by Mary Jaine
After chatting for a few more minutes, mother excused herself, Teruko following her, to get dinner on the table while I sat and looked around the room, examining somewhere that had once meant so much to me, but was now completely unfamiliar, not even one of those little twinges of memory I was becoming so used to hinting that I had been here before, that this was where I was from. I was still gazing around when the door, into the dining room, I assumed, opened and Teruko popped her head in.
"Please to come, Jakku-san, dinner ready now," although the delicious smell had already alerted me. Teruko directed me to the cloakroom to wash my hands, and I followed her to the dining room. Mother had cooked what she assured me had been my favourite, Cottage Pie, and it smelled wonderful, and suddenly, now , here were those little twinges of memory, telling me that I had indeed eaten this before, here, cooked by her. Someone once said that smell is the most evocative of all the senses, that a single smell can recall a whole lifetime of experiences; I can attest to the truth of that; nothing here had seemed familiar, but now, the smell and taste of my mother's cooking were flicking switches I wasn't aware I had, and now that sense of home was growing, that feeling of near-familiarity, stronger and with more associations than déjà-vu, the feeling of recall tantalisingly out of reach, but near enough to sense and feel the reality of it; these were not phantom memories or fantasies; this was me, still buried deep down, but awakening, I was sure.
The meal was fabulous, hot and savoury and delicious, and all the way through it I was remembering those aromas, the tastes and textures, the other associations crowding closer and closer, almost, almost, bursting through. I now had no doubt that this was my home; every sense I had was screaming at me 'you know this place, you've been here before, you've done this, you've sat here before, this is yours, this is your home!'
Everywhere I looked, almost-memories pushed at me, things catching my eyes and beckoning me, pleading with me, shouting at me, shouting 'look at me, Jack, remember me, you know me, Jack, it's me, remember me, try, jack, try!'
It was getting harder and harder to concentrate on eating; whatever was happening in my head was too deafening, too much was trying to happen, overload was setting-in, making me dizzy as I spun and reeled in the midst of a chaotic swirl of the almost-familiar. I stopped eating to rest my head in my hand, a pounding wave of dizziness making the room waver, and suddenly my mother was there, her hands soft on me, hands I could almost recall, the feel of them warm and reassuring; she was my mother, this was my home, I belonged here...
In the distance, from wherever he was confined, the dog began barking, a continuous high-pitched excited belling as he gave voice, something disturbing him, his clamour adding to the pounding inside my head. I was only hearing him with one corner of my mind; everything else was being swamped by waves of something like, and yet somehow completely different to, déjà-vu, my head swimming as my brain tried to cope with the sensory overload. A blizzard of half-remembered feelings and blurred images was unreeling relentlessly in no sense or order, a meaningless jumble of fragments, but an avalanche of them, blotting-out the room as they roared into me.
"Jack, darling, what is it; you've gone pale, are you alright? Jack, what's wrong?" The concern in her voice sent another jolt through me, another tumult of almost-memories making my head spin again, making me groan as the room orbited around me. My stomach lurched, teetering on the edge of violent nausea for a second, before backing down again as a fresh wave of dizziness flooded through me.
"Teruko, get his jacket! Jack, I'm putting your jacket on you, try and help me here, we have to get you to Accident and Emergency, can you stand up?"
"No, no more hospitals, please!" I managed to gasp out. "I just need to lie down, must be tired, please, just let me lie down!"
Somehow, and I have no clear notion how, my mother and Teruko managed to get me up that one short flight of steps and into the bedroom at the top of the stairs; I felt gentle hands unbuttoning my jeans and pulling my snow-boots off, and the covers being pulled up over me, the room spinning and gently revolving around me as whatever was happening to me ran its course. I tried shutting my eyes, but it didn't help. I tried focussing on one thing in the room, something to fix my attention in an attempt to brake the spinning room, and an oblong plaque on the dresser caught my eye. It was a ceramic ornament of some sort, but even as I stared at it, I could feel more prickles of memory popping and fizzing like microscopic bubbles against the surface of my mind, as it too began to shout at me, demanding that I recognise it; and I did, in a shock so profound that the room slammed to a halt as I saw Teruko give me that plaque, and once again heard her read it to me, mother, and an elderly man, my grandfather, there in the room, dancing firelight, the smell of pine needles and...and...
I woke with a start in my bed, and glanced at my dresser clock; almost 2 a.m. and I was starving. Teruko was lying next to me, deeply asleep, wrapped in my bathrobe and thick fluffy slippers on her feet, so I eased out of bed and slid my jeans on, wondering why my snow-boots were next to the bed, why my jeans were so loose and having to pull my belt in another notch past the usual buckle-hole, and briefly, why the dog was lying across the door; usually, if Teruko fell asleep in my room, or anywhere in the house, for that matter, Senshi would be found stretched out snoring on the floor right next to her; he was never more than a couple of feet from her, but now he was all the way across the room, lying like one of Landseer's lions in Trafalgar square, in the classic 'couchant' position, on his stomach, paws stretched out in front of him, his head up and watching me closely. Odd, I thought, and then dismissed the thought as my stomach rumbled again. I slipped on a pair of loafers and a sweater, and made my way downstairs to the kitchen, Senshi watching me and making no effort to move out of the way, forcing me to step over him.
When I looked in the fridge, oh joy, mum had made Cottage Pie, my favourite, so I spooned some onto a plate and popped it into the microwave, then wandered into the living room to wait while it heated-up. I sat down and picked up the TV remote, Senshi suddenly appearing from nowhere to jump up on the sofa and huff gently at my neck, looking for a share of my snack, no doubt. For some reason, he seemed intensely interested in me; normally, once he'd figured out I had no snacks for him, he buggered off back to wherever Teruko was, as I was no longer important enough for his attention. He was a one-woman dog, and yet now he was all over me, sniffing and nipping at me, licking my face, which I hate (only one person on this entire planet gets to lick my face, and he didn't look anything like her...), and sticking his nose in my ear. I kept pushing him away, but for some reason he'd suddenly decided I was irresistible; mum had one unbreakable rule; chairs are for humans, and dogs belong on the floor, and if she'd seen this idiot dog trampling all over her couch there would be things said, I knew that for a fact.
"Down boy, down!" I shouted softly, anxious not to wake everyone else, but Senshi wasn't having any of it, he was excited about something, and he wanted me to share in it with him. Eventually I gave up, unable to push him off the couch: it's quite difficult to budge an 80lb Labrador when he doesn't want to be budged, so I settled for clamping his head under my arm to stop his incessant attempts to lick my face.
I flicked on the TV and the satellite box, and turned to the news channel, to watch in puzzlement and growing alarm as weather reports started talking about blizzard conditions in the Midlands and across the Oxfordshire plain, road closures, downed power lines; in June? What the hell was going on?
And then that damned dog decided to start barking at me, his 'play' bark, the one he uses when he and Teruko are outside with a tennis ball and his squeaky rubber chicken, a huffing, breathy bark, high-pitched and attention-seeking, his tail going like a propeller as he barked happily at me.
I wrestled with him, trying to grab his snout and clamp his mouth shut, confident that he wouldn't bite me, he wasn't that kind of dog, and finally succeeding, hopefully before mum or Teruko heard him and came to see what was going on.
I picked up the remote to turn the volume down even lower, and my eye caught the date at the bottom of the screen. I froze in disbelief, the pit of my stomach dropping away as though I'd swooped down a fairground slide; December 21st, not June, not summer at all. I dropped the remote in shock, staring at the screen, knowing it couldn't possibly be right, but the evidence of my eyes was irrefutable; it was there on screen; news reports, pictures, and that shocking date at the foot of the screen impossible to argue with. Where the hell had six months gone, where the fuck had I been, what was going on?
Answers, I needed answers, mum would know, she'd tell me. I ran upstairs, the dog racing after me, my hunger forgotten, to knock, and knock again at my mother's bedroom door. I guess I knocked louder than I knew, because suddenly Teruko was there was well, looking sleepy, and rumpled, and delicious. Mum opened her door and saw the look on my face.
"Jack, what's the matter, what happened, how are you feeling, is something wrong?"
I was nearly gibbering with panic now, trying to make things come out right in my head.
"Mum, what happened to me, where's six months gone, why don't I remember them, what's going on?"
Mum had started when called her 'mum', a strange look in her eyes as she looked closely at me.
"Jack, you...you know who am, don't you?" she whispered, and I nodded.
"Of course I know who you are, what kind of question is that? Tell me, mum, please, what's going on, where's the year gone, why is it nearly Christmas, why don't I remember anything, how did I get here?"
Mum was crying, as was Teruko, and no-one was answering my questions, until she took my hand and led me into her bedroom, sitting me down on her bed. She kept hold of my hand as she sat next to me.
"Jack, what's the last thing you remember?"
I looked at her sideways; what was she on about now?
"That's easy, mum, Teruko and I were planning on having Harry and Sai Fong over for dinner...so how did we get here? I don't remember driving up here at all! What...?"
Mum squeezed my hand so hard it hurt.
"Jack, you've been...sick, since June. Harry brought you home yesterday, both of you, to spend some time with me. How much do you remember, of anything? What's the last thing you remember, seriously?"
I had to think for a few seconds.
"Going shopping in Lewisham, I parked-up behind the Matalan store, and we took a short-cut through the Docklands Light Railway station. Harry and Sai Fong were coming to dinner and...and that's all I remember. What happened to me, how did I get sick? Why can't I remember anything else? Tell me, please!"
Mum looked away, her lip trembling, picking her words carefully.
"Darling, you were...mugged, in Lewisham Station, the boy had a gun, you tried to get to Teruko, and...and, he...shot you...oh Jack, we thought we'd lost you, it was so bad, you lost so much blood, they got you to hospital in time, but the damage...the bullet...!"
She was crying again, obviously deeply distressed, her grip on my hand like iron. I could only sag in shock; I'd been shot? Why was I still alive, HOW was I still alive, if that were true? My total shock and confusion must have shown on my face, mum taking my face between her hands to look into my eyes and speak slowly, calmly as I flinched in shocked reaction.
"Darling, you were in a coma, in hospital in London, since June; Teruko stayed with you the whole time, six months day and night. You finally woke up almost two weeks ago, but you had amnesia, almost total retrograde amnesia, they called it; you didn't know me, Teruko, Harry, anybody, nothing about your life, your job, nothing; it was like losing you again...! Harry brought you home hoping that this would happen, that you'd remember us, everything..." She paused to wipe her eyes.
"This evening, at dinner, you got sick, confused, we put you to bed, do you remember any of that?"
I shook my head numbly, too stunned to think coherently.
Teruko climbed into my lap and laid her head in the crook of my neck, her arms like a vice around my neck as she cried silently. I tried to make sense of all this, to try and make things match-up and come out even, but even in the extremity of my shock and disorientation, I couldn't help but be hotly aware of how beautiful a girl I was holding on my lap, and I suddenly realised just how it might have been for them. For me, no time had passed, I had lost six months, but they hadn't, they'd had to wait for me, perhaps waiting for me to die, and yet mum, and Teruko, especially, had never given up, they'd waited and hoped and now I was back. Perhaps I should wait to find out what came next; right now my mum and Teruko were crying, they needed me, and I needed them if I was ever going to get past the shocks of the last few minutes.
Something she'd said was troubling me...
"Mum, you said I woke up two weeks ago; what have I been doing, where have I been since then?"
Mum smiled at me through her tears, her fingers warm against my cheek.
"You didn't exactly 'wake-up', it was a lot slower than that; it took several weeks, first your eyes opened, then they started moving, vague and unfocussed, to be sure, but it was a sign that things were returning to normal with you, then your arms and hands. The hospital said the biggest breakthrough was when Teruko woke up one morning to find you'd turned over in the night and were lying on your side."
"When you were fully awake they kept you in hospital while they ran their tests; you only came out a couple of days ago. Your specialist at the hospital warned us that what was likely to happen after you woke up would be that you would enter what he called a 'fugue' state; I didn't really understand, but he told me one of the characteristics is sudden unplanned travelling or wandering off, which is why Teruko stayed by your side twenty-four hours a day. Mr. Hunter also said that the fugue would pass, but it could be days, weeks, or even months, but when it did pass, there was usually no memory of anything that took place while you were in that state. I suppose you've come out of the fugue now, but we still need to get you to the Royal Shrewsbury in the morning; you really frightened us this evening!"
Teruko loosened her hold on my neck and kissed me lightly on the cheek.
"Please to forgive, Jakku-san, I am sorry, please forgive me!"
I stroked her hair as I held her tightly against me, brushing her hair out of her eyes as I looked into them..
"What is there to forgive, Imoto?"I asked, watching the tears gather again.
"When you...when you in hospital, I wait and hope and pray, I beg the ancestors, make offering to the gods to help you, bring you back. Every day I ask, every day they not help, they not bring you back, I stop hoping, and I give up, I pray that you go, so I can follow you. I give up, Jakku san, I lose hope and wait for you to die, I am sorry!"
She was crying now, hot tears streaming down her cheeks, tears I tried to wipe away, but I was shaken by her confession, that she'd lost hope and planned to follow me when I died, and I hugged her fiercely, feeling her soft yielding body mould against mine.
"You would do that, little sister?" I whispered in her ear.
"My life for you, Onii-san, only for you, cannot live without you!" she replied, her arms tightening around me again as she hugged herself even closer, her lip still quivering.
Mum straightened up and brushed my cheek with her fingertips.
"Jack, darling, I know you're feeling confused right now, and you have every reason to be, but you're home now, and I want you to stay for a while; will you do that? You need to have someone look after you for a while, someone who can answer your questions, and you need to recuperate. Teruko's been doing an incredible job, you'll never know what she went through, but she's close to the edge herself, she was too young to take on so much, and she's almost worn-out; she needs some proper rest and care before she has a breakdown. Before all this you originally planned on going back after Christmas, but I really think you should wait until after the New Year. Will you do that for me? Will you stay and let me look after you? Please?"
She had tears in her eyes when she finished, and I could only do one th
ing when she put it like that.
"I'd like that, mum, I really would, and thank you; it will be nice to be home again for Christmas!"
Inside I was still reeling from the shock; half a year, gone, it made no sense; for me June was yesterday, and suddenly I'd stepped through a door from summer into the deep mid-winter, the calendar in my head spinning crazily as it tried to account for the lost time. I needed to sleep on this, I wanted to think, but most of all I wanted to find that magic door back into summer, before all this weird nightmare ever happened...
"Mum, what about my job, do I still have one, what am I going to do?"
She smiled gently.
"It's okay, Jack, you're on Sick-Leave, you have been since you were first injured. General Sullivan has been in constant contact with me, so he's fully up to speed on developments, you saw him this morning, but of course you don't remember that, do you? As far he's concerned, you're no earthly use to him or yourself until you've rested and recuperated fully, so you're on the sick list for the next few months, on full pay, of course; there are still some benefits to being a Civil Servant!"
I felt quite indignant.
"I feel fine, how can they put me in dry-dock like that, I have rights...!"
Mum held up her hand to silence me.
"Darling, look in the mirror, please..."
Puzzled, I did as she asked, pulling the cover off her dressing mirror, and reeling back in shock; who the hell was that? Not me, surely! I looked again, and the gaunt figure in the mirror aped my movements, his eyes deep-set and ringed with dark circles, his cheekbones standing out in high-relief, his cheeks sunken and pale, and deep hollows at the temples making his face look harsh and angular.