I tuck my hair behind my ears and muster up the nerve to ask, “Why didn’t you tell me about Lydia’s will?” I wrap my hands around the coffee cup, trying my best to get heat from somewhere because he is showing only ice.
“I wasn’t sure if I wanted to agree to it,” he answers honestly, and as much as it hurts, I’m grateful for it. “But it’s what’s best for Ava, and she’s the only one who matters.”
I nod my head in agreement.
“Thank you,” I whisper. It isn’t enough, but words will never describe how grateful I am.
“I’m not doing it for you.”
“I know.”
His hand balls in a fist before releasing again and running his fingers through his hair.
“What happened last night,” he begins, shaking his head. My entire body clams up. “It shouldn’t have. It won’t happen again.”
I close my eyes, fighting the tears that are coming. I know it can never happen again. I don’t want it like that. But here he is, finishing the parts last night didn’t, and closing his heart to me completely.
“I know,” I say again, allowing myself a breath.
“Jesus Christ, Mandy,” he yells through clenched teeth, pushing his chair back and going to the counter. He leans against it, his head falling between his shoulders. “I need more. I need you to say something else other than ‘I know’.”
“But I don’t know what to say to you, Alex. I know this is finished. I know it can’t happen again. I know we need to have this conversation to put a close to things because we can’t end it with whatever that fucked up goodbye was last night.”
He flinches, but I need to say it. We both need to accept we will be part of each other’s lives forever, just not in the way we both expected a year ago.
“I know.” Now he is the one to say it, and the irony isn’t lost on me. He stands straight, his eyes becoming softer with each steady breath. “Why didn’t you just say something, Mandy?”
“Does it matter? Would it have mattered then? Eventually, we were going to realize something. And what then? Would we not be here anyway, if I told you sooner? But Ava needs us. Both of us. She needs simple. Not us fighting with feelings and bitterness because of what could have been. We need to do it for her because God knows the little girl has suffered enough.”
His eyes widen. “Don’t you know you have something to do with that? Because my sister stepped in and became the mother you never were.”
I know he wants to hurt me. He wants me to feel what he is feeling. But he doesn’t realize, I’ve already hurt more than he will ever know. I have over seven years of hurt. But his words seem to cut somewhere I wasn’t hurt before, and that part of me just started bleeding out.
I want to scream at him. I want to hit him. I want to roll up in a ball and hide. I want to do all of that. But most of all, I want to go back in time and stop him from saying what he said.
“Alex, every day since the morning I allowed someone to take her from my arms, I’ve known. She was mine until she wasn’t anymore. I will never replace Lydia in Ava’s life. She was her mother.” I put my cup down and swallow to steady my voice. “I knew coming back into her life would reopen wounds for everyone. As much as I would have given my life to set eyes on her. Just once. I never expected to see her again.” I throw my arms out wide. “But here I am. Whatever I did to have her back, I don’t know, but I’m beyond grateful. I know your sister was her mother, but so am I. So, whatever you want to throw at me to hurt me, be my guest. But I’m not leaving her again. And I don’t need you reminding me of what I’ve caused because I’ve lived with it every day.” Standing, I wipe away the moisture that has fallen onto my cheeks.
I can’t hold back any longer. He may be angry, but I am too. I’m angry at him for walking away and not asking these questions before.
I’m angry because he gave up.
“So, fuck you, Alex. Fuck you and the way you look at me now.”
His head jolts up, shocked I’m the one getting angry with him.
“I didn’t give her up out of lack of love. I gave her up because I loved her with every part of me. Have I regretted it every day since? You know I have. Giving her up broke something in me not even you could put back together. She’s my everything, Alex. She always has been.”
He says nothing. He stares through with a blazing power in his eyes.
I can’t stand to see him look at me like this anymore. I need to walk away from him and get the hell out of here.
I turn away, but something stops me before I can leave the kitchen. Maybe I want him to punish me more, or maybe I can’t live with not knowing the answers.
“Will you ever forgive me, Alex? Will there be a day when I look at you and don’t see hate?”
His face drops, his mouth setting into a hard line. Something ruptures in him then, because I jump as his palm comes down hard on the countertop.
“Hate you? You think I hate you?” he snaps. His eyes roam around, and he inhales so harshly, his nostrils flare with irritation. “I hate that I’m still in love with you. I hate that I can think of nobody else. What I really hate Mandy, is I must spend a life looking at you when I can’t touch you. Because you have no idea how much I want to. But I can’t. You don’t deserve what happened last night. I won’t do that to you again.”
I wish I hadn’t asked. I want him to hate me. Somehow, it’s easier than knowing he still loves me.
“As for forgiving you. I forgave you a long time ago. You may not realize this, but you didn’t just come into my life that day in the storm. You’ve been in my life for seven years. I looked at Ava every day and thanked the amazing woman who was selfless enough to give her up. But then you came into my life like a fucking hurricane, and you changed everything I thought I already knew.”
Rounding the counter, he stalks towards me. He towers over me, but I put my hand out, placing it on his chest to stop him. If he comes any closer, I won’t be able to resist touching him more, and I need to resist him.
With eyes rimmed red, his shoulders vibrate with each hard breath.
But he doesn’t care what I want or what I’m fighting against because regardless of my efforts, he reaches his hands up to cup either side of my face. And with his touch, my sobs erupt. Uncontrollable and raw. Because I know, as long as I live, he will be the only one to touch me and cause such an effect.
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you. But I don’t know how to act with you anymore. I can’t kiss you when I want. I can’t pick you up and bring you to bed like I want. I can’t call you mine. And you were mine, Mandy.”
I’m still yours, Alex. I always will be.
Lowering his head, he leans his forehead against mine, and his thumb strokes over my lips. We’re standing here in silence, and we’re both shattering each other with every shared breath.
His lips are right there, and if I move slightly, I can press mine against them.
He strokes the skin under my eyes, catching the tears as they fall. “I’m angry because I can’t have you. But if we fuck up again, it’s not just our hearts we’ll break.”
And there it is.
He doesn’t have to say another word because, at that moment, I understand everything. It isn’t about us anymore, and he’s right.
“Alex,” I cry, leaning into the warmth of his hand.
“You need to leave, Mandy, because I want to do a lot more than kiss you, and I’ve already promised I wouldn’t do that again. But I can’t let you go, so you need to be the one to leave.”
This isn’t goodbye. I’ll see him again. But this is the end of what we were to each other.
I take a shaky breath before blowing it out again.
This isn’t about us, I remind myself.
This is for Ava and everything else I’ve already failed her in.
I look up under eyes filled with endless tears, knowing once I do this, my heart will never mend the same. I place my lips gently against his cheek as a single tear fal
ls from the corner of his eye.
“Goodbye, Alex.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
When I pull up outside my childhood home, I take a deep breath to calm my spiralling nerves. This should have been the first home Ava came to when she was born. It should have been where she spent the first years of her life. But she’s here now, and that’s all that matters. I can’t change the past. I know that.
It’s been three months since we agreed to joint custody, and Ava was the first to bring up meeting my family.
Our family.
As much as I wanted to show my daughter to the world, I didn’t want to pressure her. Ava suffered enough loss and pain in her young life without crowding her with strangers. But I’ve come to learn: the little girl sitting in the back seat is the strongest person I’ve ever met. We’re getting to know each other still, but the comfortable relationship of a mother and daughter is settling, natural, instinctually always present, and every day our bond molds deeper and deeper.
I discussed it with Alex when I dropped her off last week. I wanted to make sure he was comfortable with the arrangement of Ava coming to stay with me in my family’s home for a few days. He agreed, as he always does when it’s something Ava wants.
We’re civil with each other, understanding we both want what is best for Ava, and she needs it. She deserves it.
She deserves so much more, but that is all we can give her.
I still ache every time I drive away and leave them both. My house seems too cold and lonely without the giggling of my little girl to fill the space or the warmth Alex naturally brings every time he steps inside to collect her. My heart bleeds when he looks at me and can’t see anything else but the secrets I failed to tell him. I love him with everything. I always will. He has become embedded in me. Nothing will remove him. But I can’t expect him to love me back in the same way. Not now. We’ve said too much, either with our words and more so with our actions.
I called ahead, warning my mother for the umpteenth time not to overdo it. Ava will be overwhelmed enough without having a welcoming party and a house full of people. My mother agreed to everything, promising it would just be my parents and Matt.
I’m sure they’re feeling as nervous as I am. Finally, after years of wishing, but knowing, they would never set eyes on her again.
“And try not to cry too much, Mom,” I warned, but she couldn’t promise that.
“I will leave the door unlocked. We’ll wait in the back garden so we’re not crowding her.” My mother’s voice was bubbling with excitement, and I appreciated the amount of thought she was putting into this meeting.
“My tummy feels funny.” Ava reaches for my hand as we get out of the car. “But I think it’s because I’m excited,” she says, smiling.
“My tummy feels funny too.” I hug her closer, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. “This way.” I guide her through the front door and down the hallway. I hear hushed chatter in the garden through the open back doors.
Ava squeezes my hand a little tighter.
“We’re here,” I call out, not wanting to surprise them too much.
My mother squeals and my heart begins pounding viciously. If I’m like this, I can’t imagine how Ava is feeling.
As we round the door, hesitantly stepping out into the garden, they’ve lined up, and I’m sure no one is breathing. My mother’s hand shoots over her mouth as Ava steps out from behind me.
But no tears.
Not yet anyway.
She’s fighting hard with herself.
Half of Ava’s body is hiding behind me, as if using me as her shield.
I will always be her shield.
“Guys,” I say, tears coming to me now. I never thought I would see this day. “This is Ava.”
Ava’s smile widens as she steps out in front of me, her body swaying from side to side. I admire her confidence and promise I’ll always do my best to protect it.
Afraid to speak, together they take a step closer.
“Ava, this is my mom and dad. And this is my brother Matt.”
“Hi.” Her voice pipes up and she flashes them that breathtaking smile of hers.
“Hey Ava,” they all say in unison.
My mother kneels, allowing some space between them.
“Hey, precious girl.” Her eyes well up, but I don’t mind. She can feel this. My mother can embrace this moment, and I don’t blame her if she blubbers until she can’t speak. But she doesn’t. Somehow, she controls her tears before they fall. Instead, it’s my father’s eyes that have become red, and he coughs through a sob.
“Hey, Grandma.”
My mother’s gasp tears my heart to shreds. Neither of us expected that. This little girl embraces all the love given to her.
“Oh yes, I’m your grandma, sweetheart.”
“I’ve never had a grandma before. And Grandad.” Ava’s eyes look up at my father. She’s controlling this situation completely, and I’m in complete awe of her. She doesn’t need my help. I wish Alex was here to see it. “You have grey hair like my other grandad. I like it.” She giggles, her cheeks blushing a soft pink.
My father’s tears are endless, slipping down his face.
“Thank you, little lady.” His voice sounds tight, and he places his hand over his mouth.
Then my eyes move to Matt. And I wish I could reach out and hug him because he looks petrified. Proud but petrified.
So, I do. I walk to his side, slipping under his arm to hug him. He smiles down at me, and his shoulders visibly relax.
“She’s amazing,” he breathes.
“I know. And you’ll have this with your baby soon.” Any day, Suzie is due to give birth.
“You’re Mommy’s brother,” Ava states, very matter of fact. “That means you’re my uncle, right?”
He leaves my side and kneels next to our mother.
“That’s right. I’m Uncle Matt, and I’m the one that’s going to get you in trouble.” He winks, beaming at her.
Ava laughs loudly, and suddenly, I see how much her mischievous eyes resemble Matt’s.
“I got you something,” he says. “Would you like to see it?”
“Yes, please,” she squeals, and when Matt guides her to the table at the bottom of the garden, she reaches up and takes his hand. His smile disappears and his eyes almost pop out of his head. When he looks back at me, I know exactly what he’s feeling. I had it too the first time Ava reached for my hand.
He covers the top of her hand with his other one, both his palms wrapped around her fingers in a silent appreciation for such a simple gesture. And I know from the look in his eyes, Ava has already wrapped him around one of those little fingers, and that is where she will always keep him.
My parents come to my side, putting their arms around my waist as we watch Matt and Ava walking hand in hand. There’s sorrow that comes with watching the scene unfold. This shouldn’t be the first time they are doing this. But the joy overpowers any sadness because no matter what my regrets are, they are doing it now, and that is hope coming to fruition.
Matt flips a switch on a small white machine and bubbles fly out, floating around Ava and covering the air around us.
Her eyes become bigger, and a giggling scream escapes her.
“Mom,” she gasps, breathless. “Uncle Matt got me a bubble machine.”
We laugh at her excitement.
She makes everyone happy.
Ava makes everyone whole again.
And in the space of a minute, Ava becomes the centre of their entire universe, as she is mine. My heart feels so swollen, I think it might burst.
Later, when Matt hesitates about Ava painting his nails, she looks up at him with those enormous eyes of hers and says, “But Uncle Alex always lets me paint his nails.” Not to be outdone by Alex, he happily agrees. After all, he’s competing for the title of World’s Best Uncle here. And although I won’t ruin his hopes by saying Alex would win every time, by also being a father to Ava, I happily wat
ch anyway as they bond over pink nail polish.
When it’s time for Ava to go to bed, she goes to each of them, hugging them tightly, her little arms spreading so much love and mending broken hearts. They all embrace her a little longer, holding onto the feeling of having her back in their lives.
I tuck her into bed, handing her the grey bunny to cuddle, and lay down beside her.
“You must be tired. You had a big day today.” I brush her hair away from her face.
“It was so much fun.” She smiles, her lips breaking into a yawn at the same time.
“Can I meet my dad’s family soon too?”
My heart twists. How I would have loved for Nick to set eyes on her. God, he would have adored her.
“If you’d like to. I can arrange it for the next time we visit. I’m sure they would love to meet you.”
Ava nods. “I’d like to,” she simply answers.
I hate it will take so long for them to meet her, but all of this had to be on Ava’s terms. There are so many situations that happened in her life she didn’t have a voice in. I’m determined to give her control of this one.
“I have a big family now.” Her eyes roam around the room as her nose scrunches up. Somewhere in her mind, she’s processing something. “I like it.” She nods again, coming to a decision.
And those words alone make me feel okay about all of this. Everything is where it is meant to be. My world has fallen back on its axis.
Ava cuddles into me, laying her head on my chest.
“Goodnight, sweetheart,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head.
“Goodnight, Mom.”
I don’t intend to, but the comfort of sleep comes to me too, with my little girl still wrapped in my arms.
***
“Hey, you.”
I draw my eyes to him, standing over me with a wide smile and soft eyes. “Where have you been?”
“Around.” He shrugs.
“Are you not going to sit with me?”
His eyes narrow as his chest fills with a breath. “I’m afraid we don’t have much time today, love. Walk with me?” He reaches out his hand to help me stand up from the sand.
Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series) Page 29