by Jerry Cole
“You like him, at least a little.”
“I don’t know about all of that.”
“Then go and find out. He already told you that he likes you. It’s a sure thing, no risk of rejection.”
“I…” I couldn’t argue with that logic. Whether I liked him or not, there was only one way to find out and that was to face him.
“He’s been on your mind every day, all day since the last time you spoke. You like him, you just need to be brave enough to admit it to yourself. Remember what your mother told you.”
“Always tell the truth, especially to yourself.”
I looked in the mirror at my reflection. When I closed my eyes, sometimes I could still remember her face. I remember that she had curly, dark hair, like mine. But her eyes were a soft, liquid amber and mine were a stark green. I was only nine when she passed, not yet old enough for us to have had some of the more important conversations about life that every kid ought to have, but she still left me with some gems.
Tell the truth, always. Build the world you want your grandkids to live in. Always wash your hands, face, pits, and feet.
Words to live by.
So, I decided to be brave and show up at his door, with a complimentary “don’t hate me because I was being an idiot” dog toy in hand. Before I could knock, he threw open the door and called my name. I swear it was the best sound I’d heard all week.
I don’t know what overcame me, but I threw my arms around him and hugged him. I didn’t think about it. I knew this was a dangerous move. I promised myself that I wouldn’t step foot into his house. I told myself I would just hold his hand if he needed it, but I wouldn’t throw myself at him. I was going to play it cool.
“I missed you.” The words just tumbled out on their own. I was hesitant, not sure if I’d crossed a line or not, but at least I was honest.
“I missed you, too.”
“I’m glad that you decided to do this.”
“Me too.” He hugged me tighter and I thought to myself, if being with Josh felt like this then I wanted to be with him forever. Shaolin came over to greet Friendly who was obviously happy to see him but was on duty so she couldn’t leave my side. We were a tangle of legs and arms and tails and warmth and I thought this must be what if felt like to return home.
“And thank you for asking me to go with you.”
“I couldn’t think of anybody else; it had to be you.”
He kicked the door closed behind me and I jumped at the sound but he just held on to me a little tighter and stroked my hair.
“When I was nine my mom died. I found out later that my father was in jail doing a life sentence. Her family was...not a possibility. So, I ended up in foster care. The first couple of months were okay. I was with the Evans, and they were nice but sort of cold. Their house wasn’t really like a home. It was more like a depot where kids waited until they were moved to their next destination. Then I ended up with the Logans. They were warm and they had a great house in a great neighborhood with great schools.”
“Sounds great,” he chuckled.
“It does, doesn’t it. They’d been fostering kids for years. They just knew what you needed; you know? If you needed to be left alone or if you needed to talk...they just knew.”
“I bet you wished they would adopt you,” he said, still stroking my hair the way I’d seen so many older brothers do for younger brothers. I pressed my ear to his chest and took a deep breath.
“Ma Logan had a game called Nerves. She would touch different parts of your body and if you felt nervous or ticklish you lost a point. Somebody once told me that it was a game that some therapists use to determine if kids have a history of abuse. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I guess it could be. Social workers aren’t always at liberty to tell foster parents everything that’s in a kid’s file. But then Pa Logan liked to play too. And then I started losing more often.”
I felt Josh’s body stiffen in my arms.
“You don’t have to tell me any more.”
“I want to tell you that it took a long time before I was brave enough to tell anybody that my great family, in the great house in a great neighborhood was doing things that hurt me. I never had a bruise. I was never late to school. I always dressed well, smelled nice, had plenty to eat. Nobody believed me at first. Sometimes foster kids lie. Sometimes it’s their way of trying to manipulate a system that’s stacked against them. Everybody thinks we’re damaged goods anyway, so it’s not inconceivable that a kid would cry wolf to get back at a foster family that they didn’t like for whatever reason.”
“You’re not damaged.”
I scoffed. Neither one of us believed that.
“I’m just saying that I understand how hard this is going to be for you. I had to tell people over and over again, in detail, what happened to me. I had to draw pictures and…” I could feel the trauma of those moments as if it were just yesterday and not more than a decade ago.
“You don’t have to explain. I get it. If you can do it, so can I. If you can face it, all alone, I can face it with you holding my hand. I get it, Ian. You don’t have to say another word.”
I shut my eyes and focused on my breathing. I let the warmth of Josh’s hug seep into my skin and gave myself permission to enjoy the feeling of Josh’s fingers in my hair. It had been so long since I’d been hugged by anybody, I felt like my cells had been starving. The contact both terrified and exhilarated me. I didn’t want to leave his embrace for any reason and yet I was afraid that it was too good to last.
“Just breath, Ian. You’re safe with me. I promise I will never do anything you don’t want me to.”
I shook my head and stepped away from him.
“Today isn’t about me. It’s about you. I just wanted you to know that I understand how scary this can be. I’ve been there, so you don’t have to act tough with me. I don’t know what happened that night, but I know you are strong enough to face it.”
I grabbed his hand and held it the same way I held it the first night.
“And if you need a fr—, whatever, I’ll be right here.”
His eyes were pink and watery. I poured it on a little thick this time. But I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to run just because I was afraid.
“Jesus, how am I not supposed to fall in love with you,” he said, putting his hands on his hips and blinking away what I’m sure were tears.
“About that...can we talk about that another time?”
I still hadn’t decided what I felt for him. It was hard to tell what was genuine friendship and what was my own loneliness and isolation.
“We don’t have to. As I said, I don’t want anything from you. I just had to be honest with you.”
“I know, and it got me thinking about a lot of things. I still haven’t decided what I feel about...everything. But I know that I feel good about you and I feel good when I’m with you. And that never happens.”
“That’s good enough for me.”
I turned away from him. His face was too expressive, and his gaze was too intense. Shaolin was busy tempting Friendly into playing. Despite her obvious desire to run after him, she sat quietly beside me, waiting for a command.
“Go play,” I told her and she darted after the larger pit bull, bounding through the house and out into the backyard.
“I installed a doggy door. The fence is solid, so they should be fine. Do you want something to drink?”
I shook my head.
“We can go whenever you’re ready,” I said.
“Okay, uhm, let me take care of something real quick and we can get out of here.”
Josh disappeared upstairs and then came back with a leash and a towel.
“Ready when you are.”
Two hours later I was sitting outside of the local police station, waiting for him to come out. There were too many people inside the tiny building for me to be comfortable, and a number of them were clearly afraid of Friendly and Shaolin, which made me feel a bit better
. Still, the sun was shining and I preferred to sit outside and people watch. I think Josh preferred it too.
It was hard for him to admit that he was the victim of a vicious attack. It was even scarier to think that he might be the lucky survivor of a guy who had every intention of ending his life. I’d sat quietly and watched as Josh spoke with the officer assigned to the case.
“I’m glad you decided to follow up with us. We’re seeing a lot more cases like this lately. Usually when dates go wrong, it’s a robbery or some sick puppy who freaks out, but this sounds like one of these right-wing gay hunters,” the intake officer printed us up a fact sheet from the Southern Poverty Law Center.
“They are copycat cells. They pattern themselves after Russian groups that like to hunt down gay people and post the videos online. It’s pretty nasty stuff. Usually, they set up a date or a hookup, you show up and within a few minutes a bunch of others show up and they rough you up pretty good or they make you disappear.”
I saw a shiver run down his spine as he listened. The world is a scarier place than most of us would like to admit. That was what kept Joanne locked in her home.
“Can you look through some photos and show us the profile or any screenshots you might have. This guy might have been working alone but they are usually set up in teams of two or three. If we can catch one, we can usually get them all.”
“Two or three?”
“Yeah,” the cop gritted his teeth as he spoke. “Somebody has to hold the camera. It’s not just enough to hurt you for these guys. They need proof, bragging rights. It’s like war porn.”
I saw Josh look my way before his face turned green. He was beginning to understand what he may have escaped, and just how serious the situation might have been.
“So, is there v-video of me...out there?”
“There’s no way to be sure at this point, but I wouldn’t rule anything out. It looks like you got the best of him in the end so I doubt he’s likely to share a video of him getting his ass handed to him. But, honestly, I couldn’t guarantee anything.”
Josh balled up his fists on the desk and scowled. I moved from my seat, where Friendly and Shaolin had been sitting like personal guards as the whole scene played out.
“Can you give us a moment,” I asked the officer.
“Sure thing, why don’t I get those photos for you to look at?”
He got up from his desk and left us. I sat closer to Josh and took his fist in my hand.
“We can leave whenever you want to.”
“What the fuck is wrong with people?” There were tears in his eyes but his voice was a hiss of rage.
“I know. I know. So, what do you want to do?”
“I’m going to look at these photos and see if anything looks familiar.”
“Okay, how about I take the dogs out to pee and we’ll see you when you’re done here?”
I got up to leave and he turned his hand over to catch mine.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Don’t mention it.”
I don’t know why. I did it, almost as a reflex, but I leaned in and kissed his temple as I left. I didn’t dare to look back as I exited the station. I didn’t know how he felt about it, but I was pretty sure everybody in the station saw it and was busy forming their own opinions about him and me. Why didn’t I get a haircut before I showed up? Why didn’t I wear a different shirt? Did I look clingy?
My stomach churned but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other until Friendly, Shaolin and I were finally out in the sun. We walked and waited until he came out of the station looking drained and satisfied at the same time.
“How did it go?”
“Pretty good. There’s nothing solid yet, but I think I added another link in the chain; you know? And it’s nice to know there are people actually keeping track of this kind of thing,” he said.
“Good.”
He shoved his hands into his back pockets and smiled.
“What are you so happy about?”
He shook his head but didn’t say anything.
“What?” I looked down and checked my fly.
When I looked up his face was right in front of mine and without any warning, his lips were on mine. It only lasted a second. It was the briefest of contact, but it sent a jolt of electricity straight through my brain.
“Hey!” I felt adrenaline rush through my veins as I realized what had just happened. Strangely, I wasn’t upset or angry, I was actually happy. I was even a little giddy. It was like the first time I ever held a physical copy of my book in my hands. It was confirmation that this was real, it was really happening, and it was happening to me.
“I really needed that earlier, I’m just returning the favor,” he said, smiling widely. I felt all of the tension drain out of my body while looking up at his smiling face. I didn’t have any experience when it came to relationships but I was sure that, regardless of how or why it started, I had a crush on Josh Green.
“Ask next time,” I said, walking toward his truck with both dogs in tow.
Chapter Ten
“So, does that mean that there will be a next time?” Josh climbed into the truck next to me, still beaming.
“Maybe.”
“Does that mean that you like me too?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s good enough.” He started the engine and then looked over at me. “Where to?”
I swallowed slowly. In our last session, my therapist asked me if I was ready to show Josh where I lived. The idea of having him in my space was still a very scary prospect. I wasn’t ready to invite him up, but I didn’t mind him knowing where I lived. The problem was that if he wanted to see inside, I wouldn’t really know how to turn him down. That was before we’d kissed and I’d nearly pissed my pants with glee. Now I wasn’t sure what I’d willingly agree to if he just smiled at me.
“I live just a few blocks west of the Oyster Bar,” I said.
“In the brownstone walk-ups?”
“Yeah.”
“I know that place. I did some work there a few years back,” he said, throwing the truck into drive and pulling out of the parking lot.
“Really? Small world.”
He looked over at me.
“Not small enough.”
I wasn’t really sure what he meant by that but I wasn’t going to ask either. Instead, I focused on the two dogs in the back. They were resting comfortably, enjoying the breeze, leaning against each other like old friends. I envied them for their easy-going relationship. I wished I could make friends that easily. By the time he dropped me off in front of my building I was convinced that I’d made a big mistake. My mind was whirling, evaluating every aspect of our interactions
I couldn’t have any real feelings for Josh. It was my loneliness getting the best of me. I was misinterpreting my feelings. I was simply returning his sentiment out of misguided gratitude. The only reason why we were tangled up like this was because I didn’t know how to set firm boundaries.
“Do you actually believe that, or are you trying to find a way to avoid dealing with the real issue here?”
“Which is?”
“Josh is definitely gay. Are you?”
I spent the afternoon reviewing the sexual experiences that I’ve had that could count as consensual. They were pleasant, random, mostly emotionless acts of a hormonal body. They satisfied the hunger but didn’t move the needle one way or the other on the question of my sexuality. I did what I always did when faced with questions I couldn’t answer. I retreated into my work.
The hours slipped by as I worked. I escaped into the world I was drawing, turning a simple sketch into a rich tapestry. It was Friendly that finally pulled me out of my quiet meditation. She nudged my hand letting me know that it was time to take her out for a walk. I laced up my shoes and hit the pavement, enjoying the feeling of being outside for the first time in years. If my therapist could see me, she would be happy. Progress, she’d call it. I was making progress.
For me, that moment was the night I held Josh’s hand and promised not to leave him until he was safe.
“Call her.”
Friendly looked up at me with her wise, soulful eyes. She was right. What I needed now was a conversation with somebody whose voice wasn’t just a projection of my imagination. I waited until we returned home and then dialed her number.
“Ian! The man of the hour!”
“Hey, Jo, are you free?”
“As a bird, doll face, what can I do for you?”
“How do you know if you’re gay?”
She laughed until she choked.
“Why don’t you start with the hard questions,” she chuckled, catching her breath between syllables.
“I’m serious.”
“Is this about Josh?”
“He has a crush on me and I think I like him too, but I also think maybe I’m just flattered. Maybe I’m mistaking affection and gratitude for something else.”
“Wow, I know I’m the shut-in, but you’ve got to get out of your head, kid. Maybe all of that is true. So what?”
“So, I don’t want to lead him on. He’s a nice guy. I don’t want him thinking we can be something and then let him down.”
“Well, let me ask you something. Have you two had any physical contact at all?”
I thought back to the hug and light brush of our lips.
“Yes.”
“Did you get all tingly?”
“Not tingles. More like liquid lightning shooting through my veins.”