by Jerry Cole
“Be calm and let her do her job,” Joanne said, her raspy voice blasting through the speaker of my phone. I opened the door to the shop where I would be signing books and let Friendly walk ahead of me. She knew what to do, moving confidently through the room and behind the counters. If she saw a person her job was to bark.
After a few minutes, once she’d “cleared” the room I felt comfortable enough to go in. It was one of the skills she learned to help me get over my fear of being in public. I didn’t like walking into dark rooms and I was always a little nervous when I walked into an empty room, afraid that it only LOOKED empty and that somebody was waiting for me inside. At home, she would enter first and turn on a light across the room to let me know it was safe. In public she bounded through the empty space, searching for any hidden people. Just seeing her move through the empty room put my mind at ease.
Conversely, crowds also made me nervous but for completely different reasons. Tonight, was going to put both of my fears to the test.
I’d arrived early to check out the space and help with the set-up. I wanted to be here to greet my fans as they came in but I was already beginning to feel anxious about the evening. Paul, the owner of the store, was kind enough to wait outside with me while Friendly did her job and assured me that there was nothing to fear in the neat little book shop.
“You’re safe. Paul is a great guy and he won’t let anything bad happen to you. You can do this; I believe in you!”
“I’m just being a big baby. Thanks a lot, Joanne,” I said, feeling a little silly as I put my stuff down in the tiny office behind the counter and helped Paul set up the display shelves. I’d never seen so many physical copies of my book in one place. Joanne had also arranged for posters with my face to be plastered all over the shop and up and down the street. I don’t know how she managed it all, but I suspected that there was an app for that. It was fun and professional-looking, but I hardly felt like the guy in the photo. He looked friendly and confident. He looked like the kind of guy who would buy a round for everybody in the bar on his birthday.
I was not that guy. I was more likely to wet my pants. I closed my eyes and tried to recall my speech, pacing across the carpet of the back office as I recited the words again and again.
“You’re amazing.”
The voice was so close to me I could feel his breath on my neck. I spun around, my heart in my throat, and ended up nose to nose with Josh. He pecked my lips and smiled down at me.
“Where did you come from?”
“I’ve been here for a minute. You were so focused on your meditation or whatever, you didn’t hear me come in.”
I looked around and realized that a few people had begun to wander in.
“It’s early. I’m not ready yet!” I felt panic begin to build in my chest like a poisonous bubble.
“Hey,” Josh cupped my face in both hands. I jumped and checked quickly to see if anybody was watching us through the tiny window that looked out into the store. “Look at me. You are great. These people are here for you. And I heard most of your speech already. It’s pretty funny.”
“Jesus, how long were you standing there?” I squirmed but he wouldn’t let me go.
“Long enough to know you are going to be fine.” He kissed my forehead and ruffled my hair before letting me go.
“I hope so.” I bit my bottom lip, wishing that I hadn’t freaked out when he held my face. Maybe then he would’ve kissed me properly.
“If you get nervous just imagine me naked,” he called over his shoulder as he left the office. The problem was that I was imagining him naked and it creating a whole new issue that could ruin my presentation.
Shit.
I paced a little longer, trying to stay calm. They say that public speaking is the number one greatest fear for people. I wasn’t sure if it ranked as number one for me, but it was definitely a challenge. I went through some breathing exercises and tried to keep my mind out of the gutter until Paul popped his head in the door.
“Are you about ready?”
“Yeah, ready when you are.”
“Okay,” he stepped into the office and closed the door behind him. Friendly, knowing my discomfort at being in a room alone with a stranger, placed herself between me and Paul. “I just wanted to let you know that Joanne told me about your issue and if you get overwhelmed or just need a break let me know.”
I nodded and smiled but I felt like an ass. I know he was being considerate but it made me feel like an invalid. I didn’t need a babysitter. I was tired of people acting like I needed to be taken care of.
“Everybody needs somebody, sometimes.”
I rolled my eyes and followed Paul out to a bookshop full of strangers who I had almost convinced myself weren’t here to judge me. Ten minutes later I started to believe that they weren’t all secretly here to post embarrassing clips of me sweating and shaking through my speech. An hour later I was laughing, actually laughing WITH my fans.
And the whole time, in the back of the room sat Josh, trying to look inconspicuous. He was right, when I got nervous, imagining him naked did help to take my mind off of the fear. I still felt it, but instead of trying to boss up and deny it I was honest with everybody there. I admitted that I was bad at public speaking, and private speaking, and meeting people, and basically being amongst humans...and they clapped.
Then it was time for Q&A, and most of the questions were things I could answer. They asked about my inspiration for characters, and how real-life influenced my art. They asked for advice for new artists and the only thing I could come up with was what my mother told me.
“Be honest, even with yourself.”
And finally, there was a question that I wasn’t sure how I would answer until I heard it. A young woman who’d been sitting with a group of four other girls made her way to the mic. You could see all of her friends watching expectantly as if she’d been sent to speak for the delegation.
“I know this is off topic but, me and my friends would like to know,” she said, “are you single?”
I looked up at the man sitting in the back of the room. He was here for me. He could be anywhere in the world, and with anybody he really wanted, but he was here with me. Didn’t that count for something?
“No, I’m not. I just got into a serious relationship with somebody amazing.”
There was another round of hoots and applause that started in the back of the room and made its way through the shop. I lost sight of Josh for a while but I was pretty sure that he was still somewhere hanging around.
When I finally sat down to begin signing the copies of the books that people had bought or brought with them, I began to feel unsettled again. Maybe it was the long cue of people stretched out in front of me. Maybe it was the constant flow of people, one after the other, smiling down at me and gushing about some detail that they just wanted me to know. There were too many people. Too many lives. Too many people hoping for a smile or a kind word from me.
I wasn’t unappreciative. In fact, I owed everything to these people. Their patience with my bumbling and interest in my work was the reason I was able to do the things that I loved and not starve to death. But I’d been out of the house for too long. I’d been surrounded by too many strange people, and despite the calm and happy atmosphere in the bookstore, I was becoming unsettled.
I gave Friendly our secret command, a gesture that would call her over to me and prompt her to paw at my pants. She did exactly what she was trained to do, giving me an excuse to leave the room.
“Can you excuse me, I think my dog needs to go outside,” I stood up and escorted, or maybe was escorted, out of the back door into the alley.
As soon as I hit the foul, crisp air I bent at the waist, taking big lungsful of air as I tried to head off the fear and anxiety that threatened to derail my whole afternoon. It wasn’t working and the harder I tried the worse it was getting. Tears began to sting the back of my eyes. Why did I always fall apart when it mattered most? I felt the w
orld begin to close in around me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back inside. The shame of that fact made an already bad situation worse.
So many people had spent so much time to come to my first ever live event, and I blew it by flipping out. I closed my eyes and prayed that Paul wouldn’t come looking for me before I had a chance to pull myself together. I even contemplated running home. Just leave all of my things there and disappearing. Then the back door opened and a pair of familiar, strong hands hoisted me up and crushed me against a strong chest.
“You’re doing fine,” he said, stroking my hair the way he always did. “You can do this.”
I didn’t believe him at first, but I wanted to. I wanted to be the man he thought I was. I held on to him as waves of negative emotions passed through me. I could feel the anxiety and panic but I didn’t let it consume me. Instead, I held on to Josh, who hugged me and told me stupid nonsense about how awesome I was. I reminded myself of what I knew. I was safe. People here already liked me. I could go home anytime I wanted. And if I started to lose control, Josh would come to find me and hold my hand until I was okay again.
Chapter Fifteen
It was pretty late in the evening by the time everything was all said and done. Josh hung around the whole time, sitting close to me instead of hiding in the back. He was charming and funny and even though he didn’t introduce himself as my boyfriend, after a while it became pretty obvious who he was and what he meant to me. By the end of the night, we’d sold all of the copies of my book and signed hundreds more. Paul said it was one of his busiest days of the year and I promised to make his shop the first stop on any book tour I ever get brave enough to schedule.
“Can I take you home?” Josh asked.
“What about Shaolin? You’ve been gone all day.”
“I love my dog, but I really want to take care of my boyfriend,” he said softly.
“You heard that, huh?”
“How could I miss it?”
“You still need to look out for your dog. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
“You can, but I really want to take care of you tonight.”
I gave him a sly look and punched his chest.
“I think you want me to take care of you tonight.”
“Let’s call it mutual care,” he said, pulling me to him and dropping kisses on my face.
“Go take care of your dog and come see me later. I can’t overlook animal neglect.”
He looked upset but he complied. I immediately regretted my decision as soon as he left. I called a Go-Car and made it home without incident. When I returned to the safety of my apartment the weariness of the day settled into my bones. It had been a great experience, but also emotionally draining.
I showered and made sure that Friendly’s needs were taken care of. She’d worked hard all day and promptly fell asleep after eating. I was contemplating ordering food for myself when my phone rang.
“How long do I have to be gone before it’s considered later?”
“Josh?” I didn’t mean to sound so breathless when I said his name. I didn’t intend to let him know how much I was missing him despite the fact that he’d only been gone for two hours. But, with one moment I knew I’d given myself away.
“Is it later, yet? Because, full disclosure, I really need it to be later,” he said.
“It’s later but…” but I never allowed anybody into my home.
“Can I come up?”
“It’s a walk-up.” What the hell was I saying? Why would I tell him that? I obviously didn’t want him to leave, and he wasn’t the kind of guy who would let a few stairs stand between him and what he wants. He wouldn’t let a dragon stand between him and his goal, and I was his goal.
“Can I come in, Ian?”
“Sure,” I said even though the voice in my head was screaming not to let him up. The fear of it being a trap, and of being hurt in my own home was palpable. By the time he made it to the front door, I was sweating and visibly shaken. I snatched open the door and stood there panting.
He stood in the hall, a takeaway bag in his hands and Shaolin by his side. As soon as he laid his eyes on me, the smile on his face disappeared.
“Are you okay?” he reached out to touch me and I reflexively stepped back, avoiding his hand. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I swallowed hard. “Can we do this another night?”
“He looked past me into the apartment, his eyebrows knit together.
“Is anybody in there?”
I shook my head.
“Look, you don’t have to let me in, I’m okay with that. But you need to know I’m not leaving your doorstep until I know that you are okay. I’m not leaving you alone, no matter how long it takes, I’m willing to wait.”
His words were both comforting and terrifying. I wanted him here with me, but I needed him to leave as well. I was terrified of what could happen if I opened my door and let him inside. What if he made my one safe place unsafe? Friendly woke up and found me standing at the door. Unsure of what to do, she pressed her body against mine and licked my hand.
Shaolin wandered into the apartment without hesitation but Josh stood at the door.
“You should get some plates,” he took off his jacket and sat on the floor. He pulled out the cartons of food and began checking the contents. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like so I went with chicken wings, stewed vegetables, and macaroni. I figure you’re bound to like one of those things.”
He folded his legs up and looked up at me, expectantly. I was floored.
“You’re really going to do this?”
“Listen, I came here to be with you. If you aren’t ready to let me in yet, that’s fine. I know you have your reasons. But I can’t go back home now. Not without you, and not after seeing how upset you are. Besides, you have my dog. I can’t leave without my dog, and I’m pretty sure Friendly is holding him hostage.”
I didn’t have an answer for that so I turned around and got two plates and two sets of cutlery and a soda for each of us. I folded my legs and sat in the doorway of my apartment, my heart still pounding a mile a minute, but I was determined not to buckle this time.
“What brought you back here so fast?” I tried to sound normal, despite how abnormal this situation was.
“Your smell,” he looked me in the eyes as he spoke. “My bed still smells like you. It was driving me crazy.”
“We washed the sheets.”
“I know. It wasn’t my sheets; it was my bed. My mattress smells like you, and I just couldn’t go the whole night like this.” He grabbed his crotch where he was sporting an impressive imprint from a semi-hard dick.
I nearly choked on the macaroni.
“I’m surprised you were able to make it all the way here without pulling over to relieve yourself.”
“Who said I didn’t?” he winked and smiled at me and I found myself smiling back, despite myself.
“I wouldn’t put it past you.”
“Good. You should know right now that I’m a man that doesn’t get deterred by much. So, whatever you got going on in that apartment of yours; dead bodies, an assortment of Russian nesting dolls, an unhealthy relationship with wax figurines; I can handle it.” He grabbed my hand, “You won’t scare me off.”
I lifted his hand to my face and leaned into the warmth of his palm.
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
“Ha! Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around?” He slapped his knee as he laughed.
I shook my head.
“I’ve never had a visitor here before.”
“Never?”
“Never. Nobody is allowed past the front door. You’re actually the first person I’ve ever allowed to drop me off.”
“Why?”
I hesitated and he grabbed my hand with both of his.
“You have to trust me just a little with this. I won’t push you, I promise, but I want to know what I’m up against.”
I took a de
ep breath and tried to focus on my food as I spoke.
“I’ve been diagnosed with everything from generalized anxiety disorder to PTSD. I’ve been on meds and off of them and then back on a different pill and then back off of them again. I’ve been to hypnotherapy and group therapy and even hydrotherapy. At the end of the day it all comes down to one thing; I’m scared. Nowhere feels safe. I never feel safe. This is the one place where it feels like nothing bad can happen to me. I feel safe here.”
“I get it,” he said. “And if you let me in and I hurt you, you won’t have anywhere to run. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. I don’t want to ruin this for you.”
He got up to leave but another jolt of panic made me reach out and grab his arm.
“I don’t want you to go. I’m so tired of being afraid. I’m so tired of being alone and afraid,” I let tears slide down my face. It was embarrassing to admit it but it was the truth, my truth, and I had to tell it.
He hugged me tight and then took one large step forward, forcing me to back up. When I looked up, he was officially inside my apartment.
“This is good enough for me,” he ruffled my hair and kissed my nose. “Why don’t you go pack a bag? You’re coming home with me. I’ll wait here.”
“It’s late—”
“We have plenty of time. Go get what you’ll need in the morning. We both need a good night’s sleep and I can’t have one without you, so have mercy on me and get your stuff,” he stuck his bottom lip out and turned those hazel eyes on me. There was no point in arguing so I did as I was asked.
“Don’t forget to bring that chicken with us,” I called from the bedroom. “I’m hungry.”
By the time we pulled up to his house, my earlier episode was long forgotten. He held my hand and we walked into the house, both dogs following behind us. The pair of pit bulls quickly found the large dog bed that Josh paid top dollar for and snuggled up together before falling asleep. I watched as the two animals who’d been strangers not too long ago fell into a pile and slept soundly. They trusted each other and had found companionship because of it. If Friendly could do it, maybe one day I could too.