by Sean Covey
It will always be.”
For Angela, her misfortunes did come to an end. She later wrote, “A few weeks later, I started going to a different youth group and eventually found a wonderful group of friends. I have some wonderful memories from the rest of my high school years; I just had a rough time starting out.”
BUILD THE RBA
The amount of trust you have in a relationship is like a checking account at a bank. I call it the Relationship Bank Account or RBA. If you make lots of small deposits with your friends by being thoughtful, loyal, and other such things, you’ll develop high trust, or a high RBA. If you make lots of withdrawals, by being rude, disloyal, and the like, you’ll deplete your RBA.
Pretend you have an RBA balance of $500 with your friend Allie. On Monday, when you see her new haircut, you blurt out in front of everyone, “Allie. Your hair! I’m so sorry!” Nice work. You just took a $200 withdrawal from your RBA with Allie. Your balance is down to $300.
On Wednesday, in an attempt to be funny, you ask her in front of her boyfriend if her hemorrhoids are still painful. He doesn’t think it’s funny and Allie turns bright red. Again, you made another $200 withdrawal and you’re down to $100 in your RBA. If you keep it up, you’ll actually go in the hole. You begin to feel a strain on your normally close relationship.
So, you look for chances to make deposits. On Friday, you get your chance. At one in the morning, after the dance, Allie sends you a text. After a few minutes of chitchat, she opens up and starts telling you about how her boyfriend spent the night flirting with another girl. Although you’re exhausted and have to get up early for practice, you make a genuine effort to read and respond to each and every message, even if only with the appropriate emojis.
In the end, you both agree that maybe she should start dating other guys. She hangs up feeling a huge weight lifted off her shoulders and grateful to have a friend she can talk to.
Bingo! You just made an enormous deposit of $500 bringing your balance up to $600. Your relationship can now withstand the normal, small withdrawals that we all make from time to time (sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident).
Can you begin to see how to build friendships?
Here is a list of five key deposits you can make to build a friendship. With each deposit, there is a counterwithdrawal.
DEPOSITS
WITHDRAWALS
+ Do small acts of kindness
- Do little mean things
+ Say you’re sorry
- Be too proud to apologize
+ Be loyal
- Gossip and talk behind people’s backs
+ Keep promises
- Break promises
+ Listen a lot
- Talk too much
The deposit that wins the most brownie points with friends is to listen. This is Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. You see, everyone wants to be understood; it’s the greatest need of the heart and the foundation of all good communication. Never forget that we each have two ears and one mouth—use them accordingly.
Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Good friends listen to what you don’t say.
MAKE YOURSELF MORE LIKABLE
You can’t make people like you, but you can always make yourself more likable. How? By becoming aware of your weaknesses and trying to improve those you can do something about.
I like how author John Bytheway writes about it.
In driver’s education classes, students are constantly warned about “blind spots”—places where other cars may be hiding that you can’t see, even with your rearview mirrors! It might be a good idea for each of us to find an adult we trust and ask for help in identifying our personal “blind spots.” Simply ask, “If you ever notice anything that I’m doing that might make it harder for me to make friends, would you please tell me about it?” It might take some humility, but it might also help you see some things that will help you.
One time, I remember my dad sitting me down and letting me know about one of my blind spots. He told me that I had the habit of leaving messes everywhere, or temporizing, as he called it. If I ate a snack in the kitchen, for example, I’d leave a big trail of evidence behind. He warned me that it was a pattern I needed to change or it could carry over into other areas. It only hurt a little, but I was glad to learn about a blind spot I never knew I had.
If you’re struggling to make friends or even if you have a lot of friends, it may be helpful to take an honest look at yourself to see if you’re someone you’d like to be around. From time to time, ask yourself the following questions and make adjustments if needed.
• Have you been told that you’re obnoxious, too loud, inappropriate, or just won’t shut up?
• Do you ask people about their lives, or is it always about you? Can those around you barely get a word in?
• Could you practice better hygiene, bathe more often, use deodorant, or wash your hair and clothes more frequently?
• Do you dress appropriately? Are your clothes too skimpy, too outdated, too bizarre? Do you wear too much makeup? Or could you use a little?
• Do you think you’re better than everyone else? Or, are you always putting yourself down by talking about what a loser you are and how everyone hates you?
• Do you take yourself way too seriously or do you always have to be funny and make everything a joke?
When it comes to making yourself more likable, focus on things you can control, not on the things you can’t. You can’t control your height, your features, or your general body type. But you can control your personal hygiene, how fit you are, your mannerisms, your dress, and the way you carry yourself. Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr summed it up well.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
BE INCLUSIVE
Do you remember Angela’s story about struggling to make friends? Well, when she entered college, the tables were turned when someone tried to break into her newly formed group.
When I went to college I met Leslie who became my lifetime friend, even to this day. Finally, I had a close girlfriend I could tell my secrets to and share clothes with. We also made friends with two great guys who were fun and looked out for us like brothers. The four of us became inseparable.
There was another girl, named Alyssa, who really wanted to be a part of our group. I’m not sure why I was so against it. I think I was fearful that she would come in and take my place.
One day in the cafeteria, the four of us sat down at a table. Alyssa found us and asked if she could sit with us. Feeling pressured, I said “yes,” but I had mixed feelings about it.
Alyssa pulled up a chair at the end of the table and was made to feel different and uncomfortable just by her position at the table. Throughout the meal we basically ignored her, and talked and laughed to each other about things only the four of us knew about.
Later, Alyssa found me and said she had made a mistake trying to sit with us. She said that we had made it clear that we didn’t want her around. After she left I felt like crying. I couldn’t believe I had made another person feel so bad. And the worst thing was, I knew how she felt and I still did it. She was desperately lonely. Yet I had not been secure enough to share my friendship with her for fear of losing what I had.
Right then I made a commitment to myself that I would never make another person feel like they didn’t belong again. Since that day, whenever I see someone who looks uncomfortable in their surroundings, I go out of my way to introduce myself and do what I can to make them feel at ease.
You may be enjoying the security of a close-knit group of friends right now without realizing there are people on the outside wanting in. Even the kids who seem to have everything often feel insecure. Katie is a good example.
I remember the faces in the stands and the sounds of the band playing as I walked down the field.
It was the homecoming football game and I had been nominated for homecoming queen. When they announced me as the winner, I have never felt such a mixture of happiness and loneliness.
The next night was the homecoming dance but I didn’t have a date. What was wrong with me? How could people vote for me and yet not one guy wanted to take me to the dance?
I remember almost resenting the crown as it was placed on my head and spent a miserable night at the homecoming dance. I left early and went to my friend Lindsey’s house, feeling sorry for myself. However, when I arrived, I was welcomed with such warm smiles and friendly faces I couldn’t help but smile myself. We had so much fun that night, just the girls, that it changed the whole feeling about one of the worst nights of my life.
Emily Dickinson wrote:
They might not need me—yet they might—
I’ll let my Heart be just in sight—
A smile so small as mine might be—
Precisely their necessity—
Katie’s friends may never know that their smiles were precisely the necessity that saved Katie from a depressing night.
Be inclusive when it comes to friends. Open your heart and let others in.
TREAT UNKINDNESS WITH KINDNESS
How often do you hear, “Why should I be nice to him when he’s so rude to me?” It’s easy to be nice to people who are nice to you. Anyone can do that. The real challenge is being nice to the mean, treating unkindness with kindness. But it works wonders.
In Romania, a girl named Iulia was new at her school and received a lot of attention because of it. This made some of the more popular girls jealous, so they sabotaged her. They began gossiping about Iulia and spreading ugly rumors. They purposely excluded her from their activities and made sure she knew that she wasn’t welcome in their group.
This made Iulia’s life so miserable that she wondered if she should transfer to another school. But one girl, Catalina, tried to be a friend to Iulia. Iulia had an upcoming birthday party and Catalina encouraged her to invite the very girls who were bad-mouthing her.
At first Iulia rejected this idea but, after thinking about it, she decided to show them kindness. The girls were stunned when they received an invitation inviting them to Iulia’s big birthday bash. They not only came to the party but brought flowers and gifts to apologize for what they’d done. The very girls who set out to ruin her reputation ended up loving her as a friend once they gave her a chance.
Abraham Lincoln was often criticized for trying to make friends with his enemies instead of trying to get rid of them. He replied, “Isn’t that what I’m doing when I make an enemy a friend?”
LIFT OTHERS
I know of a boy named Kyle who had grown up part of a great neighborhood group of friends. He later got mixed up with a rowdy group of kids his senior year and became too cool to hang out with his old buddies. One time, these new friends gave him a dangerous combination of drugs and dropped him off at home to suffer through a terrible trip that almost killed him.
After Kyle completed a drug rehab program, his parents asked his old friends if they’d include him in their circle again. Instead of excluding him, they welcomed him back.
At first it was uncomfortable to have him around because he dressed like a thug and constantly bragged about what he’d tried. None of these neighborhood boys were into drugs and they wanted no part of that lifestyle. But they were patient and kept inviting him to basketball games and community youth activities. Little by little he changed his ways and dress to match theirs. Soon they found common interests again in sports and rock climbing, and spent time just hanging out at each other’s houses.
A year later, thanks to his friends who rallied around him and with a lot of hard work and commitment, Kyle totally turned his life around. He even inspired his old friends to face and overcome their own challenges because they realized they were minor compared to his.
Kyle had two different groups of friends. One group tore him down and brought out the worst in him. The other built him up and brought out the best. What kind of friends do you have? The ultimate test is: Are you a better person when you’re around them?
In sports, every now and then you come across a unique athlete who can lift the play of those around them. Michael Jordan, considered the greatest basketball player of all time, had that kind of influence. Everyone played better when he was on the court. Those are the kind of friends you want. That’s also the kind of friend you want to be—someone who lifts the play of everyone around you. So occasionally, ask yourself: Are my friends making better decisions when I’m around?
I read about students at Murray High School who elected Shellie Eyre their homecoming queen. Shellie, a 17-year-old senior, was born with Down syndrome. Her first attendant, April Perschon, also had physical and mental disabilities resulting from a brain hemorrhage suffered when she was just 10 years old. When Shellie and her attendants were crowned, the gym erupted into a standing ovation.
When the cheering had stopped, the school’s vice principal said, “Tonight the students voted on inner beauty.” Parents, teachers, and students openly wept. Said one student, “I’m so happy, I cried. I think Murray High is so awesome to do this.” Now that’s a great example of a large group of friends lifting the play of everyone!
Peer Pressure
“How high are we?” I shouted at the boat below.
“About 70 feet,” they yelled back. “Let’s see ya jump.”
“I don’t know about this,” I hollered. “It looks pretty high up here.”
Here I was at Lake Powell, cliff jumping with my friends. We started at about 30 feet but kept challenging each other to go higher and higher. The pressure was intense. No one wanted to be a wimp.
“C’mon! Jump!”
Gathering all my courage, I leaped forward.
On the way down I kept thinking, “I’m such an idiot!”
When I hit, the water felt like concrete and my whole body shook violently. I clawed to the surface and gasped for air. I quickly checked and was relieved to find that all my body parts were still intact. Whew!
Peer pressure makes you do stupid things, things you wouldn’t normally do when you’re alone or thinking more clearly. In peer pressure situations, it’s almost as if you leave your brain at the door.
I remember reading about a fourteen-year-old boy from New York City who was dared by his friends to ride on top of a subway train and go “surfing.” Not wanting to disappoint, this kid climbed on top and was struck by an overhead beam that knocked him onto the opposing track where he was run over and killed by an oncoming train. Who knows what he could have made of his life?
What is peer pressure, exactly? It’s when you feel pressured by people in your age group to act a certain way. Positive peer pressure is when your friends expect good things from you. Negative peer pressure is when your friends persuade you to conform or do something you don’t want to do, like skip school, shoplift, have sex, do drugs, lie, vandalize, swear, dress a certain way, gossip, bully, and on and on.
You give in because you want to be accepted. You want to please. You don’t want to draw attention to yourself. You just want to be like everyone else.
Mette, from Denmark, told how she felt pressured to pick on someone:
Once, in high school, I went to a party with some boys from my class. At some point, a boy arrives who suffers from a disorder causing his body to retain a lot of water, so he is quite fat. The boys decide that we should draw straws for who is to go up to the boy, pat his behind and ask him why he has breasts. We draw straws, and I lose. Then I do something I have since regretted a thousand times. I feel so pressured because they would think me a lousy sport if I didn’t do it. I walk up to the boy, say it, and hurry to the washroom. The boys thought I was so cool, but I felt so bad. I have never gotten around to apologizing to the boy, and since then I haven’t had the nerve to look him in the eye. The boys still laugh about it and slap me on the back and I feel a twinge of conscience ev
ery time. Because I have been mobbed myself, I was surprised that I could even think of making someone else unhappy.
On our own, we’d never think of doing something so mean. But, in a group setting, when the pressure’s on, we check our brains at the door and do stupid things. In the film Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Professor Dumbledore says:
To stand up to your friends, you need a defense mechanism of some kind. I call it the Peer Pressure Shield. The three vital pieces are preparation, a strong support system, and showing courage in the moment.
PREPARATION
You know that yucky feeling you get when you’re about to take a test and you’re not prepared? On the other hand, doesn’t it feel great when you are?
I’m convinced we often give in to peer pressure because we are simply not prepared and haven’t thought through what to do in tough situations. Here are a few high-pressure situations you should think through right now.
TOUGH SITUATION
WHAT WILL I DO ABOUT IT?
The group starts making fun of someone.
I feel pressured to lie, cheat, or steal.
I’m offered drugs.
A boyfriend or girlfriend starts pressuring me to get more physical than I would like.
Other:
Getting clear on your goals and winning the Daily Private Victory are two other ways to prepare.