by Mary Jaine
At last I stopped jetting into her, and her death grip around my waist relaxed, allowing me to collapse next to her, my heart pounding as I gasped for breath. Teruko lay back, her eyes tightly closed as her chest rose and fell as rapidly as mine, and I could see her pulse fluttering in the hollow of her throat. Gradually my racing heart slowed, and my breathing became more normal, as did hers. She opened her eyes and smiled at me, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
"Jakku-san ask me last night to show him how to make baby with me; this is how, and when he is ready, when he has remember enough of me, we will make many babies together!"
She gently pulled me closer, and kissed me softly on the lips, blinking away the tears that had gathered in her eyes and smiling brightly.
"And now we must get up, visitor come soon, friend Harry bringing Sai Fong, we go for short walk, show you around, you like?"
I nodded, so she led me to the bathroom where we shared a quick but satisfying shower, then Teruko helped me towel off while I dried her, a very rewarding experience!
She was just drying her hair when the door-bell rang, but she dropped the dryer and went to answer it, and I heard Sai Fong's voice as she greeted Teruko. The two of them disappeared into the sitting room while I finished dressing, taking my time as I was still a little wobbly on my feet. At last, dressed and brushed, I went to walk into the sitting-room, when something made me stop and listen to the low-voiced conversation between Teruko and Sai Fong as they made breakfast in the tiny kitchenette.
Teruko was talking, and I could hear the tears in her voice as she lamented the fact that so much of me wasn't there anymore, that a stranger who looked like me was in her home, and my heart wrenched inside me; why couldn't I at least be allowed to remember and feel for her what she was feeling for me? She sounded heartbroken, all her bravado in the bedroom, when she was alone with me, was for my benefit; in reality, she was still alone; the Jack she knew was gone, maybe permanently, and there was a stranger left in his place.
I guessed I was slowly falling in love with her all over again, but right now, all I had for certain was attraction, God was I attracted to her, but there was no 'Teruko, my girlfriend' file in my head, and she knew there was no trace of her in my mind, nothing of the life we'd had before except my fragmentary dream images and quick unexpected flash images of her in different outfits, or naked, her eyes on mine, or smiling at me, or asleep against me...
"Ssshh, baby, don't, it will be alright, I promise you!" soothed Sai Fong. "Jack is still Jack; I remember him from when I was younger, and there's still an awful lot of him there, things he does or says, the way he moves or sits that tell me "That's Jack Cameron!" Don't try so hard; he'll come around eventually, when he stops being so scared!"
"Jakku-san is frightened?" I heard Teruko say, her voice sharp and wondering.
"Teruko, think about it," said Sai Fong, "He's only a couple of weeks old, all he knows is what you've told him; he tries to hide it, but he's probably petrified, I know I would be!"
Teruko sobbed.
"Taoists say be careful what you wish for, I wish too hard, and now the gods punish me!"
Sai Fong laughed, a silvery tinkling laugh.
"Don't be so silly; no-one's punishing you! Take it easy with him, and give him a chance; Jack was crazy about you, eventually he'll remember that; you don't easily forget something that's so much a part of who you are; it will all come back to him, just give him a chance!"
Teruko sighed.
"I never think it be so hard to love older brother so much, is it same for you?"
What? Did she say 'Brother'? I was her brother? Oh my God...
"Teruko, I fell in love the first day I saw Harry, the day he and dad picked me up from Birmingham Airport. I was only ten years old, but as soon as I saw him, I knew. I never cared he was my older brother, it never occurred to me to give a tinker's damn about it, all I knew was that Harry was big, and sweet, and gorgeous, and he was going to be mine one day, and I made it happen. I couldn't bear to lose him, and I don't know how I'd cope in your place, but I do know I wouldn't give up; I love him too much. Listen to me; under all that amnesia and fear and stumbling and fumbling around, Jack's still in there, and we'll all dig, and poke, and prod until we can winkle him out again, I promise you!"
I stopped listening, feeling like a voyeur, but also because my head was whirling; Teruko was my sister? How could this be? I had asked her to marry me, but she was my sister! I must have made a noise, because next thing the door swung open and Sai Fong was standing here, and Teruko in the background, just getting up from her seat.
"Jack, how are you?" she beamed, and I nodded, still stunned, confused and bemused by what I'd heard.
"I'm okay, thank you. Umm..."
"Sit down Jack; would you like a bacon sandwich?"
I nodded, and Teruko quickly pulled some bacon off the gill and buttered two slices of bread, slapped the bacon between them and cut it in half on a plate. She brought it to me and smiled down at me.
"Jakku-san, please to eat, you are very thin, sick for long time, now you need strength, please, eat!"
She trailed her fingers over my face and I flinched slightly, a minute movement, but she noticed it, and a small frown creased her smooth forehead. I schooled my features with a weak smile as I stared at her, examining her face for any trace of resemblance to me. This girl was my sister? How could that be?
I bit down into my sandwich, more for something to do than because I was still hungry. Teruko looked at me quizzically, aware that something was on my mind, then spoke to me.
"Jakku-san, what is matter, why you jump? Not be afraid, I not bite you, I promise!"
I looked up at her, and decided to take the bull by the horns.
"Teruko, Sai Fong, I overheard what you were saying just now, both of you; is it true, you're Harry's sister, and Teruko is ...is my...sister?"
Sai Fong looked at Teruko and then back at me. "Jack, I think we all need to talk; don't say anything, just listen, please."
I nodded, so she continued.
"Jack," she began, "Teruko and you...fell in love, it was unforced, it was natural, you were both happy. It was the same for Harry and me; you say you heard what I said, then you must have heard everything else as well. Jack, Harry and I are in love, I've always loved him, our father knows, and he knows that Harry and I will get married when I finish university; it was the same for you and Teruko. I know only a part of the story, why don't you let Teruko tell you the rest? Jack?"
I was looking at the expression on Teruko's face, seeing the longing and the sadness, and to be honest, I was feeling that as well, and something else; something or someone deep inside me was still desperately clamouring for her, but...my sister?
I rubbed my head, my finger absently rubbing over the faint indentation where the bullet had invaded my head and changed my life forever. I looked over at Teruko.
"How did...you and me...how...?" I stumbled, unable to ask her the question, feeling repelled, but also, strangely attracted and taken with that one fact in the middle of my confusion right now; that this beautiful Japanese girl was my sister, and that we'd been...romantically involved, lovers, prospective husband and wife.
Teruko leaned toward me, her expression serious.
"Jakku-san, you save me long time ago, you save me and bring me home, I grow in your family, your mother become my mother; but I am still your sister; that all change six month ago, we discover what we feel, we make love many time, it good, it feel right, it was right. Jakku-san say he love me, ask me marry him, I say yes, I mean it; I want to marry my Jakku-san, he the man I love, he is you, but now you not remember, I help you remember. I will stay with you, I not understand before, I very sad you not know me, Sai Fong show me what is wrong, we fix, everyone help fix this, but I will not go, Jakku-san still lost, I will help find him again!"
My head was spinning with all this, and I was in no fit state to try and make sense out of it; my world picture was still
too small, consisting solely of what I'd gleaned from conversations with Harry, Teruko, and Doctor Hunter at the hospital; watching the television was incomprehensible, the news was meaningless, the programmes I watched had no points of reference for me, I didn't know what they were talking about, the entire cultural reference library I needed to slot into this world was missing.
My head was aching now, and Teruko being so near was making it worse; I wanted her, badly, and the thought of wanting her that way repelled me, yet the thought of losing her frightened me deeply, a deep fissure of desperate need opening up in me at the thought of not having her with me; was that Jack talking to me, was it my own feelings and buried memories trying to communicate with me?
I stood up, rubbing that small indentation above my left ear again, as though it would somehow help me regain what I'd lost.
"What we did, last night, this morning? Brothers don't do that with their sisters; why did you make me do that? It was wrong, it had to be, it feels so wrong now, I feel so...so...I don't know what I feel, but I think I did something bad, and I don't know why you let me do it!"
Teruko stared at me, her expression lost, shocked, horrified, but I didn't know how to take it back, or if I should; my sister! Oh, this was bad, this was very bad! She tried to reach out to me, but I leaned back, away from her; I didn't think her touching me was such a good idea...
"Jakku-san, please...!" she started,
"Teruko, please, my head hurts, I need some fresh air. I'm going out for a walk." I paused, seeing Teruko's stricken expression, and again that conflicted feeling swirled through me.
"Will you come with me? Please? I don't know where anything is..." I asked her, not really knowing why I did; maybe I was trying to make up for the hurt I'd seen in her eyes just now...
She smiled tremulously, blinking rapidly to dissipate the tears in her eyes.
"Yes, I come with you, Jakku-san, please to put on jacket, it very cold."
She rummaged in a closet and pulled out a green waxed jacket with a padded green tartan lining and a label inside that said 'Barbour'.
"This Jakku-san favourite jacket, wear it all time!" she smiled, and I did feel a small shock of recognition as she helped me put it on. It felt loose, too big, and Teruko smiled, her lip trembling.
"Jakku-san lose so much weight, very thin, coat so big now, but always wear this before, it part of him!"
There was a pair of gloves in the pocket, and something bulky in the inner breast pocket. I took it out, it was my wallet. As I opened it, little bits started to come back. I saw Teruko giving me this, she was younger then, and there was a small picture of the two of usinside the front cover, her face pressed cheek to cheek with me to get both of us in the frame. Her face was the same, but mine was fuller, smiling, the eyes alive and sharp.
I riffled through the wallet, pulling out business cards and pieces of paper with cryptic notes and reminders scribbled on them, identity cards for somewhere or something called 'DSG', another one for someplace called 'DES Abbey Wood', and a Ministry of Defence ID card giving my place of work as 'Woolwich Arsenal'. As I looked at it, at my strained expression in the ID picture, an image of tank treads and turrets, gun barrels and a large work space with overhead cranes and bright, harsh arc-lights, and a square office with a desk and a screen, the bare blockwork walls painted white, flashed through my mind.
I looked questioningly at Teruko, and she gently took the cards and papers away from me.
"This all to do with work, you not need to worry, you on sick leave, when you better, you go back to work. Doctor at work want to see you when National Hospital finish with you, until then, this not important, ok?"
I took her hand, trying to apologise for my outburst, making her pause and smile uncertainly, tiny droplets still trembling on her eyelashes.
"Teruko, where do I work?" I asked her. She looked uncertain, looking at Sai Fong in mute appeal.
"You work for the Government, Jack," she said, "for something called DSG; you're based at Woolwich Arsenal, you're a Project Manager in the Re-Engineering Section, rebuilding tanks, personnel carriers, Warriors, Bloodhounds, that kind of thing; Harry works for them too, indirectly, designing helicopter airframes. When you were injured, you were given indefinite Sick Leave; you're a Civil Servant, so you'd probably have to blow up Parliament and ravish the Queen before they'd have grounds to sack you, so you don't need to worry too much about work just now! If they think it's necessary, they'll keep on extending your Sick-Leave indefinitely; you're a very important part of the war effort, they need you, and they'll do everything they can to keep you on-side!"
I remembered that Harry was down at this 'Woolwich Arsenal' place this morning, he'd said it wasn't far from where we were, and suddenly I needed to see my workplace.
"Take me there, please, take me to where I work, I want to see it!"
Teruko and Sai Fong exchanged glances, and began pulling on jackets, and Sai Fong picked up some car keys from the dresser.
"I'll drive, Teruko doesn't know the way."
We climbed into a big silver 4x4 (mine, I was told, although it didn't seem familiar at all) and drove the short distance, by London standards, to the Woolwich Arsenal, driving though the grounds until we came to a series of low brick structures. The guard at the gate took my ID and made a call, then waved us through into the car park, just as a burly man in a dark suit came out of the entrance of one of the buildings.
"Jack, good to see you back on your feet, how are you feeling?" he boomed, shaking hands vigorously with me, then engulfing Teruko and Sai Fong's little hands in his large mitt.
He looked at me closely, and I looked back, not a glimmer of recognition to give me a hint as to who this was.
"It's true, then," he murmured, shaking his head, "you don't have a clue who I am..."
He indicated that we follow him into the building and into what looked like a conference room, where he asked all of us to be seated. Once we were settled, he started talking.
"Jack, as you're still on Sick-Leave, I can't discuss your job or the projects you were involved in when this all happened. I'm not sure why you're here, and I think that, until the National signs you off and over to Whittington, our conversations need to be about your progress, not the work you were involved in. As of right now, you are on Indefinite Sick Leave, and will have to remain there until this has all been cleared up. On a purely personal note, you are very much missed here; I have all your colleagues coming up to me every day asking about you, and the National has been very good in keeping us updated on your progress."
I was a little confused, and a little concerned; why had the hospital been giving details about me to my employer? I asked him as much, and he looked serious.
"Jack, you work...worked, I should say, on one of the most important range of projects currently occupying the Ministry; being assaulted the way you were raised fears that it may have had a terrorist connection, seeing as you were a specialist Project Manager working on some of our most secure projects. Your attack rang alarm bells in all sorts of places, and it fell to us to investigate every possible connection, no matter how seemingly innocent or outlandish."
"And did you find anything?" I asked, dreading what I might hear.
He shook his head.
"As far as the Security Branch, MI6, The Metropolitan Police, SOCA and SO15 Counter-Terrorism Command could determine, it was what it seemed, a mugging gone wrong, a gang-wannabe trying to make his name as part of a gang initiation. We recovered the gun, a Glock nine-millimetre that went missing from an ISAF armoury in Iraq six years ago. It was recovered after a shooting in Hackney; the boy carrying the pistol attempted to kill a police officer, fortunately the officer involved was able to call in the Firearms Unit, and the perpetrator died in the ensuing shoot-out. He was 15 years old, but he chose to carry a gun, and use it against defenceless people; there's an old saying, Jack; 'He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword'; as soon as he picked up that gun, he sealed his own
fate, always remember that."
I felt sick; a kid had died because he'd wanted to join a gang, he'd failed with me and gone on to try again, and now he was was dead; he was a potential killer, but he was still only a kid.
His voice jerked me back to attention.
"Don't feel bad about it Jack, his death was brought about by his own actions; the gang he wanted to join has a particularly nasty initiation rule; newbies have to kill someone at random to be considered for membership, he was attempting to kill a police officer and that's what brought about his own death; you had no part in that, you were part of his initiation, but he didn't kill either of you, so he went on to try again. Your young lady had a lucky escape. Remember this; that gun had been used in three unsolved killings, all similar to what nearly happened to you; don't shed any tears over him, Jack, he picked up that gun willingly, and signed his own death warrant."
Teruko was huddling close to me, and my arm was around her, holding her tight, although I had no memory of holding her, her eyes showing her shock.
He looked gravely at me as he stood up.
"Go home, Jack, you don't need to be here, take your convalescence, and come back when you're ready. Right now, you're no use to me, nor to yourself; I suggest you spend your time resting and following doctor's orders. Spend some time with your young lady, go home and see your mother, Defence Support Group will still be there when you're ready to come back to work."
We all stood up, and as we made for the door, I turned to him.
"You didn't tell me your name…"
He grinned at me.
"Oh yes, I forgot why you were here. My name's Mike Sullivan, I'm in charge here, for my sins. Keep in touch, the hospital will keep the boys at Whittington informed as to your progress, but I'd appreciate a call now and then, just to let me know how you're doing. Remember, there's no rush to get back to work, get well first, get some beef on your bones, you're as thin as a rake, and come back when you're ready!"