by A. P. Moraez
“I’m not following.”
Logan’s smile broadened. “You’re right that I’ve had a sheltered life, Ash. But with all that came a lot of fucking money, and I’m not gonna spare a single dollar to make sure all your family and our friends and specially you are all safe; from him and everyone else.”
Ash smiled. “I know that. I’m just scared that all the money in the world will eventually fail.” He shivered. “I’ve seen that man enraged and with vengeance in his mind, Logan. Several times, I’ve seen it, and I’ve never seen anyone come out on top when Leo decided their time had come.”
Fire invaded Logan’s sapphires right before he leaned down and pressed his lips against Ash’s for a quick, but firm kiss. Against his lips, he whispered, “He should be ready to have a taste of failure, then, because I’m not letting any fucker take you away from me. That’s a promise.”
Ash smiled against Logan’s lips as his lover wrapped him in his arms. Even though he couldn’t bring himself to relax or even believe one hundred percent in Logan’s words, it was nice to know that at least someone was managing to keep on being optimist. He could see how Logan’s power and influence would be a huge weapon against Leo’s wrath. If not a weapon, at least a damned good shield. Still, every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Morgan’s corpse hanging from that bridge, eye sockets empty, right over the message written with the very blood gushing out from them.
Ash bit the inside of his cheek and shook himself out of it. He retreated from Logan’s embrace and took him by his good hand. “Come on, let’s get rid of all this blood.”
Logan followed him in silence. The bathroom lights flared to life automatically as they entered.
Ash left Logan next to one of the two sinks and went to the shower box at the corner. He turned the faucet and quickly leaned back so the water of the several heads didn’t hit him. A smile formed on his lips. Ash still marveled at how fancy Logan’s shower was. The first time he’d used it, he’d been afraid he’d drown with all the water coming from all different directions.
When the water was just warm enough, the way Logan liked, Ash shook his hand to get rid of the droplets of water and turned to Logan with a smile.
“All done,” he said, already moving past him so that he could go back downstairs and see if the others had managed to make something to eat. God only knew how Logan’s modern kitchen could be intimidating to a first-time user. He was skeptical about Martha’s and Grace’s ability to find their way around there, even though they had decades of cooking under their belts. “I’ll be downstairs helping with lunch. You should start feeling sleepy at some point in the next few minutes because of the painkillers. If you feel like taking a nap, I’ll make sure to save a plate for you to eat later.”
Logan’s warm hand grabbed him firmly by the forearm as soon as he hit the bathroom door. Ash looked at him, confused.
For just a moment, Logan gazed at him as he slowly turned Ash’s front toward his body, eyes searching, breathing evenly. Ash barely registered Logan’s hand fastening firmly on his waist before their lips connected.
Logan’s beard prickled Ash’s face as he closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of their tongues touching gingerly. This was not a hot, demanding kiss. It was a hello kiss. A kiss that said, hey, we’re good, and it sent shivers running down Ash’s spine.
It was over as soon as it started, and he opened his eyes slowly to find himself under sapphire lights.
“Come with me,” Logan said against his lips, and how in the world could Ash possibly deny a request made with such vulnerability?
Ash undressed first, never letting his eyes roam away from the man before him, whose eyes sparkled more and more with each piece Ash flung to the glistening white marble floor. Ash enjoyed the attention as he finally got rid of his underwear and Logan’s eyes unashamedly glided down, then back to his eyes.
Ash crossed the distance between them. When he got to Logan, he leaned up on tiptoes and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, then rested down on his feet again. Logan was quiet, but it was a good quiet this time. He was giving Ash the sweetest smile and his eyes seemed to be less… heavy than in any moment today. Could eyes really be that? Heavy? He didn’t know for sure, but there’d been moments today when he was certain he’d felt the weight behind Logan’s irises, and it had scared him. It had scared him to think the weight would take Logan away from him, somehow.
Trying not to get down that particular rabbit hole again, Ash helped Logan out of his sweater, taking extreme care not to brush against his damaged hand. The long-sleeved Henley came off with a little more difficulty, since Logan liked the things tight, hugging his every muscle. When Ash finally managed to pop it off of Logan’s head, his hair had become a mess and his face was slightly flushed.
Logan was grinning at him like a fool, and it made Ash mimic him.
Grin morphed to contented smile as he lost himself in Logan’s eyes for a second, then brought his hands to his pants. Ash made quick work of the belt and tugged the jeans and underwear off.
They were both only sporting semis; probably the events of the day still running around both their heads still too fresh and worrisome to give way to the downstairs heads to really get too animated.
Ash pressed a kiss to Logan’s smooth right pec and said, “C’mon, you know I hate wasting water.”
Ash took Logan by the hand and started toward the shower.
The water was warm, but not peel-the-skin-out-of-you warm, like Logan liked, and the man instantly closed his eyes and seemed to instantaneously relax as soon as the water started hitting him from all angles. Ash stood there, in front of him, admiring the strong column of Logan’s neck, glistening with the flowing water that highlighted the contours of the thick veins running from jaw to the base of his neck. Logan’s pink lips were slightly opened, his shoulders going gently up and down with each new deep breath he took, seeming to be trying to calm himself.
It’d never get old to him… how stupidly handsome Logan was. Beautiful, really, with all his bulging muscles and veins that seemed to have minds of their own under his pale, smooth skin. The tattoo right over his heart, now that Ash knew what it meant, only made him even more beautiful, as well as the fact that he wouldn’t take the silver pinecone necklace Ash’d given him barely a month ago even to take his showers.
Ash grabbed the bottle of shower gel and the loofah, squeezed some of the gel into the cloth, and pressed it against Logan’s chest. Logan opened his eyes, then, and watched.
He watched as Ash gently rubbed his whole chest area and torso, lathered his armpits and rinsed them for him. Every time Ash looked back at his eyes, to make sure he was okay, Logan’s lips gifted him with a little arch. Ash’d smile back and resume.
When he got to Logan’s recently stitched hand, he made sure to scrub all the remnants of dried blood away. Logan gasped when a bit of lather ran over the cut, but otherwise didn’t complain. Ash went about it as quickly as possible. When he finished, he brought Logan’s hand to his lips and bathed it in kisses, finishing with a light one on the inside of his veiny wrist.
He moved then, leaving another gentle kiss on Logan’s bicep, the furthest he could reach without having to stand on tiptoes, and started on his back. Logan’s wide, muscular shoulders were soon covered in white lather, pinking a bit under Ash’s obstinate scrubbing. When he finished, he stood on his tiptoes for just a second and pressed a kiss to the back of Logan’s neck. The way Logan shivered didn’t escape him.
Gently, he lathered Logan’s firm glutes and thighs, and even though he marveled, again, at how smooth and solid they were, there was little to nothing sexual about it. This wasn’t about sex, even though it was about pleasure. It was just about getting to care for him. Getting to pay him back, even through these small gestures, for being accepting of him; of his past. Of his secrets.
When he finished, Ash pressed a kiss that lasted for maybe a few more seconds than necessary to one of the dimples right abo
ve Logan’s behind, then stood up.
“You’re all done,” Ash announced. “You should probably get to bed. The painkillers should start taking effect soon. A nap will do you good.”
Logan’s eyes were glinting back at him, lips pressed together tight.
Logan shook his head and took the bottle and loofah out of Ash’s hands. Then his hands were on Ash, scrubbing and massaging his whole chest, and it felt so good he wanted to cry.
“Logan,” he tried, “I can do this on my own. You’re hurt. Just go to b—”
“Shh.”
Logan just ignored him and turned him around, warm hands roaming first his shoulders, then gliding to the middle of his back and landing on his behind. For the first time in what felt like ages, Logan didn’t even tease his hole; didn’t try to go for a quick rubbing fun. He was just… he was just doing exactly what Ash had done for him: taking care of him; cherishing him.
And Ash just couldn’t take it, because he sure as hell didn’t deserve this guy.
The whimper left his mouth, like a traitor, before Ash could do anything about it. At least the shower would mask the tears escaping him.
It was just too much.
When he woke up this morning, decided that he just couldn’t let that monster get to his family and friends — to the love of his life — Ash’d known he could be putting himself in a situation where he could end up paying a heavy price for wanting to keep everyone safe.
The overwhelming acceptance and understanding had been the furthest thing from his mind.
Even now, after the warmth everyone had decided to accept him with had somewhat settled on his mind and heart as an unbreakable truth, something still felt raw. Raw and wrong and broken. Because nothing could rid his mind of the thought that he didn’t deserve it. Nothing could shake off the feeling that maybe he should just find a way to go to Leonardo Lazarus and end this between only the two of them. Nothing could convince himself that he wasn’t, at least a little bit, as much of a monster as the man which was now hanging like a dark cloud above him and the ones he loved.
“Hey,” Logan’s hushed voice came to him through the darkness. He’d closed his eyes against the painful thoughts and had been squeezing them with all his might without even noticing it. Shaking. He was shaking. “Ash, love, what happened? Did I do something wrong?”
His face was pressed against Logan’s chest, which now smelled woodsier and more divine than before. Logan’s heartbeat was strong against his ear.
“Talk to me, baby. I’m here for you. Is it withdrawal still?”
Ash only managed to shake his head against Logan’s chest. Logan’s arms were wrapped around him, squeezing him lightly, and it felt like pure bliss. Still, he trembled, because the fear and shock of the whole day was, once again, knocking him down.
With strain, he brought his tearful eyes up. Logan’s gaze was drowning in concern and empathy, and it melted him even more.
“How can you forgive me?” Ash sobbed. “How can you be so calm and cool and understanding?” Frustrated, he punched Logan’s chest. It wasn’t a strong punch. Logan was holding him too close for him to have any kind of room to hit him hard. And he didn’t want to. It was just a reflex of the turmoil going on inside his head. “How can you just not be afraid of me? I’m a monster, Logan.” Ash’s breath was coming heavily. He was suffocating under this weight that simply refused to go away.
“Ash, hey, d—”
“I’m a monster, Logan,” he repeated, control lost. “I’m worse than him. I’m a monster. I’m a monster. I’m a monst—”
“STOP IT!”
Logan’s yelled words echoed on the wall of the immense bathroom. It startled Ash so much that he stopped breathing. He even stopped crying.
Logan fastened a hand around his neck and brought their gazes together. It wasn’t hurting him, just demanding attention. Ash’s next breath came out as a shuddery gasp.
“You’re never gonna say any of that shit about yourself again,” Logan growled at his face, eyes burning with rage and… and pain too. “Understand?”
How could he be like this? How could he just understand and not question? How could he not already be a thousand miles away, running from the prospect of having to share a bed with him again?
“ASH! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?” Logan bellowed right before his mouth.
Ash started to nod frantically, shocked.
Logan hugged him for dear life, then, head resting on Ash’s shoulder as his marble-like arms pressed him against his warm chest.
And Ash was hugging him too. At some point Logan had turned the faucets off, so they were naked and wet, but starting to get cold. But Ash’s tremors weren’t cold-related. Not at all.
Logan started pressing wet, sloppy kissed all over the left side of his jaw and throat, going back up to his temple. “You’re not a monster, Ash. You were a kid. You were abused by a psychopath who took all your choices away from you. There’s nothing to forgive. Understand?”
Ash nodded. Of course his words made sense. Deep down, he knew Logan was right. It was just hard because… because it felt totally wrong to share what he had shared with them today, to expose everything he’d always feared would send all of them running from him, and not be immediately punished for it. This was not how life worked. Not for him. Life was shit. It never gave him a break and his past always came knocking at the door. Nothing lasted. Nothing stuck. Nothing was ever real. Everyone left and he was always alone. Why would it be any different now? Why was everyone being so goddamned nice? Why—
“Ash!”
Startled, he leaned back from their hug and looked Logan in the eyes. Logan had a hand cupping the side of his neck, sending warmth through him.
“Stop. Thinking,” Logan said. “Stop thinking, okay? It’s all bullshit, Ash. It’s all in your head, okay?” Logan pressed a kiss onto his forehead, then went back to gazing into his eyes. “It’s all bullshit, alright? Stop thinking.”
Ash nodded, exhausted.
Logan pressed another prickly kiss onto his temple and hugged him firmly. Ash’s head was slotted under Logan’s chin, and he took the opportunity to just breathe Logan’s scent in.
If he knew… if he knew how the simplest of things, like being near him, hearing his voice, smelling his Logan smell… how they made all the shit in his head clearer. How they helped him breathe better; be better.
“I was just so… so afraid,” Ash confessed, whispers against pale skin. “I was so afraid this morning.” He wrapped as much as he could of Logan in his arms and squeezed as if his life depended on it. “All I could think about was that you’d hear my… my secrets and that was it. You’d be gone and I’d lose my best friend all over again and you’d be gone, Logan. I was so afraid, so afr—”
“Shh.” Logan squeezed him right back, saying against his ear, “When are you gonna learn, you dumb little shit? There’s no force strong enough on this Earth that’ll ever take you away from me again. Not one.”
Ash pressed a kiss to his neck, just wanting to be as close to him as possible.
“You were just so quiet. I thought you were gonna split at any second and I’d have to run after you and beg you to just not… not leave me behind.”
Logan’s chest rumbled. It freaking rumbled, pretty much like a big cat.
“I was quiet because I was angry. But not at you. It’s just…” He let out a heavy exhale. “Every time you mentioned one more thing that sick fuck did to you… all I wanted do was get off that fucking couch and go out and take this whole state apart until I found him and smashed his head in.”
Logan broke their hug and grabbed Ash’s face with both hands.
“He’s going to pay,” Logan said against his lips. “I swear to you. By all that I am and all that I believe in, he’s going to pay for what he did to you. Before he dies, he’s going to know pain like he never did before. I don’t know how, or when, but he’s gonna regret ever laying a finger on you or any other kid, that I promise you.”
>
Ash’s heart was about to stop; it was going so fast. He’d never seen such fire amidst so much blue. This was a side of Logan he’d always feared… his volatile temperament, his penchant for violence. But now? Now it comforted him. Because Logan’s conviction made him stronger too. It made him start to believe that maybe, just maybe, they could get out of this hell together and breathing; alive.
Ash was still coated in that feeling when, moments later, without even bothering to dress, they curled up in bed. The last thing he sensed before the exhaustion of the day carried him to slumber was Logan’s strong body warming his back.
THE FAINT SOUND of laughter pulled Ash from the dreamless sleep. Logan’s warmth was no longer there, and Ash instantly missed it. Groggily, he turned and grabbed Logan’s pillow, then he stuffed his face in it.
Bliss.
Nothing would ever smell better than Logan’s hair.
Laughter, muffled by the thick all around him, came from downstairs again. It was Trav and some of the men. It warmed his heart that not everything had to be so bleak and nerve-wrecking; that a little boy could still find fun and laughter in the middle of all this mess. Granted, his godson had been shielded from the thick of it, but surely he’d gotten wisps here and there. Trav was a smart, observant boy. It’d take more than sending him away to play video games to distract him from the situation they were in.
Even then, the sound of his laughter made Ash himself involuntarily chuckle against the soft pillow.
His stomach rumbled, and only then did Ash realize how hungry he was. Breakfast had been a long time ago and, on top of it, he hadn’t really eaten to begin with, too anxious about what was about to go down once everyone was gathered here at the house.
For a moment, he was tempted to ignore the whims of his belly and just fall back to sleep, cocooned in their bed both by the softness of the duvet and the Logan’s delicious smell. But then his stomach complained again.