by Calia Read
I wanted to look good. Better than good. I wanted to look the best I ever had. Just knowing that Mathias was going to be there made me anxious. I had to show him I was better off without him.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror, fixed my makeup, ran a brush through my hair and felt my confidence surge.
There was a sharp knock on my door. I gathered my clutch and quickly opened the door.
Lukas was leaning on the wall with both of his arms crossed. “Ready?”
I took a deep breath and answered truthfully. “Nein.” No.
“We don’t have to go.”
“We don’t but I do.”
“Why?” he asked as we walked down the hall.
“Because it looks rude if I don’t.”
A few people walked down the hall, squishing Lukas and me together. Lukas wrapped an arm around me and bent close so he was talking in my ear.
“Who cares what it looks like? You owe him nothing!”
I whirled around. “I know I don’t. Because we’re all having dinner with him doesn’t change a single thing that’s happened.”
Tell me you believe me, my eyes pleaded.
I needed someone—anyone—to tell me just that because I was starting to lose faith in myself.
I gave him a small smile. “Let’s just get this over with, okay?”
“Fine,” Lukas bit out.
We left through one of the multiple back entrances. My heels smacking against the pavement was the only sound between us.
I knew what Lukas was thinking, but he had it all wrong. This was really nothing.
Really.
Before I got into the car I looked at him across the hood of the car. He met my gaze. “Was he out there tonight?”
Lukas’ lips thinned. “Does it matter?”
“No,” I lied.
Like a coward, I slid into the seat, eager to forget what just happened. Such a stupid question.
Lukas started the car. He stared at the steering wheel, as if the tan leather held all the answers to his questions.
He put the car in reverse, his right hand landing on the back of my seat. Before he backed up, he gave me a sad look.
“He was there,” he finally replied.
I didn’t say a word after that.
Leave it to Mathias to pick the nicest restaurant in downtown Lexington. It was not too far from my hotel. The lights were dimmed, casting a golden hue. White tablecloths covered the tables. Around us, people talked quietly to themselves. Silverware sounded against the plates.
Everyone around me was talking. Lukas chatted with Thayer. Severine was smiling and nodding along as Opa talked animatedly. Even Mathias chimed in a few times.
I was on autopilot, talking and nodding my head at the right times and staring down Mathias and his date.
Several times he caught me staring. I didn’t look away. My past self would have. But the new me had a message for him: we weren’t okay. I hadn’t forgotten. And I didn’t forgive him.
A single brow arched in question. His eyes narrowed a fraction, as if we were playing an intense game of chess and he was trying to figure out my next move.
Just then, Rebecca smiled lovingly at Mathias and leaned into him as he talked. They were together. They’d had sex and it didn’t take a genius to figure it out. It was a blow right to my chest; she clearly made the cut, whereas I didn’t.
“You feeling all right?” Lukas whispered into my ear.
I leaned into him. The whole time I felt the weight of Mathias’ stare. “I feel great.”
Lukas didn’t look convinced. To prove it, I took a bite out of my food and dramatically groaned, as if this was the best food I’d ever had.
Mathias’ eyes shot to mine. I pointedly ignored him.
“Katja, you’re probably tired,” Opa interjected. “You can go back to the hotel whenever you’re ready.”
“You might be right,” I murmured.
“Oh, but can’t you stay?” Rebecca asked.
I saw nothing but genuine kindness in her eyes. It made hating her all the harder.
“I’ve had a long day.” I pointedly looked at Mathias; he was the reason for my long day. Thoughts upon thoughts of him shifted through my mind. He tormented me, and the crazy thing was, he held my stare right then like he knew it all.
“Yes. Stay.” Severine chimed in. When she wasn’t talking to Opa, she was staring between Mathias and me, like she was watching a tennis match. “I know you’re probably really tired, but we’re all dying to know how Mathias was as a teacher.”
I hesitated and glanced back at Mathias. He leaned back in his chair, with his thumb brushing against his lower lip.
His look said: ‘Yeah. Tell them.’
“Ein gebranntes Kind scheut das Feuer,” Lukas said underneath his breath for only me hear. A burnt child dreads the fire.
I pretended not to hear him and shifted in my seat and smiled at Severine as though there was nothing else I’d rather be doing. “I’m afraid there’s not much to know,” I replied. “Mathias was a strict teacher. Very by the book. Never broke the rules.” I leaned back in my chair and re-crossed my legs. “He was a perfectionist. If I didn’t play a song right I would have to play it over and over and over until it met his standards.”
I glanced at Mathias. He held my stare, a hard look in his eyes.
“He never let up on you? Not even once?” Severine asked.
“Not even once,” I lied. “He took his job very seriously.”
“I’m not surprised by that,” Rebecca said as she glanced at Mathias, an affectionate look on her face.
Beside me Lukas stiffened.
At this point, Mathias had his elbows on the table, leaning in. His eyes were enraged and I loved it.
“Well, I’m curious to know more about you.” Severine persisted.
“Don’t be curious.” I gave her a small smile. “I’m really boring.”
“I would say not!” Opa bellowed. He was starting to become drunk. His words were increasingly becoming louder.
“I agree with your grandfather,” Rebecca said. My grip tightened on my fork. “How long have you been playing the piano?”
“Since I was a child.”
“She started when she was six years old!” Opa interjected. “She would watch her mother play. Katja has always been talented!”
“Then why did you need Mathias?” Thayer teased.
Everyone chuckled. But Mathias didn’t.
“Yes. Why did you need me?”
Like blowing out a match, the laughter died within seconds. During dinner the conversation around Mathias and me had hidden our tension, but now it was revealed and impossible to ignore.
“I think my Opa’s exact words were that he wanted me to be unmatched. A pianist that would always be known. Mathias was the man for that job. I would be nowhere right now if it wasn’t for him,” I said sharply.
Opa cleared his throat and placed his napkin on the table. “This has been a wonderful dinner. How about we go back to the hotel? We can finish the night off with a few drinks at the bar on the main lobby.”
Everyone murmured in agreement. Everyone but me. I just wanted this night to end. I wanted to get far, far away from Mathias and his solemn, all-too-knowing eyes.
Lukas laid a hand on my lower back. “You want to do that?”
I shook my head. The thought of watching Rebecca smile intimately at Mathias, or, God forbid, kiss him, made my stomach curl. “No, I think I’m going up to bed early.”
When I was sure everyone had a few drinks in them at the bar, I left my room. I dropped my room key into my robe pocket and hurried down the hallway. I took the stairs because I was a coward. I didn’t want to risk the chance of running into Opa or anyone else.
Most importantly, I didn’t want to run into Mathias.
When we had checked into the hotel a few days ago, the staff had told me of the baby grand piano, located on the west end of the hotel, right next to the meeting roo
ms and ballrooms. Stepping into the vast room I took a deep breath. The floors were covered with plush carpet. Chandeliers hung above me, unlit. The room was empty. All the lights were off, except for the small lights attached to the wall. Tables were put away and chairs were stacked in the corner. Making my way across the room, I took a seat in front of the piano. It was so quiet. My eyes closed. I inhaled. And then I played Carmen Fantasy. I poured all my frustration and anger out onto my fingers, hoping they’d transfer onto the keys and never find me again.
Ever.
But that might take days. Years, perhaps.
“You’re supposed to be upstairs sleeping,” said a deep voice behind me.
Abruptly I stopped. My hands jerked away from the keys as if they were live grenades. Finally, I turned around. There he was, Mathias. His tie was loosened; the top button of his white oxford dress shirt was undone. His dress coat was off, probably draped across a chair in the bar, where Rebecca sat, waiting for him.
“What are you doing here?”
“You said you were tired, but I had a funny feeling that you were lying. I asked the staff if the hotel had a piano. I knew this was where I’d find you.”
“Well, you found me.”
“You did really play well tonight.”
“I played well,” I repeated his words back.
Mathias smirked and took a step closer. “You still expect compliments?”
I stared down at the keys. “Mathias Sloan, I stopped expecting any praise from you a long time ago.”
He stopped right next to me. “You don’t need praise from me or anyone else. You know you’re good.”
His arm brushed against my shoulder. Instead of pulling away, Mathias lingered.
I flinched and twisted around. “Don’t touch me,” I warned.
“I can’t help it.”
“Just like you can’t help but run away?”
That made him pause. He winced and took a step back, burying his hands into his pockets. “I fucked everything up that night.”
I sat there, expressionless.
Mathias closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “You have no idea how sorry I am.”
“You’re right. I don’t, because I never heard a word from you.”
“Are words going to take away my actions?”
“No! But it would ease the pain a bit!” I confessed.
Mathias eyes widened. “If I could go back and re-do that night I would.”
“So would I,” I murmured.
He bent closer and his thigh brushed against my elbow. “I wouldn’t change what happened between us. Never. And no matter what you say, I know you wouldn’t either.” He whispered his words, making me close my eyes.
I felt his chest against my back and tried to fight the onslaught of emotions. Maybe, just maybe, if I stayed perfectly still this feeling would just disappear.
But I should know better. The only way to make it go away was to pretend that it never happened. My eyes opened and I shifted to face him.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
Mathias narrowed his eyes. “Don’t change the subject.”
“Where is everyone?” I repeated firmly.
It was funny how in Germany Mathias would do anything to dodge the subject of us and now he was facing it head on when it was the last thing I wanted.
He backed away and took a deep breath, his hands dragging through his hair. “Are you just going to ignore what happened? Ignore me the whole time you’re here?”
Abruptly I stood. My temper got the best of me and pointed a finger at him. “Do you want me to pretend that everything is okay between us?”
Mathias took a step forward. Instantly I took a step back.
“You’ll be here for a few days, and I want to know that when you leave, everything is all right between us. That’s all I want, Katinka.”
My eyes slammed shut and I rubbed my temples.
Katinka.
Katinka.
Katinka.
That was all I heard. Abruptly, I dropped my hands and looked up at Mathias. “You should go. I bet Rebecca is waiting for you.”
It was a dig, and from the look on Mathias’ face I knew it got his attention.
“Is that what this is about?”
“You can do whatever you want with your girlfriend,” I said, avoiding his question.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” His voice was deceptively low.
I knew he was barely keeping his temper in check.
“Could’ve fooled me.”
“She’s not.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I stepped around him and walked off the stage. “You can do what you want.”
Mathias trailed behind. “But it matters to you. So it fucking matters.”
“Why do you even care what matters to me and what doesn’t? You left last year.”
“Not because I didn’t want to be there!” he replied.
I made it to the last step and whirled around. “Then why leave me?”
“I left because things were getting out of control!” Mathias exploded. “Like it always does around us!”
“I need more of an explanation than that.”
Mathias was whip-smart. Always seemingly so unfazed—almost bored—by everything around him, but right then he looked taken aback. Almost scared. His mouth opened and closed, but he never replied.
“Just go,” I said quietly and turned.
My steps were whisper-quiet against the soft carpet. I heard him behind me so I picked up the pace, hurrying across the ballroom. My hand was mere inches away from the door, when Mathias grabbed me by the waist, hauling me back against him. His hand spread, his thumb brushing against my bra. I was panting. I couldn’t move. We stood there, chest to back, saying nothing. Moving my hair to the side, I felt his breath on my neck. He leaned in.
“I think about you every single day, Katinka,” he whispered.
I shook my head, trying to ignore his words.
He turned me around. I was finally facing him.
“You don’t believe me?”
“No,” I whispered back.
His eyes bore straight into me. I knew my answer was the furthest thing he wanted to hear. His nostrils flared and his hand wrapped around my neck. I knew what was going to happen next and I was so afraid. I knew I should fight, but there would always be a part of me that would want him.
My chin went up a notch. Mathias noticed the shift. Very slowly, I reached out, my hands curled around his shirt, and I gently tugged him forward. When there was barely an inch between us, I veered back.
God, what was I doing?
I couldn’t be sucked back into his hold again. I barely survived the first time. A second time? I might as well start digging my grave.
Mathias stared intently at me, waiting for my next move. My eyes veered to his lips.
His eyes flashed. “Katja…” he growled.
The sound of my name coming from his lips snapped my strength in half. A choked sound slipped from my lips.
For the past twenty-four hours people had surrounded us, but now we were alone. There was no one around to stop us from making any rash decisions. Suddenly, the inches between us seemed too vast and the intensity in his eyes was too strong.
When his head dipped down, I didn’t pull back. I met him halfway.
Our kiss wasn’t sweet and gentle. It was savage. Almost punishing. The impact slammed into me so forcefully I stumbled back. There was an entire year of pent-up desire to get out. His hands cupped my jaw, tilting my head back. My lips parted as I dragged my hands through his hair. His tongue moved against mine. His hands outlined my body. I shuddered from the feel of having his hands on me again. They curved around my hips and drifted toward my lower back. With a quick push, I was hauled up against him. I could feel just how hard he was.
I moved my hips.
This was bad. I moved my hips again and Mathias groaned into my mouth.
It was more than bad. B
ut for every five seconds of bad, there were thousands of seconds of good, waiting to wrap me up and hold me tight. It was all I could think about: the good, the good, the good.
My body arched the same time my hands ran across his chest. I stretched my fingers, trying to touch every part of him I could. Through his shirt I felt muscles that I knew so well from memory. A sharp bolt of lust sliced through me.
I felt greedy. I wanted Mathias all to myself. Thinking that another woman had touched him made me see red. My fingers drifted south and when I reached his belt, I looped both forefingers into the buckle. I stood on my tiptoes. My legs inched apart, and soon his cock was pressed up between my legs. Right where I wanted him.
Mathias sucked in a sharp breath and lurched away, staring at me as if he had no idea how he got here.
I licked my lips and smiled, breathless. He stared me, blinking rapidly. I felt alive. Mathias did that. He breathed life into me. He made me touch and feel and react in a way I never thought possible. It was so strong, this feeling, that I stopped caring about the consequences. Tomorrow I would regret this. But not right now.
“Fuck it,” he snarled.
He came back to me, grabbing my face, tilting my head back.
He pulled away from me and I felt his lips against my jaw, drifting down my throat. My head tilted back as his tongue flicked against my pulse at the base of my throat.
This was going down a road we had no business traveling. I realized that we would soon be in the same position as so long ago. Did I really want to experience the crushing blow of having him walk out of my life again?
Just the thought of it was like a cold bucket of water dumped over my head.
I jerked out of his hold. Mathias stumbled back, looking more dazed than anything. His erection strained against his pants. I never thought I would be the one to put a stop to things. But if there was one thing that was different from last year, it was me. I knew what it was like to have Mathias walk away from me. Because of that, I was stronger.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered.
I walked past him, shoving him in the process. I had to get away from him.
“Katja,” he growled as he grabbed my arm.
“Let go,” I hissed.