Bouquet of Regret (Angel's Shifters Book 1)

by Lenai McGoveran

  “He does, but who is this other?” Jeanne asked quietly, her eyes returning to me once more, and I swallowed nervously. My self-loathing rose because there was no way I was worth the three children they lost because of me. Tears burned my eyes again while pain tore my soul as if it were a piece of paper meant to become confetti.

  Ghostly arms wrapped around me, and I shuddered. I sensed Jax’s presence almost as soon as we walked in, but he hung back while his parents explained. Now, he seemed intent on trying to project soothing emotions, although he didn’t speak. Because he didn’t want to hurt his parents with his voice? That would be odd since he’s always seemed able to control who could hear or see him before. Ryker chuckled and quietly asked, “are you satisfied? Has this gone the way you expected? I fear you should have known how much pain this would cause the one so dear to your heart.”

  “M’lord?” Rex asked, his brow furrowed with confusion. In answer, Ryker chuckled and pulled my hood off before I realized what he intended to do. I hoped to sneak away without revealing myself since I would only be the recipient of their hostility. As much as I deserved it, I wanted to avoid it. Alas, I should have realized life wouldn’t miss this chance to gleefully kick me in the teeth.

  “Jazzy,” Jeanne breathed once her shocked eyes took in my ash-blonde hair and light violet eyes that matched those of the ethereal beauty hugging Jax.

  Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

  The ghostly arms hugging me tightened, and I tried to take a step back, but Dakota refused to let me. “Angel,” Ryker corrected gently. “The omega you heard arrived and disappeared before you returned from visiting Pol and Shelly. No one would have spoken of her looks to keep from hurting you in case she never returned. While everyone who knew Jax wondered if there was a relation somehow, they knew Angel didn’t know, so they refrained from asking. Dakota intended to stir that pot, as did Char, but Kyler ran her off before they could.”

  “Kyler?” Rex asked sharply, his hands grabbing Jeanne’s arm when she tried to surge forward, and I forced myself back. Dakota moved with me, a soothing noise coming from his throat while he pulled me closer to his chest. Fury still emanated from him, and I felt even worse since it was my fault he was so angry with them. I was sure they did what they thought was best. What else could you do as a parent?

  “He’s her fated mate. However, as Dakota can attest since he witnessed it, Kyler rejected Angel the moment he discovered they were mates. The pack rebelled and is now under Marcus. So, Evan’s return tomorrow should be something to behold,” Ryker explained cheerfully. I tried to imagine what would have happened had Dakota not insisted the vampire come in with us, and a shudder shook my body. I doubt it would have gone well.

  “I’ll kill the little bastard myself,” Rex declared, and I eyed him warily while trying to step back again. Dakota refused to let me move, and a soft whimper escaped my throat.

  “You may not,” Ryker declared sternly. “Arctic is making him regret his decisions since today he reminded him that any alpha can become the mate of an omega. I am sure it was quite the eyeopener for the pup that the young woman he scorned had two potential suitors. Personally, I find it amusing. Still, he will have to answer to his father, which is far worse a fate than what you could fabricate.”

  “Angel,” Jeanne whispered, taking a cautious step towards me, and I tried to surge back again. Dakota kept me firmly in place once more, and the tears filling my eyes spilled free. Agony radiated from my soul while I wondered if she meant to slap or strangle me. One soft sob led to another until I cried into Dakota’s shoulder while he tried to calm me. As before, it was all I could do to not wail my sorrow and grief. How could I cause the deaths of three people, all who were related to me? I robbed Matty of his mother, and four people of their beloved children.

  My self-loathing rose until it choked me, and I literally couldn’t breathe. “Angel, please, let me finish explaining before you lose yourself,” Ryker pleaded, but I couldn’t. What more was there to say? Well, other than the part where he tells them that every one of their children died because of me. Not to mention the danger lurking in Matty’s life because of my monster. I can’t do anything right. My birth itself was a curse. Dare I ask how I killed my mother?

  Another sob tore from my throat, this one so strong it hurt. I tried to swallow my pain, to keep it from taking me over even though I already lost that battle, but all I did was make it worse. I was a blight on the life of anyone who dared to love me. How long would it be before I killed Matty too? That caused my heart to constrict while my mind decreed I should leave him before I snuffed the life of the person who gave me the will to live. The pain in my heart was so great I couldn’t stand straight, even though ghostly hands tried to hold me up as did Dakota.

  Ryker kept trying to calm me, and I tried to stop the agony radiating from my soul, but I wasn’t strong enough. A cough escaped my lips while exhaustion stole over my body, and suddenly my legs weren’t strong enough to bear my weight. My entire body was so heavy I feared I might break the floor and the ground underneath it. As my legs collapsed, a door closed, and another set of muscular arms supported my weight. Dakota’s presence filled with shame and trepidation, which pulled my mind from the pit of despair it wallowed in. Jax, on the other hand, brightened.

  A tender kiss to my forehead allowed my chest to relax enough for my lungs to pull in a deep breath of air. With that, my mind cleared a little. As if the fresh oxygen cleaned away a cobweb that blocked the window of an attic. The second time lips pressed to my forehead, my legs stopped shaking, and I could stand on my own again. By the third one, I was still tired, but my limbs no longer felt like they were made of lead. “That’s it,” Marcus murmured, and the tears that finally stopped filled my eyes once more. I couldn’t look at him. I could not bear to see the disappointment or accusation in his eyes. How could he ever love me when all I brought was death?

  “Tch. And back into the abyss of chaos you go. Why are you so determined to despise yourself, sweetheart? What’s so terrible that you’ve lost your will to live? I know Matty’s fine because I already cornered Riff, albeit I didn’t dare face the little boy who loves you more than his life. So, what burned your world to the ground and salted the ashes?” Marcus asked in a voice so tender another sob tore from my throat.

  I tried to warn him to go away, that I would only kill him inadvertently, but I couldn’t force my voice to work. The only noise that escaped my mouth was a helpless sob that shook my entire body. “Our little stray has latched onto only the darkness upon learning the truth of her past. Were it Matty, she could show him a thousand rays of light within it, but Angel does not recognize her worth. Thus, she believes it to be her fault. I’m afraid the nicest thing to do is to be cruel,” Ryker explained. When Marcus made a questioning noise, although he tensed as soon as the vampire lord spoke, Ryker sighed. “All right, little one, what makes you so powerful that you could control adults before you were born?” His words were spoken gently, but that didn’t soften the harshness of them, and I flinched.

  “I fear you must catch me up if I am to help,” Marcus muttered when another sob burst from my throat.

  “Jax had a twin sister, but she grew up in another pack, and he spent his summers with her. Molly, the woman Angel believed to be her mother, was their stepsister, although she is Matty’s mom,” Dakota explained in a voice devoid of emotion. However, I sensed the chaos swirling within his soul that he muted due to my meltdown. Yet another sin of mine.

  “All three of these people have tragically passed and the only thing they have in common besides each other is Angel,” Ryker added quietly. I flinched from the truth of his words.

  “Angel!” Jeanne gasped, and I sobbed again. Seconds later, I was pulled into a gentle, but firm hug that I couldn’t escape although I tried. “Now, you listen to me, little girl. Neither of my daughters would see you as the reason they died. Nor would Jax. Even if your existence opened the door to the circumstances of their deaths
, it still wasn’t your fault. How can an infant or child be blamed for what happens to the adults in their lives? Did you do something to cause them to die?” Her voice was as gentle as her embrace, but just as firm as well. When I shook my head, because I was helpless for mom’s death, she tutted. “Then, the blame cannot rest on your shoulders. If anyone is guilty, then Dakota is right, and it would be us. We let our children do as they desired, and we didn’t insist that Molly let us visit. Dakota is correct that you are the victim, sweetheart. I’m sorry you have suffered whatever fills my nephew with so much anger.”

  Marcus pulled me into his embrace with a soft growl when I sobbed again. He kissed my forehead once more, his hands rubbing my back, although he was careful not to use pressure. For a moment, I nearly tensed, until I remembered he didn’t know my spine healed. That caused my legs to give out again, and I sobbed brokenly into his chest. Even though I tried to run away, he still remembered the condition I suffered and refrained from antagonizing it.

  “I’m sorry,” I whimpered, “I’m so sorry.” I hugged the alpha werewolf as tight as I could and sobbed with abandon. Once I calmed a little, albeit this sorrow never tried to overtake my soul even though it pained my heart, Marcus tilted my chin up.

  “What, pray tell, do you have to be sorry for?” Marcus asked tenderly, and tears filled my eyes again. By this point, I thought they were dried up, but apparently not. Kneeling, Marcus stared into my eyes after I dropped my gaze. “You figured out everything on your own, yes Char confessed after the vampire took you. Then, you finally had a moment to think while faced with Kyler and put that together too. God, you are so smart, Angel. But you’ve had to be, right? On the streets, it’s only your smarts that keep you alive.” Gasps came from Jax’s parents, and I flinched. Great, now they know I’m a street rat too. There goes any value I might have had.

  “So, what do you need to apologize for, hmm?” Marcus continued gently. “When you learned the truth, you were so hurt it spooked you. That’s not surprising in the least. What else would a child who grew up quickly do? You sacrificed your happiness to ensure Matty’s. Thus you went without a roof or love to provide for your baby brother. To make matters worse, you suffered at the hands of a sadist, dancing to his tune to keep him from ripping apart the world to find Matty. He isolated you, filled your head with lies, and shredded what little self-esteem survived the man you thought was your father. So, I ask again, what do you have to apologize for, Angel?”

  Mutely, I shook my head while tears continued to roll down my cheeks. If I wasn’t born, they might still be alive, and Matty could have grown up in a stable home. “You said your father was mean by the time you came around,” Marcus began quietly, his eyes piercing my soul. “Thus, with the passing of even more time, he might have beaten Matty for daring to breathe. Plus, Matty isn’t interested in sports. A mean drunk who once lived and breathed football would have despised a son who refused to play. You saved Matty, Angel.”

  “Indeed,” Ryker agreed gently. “He would have killed everything you love in your little brother. So you are definitely Matty’s angel. As for Molly, your monster hated her from the get-go. You never saw it, but Peter cleaned up for her. You thought he fell into the darkness after his accident, but that wasn’t the case. Peter always danced in the dark with his friend, but he tried to lessen its hold once Molly became his ray of light. You, well, you were a child he wasn’t ready for, and you lacked his blood, which only made it worse. He never wanted you, but Molly promised Jazzy she would raise you as if you were her own. Thus, to keep the woman he loved, he had to tolerate you. He believed having a child of her own would allow him to get rid of you, albeit he was wrong. Molly would have destroyed his life had she known what he did to you. You were the last link she had to the sister she adored and, well, hell hath no fury.” Sniffling, I stared at the vampire with a hollow pit in my chest that desperately wanted to become hope. However, I refused to allow that to happen. Why did I deserve hope?

  Shaking his head, Ryker sat on the ground beside Marcus and met my gaze with sincerity burning in his eyes. “Jazzy loathed the males who insisted a woman couldn’t be an alpha. She rallied against them, beat them in fights, and still was dismissed as unimportant. It made her miserable. Especially when the alpha of her father’s pack began trying to mate her off to another alpha. She would have killed whoever it was, gleefully. Instead, she went to a club that catered to werewolves and got drunk. Now, for a wolf, that’s quite a feat. Werewolves have fast metabolisms that make it a chore to even get buzzed.” Well, that made sense. Considering your metabolism rate dictated how many drinks you needed to get drunk in the first place, plus how long it would affect you.

  “There, she danced with the humans who were part of the band playing that night. One found himself drawn to her, and she to him,” Ryker continued with sorrow filling his voice.

  “Oh no,” Jeanne whimpered, but I couldn’t look away from Ryker to ask her what was so bad about that.

  “The pair of them drank and laughed all night, then woke in the same bed come morning. The human, well, he had to find his band to make it to their next gig, and Jazzy had an alpha to avoid. They didn’t swap numbers or addresses since they stayed in the hotel room belonging to the young man. Hell, she thought all she had of him was his name. Zeke. It wasn’t until later that she realized her error. Female werewolves often struggle to get pregnant at first if their partner isn’t their mate. Since Zeke was hers, and the timing was right, well, she discovered she was pregnant,” Ryker sighed. His eyes filled with mirth before I dropped my gaze to my feet.

  “Jax and I were visiting her at Molly’s apartment since Jazzy had already retreated there. See, she realized she could make her own pack, albeit her only members would be human. Still, Jaz didn’t care. If this pack wouldn’t have searched for Jax, he would have joined her in a heartbeat. Anyway, Jaz was a tense mess, while Molly cheerfully told us we needed to wait a few minutes for either a celebration or mourning. Neither of us knew about Jazzy’s ah interlude, so we did not know what to expect at first. Once I inhaled to discover what danger might lurk within the small space, I knew what happened. When I became a statue, Jazzy realized I knew,” Ryker continued with amusement.

  Flinching, I fought the despair rising in my chest. “A werewolf’s scent changes once she is pregnant, although it takes a couple months for other wolves to pick up on it due to how subtle it is at first. So, while Jax couldn’t smell anything different, I could. Jaz knew this, and delight lit her eyes before she squealed and jumped me because of her excitement. Molly celebrated too, while poor Jax was confused. Jaz received a halfhearted lecture once I told him, then Jax hugged his sister and spun her around in his excitement. She tried to find your father, as did Jax and I, but we couldn’t determine where he’d gone. Every trail led to another or a dead end, and it was frustrating. Thus, I promised to continue the search while Jax and Jaz focused on the coming baby. Molly got a bigger apartment with Peter, and Jax donated time and money into fixing it up since she bought it. Meanwhile Jaz decorated the nursery with excitement,” Ryker chuckled. “That girl was so excited to meet you she would have lassoed the moon if she could to order it to speed up time.”

  A reluctant laugh escaped my throat while tears trailed down my cheeks. “Days before she was due, she took a walk down an isolated trail to enjoy the fresh air. Peter sulked because Molly was so excited and doted upon Jaz instead of him, so she needed a break from him, too. Unfortunately, the group who hates the werewolves, the humans who see them as a threat, saw her. However, when the leader noticed she was pregnant, he gave orders to leave her alone because their battle wasn’t with children. One prick disobeyed, seeing any child of a werewolf as a monster, so he broke rank to attack. His leader caught him, but not before he cut Jazzy with a blade poisoned with wolfsbane,” Ryker’s voice filled with anger and grief while his eyes lowered. “Jax knew the instant it happened and ran from the apartment where we waited to surprise Jazzy. Molly foll
owed, and since it was an overcast day, so did I.” My throat clogged, and I tried to breathe while my endless supply of tears continued to soak my cheeks. I didn’t want to hear this, but I needed to. I needed to know. Although I wish I didn’t because it hurt.

  “Jazzy told Jax to get you out when he fell to his knees beside her. He argued, saying she would die if they didn’t get her to a wolf friendly hospital. Her reply stole his voice, and he stared at her in mute horror when Jaz reminded him that the wolfsbane could kill you too, as could the antidote. It isn’t an exact science for cubs of a werewolf and a human. One might survive wolfsbane as if it were water, while others will perish from a drop of it or the antidote. So, with a heavy heart, Jax did as his sister asked. Even though he knew it would kill her,” Ryker murmured, pulling me onto his lap when I sobbed. “I know, little one, I know it hurts. But the wolfsbane meant Jaz couldn’t heal on her own, so she would bleed out. Werewolves don’t do well with vampire blood either, so I was useless. However, I don’t carry germs, so Jaz told me I was responsible for you. Jax insisted he would make the cut. That way he wouldn’t blame me. I told him he was an idiot and got a laugh from his sister. Molly held her hand, talking to her and praising her bravery. Jaz didn’t need it, but Molly needed to do it. An alpha knows these things about their pack, so she let Molly try to comfort her, to prevent her meltdown.”

  Ryker cleared his throat and shook his head before he could continue. “Jax tried to delay, desperate to keep Jaz alive for as long as possible. At least, until she told him she felt you trying to fight it off for her. He guessed what that meant, as did I, and he kissed her forehead before agreeing that you must come out immediately or you’d kill yourself trying to save your mother. It was as messy as you might expect, and Jax insisted on burying Jaz once she passed. Before she did, however, she held you in her arms and called you her angel. Molly promised she would keep you safe, albeit she tried to get me to take Jaz to the hospital. I intended to when Jaz refused. She said if she lived, the man who poisoned her might look for you, and she didn’t want that. She was an alpha to her core, thus dumb at times. Still, by the time I got her there, they would have had mere seconds to save her, and it wouldn’t have been enough. I knew this, as did she, and Jazzy didn’t want the guilt on my shoulders either.”