CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.
BELL. You have an opportunity, now, madam, to revenge yourself upon him for affronting your squirrel.
BELIN. O, the filthy, rude beast.
ARAM. 'Tis a lasting quarrel.
CONGREVE.
We sailed the next day, and, after one month more of unsuccessfulcruising, arrived safe at Halifax, where I was informed that an oldfriend of my father's, Sir Hurricane Humbug, of whom some mention hasalready been made in this work, had just arrived. He was not in anofficial character, but had come out to look after his own property. Itis absolutely necessary that I should here, with more than usualformality, introduce the reader to an intimate acquaintance with thecharacter of Sir Hurricane.
Sir Hurricane had risen in life by his own ingenuity, and the patronageof a rich man in the south of England: he was of an ardent disposition,and was an admirable justice of peace, when the _argumentum baculinum_was required, for which reason he had been sent to reduce two or threerefractory establishments to order and obedience; and, by his firmnessand good humour, succeeded. His tact was a little knowledge ofeverything, not like Solomon's from the hyssop to the cedar, but fromthe boiler of a potato to the boiler of a steamboat, and from catching asprat to catching a whale; he could fatten pigs and poultry, and had apeculiar way of improving the size, though not the breed of the latter;in short, he was "jack of all trades and master of none."
I shall not go any farther back with his memoirs than the day he choseto teach an old woman how to make mutton broth. He had in the course ofan honest discharge of his duty at a certain very dirty sea-port town,incurred the displeasure of the lower orders generally: he neverthelesswould omit no opportunity of doing good, and giving advice to the poorgratis. One day he saw a woman emptying the contents of a boilingkettle out of her door into the street. He approached, and saw a leg ofmutton at the bottom, and the unthrifty housewife throwing away theliquor in which it had been boiled.
"Good woman!" said the economical baronet, "do you know what you aredoing? A handful of meat, a couple of carrots, and a couple of turnips,cut up into dice and thrown into that liquor, with a little parsley,would make excellent mutton broth for your family."
The old woman looked up, and saw the ogre of the dockyard; and either bylosing her presence of mind or by a most malignant slip of the hand, shecontrived to pour a part of the boiling water into the shoes of SirHurricane. The baronet jumped, roared, hopped, stamped, kicked off hisshoes, and ran home damning the old woman, and himself too, for havingtried to teach her how to make mutton broth. As he ran off, theungrateful hag screamed after him, "Sarves you right; teach you to mindyour own business."
The next day, in his magisterial capacity, he commanded the attendanceof "the dealer in slops."
"Well, madam, what have you to say for yourself for scalding one of hisMajesty's justices of the peace? Don't you know that I have the powerto commit you to Maidstone gaol for the assault?"
"I beg your honour's pardon humbly," said the woman; "I did not know itwas your honour, or I am sure I wouldn't a' done it; besides, I own toyour honour I had a drop too much."
The good-natured baronet dismissed her with a little suitable advice,which no doubt the good woman treated as she did that relative to themutton broth.
My acquaintance with Sir Hurricane had commenced at Plymouth, when hekicked my ship to sea in a gale of wind for fear we should ground on ourbeef bones. I never forgave him for that. My father had shown himgreat civility, and had introduced me to him. When at Halifax, weresided in the same house with a mutual friend who had always receivedme as his own son. He had a son of my own age with whom I had long beenon terms of warm friendship, and Ned and I confederated against SirHurricane. Having paid a few visits _en passant_, as I landed at theKing's Wharf, shook hands with a few pretty girls, and received theircongratulations on my safe return, I went to the house of my friend,and, without ceremony, walked into the drawing-room.
"Do you know, sir," said the footman, "that Sir Hurricane is in hisroom? But he is very busy," added the man, with a smile.
"Busy or not," said I, "I am sure he will see me"--so in I walked.
Sir Hurricane was employed on something, but I could not distinctly makeout what. He had a boot between his knees and the calves of his legs,which he pressed together, and as he turned his head round, I perceivedthat he held a knife between his teeth.
"Leave the door open, messmate," said he, without taking the leastnotice of me. Then rising, he drew a large black tom-cat by the tail,out of the boot, and flinging it away from him to a great distance,which distance was rapidly increased by the voluntary exertion of thecat, which ran away as if it had been mad--"There," said he, "and bedamned to you, you have given me more trouble than a whole Kentuckyfarm-yard but I shall not lose my sleep any more by your damnedcaterwauling."
All this was pronounced as if he had not seen me--in fact, it was asoliloquy, for the cat did not stay to bear it. "Ah!" said he, holdingout his hand to me, "how do you do? I know your face, but damn me if Ihave not forgot your name."
"My name, sir," said I, "is Mildmay."
"Ah, Mildmay, my noble, how do you do--how did you leave your father? Iknew him very well--used to give devilish good feeds--many a plate I'vedirtied at his table--don't care how soon I put my legs under it again;take care, mind which way you put your helm--you will be aboard of mychickabiddies--don't run athwart-hawse."
I found, on looking down, that I had a string round my leg, whichfastened a chicken to the table, and saw many more of these littlecreatures attached to the chairs in the room; but for what purpose theywere thus domesticated I could not discover.
"Are these pet chickens of yours, Sir Hurricane?" said I.
"No," said the admiral, "but I mean them to be pet capons by and by,when they come to table. I have finished a dozen and a half thismorning, besides that damned old tom-cat."
The mystery was now explained, and I afterwards found out (every manhaving his hobby) that the idiosyncrasy of this officer's dispositionhad led him to the practice of neutralising the males of any species ofbird or beast, in order to render them more palatable at the table.
"Well, sir," he continued, "how do you like your new ship--how do youlike your old captain?--good fellow, isn't he?--damn his eyes--countryman of mine--I knew him when his father hadn't as much money aswould jingle on a tombstone. That fellow owes everything to me. Iintroduced him to the Duke of ---, and he got on by that interest. ButI say, what do you think of the Halifax girls--nice! a'n't they?"
I expressed my admiration of them.
"Ay, ay, they'll do, won't they?--we'll have some fine fun--give thegirls a party at George's Island--hay-making--green gowns--ha, ha, ha!I say, your captain shall give us a party at Turtle Cove. We are goingto give the old commissioner a feed at the Rockingham--blow the roof ofhis skull off with champagne. Do you dine at Birch Cove to-day? No, Isuppose you are engaged to Miss Maria, or Miss Susan, or Miss Isabella--ha, sad dog, sad dog!--done a great deal of mischief," surveying me fromhead to foot.
I took the liberty of returning him the same compliment; he was a tall,raw-boned man, with strongly marked features, and a smile on hiscountenance that no modest woman could endure. In his person he gave methe idea of a discharged life-guardsman; but from his face you mighthave supposed that he had sat for one of Ruben's satyrs. He was one ofthose people with whom you become immediately acquainted; and before Ihad been an hour in his company, I laughed very heartily at his jokes--not very delicate, I own, and for which he lost a considerable portionof my respect; but he was a source of constant amusement to me, livingas we did in the same house.
I was just going out of the room when he stopped me--"I say, how shouldyou like to be introduced to some devilish nice Yankee girls, relationsof mine, from Philadelphia? and I should be obliged to you to show themattention; very pretty girls, I can tell you, and will have goodfortunes--you may go farther and fare worse. The old dad
is as rich asa Jew--got the gout in both legs--can't hold out much longer--nicepickings at his money bags, while the devil is picking his bones."
There was no withstanding such inducements, and I agreed that he shouldpresent me the next day.
Our dialogue was interrupted by the master of the house and his son, whogave me a hearty welcome; the father had been a widower for some years,and his only son Ned resided with him, and was intended to succeed tohis business as a merchant. We adjourned to dress for dinner; ourbedrooms were contiguous and we began to talk of Sir Hurricane.
"He is a strange mixture," said Ned. "I love him for his good temper;but I owe him a grudge for making mischief between me and Maria;besides, he talks balderdash before the ladies and annoys them verymuch."
"I owe him a grudge too," said I, "for sending me to sea in a gale ofwind."
"We shall both be quits with him before long," said Ned; "but let us nowgo and meet him at dinner. To-morrow I will set the housekeeper at himfor his cruelty to her cat; and if I am not much mistaken she will payhim off for it."
Dinner passed off extremely well. The admiral was in high spirits; andas it was a bachelor's party, he earned his wine. The next morning wemet at breakfast. When that was over, the master of the house retiredto his office, or pretended to do so. I was going out to walk, but Nedsaid I had better stay a few minutes; he had something to say to me; infact, he had prepared a treat without my knowing it.
"How did you sleep last night, Sir Hurricane?" said the artful Ned.
"Why, pretty well considering," said the admiral, "I was not tormentedby that old tom-cat. Damn me, sir, that fellow was like the GrandSignior, and he kept his seraglio in the garret over my bedroom, insteadof being at his post in the kitchen killing the rats that are runningabout like coach-horses."
"Sir Hurricane," said I, "it's always unlucky to sailors if they meddlewith cats. You will have a gale of wind, in some shape or anotherbefore long."
These words were scarcely uttered, when, as if by preconcertedarrangement, the door opened, and in sailed Mrs Jellybag, thehousekeeper, an elderly woman somewhere in the latitude of fifty-five orsixty years. With a low courtesy and contemptuous toss of her head, sheaddressed Sir Hurricane Humbug.
"Pray, Sir Hurricane, what have you been doing to my cat?"
The admiral, who prided himself in putting any one who applied to him onwhat he called the wrong scent, endeavoured to play off Mrs Jellybag inthe same manner.
"What have I done to your cat, my dear Mrs Jellybag? Why, my dearmadam," said he, assuming an air of surprise, "what _should_ I do toyour cat?"
"You _should_ have left him alone, Mr Admiral; that cat was myproperty; if my master permits you to ill-treat the poultry, that's hisconcern; but that cat was mine, Sir Hurricane--mine, every inch of him.The animal has been ill-treated, and sits moping in the corner of thefireplace as if he was dying; he'll never be the cat he was again."
"I don't think he ever will, my dear Mrs Housekeeper," answered theadmiral drily.
The lady's wrath now began to kindle. The admiral's cool replies werelike water sprinkled upon a strong flame, increasing its force, insteadof checking it.
"Don't dear _me_, Sir Hurricane. I am not one of _your dears_--yourdears are all in Dutchtown, more shame for you--an old man like you."
"Old man!" cried Sir Hurricane, losing his placidity a little.
"Yes, old man; look at your hair--as grey as a goose's."
"Why, as for my hair, that proves nothing, Mrs Jellybag, for thoughthere may be snow on the mountains there is still heat in the valleys.What d'ye think of my metaphor?"
"I am no more a _metafore_ than yourself, Sir Hurricane; but I'll tellyou what, you are a _cock-and-hen_ admiral, a dog-in-the-mangerbarrownight, who was jealous of my poor tom-cat, because--I won't saywhat. Yes, Sir Hurricane, all hours of the day you are leering at everyyoung woman that passes out of our windows--and an old man too--youought to be ashamed of yourself; and then you go to church of a Sunday,and cry, `Good Lord, deliver us.'"
The housekeeper now advanced so close to the admiral that her nosenearly touched his, her arms akimbo, and every preparation for boarding.The admiral, fearing she might not confine herself to vocality, butbegin to beat time with her fists, thought it right to take up aposition; he therefore very dexterously took two steps in the rear andmounted on a sofa; his left was defended by an upright piano, his rightby the breakfast table with all the tea-things on it; his rear wasagainst the wall, and his front depended on himself in person. Fromthis commanding eminence he now looked down on the housekeeper, whosenose could reach no higher than the seals of her adversary's watch; andin proportion as the baronet felt his security, so rose his choler.Having been for many years proctor at the great universities ofPoint-street and Blue-town, as well as member of Barbican and NorthCorner, he was perfectly qualified, in point of classical dialect, tomaintain the honour of his profession. Nor was the lady by any meansdeficient. Although she had not taken her degree, her tongue fromconstant use had acquired a fluency which nature only concedes topractice.
It will not be expected, nor would it be proper, that I should repeatall that passed in this concluding scene, in which the housekeeper gaveus good reason to suppose that she was not quite so ignorant of thenature of the transaction as she would have had us believe.
The battle having raged for half an hour with great fury, both partiesdesisted, for want of breath, and consequently of ammunition. Thisproduced a gradual cessation of firing, and by degrees the shipsseparated--the admiral, like Lord Howe on the 1st of June, preservinghis position, though very much mauled; and the housekeeper, like the_Montague, running down_ to join her associates. A few random shotswere exchanged as they parted, and at every second or third step on thestairs, Mrs Margaret brought to, and fired, until both were quite outof range; a distant rumbling noise was heard, and the admiral concluded,by muttering that she might go --- somewhere, but the word died betweenhis teeth.
"There, admiral," said I, "did not I tell you that you would have asquall?"
"Squall! yes--damn my blood," wiping his face; "how the spray flew fromthe old beldame! She's fairly wetted my trousers, by God! Who'd everthought that such a purring old bitch could have shown such a set ofclaws! War to the knife! By heavens, I'll make her remember this."
Notwithstanding the admiral's threat, hostilities ceased from that day.The cock-and-hen admiral found it convenient to show a white feather;interest stood in the way, and barred him from taking his revenge. MrsJellybag was a faithful servant, and our host neither liked that sheshould be interfered with, or that his house should become an arena forsuch conflicts; and the admiral, who was peculiarly tenacious ofundrawing the strings of his purse, found it convenient to make thefirst advances. The affair was, therefore, amicably arranged--thetom-cat was, in consideration of his sufferings, created a baronet, andwas ever afterwards dignified by the title of _Sir H. Humbug_; whocertainly was the most eligible person to select for godfather, as hehad taken the most effectual means of weaning him from "the pomps andvanities of this wicked world."
It was now about one o'clock, for this dispute had run away with thebest part of the morning, when Sir Hurricane said, "Come, youngster,don't forget your engagements--you know I have got to introduce you tomy pretty cousins--you must mind your P's and Q's with the uncle, for heis a sensible old fellow--has read a great deal, and thinks America thefirst and greatest country in the world."
We accordingly proceeded to the residence of the fair strangers, who theadmiral assured me had come to Halifax from mere curiosity, under theprotection of their uncle and aunt. We knocked at the door, and theadmiral inquired if Mrs McFlinn was at home; we were answered in theaffirmative. The servant asked our names. "Vice-admiral Sir HurricaneHumbug," said I, "and Mr Mildmay."
The drawing-room door was thrown open, and the man gave our names withgreat propriety. In we walked; a tall grave, looking, elderly ladyreceived us, standing bolt upright, in t
he middle of the room; the youngladies were seated at their work.
"My dear Mrs McFlinn," said the admiral, "how do you do? I amdelighted to see you and your fair nieces looking so lovely thismorning." The lady bowed to this compliment--a courtesy she was notquite up to--"Allow me to introduce my gallant young friend, Mildmay--young ladies, take care of your hearts--he is a great rogue, I assureyou, though he smiles so sweet upon you."
Mrs McFlinn bowed again to me, hoped I was very well, and inquired "howlong I had been in these parts."
I replied that I had just returned from a cruise, but that I was nostranger in Halifax.
"Come, officer," said the admiral, taking me by the arm, "I see you arebashful--I must make you acquainted with my pretty cousins. This, sir,is Miss McFlinn--her christian name is Deliverance. She is a young ladywhose beauty is her least recommendation."
"A very equivocal compliment," thought I.
"This, sir, is Miss Jemima; this is Miss Temperance; and this is MissDeborah. Now that you know them all by name, and they know you, I hopeyou will contrive to make yourself both useful and agreeable."
"A very pretty sinecure," thinks I to myself, "just as if I had not myhands full already." However, as I never wanted small-talk for prettyfaces, I began with Jemima. They were all pretty, but she was a love--yet there was an awkwardness about them that convinced me that they werenot of the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia. The answers to all my questionswere quick, pert, and given with an air of assumed consequence; at thesame time I observed a mode of expression, which, though English, wasnot well-bred English.
"Did you come through the United States," said I, "into the Britishterritory, or did you come by water?"
"Oh, by water," screamed all the girls at once, "and _liked_ to havebeen eaten up with the nasty roaches."
I did not exactly know what was meant by "roaches", but it was explainedto me soon after. I inquired whether they had seen a Britishman-of-war, and whether they would like to accompany me on board of thatwhich I belonged to? They all screamed out at the same moment--
"No, we never have seen one, and should like to see it of all things.When will you take us?"
"To-morrow," said I, "If the day should prove fine."
Here the admiral, who had been making by-play with the old chaperon,turned round and said:--
"Well, Mr Frank, I see you are getting on pretty well without myassistance."
"Oh, we all like him very much," said Temperance; "and he says he willtake us on board his ship."
"Softly, my dear," said the aunt; "we must not think of giving thegentleman the trouble until we are better acquainted."
"I am sure, aunt," said Deborah, "we are very well acquainted."
"Then," said the aunt, seeing she was in the minority, "suppose you andSir Hurricane come and breakfast with us to-morrow morning at eleveno'clock, after which we shall be very much at your service."
Here the admiral looked at me with one of his impudent leers, and burstinto a loud laugh; but I commanded my countenance very well, and rebukedhim by a steady and reserved look.
"I shall have great pleasure," said I to the lady, "in obeying yourorders from eleven to-morrow morning till the hour of dinner, when I amengaged."
So saying, we both bowed, wished them a good morning, and left the room.The door closed upon us, and I heard them all exclaim--"What a charmingyoung man!"
I went on board, and told the first lieutenant what I had done; he, verygood-naturedly, said he would do his best, though the ship was not inorder for showing, and would have a boat ready for us at the dockyardstairs at one o'clock the next day.
I went to breakfast at the appointed hour. The admiral did not appear,but the ladies were all in readiness, and I was introduced to theiruncle--a plain, civil-spoken man with a strong nasal twang. The repastwas very good; and, as I had a great deal of work before me, I made haywhile the sun shone. When the rage of hunger had been a littleappeased, I made use of the first belle to inquire if a lady whom I oncehad the honour of knowing, was any relation of theirs, as she bore thesame name, and came, like them, from Philadelphia.
"Oh, dear, yes, indeed, she is a relation," said all the ladiestogether; "we have not seen her this seven years, when did you see herlast!"
I replied that we had not met for some time; but that the last time Ihad heard of her, she was seen by a friend of mine at Turin on the Po.The last syllable was no sooner out of my mouth than tea, coffee, andchocolate was out of theirs, all spirting different ways just like somany young grampuses. They jumped up from the table, and ran away totheir rooms, convulsed with laughter, leaving me alone with their uncle.I was all amazement, and I own I felt a little annoyed.
I asked if I had made any serious _lapsus_, or said anything veryridiculous or indelicate; if I had, I said I should never forgivemyself.
"Sir," said Mr McFlinn, "I am very sure you meant nothing indelicate;but the refined society of Philadelphia, in which these young ladieshave been educated, attaches very different meanings to certain words,to what you do in the old-country. The back settlements, for instance,so called by our ancestors, we call the western settlements, and weapply the same term, by analogy, to the human figure and dress. This isa mere little explanation, which you will take as it is meant. Itcannot be expected that _foreigners_, should understand the niceties ofour language."
I begged pardon for my ignorance; and assured him I would be morecautious in future. "But pray tell me," said I, "what there was in mylast observation which could have caused so much mirth at my expense?"
"Why, sir," said Mr McFlinn, "you run me hard there; but since youforce me to explain myself, I must say that you used a word exclusivelyconfined to bed-chambers."
"But surely, sir," said I, "you will allow that the name of a celebratedriver, renowned in the most ancient of our histories, is not to bechanged from such a refined notion of false delicacy?"
"There you are wrong," said Mr McFlinn. "The French, who are ourinstructors, in everything, teach us how to name all these things; and Ithink you will allow that they understand true politeness."
I bowed to this _dictum_, only observing that there was a point in ourlanguage where delicacy became indelicate; that I thought the nobleriver had a priority of claim over a contemptible vessel; and, revertingto the former part of his discourse I said that we in England were notashamed to call things by their proper names; and that we considered ita great mark of ill-breeding to go round about for a substitute to acommon word, the vulgar import of which a well-bred and modest womanought never to have known.
The old gentleman felt a little abashed at this rebuke, and to relievehim I changed the subject, hoping that the ladies would forgive for thisonce, and return to their breakfasts.
"Why, as for that matter," said the gentleman, "the Philadelphia ladieshave very delicate appetites, and I dare say they have had enough."
Finding I was not likely to gain ground on that tack, I steered my owncourse, and finished my breakfast, comforting myself that much executionhad been done by the ladies on the commissariat department before the"Po" had made its appearance.
By the time I had finished, the ladies had composed themselves; and thepretty Jemima had recovered the saint-like gravity of her lovely mouth.Decked in shawls and bonnets, they expressed much impatience to be gone.We walked to the dockyard, where a boat with a midshipman attended, andin a few minutes conveyed us alongside of my ship. A painted caskshaped like a chair, with a whip from the main yard-arm, was let downinto the boat; and I carefully packed the fair creatures two at a time,and sent them up. There was a good deal of giggling, and screaming, andloud laughing, which rather annoyed me; for as they were not my friends,I had no wish that my mess-mates should think they belonged to that setin Halifax in which I was so kindly received.
At length all were safely landed on the quarter-deck, without theexposure of an ankle, which they all seemed to dread. Whether theirankles were not quite so small as Mr McFlinn wished me to suppos
e theirappetites were, I cannot say.
"La, aunt!" said Deborah, "when I looked up in the air, and saw you andDeliverance dangling over our heads, I thought if the rope was to break,what a `squash' you would have come on us: I am sure you would have_paunched_ us."
Determined to have the Philadelphia version of this elegant phrase, Iinquired what it meant, and was informed, that in their country whenanyone had his bowels _squeezed_ out, they called it "_paunching_."
"Well," thought I, "after this, you might swallow the Po withoutspoiling your breakfasts." The band struck up "Yankee Doodle," theladies were in ecstasy, and began to caper round the quarter-deck.
"La, Jemima!" said Deborah, "what have you done to the western side ofyour gown? it is all over white."
This was soon brushed off, but the expression was never forgotten in theship, and always ludicrously applied.
Having shown them the ship and all its wonders, I was glad to conductthem back to the shore. When I met the admiral, I told him I had donethe honours, and hoped the next time he had any female relatives hewould keep his engagements and attend to them himself.
"Why, now, who do you think they are?" said the admiral.
"Think!" said I, "why, who should they be but your Yankee cousins?"
"Why, was you such a damn flat as to believe what I said, eh? Why,their father keeps a shop of all sorts at Philadelphia, and they weregoing to New York on a visit to some of their relatives, when the shipthey were in was taken and brought in here."
"Then," said I, "these are not the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia?"
"Just as much as Nancy Dennis is the _bon ton_ of Halifax," said theadmiral; "though the uncle, as I told you, is a sensible fellow in hisway."
"Very well," said I, "you have caught me for once; but remember, I payyou for it."
And I was not long in his debt. Had he not given me this explanation, Ishould have received a very false impression of the ladies ofPhiladelphia, and have done them an injustice for which I should neverhave forgiven myself.
The time of our sailing drew near. This was always a melancholy time inHalifax; but my last act on shore was one which created some mirth, andenlivened the gloom of my departure. My friend Ned and myself had notyet had an opportunity of paying off Sir Hurricane Humbug for tellingtales to Maria, and for his false introduction to myself. One morningwe both came out of our rooms at the same moment, and were proceeding tothe breakfast parlour, when we spied the admiral performing someexperiment. Unfortunately for him, he was seated in such a manner, justclear of a pent-house, as to be visible from our position; and at thesame time, the collar of his coat would exactly intersect the segment ofa circle described by any fluid, projected by us over this low roof,which would thus act as a conductor into the very pole of his neck.
The housemaid (these housemaids are always the cause or the instrumentsof mischief, either by design or neglect) had left standing near thewindow a pail nearly filled with dirty water, from the wash-hand basins,etcetera. Ned and I looked at each other, then at the pail, and then atthe admiral. Ned thought of his Maria: I of my false introduction.Without saying a word we both laid our hands on the pail, and in aninstant, souse went all the contents over the admiral.
"I say, what's this?" he roared out. "Oh, you damned rascals!"
He knew it could only be us. We laughed so immoderately, that we hadnot the power to move or to speak; while the poor admiral was spitting,spluttering, and coughing, enough to bring his heart up.
"You infernal villains! No respect for a flag officer? I'll serve youout for this."
The tears rolled down our cheeks; but not with grief. As soon as theadmiral had sufficiently recovered himself to go in pursuit, we thoughtit time to make sail. We knew we were discovered; and as the mattercould not be made worse, we resolved to tell him what it was for. Nedbegan,--"How do you do, admiral? you have taken a shower-bath thismorning."
He looked up, with his teeth clenched--"Oh, it's you, is it? Yes, Ithought it could be no one else. Yes, I have had a shower-bath, and bedamned to you, and that sea devil of a friend of yours. Pretty pass theservice has come to, when officers of my rank are treated in this way.I'll make you both envy the tom-cat."
"Beware the housekeeper, admiral," said Ned. "Maria has made it up withme, admiral, and she sends her love to you."
"Damn Maria."
"Oh, very well, I'll tell her so," said Ned.
"Admiral," said I, "do you remember when you sent the --- to sea in agale of wind, when I was midshipman of her? Well, I got just as wetthat night as you are now. Pray, admiral, have you any commands to theMisses McFlinn?"
"I'll tell you when I catch hold of you," said Sir Hurricane, as hemoved upstairs to his room, dripping like Pope's Lodona, only notsmelling so sweet.
Hearing a noise, the housekeeper came up, and all the family assembledto condole with the humid admiral, but each enjoying the joke as much asourselves. We, however, paid rather dearly for it. The admiral sworethat neither of us should eat or drink in the house for three days; andNed's father, though ready to burst with laughter, was forced in commondecency to say that he thought the admiral perfectly right after sogross a violation of hospitality.
I went and dined on board my ship, Ned went to a coffee-house; but onthe third morning after the shower, I popped my head into the breakfastparlour, and said--
"Admiral, I have a good story to tell you, if you will let me come in."
"I'd see you damned first, you young scum of a fish-pond. Be off, orI'll shy the ham at your head."
"No, but indeed, my dear admiral, it is such a nice story; it is onejust to your fancy."
"Well then, stand there and tell it, but don't come in, for if you do--"
I stood at the door and told him the story.
"Well, now," said he, "that is a good story, and I will forgive you forit." So with a hearty laugh at my ingenuity, he promised to forgive usboth, and I ran and fetched Ned to breakfast.
This was the safest mode we could have adopted to get into favour, forthe admiral was a powerful, gigantic fellow, that could have given ussome very awkward squeezes. The peace was very honourably kept, and thenext day the ship sailed.
Frank Mildmay; Or, the Naval Officer Page 24