by Nina Kaye
‘No, she doesn’t. But there’s nothing I can do to change it.’
I shake my head at the injustice of it all. Danielle should have answered for what she did and now she gets to walk away unblemished.
‘Keep one thought in your mind, Alex.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Her dad won’t always be around, or have the influence, to protect her. His friendship with the CEO worked in Danielle’s favour and she burned that opportunity. She might not be as protected wherever she goes next.’
‘That’s true.’ I suck in a deep therapeutic breath. ‘OK, that’s just how it is. The main thing is, she’s gone. And so is her little sidekick. I now need to focus on all the wonderful colleagues I have next door.’
‘You do.’ Emmanuel smiles warmly. ‘Shall we go back and join them?’
‘Definitely.’
As we get up and leave the room, I switch off the lights and close the door firmly behind me, treating it as a symbolic moment. I’m shutting Danielle and all the trouble she caused inside and it’s not coming out again… ever.
Chapter 35
Six weeks later
‘Where are we going tonight? Come on, please tell me.’ I playfully wrestle with Matt’s hand while we’re enjoying a Saturday morning lie-in together.
‘Are you completely incapable of enjoying the mystery?’ He affectionately traps my hand under his and I find myself stuck. ‘It’s a surprise.’
‘I don’t do mystery. I do plans. Perfectly executed plans.’
‘Then you need to learn to live a little.’
Matt lets go of my hand and kisses my nose. I wrinkle it up to express my disapproval of his statement.
‘How about I make you breakfast in bed?’ he suggests. ‘Then we can snuggle up and enjoy a box set marathon. Save our energy for tonight.’
‘Why, what’s going to take so much energy?’
‘You are relentless, Lex.’ Laughing, he untangles himself from me and gets out of bed.
‘Some would argue it’s one of my best features.’
‘Your best feature can also be your worst.’
I stick my tongue out at him as he makes his way through to the kitchen.
‘Yoghurt and granola? And a cup of tea?’ he calls to me, moments later.
‘Perfect. Will it just be you and me? Or are we meeting the others?’
His head appears round the door frame, exasperated grin plastered across his gorgeous face. ‘Let it go. Or you’ll be enjoying a solo box set marathon today.’
I make a show of huffing loudly. ‘Fine.’
He disappears back into the kitchen and I lie back, losing myself in my thoughts. How lucky I’ve been that everything has fallen back into place. Work has been amazing. I’ve been treated with nothing but respect – by everyone. And Danielle no longer being there makes it so much better. Every workplace comes with its challenges, but now they’re the kind of challenges I expect.
While I never thought I’d be comfortable with people knowing about my MS, it has actually made things easier. I no longer have to lug around my big sack of a secret. I share what I’m comfortable sharing. Make light of it when I bump myself on a table leg or my concentration dips. It’s there, but it’s not seen as a big deal. I’ve also carried on with the leadership programme after Emmanuel persuaded me to stick with it – but with no firm obligations in relation to career advancement. She knows how much I thrive on professional development.
Then there’s Matt. Incredible, amazing, gorgeous Matt, who at this moment is conjuring up my breakfast and who I know will add a little something extra to it, because that’s who he is. He cares for me and he spoils me. But he also challenges me. Dom would have tried, and he would have done so many things right. But ultimately, he wouldn’t have been able to relinquish control and let me live my life the way I want and need to. He’s a hands-on leader, and he’s very good at it. But he’s not right for me. He’s also not Matt. Incredible, amazing, gorgeous Matt.
‘Right, here you are, princess.’ Matt appears at the door once again with a tray.
I prop myself up against my pillows, ready to receive it.
‘Thank you, gorgeous man.’ I look up at him adoringly as he hands me the tray then bends down and kisses me gently.
‘Have I told you I love you, Alex Morton?’
I put on a thoughtful face as he nuzzles me with his beard. ‘Not sure. Maybe I need to hear it again?’
‘I love you,’ he whispers in my ear.
I turn my grinning face towards his and kiss him again. ‘I love you too. Thank you for being you.’
* * *
By six p.m., I’m sporting a black sparkly festive minidress, my hair tonged into bouncy ringlets, make-up super-glam to match my outfit.
‘How do I look?’ I do a little turn on the spot and Matt gives an appreciative whistle.
‘Stunningly beautiful. How about me?’ He does his own little pose, which makes him look silly, and I start to giggle.
‘You’re beautiful too.’
‘Great. Now let’s go or we’ll be late.’
‘Late for…’
‘Would you just let it go? You only have another half an hour til you find out.’ He ushers me out of the door and downstairs to a waiting taxi.
We drive through the street-lit roads of Birmingham until the taxi pulls up outside what looks like a huge nightclub.
‘We’re going clubbing?’ I glance at Matt in confusion. ‘Is it not a bit early? And why all the secrecy?’
‘You’ll find out.’
Matt pays the driver, then we step out of the taxi and make our way inside the building. It has some kind of information desk in the foyer, where Matt hands over some tickets and is handed a couple of lanyards in return.
‘What are those for?’ I ask.
‘You’ll find out,’ he simply repeats, and I have no choice but to pad along quietly beside him.
We walk down a long brightly lit corridor until we reach a door with a security guy standing outside it.
‘Hey, mate.’ Matt greets him and dangles the lanyards in front of him.
The bouncer opens the door and gestures for us to enter. We then climb a short flight of steps, which I have to take at a slow pace, and find ourselves in a bustle of activity.
‘What is this, Matt?’
I look around and spot Sasha locked in a passionate embrace with Sammy, as well as the rest of the band members. There are music-related items strewn everywhere: guitar cases, lyric folders, drumsticks, a microphone stand.
‘It’s a Capital Parade gig?’
‘It sure is,’ replies Matt. ‘Really difficult to secure a gig at this venue apparently. Shows how well the band are doing. There’s even backstage passes.’ He waggles the lanyards in front of me and I grab one.
‘So that’s what these are. Fantastic. Gosh, this really is a grander place than the one I sang with the band at… but it still doesn’t make sense. Why all the secrecy?’
We’re interrupted as Sasha leaps on me with a huge hug and Sammy and the rest of the band gather around us.
‘Lex, how amazing is this?’ Sasha squeals.
‘It’s really amazing.’
‘Alex, how you doing, mate?’ Sammy hugs me, then turns to greet Matt with his usual blokey handshake-cum-hug. ‘Have you asked her yet?’
‘Has he asked me what? What’s going on here?’ I probe, then a thought pops into my oversensitised mind and I blurt it out before I can help myself. ‘You’re not going to propose, are you?’
My eyes are wide, unfortunately betraying the slightest hint of panic.
‘Steady.’ Matt lets out a chuckle, then narrows his eyes at me jokingly. ‘Though it’s good to know it would be so well received.’
‘What? No. I mean, we’re only—’
‘I’d quit while you’re only marginally behind, Alex.’ Sammy pats me on the shoulder.
I feel myself redden, then I decide I can’t take all the secrecy any more
– especially if it’s going to land me in trouble.
‘OK, fine. But is someone going to tell me what’s going on here?’
‘Thought I’d leave it to you.’ Matt raises an eyebrow at Sammy.
‘I got this,’ says Sammy, and to my utter befuddlement, he gets down on one knee in front of me. ‘Alex, we’ve only known each other a few months, but I feel like what we have is really special and I can’t imagine a future without you in it…’
He pauses dramatically and I glance around at the others, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. All I’m met with is a collection of stifled sniggers.
‘Alex…’ Sammy continues and my attention snaps back to him. ‘We’ve all missed you so much. Will you be our lead vocalist again?’
I’m so baffled by this peculiar turn of events, I find myself speechless. After letting Sammy’s words sink in, framed by an anticipatory silence from my onlookers, I kick into gear.
‘I… err… Sammy, that was a lovely “proposal”—’
‘For future reference, that’s how it’s done, mate.’ He gives Matt a pointed wink, then focuses his attention back on me. ‘I’m sensing a “but” here. Are you really going to reject me, here in front of all these people?’
I look around at the hopeful faces and I can hardly bear to let them down. ‘Sammy, what are you doing to me? I’d love nothing more than to be singing with you guys again, but it’s not that simple. I’m not reliable—’
‘We can work around that.’
‘More importantly, I need to look after my health and hold down a job. It’s not just about my career, I need to be able to pay my bills too. I’m sorry, it’s just not something I can do. I also can’t face having to let you down all over again.’
‘You don’t know that that’s going to happen, Lex.’ Matt puts a supportive arm round my waist. ‘You didn’t have a relapse. You had the flu. Everyone gets winter bugs. It just hit you harder.’
‘Matt, I love that you’re encouraging this, but I just can’t.’
Matt looks at Sammy, then at Sasha. ‘Are we in agreement that it’s time?’ They both nod. ‘All right. Bring out the secret weapon.’
‘The secret what?’ I’m beginning to think they’ve lost the plot. Then out from behind one of the changing room doors walks Emmanuel.
‘What the…’ I gasp. ‘Emmanuel, what are you doing here?’
‘Hi, Alex. Matt expected you’d have this reaction because of your job. So, I’m here to tell you that you can do this.’ She seems quite pleased with her supporting role in this little charade.
‘But—’
‘No buts, Alex. You love singing with the band, right?’
‘I do, but—’
‘What did I just say?’ She smiles at me. ‘When something like that makes you so happy, it’s good for your health, not the opposite. Work is important, but so is having a life and living your dreams. It’s even more important for you to be able to do that now. You have my full support for this. And if you decide you need to improve the balance in your life, we could talk about reducing your hours. But only if that’s something that would work for you.’
‘I’ve never thought about doing something like that.’
‘Well, it’s open to you if you want to explore it. There are plenty of people with challenging, successful careers who don’t work full time.’
I take a moment to think about what Emmanuel’s just said. Between this, and Sammy and the band being happy to work around my illness, I have no reason to say no any more.
‘OK, I guess I’m in.’
There’s a collective whooping cheer.
‘So, I’ll see you at rehearsals next week to get started again?’
‘Actually, we were kind of hoping you would sing with us tonight,’ Sammy replies.
‘Tonight?’
‘Just a few songs you know well. So we can reintroduce you. We’ve got an hour to practise and warm up before the gig.’
I look from Matt to Sasha, then Emmanuel, and they’re all grinning at me encouragingly.
‘OK, sure?’
There’s another whooping cheer.
‘I’m so glad you’re going to do it.’ Sasha leaps on me with another huge hug.
‘Well done,’ says Emmanuel. ‘Always remember, you have my full support.’
‘Thanks, Emmanuel. That means so much,’ I reply, then turn to Matt as the others disperse, nervous knots already forming in my stomach, but in a good way. ‘I’d better go and rehearse then.’
He slips his arms round my waist and pulls me towards him, planting a sensual kiss on my lips. ‘You go. I’ll be in the crowd with Sasha and Emmanuel, cheering you on.’
‘Make sure I can see you. I’ll need your support.’
‘You can count on that. Actually, before I go, is it really such a scary thought, me proposing to you?’
‘What? No. It’s not. It’s a wonderful thought that you might do that one day. Not sure I’d want it to be in front of a raft of people though.’
‘All right then. Noted.’ He plants another kiss on my lips and then heads off to join Sasha and Emmanuel at the bar.
Chapter 36
Just after 8:30 p.m., the curtain lifts and the band springs into action with its signature gig opener. A sea of concertgoers cheer loudly, bouncing on the spot, singing along to the music; a much bigger crowd than the one at the gig I did previously, and just as lively. Sammy takes the lead with the vocals as I wait just out of sight for the reintroduction he’s insisting on. It feels a bit odd to be reintroduced when I’d only managed one gig before – he’d be as well introducing me as a brand-new band member – but he wasn’t having any of it. I sing along to the music, flexing my nicely warmed-up voice, trying out some new vocal effects while no one can hear me.
As the song comes to an end, I brace myself, nerves jangling – but not to the level of the first time I walked on stage. That was such an amazing and exhilarating experience, it seems to have made a sizeable – and more importantly, lasting – dent in my stage fright.
‘GOOD EVENING, BIRMINGHAM,’ Sammy hollers into the microphone.
There’s a collective roaring cheer from the crowd.
‘I said, GOOD EVENING, BIRMINGHAM,’ he shouts again, louder this time.
The crowd match his volume increase.
‘It’s fantastic to see you all here tonight. Before we get going properly, I’d like to reintroduce our newest band member. She’s had to take some time away due to illness, but she’s back and she’s ready to rock your night. She’s an inspiration – please give a massive cheer for… Alex.’
At Sammy’s cue, I walk out onto the stage smiling and waving to the cheering crowd. It’s an odd and uncomfortable experience being the centre of attention, quite different to the previous gig. That time, Sammy didn’t introduce me, or any of the other band members. I can see he’s lifting it up a level, to give us that professional sheen. As he proceeds to give each of other band members a mention, I focus on steadying my nerves, making sure I’m breathing deeply, right into my abdomen.
Then before I know it, we’ve launched into the second song of the night (another one of the band’s own) with me at the helm. It feels electric. As I belt out the lyrics, my nerves melt away like ice thrown into a fire. Becoming lost in the rhythm and the beat from the drums, it’s like I’ve never been away.
I immediately know I’ve done the right thing rejoining the band. Emmanuel is right. This kind of happiness can only be good for me – the world’s healthiest drug. With my nerves fully in check, I begin to scan the audience, making eye contact here and there, smiling and connecting with our fan base.
Doing so, I spot familiar faces – lots of them. My gaze lands firstly on Matt, Sasha and Emmanuel in the front row, dancing around like idiots. Just near them, I spot my team members from work. My eyes lock with Dhruv’s. He’s bouncing on the spot, grinning and mouthing ‘You are insane’. But the biggest shock of all comes when I spot my mother, my sis
ter and John on the far right-hand side. I’m so astonished, I miss a beat and turn to Sammy with an apologetic look. He simply grins back at me, shaking his head in a gesture of ‘forget it’. It’s clear he’s perfectly aware why I’ve faltered.
As I continue to sing my heart out, I look back towards my family. It’s like I’ve entered some kind of parallel universe. How on earth did they end up here? Carol’s doing a good enough job of trying to fit in, and John’s clearly enjoying the music, dancing like an embarrassing dad. But my mother looks like she’s been brought here with a gun to her back. Her stuffiness gives her the air of a French poodle living among a family of warthogs. Only the crazy mix of feelings I’m experiencing from having spotted the two of them – stunned surprise, delight and a touch of resentment – stops me from bursting into fits of laughter right there on the stage. As I watch them, Carol looks up and gives me an uncertain wave, then nudges my mother, who herself gives an awkward nod, and was that just the hint of a smile?
We continue with a mix of original tracks and covers back to back until Sammy gives me a nod that he’s going to say something at the end of the current song. Once I’ve wrapped up the final lines of ‘Sex on Fire’, I step back from the microphone to give Sammy centre stage. He stands there, arms stretched high in the air, as the crowd goes wild with applause.
‘Isn’t she incredible?’ he calls into the mic, and raucous cheering reverberates round the auditorium. ‘Oh yeah, she’s incredible. What Alex doesn’t know is that her final track of tonight is one that she herself wrote. It’s a bit different to our usual stuff, but we’re sure you’re going to love it. It’s called “Take a Moment” and Alex was inspired to write it when she was battling with her own illness.’
A loud supportive cheer bursts from the crowd as bubbling nerves erupt in my stomach. What’s Sammy doing? We haven’t even rehearsed it, other than that one night when we sang together in the bar after my first gig – but that doesn’t count. Does he even remember how it goes?
‘Alex, you’re up.’ Sammy gives me a little wink as he leaves the mic.