by Calia Read
“Katja! Wait!” Mathias called out behind me.
I kept walking. It felt like I’d left a piece of my heart behind. Right then I held onto Lukas’ arm, not out of habit, but because it was necessary. It was taking all of my strength not to turn around and go back to Mathias.
We walked out the door. Cool, crisp air grazed my skin, making goosebumps appear. Lukas and I were silent, both lost in our own world. Every step I took was agony on my heart. I couldn’t ignore Mathias’ gesture any more than I could stop breathing.
And I realized that I loved him and I’d love him now and forever. Nothing and no one could change that.
Suddenly, I stopped walking and turned to face Lukas. He smiled down at me, but the second he saw my face his smile faded.
I took a deep breath and cut straight to the chase. “Lukas, I can’t do this.”
“What?”
I stared up at him, heartbroken. “I can’t marry you.”
He grabbed my face and peered down at me, worry and fear in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“I can’t-”
“Yes, you can.” His grip tightened and he was to the point of shaking me.
“Lukas, I kissed him!” My words came out in a rush, and as much as I wanted to take them back, I couldn’t.
Lukas’ hands dropped to his sides. He took a step back. His mouth opened and closed. Maybe seconds passed by, or minutes. I didn’t know. Either way, it was complete torture.
I swallowed loudly. “Two days ago, we kissed. I’m so sorry, Lukas.”
He stared at me skeptically, as if he was trying to figure me out. “Is this a joke?”
I shook my head.
“How could you?”
“I didn’t plan this! For the rest of my life I will have to deal with the knowledge that I’ve hurt you. But I’d much rather give you this small moment of pain than a lifetime of misery. And that’s all you’d have if we got married.”
“What are you talking about?” Lukas pointed a shaking finger at me. “I love you!”
“Everyone deserves to love someone and be loved right back. Unconditionally. Fully. But I can’t be that person for you.”
I took off my engagement ring and held it out to him.
“I’m not taking it.”
“Lukas-”
“I’m not.” He took ahold of my wrist and guided it toward my chest. “You’re saying this because he’s back, challenging everything that we’re building together.”
He wasn’t thinking clearly right now. But tomorrow he would. Tomorrow he’d wake up and hate me.
Instead of answering, I reached out and dropped the ring into his pocket. Lukas’ eyes closed in anguish and it killed me to know that I was the reason for his pain.
I didn’t know what to do. Or what to say. I’d made a wreck of things.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
M A T H I A S
I watched Katja and Lukas until they were out of sight.
Even then, I stood in the doorway. I knew I should walk away, but my heart was a masochist and wouldn’t let me leave.
Someone stood next to me. “Just give her a few minutes.”
I turned and saw Simone. “Why are you here?”
She shrugged and dug through her purse, as if me groveling for the woman I love happened all the time. “Tobias called me and told me what your plans were. I couldn’t miss it.”
“She’s gone, Simone. Clearly there was nothing to see.”
“I think you’re wrong. I saw Katja as you played. She couldn’t look away from you.”
A random stranger patted me on the back and complimented me on my performance. I nodded and said thanks, but in reality, their words fell on deaf ears. There was only one person I would bare my soul to and she was gone. Playing in front of a crowd, for Katja, was my second and final option in trying to win her back. It was my way of showing her that I do love her. I would always love her.
I told Tobias about it a few days ago and he helped me set up the time and location.
Communicating with words just wasn’t working. I couldn’t seem to give my feelings for Katja justice. I had a passion for music. I loved it. Almost as much as I loved Katja.
My legs had a mind of their own. Fuck this. I was going after her. I was done sitting here and waiting. But Simone grabbed my arms. I looked at her over my shoulder. She slowly shook her head.
“Trust me. Just wait.”
My eyes narrowed. Simone and I were hardly what you’d call friends. But right now, I trusted her.
She nudged her head toward an empty table. “Come on. Go sit down. First drink is on me.”
After a few drinks, I felt my pain start to numb. I spun the half-empty beer bottle, staring idly at the water rings on the table.
“Don’t ever do it, Simone.”
“Do what?”
“Fucking fall in love. It’s a slow death.”
“Don’t need to tell me. I believe you.”
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on the table and laced my fingers behind my neck. “I should go after her.”
“And do what?”
“Tell her I love her!”
“That’s it?”
“I’ve never said those three words to anyone in my life. Trust me, for me, that’s a lot.” Groaning loudly, I leaned back in my chair and stared up at the ceiling. “I thought I had a chance. I caught her gaze as I played, and for a second her anger faded away, and I saw that she still loved me. But I was wrong. I’ve lost her.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “She’s never coming back.”
“I came back.”
My eyes flashed open. I sat up straight in my chair. Simone was no longer sitting across from me, but standing behind the now vacant chair was Katja. Quickly, I stood up. My chair fell to the floor.
We stood there, with steps between us. Yet neither one of us took that step forward.
She smiled weakly. Her lower lip quivered. “I can’t do it. I can’t marry Lukas.”
Very slowly, I walked toward her. Afraid that I’d had one too many drinks and this was all a dream. Afraid that when I got too close she’d come to her senses and realize what a fucking bastard I was and run away.
“It’s you,” she whispered. “It’s always been you.”
Before she could take her words back, I walked forward. Eating the distance between us in four quick strides, I kissed her. Days had passed since my lips were on hers, but I kissed her like it was the very last thing I’d ever do on this Earth.
I put everything into this kiss. My regret. My shame. My happiness. All of it.
It was hers now if she wanted it.
Reluctantly, I pulled away. “I love you,” I said gruffly.
Katja’s eyes widened. She went to take a step back, but I reached out for her. One more second away from her and I thought I’d go crazy.
“I lost you once. I’m not going to lose you twice.” My hand curved around her jaw, gently holding her in place. “I. Love. You.” My forehead rested against hers as I took a deep breath. “I’ve wasted years. I know that. But I don’t want to waste any more time. Be with me.” I kissed the corner of her mouth. “From the minutes we met, we were never ending. Tell me you know that.”
Katja nodded. “I know. I love you, too.”
“I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy.”
My lips brushed against hers, once, then twice. She leaned into me and deepened the kiss.
My life had been in chaos for years now, but for the first time in forever, everything felt all right. I was on solid ground and there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
K A T J A
ONE MONTH LATER
I squinted out the window, waiting for Mathias’ hometown to come into sight.
The plane slowly descended, revealing nothing but endless rows of soybeans and green fields. There would be a few stretches of water and trees here or there. A few houses were placed throughout.
Thi
s was my first time being back in the States since my tour. Actually it was my first time for a lot of things.
First time meeting Mathias’ entire family.
First time traveling with Mathias and knowing that our time was not up—we had forever.
First time feeling truly and wholly complete.
It was the greatest three firsts of my life.
“It’s not much of a view,” Mathias murmured next to me.
I glanced at him and smiled. Thousands of butterflies fluttered in my stomach at the thought of meeting his family. Sure I’d met his brothers and their girlfriends, but his dad and step-mom were on a different level. The subject of meeting his real mom hadn’t come up. And I had no desire to push. I knew I’d meet her when it was time.
The plane slowed down. The fields were replaced with busy highways, with the cars looking like little ants. Buildings appeared, clusters of trees. We moved lower and lower and it made my nerves multiply. I reached out and grabbed Mathias’ hand as the planes’ wheels touched the ground.
I wanted his family to like me … accept me. I wanted them to see that I knew Mathias’ past and his pains, and I loved him all the more for it.
The seatbelt sign blinked off, and in unison, everybody took off their seat belts and jumped out of their seats like anxious kids. I lifted my arms and stretched dramatically.
“Why are you stretching? You slept on me the whole time.”
“I was cramped too, you know.”
Mathias just smiled and grabbed our carry-ons from the upper compartments.
Conversations spread down the cabin like dominoes. Frazzled parents collected their kids. People grabbed their carry-ons and then there was a lot of waiting and impatient huffing, waiting for the person in front of you to move forward so you could get the hell off the plane.
Finally it was our turn. I walked ahead of Mathias. The whole time his hand rested on my lower back. A stewardess waited at the front of the plane, telling us to enjoy the rest of our day. I could barely understand. My nerves were at an all-time high; I barely registered her words. In my head, I was trying to envision how the introductions would go between Mathias’ parents and me. Would we all smile and get along great? God, I hoped so.
I knew I was getting ahead of myself. I had expectations when I should have none.
As we followed the rest of the passengers through a passage of corridors, Mathias laced his fingers through mine and gently squeezed.
“Are you ready to meet them?”
“Yes.”
He gave me a half-smile. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Are you really sure?”
I smiled.
“Because once you do meet them, they’re going to love you. And just like me, they’re never going to want to let you go.”
“I’m positive.”
He dropped my hand and wrapped an arm around me. Together we walked toward baggage.
Closer to his family.
Closer to our future.
Closer to our life.
Calia lives in Indiana with her husband and their four kids.
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Danke to my amazing betas: Kiki, Megan, Tosha, Christine, and Darla. Your thoughts are all amazing and have made this book what it is today.
Danke to Simone for all your input and the translations! It means so much.
Danke to Megan for the amazing graphics! Absolutely gorgeous.
Danke to Christine for being my right hand man, and keeping me in check!
Danke to my cover designer, Regina Wamba, for making yet another, amazing cover
Danke to my editor, Lori Sabin, your input always means so much to me. I couldn't imagine going through this process without you!
Danke to Claribel for all your wonderful (and hilarious) input!
Danke to my husband, Joshua, for always being so patient and helping with the kids.
Lastly, Danke to my Sloan Readers for being so patient. This book has been a long time coming but it's finally here!!