He knows me well enough now to know something is off. He hasn’t asked, but sometimes he squeezes my hand a little tighter or pulls me closer to his body.
He slips off my coat from my shoulders, hanging it on the hook in my hallway.
“Drink?” I ask.
I don’t look, but I know he’s staring at me.
“No, but I’d like you to look at me.”
I close my eyes, fighting back the tears, and pray he doesn’t ask again. This is going to be hard enough.
“Mandy, look at me,” he presses.
I square my shoulders, raising my chin to look up at him. I see a brief flash of panic cross his face before his eyes soften and a small smile creeps across his lips. He leans into me, kissing the top of my head as he takes a deep breath. I could stay this way for the rest of the night. I’m happy never moving, with his arms around my shoulders, keeping me together.
“Want to talk about it?” His voice is muffled against my hair.
“Yes,” I sigh. “But let me change first.” I back away from him, squeezing his hand before I leave for my room.
I make my way around my bedroom, switching on my lamps and closing my curtains. I hear Alex doing the same in the living room, and then the sway of soft music filters under my door.
What is he going to think? He doesn’t strike me as the type of person who will have an issue with my past, but how would I know? We’ve been dating for eight weeks. Sex is my deal-breaker. For now, at least. What’s his?
I slip off my black heels and tie my hair back, reaching for the zip at the top of my dress. It goes halfway down before it gets stuck. I yank it. Then yank it again.
“You have got to be kidding me?” I mutter, frustrated.
My arm begins to cramp from the awkward position and sweat breaks out across my brow. My head falls between my shoulders, defeated.
“Alex,” I call.
“Uh, huh?”
I hear his footsteps coming down the hall. I called for him, yet he still knocked before opening the door.
Always the gentleman
He smirks, his eyes playing over my face. I’m sure I look crazy.
“I need help.” I frown, putting my lower lip over my top one. “I’m stuck.” I turn around, showing him the zipper.
He chuckles, his eyes growing bright as he steps inside the room. His heat at my back makes my stomach do somersaults, and my skin zings with anticipation.
“Baby,” he says, pressing his lips to my neck. My head falls back on his chest. “If there’s anything I am going to be good at, it’s getting you out of a dress.”
I huff, pushing my back against him. “Open the damn dress,” I order, not stopping the giggle. “And don’t rip it,” I warn, knowing his hands can cause damage to delicate material.
“Spoilt sport.”
Carefully, he pulls the zipper back up, closing me in before slowly–painfully slowly–unzipping it. I feel the air hit each inch of my skin as he makes his way downwards, and I shiver as his fingers graze my bare skin. I gulp dryly, my chest rising and falling as he stiffens at my back. The dress slips off my shoulders, and I catch it at my breasts, holding it in place. I don’t want to lead him on, but I also don’t want him to stop touching me.
I don’t know what I want anymore.
“Alex,” I breathe, turning around to face him.
He runs his hands over my shoulders and down my arms.
“I know.” And nothing but understanding shows in his gaze. “I’ll be outside.”
I wait until he’s far enough to expel the breath I am holding, and a single tear falls from the corner of my eye.
I didn’t mean to fall for him so quickly, but my heart twists painfully, suffocating me, and depriving me of air. That’s not how it always feels. That’s how it is when the fear of losing him creeps to the forefront of my mind.
I change quickly into my sleep shorts and t-shirt and make my way to the living room. He’s sitting on the couch, leaning forward, his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands. When he hears me, his head shoots up, and he replaces the worry in his eyes with a reassuring smile. He catches himself before his eyes reach my legs. Rarely, but sometimes even Alex fails in his attempts at being a gentleman. He’s a man after all and sometimes those needs take over.
He doesn’t question me when I take the chair opposite him. I want the comfort of him close, but we need the space. His touch makes me forget things.
“Okay,” I say, and curl my legs under my body.
“Mandy, you’re killing me,” he blurts.
I cross my arms over my chest as I sit back.
Strap yourself in, sweetheart. You’re in for a wild ride.
“I’m sorry. I need to tell you some things.”
His hands ball into fists and then release again, his knuckles turning momentarily white. He’s not angry. He’s out of his mind with worry. Sometimes, I think Alex would prefer if he could fold me up and carry me around with him every day. He’s a fixer and fiercely protective of those he cares about. It’s one reason I’m falling so hard, and why I’m petrified of saying what I’m about to say.
“I gathered that much.” He half-smiles, his elbows still resting on his thighs, but his shoulders are tense.
“Let me get this out. Don’t stop me, and you can tell me all your thoughts at the end. But if you stop me, I’ll lose all courage.” I try to smile when I say, “Ignore any tears.”
His brows furrow and he pinches the bridge of his nose.
I need to get a move on before I give him a heart attack.
He nods, eager for me to keep going.
“I never expected for this to get so intense so quickly. And it’s not a bad thing,” I quickly correct, afraid he thinks this is his fault. It isn’t about him. Not really. “And if we are moving how I think we are, you deserve to know the person you are doing it with.” I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with some well-needed oxygen.
“As you already know, I’ve been friends with Garry and Claire since we were kids. We went to school together. But it wasn’t always the three of us.”
“Nick?” He nods, saying his name like he once knew him.
My eyes widen and my heart pounds at the mention of his name. It was oddly uncomfortable when Alex said it.
“I don’t know his story, but Garry mentioned him,” he explains.
Oh. My shoulders relax back into the chair again.
“Yes. But when I was fourteen, we became a little more than friends.”
I’m expecting him to say something, but he doesn’t. He stares at me attentively. I look down at my t-shirt, playing with a loose thread while I continue. “He was my first kiss. He was my first everything,” I say slowly, blushing, and becoming suddenly shy. “We went to the same university and because it was local, we all stayed at home while studying. I was nineteen, and it was our second year of college. I remember it was a hectic week for us both, so we didn’t see each other for a couple of days. We planned to go on a date that weekend. Dinner and a movie.” I shrug, remembering how simple it was and how easy we were. “He was running a little late, and he called to let me know. I didn’t pick up, and I still can’t remember what I was doing that was so important I couldn’t pick up the phone.” Tears overflow and tickle my cheeks as they lull and then splash onto my hand. I wipe them, but it’s no use, more fall in their place. I need to get this part of the story out before I tell him the rest. I need him to understand.
He shifts in his seat, and I know it’s because he hates seeing me upset, but I asked him not to interrupt. The air around me turns cold and I wrap my arms around myself.
“I checked the voicemail after he called. He told me he was on his way, and we had time to grab a bite to eat first. But then everything changed. He mentioned the car ahead was swerving on the road. He assumed they were drunk, so he told me he loved me and said he had to go.” I try to shake the memories from my head because the next part of the voicemail still haunts me. “Then h
e said he forgot to tell me something. And that’s when I heard a scream and then lots of banging and moaning. Then there was nothing. The voicemail was still running, but it was silent, and that silence was the loudest thing I’ve ever heard.” I blow out a breath in my best attempts to calm the trembling of my body. “He survived the initial crash, and there was hope again. But all that time, he was slowly bleeding internally. It was something so small that everyone missed it. They couldn’t restore the oxygen to the brain in time.” I rub my palms down my arms to get heat in my body. “He wrote a letter that week. I’m not sure if deep down he knew what was going to happen or if he was being cautious, but he made me his next of kin, so I decided to switch off his life support.” I don’t look at Alex. I can’t bear it.
“It’s a strange type of guilt to end someone’s life when all that is left is a body. I should have fought harder for him. I wish every day I had, and I’ve carried him with me for over six years.”
I stand, going to the sofa and sitting close to him, feeling like he needs me as much as I need him. He needs to know it’s difficult to speak about, but I’m okay. I reach out, tangling my fingers in his.
“Alex, I’m telling you this, because Nick is the only other person I’ve ever been with. I’ve tried to date once or twice, but it never got past me running away from dinner. I’ve never slept with anyone else. I’ve never even kissed somebody else. Nick has been with me for so long, I can’t get past feeling like I’m betraying him. And I want you so badly, but I want to be sure I’m ready.” I squeeze his hand. The tears flowing from my eyes come for a different reason. They are sorrowful tears for Nick but mixed in there now is Alex, and everything he makes me feel.
I bring my eyes up to meet him, hoping he can see how much this means to me. “I’ve never felt anything for anyone else. Until you.”
His eyes become wild, and his breathing is as heavy as mine, matching every shallow breath.
“I just need a little time. I don’t want to scare you every time I get nervous. I’m a little scared of what it will open me up to. So many times, I’ve wanted to tell you to stay. Stay here with me for a night, like a normal couple, but too afraid to tell you why nothing can happen beyond that. So, I understand if you can’t wait. You shouldn’t have to hang around for me.” I’m rambling, but I can’t stop talking. I’m sitting here with a man who is giving me everything and I am giving him every excuse to walk away.
“Are you done?” he finally speaks, interrupting my word vomit.
I nod while wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“Mandy, I won’t pretend like I know what it was like for you. I wasn’t there. I didn’t know, Nick. But I don’t think he’d want you living your life with this guilt. Guilt you have no reason to feel.” He curls his fingers under my chin, so my eyes meet his again. “None of what happened was your fault.” He brushes his thumb across my jaw.
It doesn’t feel that way.
“I’m not what you want.” Maybe he doesn’t know it yet, but it’s true.
His body stiffens, and he curses under his breath. “No.” He shakes his head, and my heart fills with tiny shards of ice. “You’re more than what I want. You’re what I need.”
A sting prickles the back of my throat, and when I close my eyes, more tears fall down my sticky cheeks. His reaction isn’t what I expected, and at that moment, I fall into him a little deeper. Cautiously holding onto the hope, he can accept more.
As if reading my mind, he says, “Is that what you’re worried about? You’re worried I’ll leave?”
I nod, unable to take my eyes away from him.
“You think I’ll get scared because you once loved somebody so much it took you six years to meet someone else? You think I’ll run because the person you chose was me?” He rubs the tears away from my face with his thumb. “Mandy, none of it makes me want to run away. Never. I don’t know how it’s possible, but you’re suddenly more amazing than you were ten minutes ago. You’re strong, and you’re-”
“Alex.” I stop him, closing my eyes.
There’s more.
There’s so much more.
I have to say it.
I need to get it out.
Goddammit, just say it.
As I open my mouth, his lips press against mine, swallowing the words I need to say. And just like that, they slip away, melting into him until they disappear.
“Come here,” he murmurs against me, his voice commanding as he lifts me and puts me across his lap. “I’m not here to get you into bed, Mandy. And I’m not a caveman. I can share a bed with you without needing to have sex. Couples do it all the time.” He laughs, breaking the tension, and the sound swirls in my stomach like a warm drink.
I wipe my face again, laughing with him through sniffles, and lie my head on his shoulder as he rubs his hand up and down the outside of my thigh. His touch brings me the relief I have craved all day.
“I won’t lie, you’re sexy as hell, but I’m a grown man. I can control myself.” He moves his hands to either side of my head, forcing me to look at him. “I’m not going anywhere. You take the lead, and I will follow.”
Tonight, this is enough. The rest must be told, but I want to hold on to him a little while longer.
So, later, when he kissed me to leave, I grabbed the inside of his elbow. Everything in my body knew I would crumble if he walked out the door.
“Stay.” I’m not sure where the strength in my voice came from, but he simply smiled through a long breath, his shoulders relaxing as if he was waiting for the word all night.
He undressed, climbed into bed next to me, and pulled me closer. My head rested on his chest and I fell asleep to the thumps of his heart. The only heartbeat I had fallen asleep listening to in six years, and each beat carved away at what barriers I had left.
***
The clouds are black like coal and the ocean looks murky. The sand below my feet feels unstable, and the wind has a bitter edge that cuts right through me. A single, ice-cold raindrop falls onto my lips, distracting me from the concentration I have on the movement of the ghostly clouds.
“Who is he?”
I jerk a little before twisting my head towards the familiar voice. His black hair is perfect; his brown eyes are lustrous but the stern lines on his forehead show he isn’t pleased. He looks hurt and disappointed.
I want him to know that I, too, am not pleased.
“Where the hell have you been?” I snap, anger boiling in my throat.
“I asked you a question, Mandy?”
“And I asked you one, Nick?” But he remains silent.
He’s also very stubborn. We won’t get anywhere shouting at each other, so I give in, as I always do.
“Who’s who?” I question, knowing exactly who he’s talking about. I want to buy myself time.
How am I going to explain this?
“Oh, come on, Mandy. He’s sleeping in your bed. If you still don’t know who he is, I’d say you have changed from the girl I once knew.”
I’m a little hurt by that.
“How dare you? You think because you show up every time you feel like it, you get to dictate who I am. Screw you, Nick. It’s none of your business who is in my bed.”
Ugh, he makes my blood boil sometimes. Who the hell does he think he is?
“You’re right. It is none of my business. But it’s a simple question.”
“In your ‘I mean business’ type of voice,” I defend.
“I’m dead, love. How much business could I mean?”
He shines a breathtaking smile at me and that’s it. I’ve melted.
“Damn you,” I curse, not able to keep the grin edging on my lips. “His name is-”
“Alex,” he answers before I can.
My eyes narrow as I stare at him.
“I know who he is. I wanted to make sure of the look in your eyes when you thought about him.”
“What look?” I sound terrified, like he has caught me cheating. But I can
’t cheat on a dead guy, can I?
“The way you used to look at me.”
My heart crushes to a thousand pieces and tears mist my eyes.
“I’m glad you are moving on. I want to see you happy again.”
Something inside pains at my chest.
“You know it would be a lot easier to move on if you stopped turning up in my dreams like this.”
“You keep me here.”
“But I can’t control what I dream.”
“Neither can I. I’m not going anywhere until you let me go.”
I smile then. “Never it is. Not until you tell me what it was you wanted to say before the accident.”
I always ask and I always get the same reply. Silence.
He chuckles under his breath before turning his head where he becomes fixated on something. His eyes gleam with pride, longing, and what kills me most—disappointment.
“Beautiful.”
I follow his gaze across the sand. There’s a patter of little feet in front of the crashing waves and small footprints make a path in the sand. Short black hair blows lazily in the wind, falling against perfect porcelain skin.
My heart stops.
So tiny. Fragile. Beautiful.
My pulse quickens and tears fall from my eyes. I turn to look at Nick, and I’ve never seen two people look so alike. My breath catches in my throat at the picture of truth running towards me.
He looks back at me and blood is pouring from the open gash on his forehead. He’s pale and his eyes are dull.
Not again.
He runs a bloodied finger across my collarbone.
Lightning flashes in the distance.
“Regrets?” he asks, and a sob makes my throat tighten.
“Don’t go,” I beg.
“I was never here. Regrets?” he asks again.
Why is he doing this?
I cast my eyes down to my fingers as they clutch at the sand, but I can’t get a grip and the grains seep between my fingers.
I swallow before answering, “Every day.”
***
“Mandy! Baby, wake up.”
My body shakes a little until my eyelids become like repelling magnets, flying open to a concerned look that penetrates through my skin. He releases his tight grip from my wrists to wipe away the tears cascading down my cheeks.
Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series) Page 9