts my slick folds with his tongue, driving it deep into me. The sounds of pleasure coming from him are deep, rumbling things that make my most sensitive spots vibrate deliciously. He has me panting and writhing against his mouth, desperate for more, to which he obliges.
Derek cups my ass with his hands and pulls me toward him, plumbing my depths with his tongue. The feel of it sliding against my inner walls makes me cry out, though I stifle it to avoid waking my mother. Even t
hough her meds are powerful, and they always put her out like a light, I see no reason to take chances. Derek is most definitely not making it easy, though.
Reaching down, I grab a handful of his hair, pushing his face even harder into me, reveling in the feeling of his warm breath and wet tongue sliding in and around my molten core. He nips my clit, then takes it into his mouth, sucking hard on it as he drives two fingers deep into me. I’m pulling hard on his hair, my entire body trembling as the pressure inside of me is building toward an explosive peak.
And when he drives a third finger into me, he pushes me over that edge. My breath shudders as it bursts from my mouth, and my heart is pounding so hard I’m half afraid it’s going to burst from my chest. I’m writhing against his face and he keeps me pinned there, continuing to lick and suck on me, prolonging the currents of pleasure flowing wildly through me.
Eventually, he sits back, a wide and satisfied smile on his face. In the low lighting of the dining room, I see my juices glistening on his chin and cheeks. It’s a sight that only stokes the flames of desire inside of me even higher. I slip down off the table and pull Derek to his feet, quickly unbuckling his pants as I do. Pulling them down to his knees, I push him back down into the chair and turn around, then straddle him again.
Reaching down, I grab hold of his cock and smile at how thick and warm it is in my hand. I give it a couple of firm strokes, drawing a low, sultry moan from him. And then, still gripping him by the shaft, I lower myself down, nestling the tip of his staff between folds that are slick and hot. And as I slide myself down, taking his cock into me inch by inch, I clench my inner muscles, making my pussy even tighter. Derek presses his face into my neck, groaning and whispering my name.
When I’m seated on him and have him fully sheathed within me, I take a moment, relishing the sensation of having him fill me up so completely. It’s a feeling of sheer ecstasy that drives me half out of my mind. And as I start to roll my hips, riding him slowly at first, my body feels like it’s catching fire. Derek’s lips find my neck, and he gives me a gentle bite as I rise and fall on his cock, a salacious breath passing my lips.
As I pick up my pace, riding him a bit harder and faster, I bite my bottom lip as Derek wraps his hand around my throat. And as he squeezes firmly, I very nearly cum right then and there. I love it when he does that. He keeps the pressure on my throat as I feel his other hand slide between my thighs. And as he starts to rub my clit while I ride him, I lean my back against his chest, closing my eyes as I give myself over to the myriad sensations rocking me from head to toe.
Derek thrusts himself upward, plunging himself even deeper into me and I’m not fast enough to bite back the cry that bursts from my throat. He turns my head and presses his mouth to mine, swirling his tongue around mine. Our bodies move in a sinuous rhythm together. I’m moving up and down on his staff as he is arching his hips, sinking himself deep within me at just the right moment. It sends flares of pleasure through me that explode and burn brightly, the pressure he’s applying to my throat only heightening it.
I press my back against him even harder as if I were trying to push my body through his, then I start to shudder fiercely. As my orgasm crashes down over me, he takes his hand from between my thighs and clamps it against my mouth, muffling my cries. I squirm on his lap as I cum almost violently. My entire body feels like it’s seizing up and the rapture that’s gripping me has me lightheaded and dizzy.
My orgasm slowly fades, and as it does, I feel my strength going with it. I lie there, my back pressed to his chest, gasping for air, my skin feeling like it’s crackling with a strong current of electricity. I’m limp as a noodle and can honestly say I have never cum so hard in my life. I turn my face to his and kiss him gently, still savoring the feeling of him inside of me.
I give him a smile as I get to my feet, albeit shakily. It feels like I’m getting off a boat after weeks out at sea. My legs are like jelly and feel like they’re going to give out under me. But Derek is there to keep me standing and then he lifts me and sits me down on top of the table. I spread my legs for him then lock my ankles behind his waist as he steps forward.
His mouth crashes against mine and with one hard thrust, my gasp and moan lost in this throat as he buries his cock inside of me again. I lie back on the table as he holds onto my hips and thrusts his rigid staff deep into me. Putting the side of my hand, I bite down, trying to restrain my cries from growing too loud. But the way he slams himself into me, stretching me open and filling me up feels too good.
I turn my head and look into his eyes as he fucks me. The depth of emotion in his gaze nearly steals my breath. I can see that for him, this isn’t just casual sex. Maybe it’s not making love, but it’s definitely not just fucking. Not for him. And if I’m being honest, it isn’t for me, either. I don’t know what to call it, but the connection we have is only getting deeper and stronger. And not just because of the sex. It’s the current of emotion that’s flowing between us that’s thicker than the early morning fog that rolls in off the ocean.
Derek raises my legs, puts my feet on his shoulders, and wraps his arms around my thighs, giving himself leverage as he pounds his cock into me. The sound of our bodies crashing together fills the dining room and the wine glasses on the table are rattling, but we’re heedless of it. I bite the inside of my cheek, basking in the feeling of him driving himself into me with a primal ferocity that gets me wetter than I can ever remember being.
His face is red, his breathing is ragged, and I feel his cock swelling. He’s just about to the pinnacle, so I squeeze him with my inner muscles. He gasps and loses his rhythm for a moment, casting a lopsided grin at me as he tries to regain his momentum. He presses his fingers hard into my skin and his pace slows down as a husky groan spills from his lips.
“Cum for me, Derek,” I whisper. “Cum inside of me.”
As if he’d been waiting for my permission all along, I feel his cock twitch and then begin to throb. He lets out a low, rumbling growl as he pulses, and I feel the rush of warm, sticky wetness that comes shooting out of him. I gasp and feel my body tighten and tremble, and a moment later, a long, stuttering gasp escapes me as I cum while he fills me with his seed.
He pulls me to a sitting position and wraps his arms around me in a tender embrace. Derek kisses me passionately with all of the emotion he holds for me passing through his lips. It’s overwhelming, and in that moment, I’m sure that I can go the rest of my life without ever feeling as loved as he is making me feel right now. The feeling of being complete, of being whole, and of being indescribably happy descends and wraps me up tightly.
I lay my head against his chest and listen to the hard, steady beat of his heart. It fills me with a sense of comfort that’s foreign to me. As the bliss of the moment fades, the other thoughts come pouring back in—those dark, unpleasant thoughts. And it hits me, like really sinks in, that given what they’re up against and are involved in, I really could lose Derek. Forever. He could be killed and taken away from me.
The mere thought of it is enough to choke me with a sense of grief that’s profound. Maybe a grief that would be close to what I’m going to feel when I eventually lose my mom. But this feels different only because this is preventable. He doesn’t have to fight the cartel. He doesn’t have to put himself in a position where it’s “kill or be killed”. All he has to do is walk away from his club.
But the next thought that goes through my mind is how incredibly unfair it is for me to even think that. The qualities that keep him with his club during this war are among some of the qualities that make me attracted to him in the first place: courage, loyalty, honor, and compassion. I’d be lying if I said those were things that I didn’t admire him for. That I didn’t find attractive.
So, how can I punish him for exhibiting those qualities I find attractive in the first place? How can I say that I can’t be with him when he’s showing me that he is a good man with a good heart? That he’s a man who will stand up and protect those
who can’t? That he will fight the bad guys and the monsters for those unable to do so? That he will give of himself to those who have nothing?
That’d make me a very big hypocrite. But even knowing that, knowing what a hypocrite I’d be if I condemned him for those things about him that I love, I can’t help but want him to leave that life and that danger, anyway. The mere thought of anything happening to him is threatening to rip a hole in my heart I know could never be filled again. It’s a thought that turns my stomach.
It’s selfish, I know. Terribly selfish. But nobody ever said a woman in love was the most generous or rational person in the world to begin with.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Spyder
We’re all sitting around in the clubhouse, washing the road dust out of our mouths with a few beers and a lot of laughs. We’ve just successfully hit another Zavala shipment and destroyed all of the drugs they were shipping in. The thought is, if we make it too expensive for him to do business in Blue Rock, he’ll abandon the idea. That’s Prophet’s plan, anyway.
I’m sitting off to the side by myself, nursing my beer, lost in thought. It’s been a couple of weeks since I told Bellamy that I loved her. And she still hasn’t said it back. It’s been a confusing time, because we’ve seen each other almost every night since then. And my personal feeling is the bond between us has only gotten stronger. I feel like we’re growing even closer to each other with every day that passes. Personally, I feel closer to her than I’ve ever felt to anybody in my life.
But those words are still hanging out there in the ether. I’ve kicked my own ass a million different ways for even uttering them. But what I’d said was true… I didn’t ever want her to not know where I stood or how I felt about her. Especially now. With this war starting to get hot, if God forbid, something happens to me, I want her to know exactly what’s in my heart.