Happy Endings

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Happy Endings Page 11

by Alice Winters


  “You’re worried I’m going to… leave you?”

  “No… I’m worried things will become weird between us, when I don’t want that.”

  “Miles, things will become weird. Things between us have always been weird. Isn’t that how we work? I mean… have we ever not been weird?”

  I step up to him and he pats me on the head like I’m a dog.

  “There there, I promise we’ll always be strange and weird.”

  “Alright, I have to be honest… I’ve been thinking of sending your hairy ass back to the demon realm for treating me like I’m a dog.”

  He grabs me in a bear hug. “You’d miss me.”

  “I have no idea why.”

  “I do,” he says as I sink into his hug, even if I’m still trying to act like I don’t want it. “Don’t worry so much. That’s our thing, ya know? Just go with it. Let life take you where it wants. Remember that time we ran into that castle with no plans at all?”

  “And you got the hair on your balls singed? Because we had no plans. That’s how you’re wanting to go about this?”

  He loosens his hug slightly and gives me a grin filled with his fangs. “Exactly.”

  I start laughing. “How about with less ball hair singe?”

  “I guess if we have to.”

  “You’re ridiculous. Now I came up here to do some work in the quiet.”

  “Or I bet we could find something more fun to do.”

  “Ooh…”

  “Brownies! Make me brownies! All the chocolate.”

  “I’m not making you brownies!”

  He pushes my chin up and kisses me gently. “What about now?”

  “Hmm… no. You’re not that cute,” I say. “Hey, Havoc?”

  “What?”

  “Thanks.”

  “Anytime. Especially if there are brownies or chocolate involved.”

  “I’ll make you freaking brownies!”

  “Double chocolate.”

  “Double chocolate,” I say as I step from him.

  “Don’t worry about things, Miles. I’ve always liked your smile the best. Especially when you’re attacking things and covered in blood.”

  “That’s… no… remember me telling you that you’re strange?”

  “Yet you still like me more than anyone else!”

  “I do.”

  ***

  My phone rings and I jerk awake. “What NOW?” I growl. I had basically just fallen asleep, and now someone is calling. I grab my phone and yank it from the cord as I slide the accept button. “Hello?”

  “Miles, I think there’s someone in my house,” Sam says.

  I sit up, startled. “What?”

  “Someone is in my house,” he hisses.

  “I’ll be right there. What’s your address?”

  He rattles it off to me as I smack Havoc awake. It just makes him grumble and curl up tighter.

  “We’ll be right there,” I say. “Havoc, I need you to fly to Sam’s house. Someone is in his house.”

  Havoc looks at me for a moment. “Sam you say? He’ll be fine,” he decides as he slowly pulls his pillow over his head like I wouldn’t notice.

  I give him a kick as I get up. “Come on, Havoc, now.”

  “Fuck, fine,” he says and grabs his sword as I rush over to the window.

  Butt naked, with only a sword, he walks up to me and stretches. Then he shifts and lands on my shoulder as a raven. He preens his feathers as I unlock the window. As soon as I have the window open, he hops off my shoulder and flies out.

  “You don’t know the address!” I yell.

  He swings around and flies back to me as I plug the address into my GPS. I hit start, and Havoc grabs my phone in his talons and flies off for a second time.

  “Now I don’t know it!” I yell after him as I can hear an echo of “Proceed to the route. Proceed to the route.”

  “This thing is ridiculously annoying, Miles. You gotta give me a minute, you stupid lady,” Havoc mutters.

  With a huff, I rush over to the computer and pull up Google Maps so I can type the address into it. I press print, and the printer slowly begins to print out the directions. I take that time to get dressed and grab the directions on my way through the door.

  I try to read them as I run out to my car but I can’t remember the last time I relied on an actual piece of paper to get me anywhere. While getting into the driver’s seat, I can’t help but wonder how a mage as powerful as myself has to resort to paper directions and running around in a car. I throw my car into reverse, hit the curb, and realize I can’t read directions in the dark. I reach around until I find the interior lights.

  “How did people live like this?” I groan as I juggle driving ninety while reading the directions.

  I zoom right past the road I need to turn on, so I make a U turn and back track to the correct road. My brain is nearly fried by the time I make it to a two-story house on the edge of town. I don’t waste time turning the car off as I jump out, sword drawn, and burst through the front door.

  Havoc, butt-ass naked, steps up in front of me, holding the severed head of a man in his left hand and his sword in the other. “I took care of it as you fucked around. Did you stop for a manicure or something?”

  I take a deep sigh of relief. “Thank you. Where’s Sam?”

  Havoc slowly looks over at me then quickly looks at the severed head. “Oh man, for a moment I couldn’t remember what Sam looked like, and I realized that it might have been his head I cut off, but I don’t think it is. Right? He has dark hair, right? This chap here looks like he doesn’t… I think. I honestly don’t know.”

  I quickly look over at the head, but with all of the blood, it’s hard to tell whose head it is.

  I stare at him in disbelief. “Havoc… I swear to god, if you’ve cut Sam’s head off, I’ll cut your nuts off.”

  “I’m alive…” Sam whispers as he creeps around a corner. Then he sees the man’s head before turning a very pale shade of green. “Holy hell. You cut his head off.”

  Havoc shrugs like none of this is concerning. “Well, he tried killing me, so yes, I cut his head off. Catch!” Havoc says as he tosses the head at Sam.

  Sam stumbles back as the head hits the ground in front of him. “Urgh…” he moans before rushing into the kitchen.

  Havoc laughs wildly as he walks over to the head.

  “Just… leave it,” I snap. “You alright, Sam?” I go into the kitchen and find Sam leaning against the breakfast table.

  “Yeah… thanks… I think…” he says.

  “Did you call it in?”

  “Not yet,” he says. “Why would someone come here?”

  “I don’t know. Were you getting too close to information they didn’t want you to know?” I ask.

  Sam starts pacing as he throws up his hands. “I don’t know. I mean, yeah I was looking into the case, but I didn’t have any big break-through.”

  It doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten too close to anything as a team. “Okay. I think to be safe, I’m going to have someone watch over you. Is that alright?”

  “Uh. I guess. Just… maybe not Havoc? Maybe someone who can recognize my face. I mean that guy was Asian and I’m Latino and he didn’t notice?”

  Um… I couldn’t tell either. “I totally agree,” I say as I pick a marker up off the counter. “Havoc, how could you not have noticed that? Sam, go ahead and call it in, I’ll be right back.”

  I head outside to the driveway as Havoc follows.

  “You do realize you’re still naked?”

  “Completely. It’s freeing, but there’s an added sense of… difficulty, like… you have to protect two things instead of one.”

  “Yeah, you and Sam.”

  “Oh… I was talking about my penis. But yes, Sam and me. So… what are you doing?”

  “Summoning someone to watch over Sam so I can go home and sleep,” I say as I draw a circle, then work on the intricacies of the middle. I set my hand against the circle. �
��Iya, I summon you.”

  I barely get the words out before Iya is crawling out of the broken ground. His bull-like face peeks up at me before he clambers through.

  “You… summoned me?” he asks with his Irish-influenced accent.

  “I did,” I say as the minotaur-like demon eagerly watches me.

  His excitement is apparent even though his expression shows differently. “I missed you too,” he purrs with a grin.

  “I need you to do something for me,” I say.

  He reaches out and trails a finger over my chest that Havoc immediately smacks away. “Anything for you.”

  “You remember the young detective who was in the room the day Havoc sent you here instead of coming himself?”

  Iya thinks about it for a moment before making a huffing noise. “He was a very handsome fellow.”

  “I need you to protect him,” I say.

  He nods, instantly agreeing. “May I penetrate him?”

  I’m not even sure why the question surprises me. “Um… not unless he asks?”

  “That’s reasonable,” he says with a nod. “Alright! I will protect him with my life.”

  “Good choice, Miles,” Havoc says. “Send the horny bull in as a protector.”

  “He’ll be just fine,” I assure him as I lead Iya into the house.

  Sam looks at me startled when I come in with a half-man, half-bull behind me. The human parts of his body are bulky, and he is barely clothed, showing his muscles. The demon is a brick wall, and that’s why I’ve used him for protection. I once saw him knock someone unconscious just by bumping into them.

  “I don’t know why I thought you’d bring like… a human bodyguard or something,” Sam says. “Haha… foolish me.”

  “Human, I come to penetrat—protect you,” Iya says, and I am reminded again why I shouldn’t dabble with demons.

  Sam is staring at him with eyes so large I’m surprised they don’t dry out. “Were you going to say penetrate?”

  “No,” Iya says, shaking his head. “Unless that is the kind of thing you are into? Then, yes.”

  Sam turns his attention to me as if I’m some kind of traitor, but a car pulling into the driveway creates the distraction I need to escape. “That’s my cue to leave,” I say. “Have… fun? Iya, don’t… traumatize him.”

  Iya huffs. “Unless he wants to be traumatized, right?”

  “Exactly,” I say as I head out the door. I don’t get very far before Sam runs after me.

  “Um… excuse me. Miles?” He desperately grabs onto my arm.

  “Yeah?” I ask as I turn to face him.

  He stares at me with a funny expression on his face. “I really… uh… appreciate all of this, but I think I’m fine without whatever that is. I mean he was going to say penetrate, wasn’t he?”

  I laugh as I look at Sam. “Iya says exactly what he thinks, but he’d never harm you. I’ve worked with him many times, and he’s actually easy to get along with. You just have to remind him to wear clothes.”

  “Okay… I’m trusting you.” He doesn’t look very trusting.

  “Good because I am a very trustworthy guy,” I say.

  Havoc snorts.

  “Shut up, Havoc, let’s go,” I say. “If you need anything, let me know.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Sit on my lap,” Havoc says as he pats it like I’m a dog.

  I stare at his lap and realize it could be very fun to sit on that lap, but it would also require moving from where I’m curled up on the couch.

  “It’s a very nice lap. You know you want to,” he taunts as he pats it again.

  “It is a very nice lap.”

  “Then come sit.”

  “But… this couch is nicer,” I say before snuggling under my blanket as I give him a wicked grin.

  While we haven’t exactly talked any more about what our relationship is or could become, we’ve fallen into a familiar routine that has kept me satisfied. We talk, joke, and fuck.

  We’re like an old married couple but seeing as we’ve known each other for hundreds of years, it’s not surprising that we just know how to get along. It helps that there’s no longer the tension between us that came with me being annoyed at him for sleeping with everyone and him snapping back at me. I hadn’t realized how much that had driven a spike between us until I really thought about it.

  “You’re getting that constipated look on your face again like you’re trying to remember how to use your brain, but you keep forgetting that you really don’t have much of one in there,” Havoc says.

  I chuck a pillow at him, which he smacks out of the way while grinning at me. There’s definitely no way I can crawl over to his lap now, even if it promises many joyful things.

  “Don’t be shy, there’s enough room for you with your bony ass.”

  “My ass is perfect.”

  “Who told you that? Your reflection?”

  “Maybe. Here, you can enjoy it,” I say as I turn away from him and pull the blanket back so only my ass is showing. Then I pull my sweats down so he sees just my crack.

  He gasps dramatically. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Thank you. My momma made it.”

  He snorts. “At least she did one nice thing for you.”

  “She was such a bitch, you know with the whole leaving me behind thing.”

  “Didn’t she sell you for like a bag of potatoes? I mean, I would think you’d have at least been worth a goat or something. Even like a half dead one.”

  I turn to glare at him. “I’m going to trade you for a half-dead goat.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, I’m worth so much more than that. You wouldn’t trade me for anything. You L-O-V-E me.”

  I sigh. “It’s sickening, I know. But it’s like after spending hundreds of years with something, you start to love it even if you wish you didn’t.”

  He gives me a wicked grin. “I have been the best thing that ever happened to you.”

  I think about it for a ridiculously long time. Long enough that his grin begins to fall. “Okay… I know this is going to sound crazy, but it’s a tie between you and that coat I used to have. You know that green one.”

  “The one that looked like baby shit? Yeah, I gave that to the homeless man on the side of the road and he said that it was so ugly he’d rather freeze to death than wear it,” Havoc says nonchalantly.

  I watch him for a moment as I try to figure out if he’s lying. Of course he isn’t. “You asshole. I hunted for that coat for weeks.”

  “And every time you did, I’d giggle a little.”

  The thought of Havoc giggling makes me laugh. “You’re the worst person I’ve ever met.”

  “Did you forget about your mom who traded you for a chicken?”

  “She didn’t even trade me for a chicken. She just left me.”

  “I’d have at least gotten a chicken out of you,” he says like the ass he is. “Now come sit on my lap.”

  “Really? You just told me you’d have traded me for a chicken.”

  He throws his arms up in mock exasperation. “It was a compliment!”

  I snort. “How was any of that a compliment?”

  “I told you I’d trade you for an old dried up chicken! Now come over here and warm my lap up.”

  “Hmm… what do I get in return?”

  “Oh, I can give you something alright,” he says as he winks at me.

  “Ew.” I make a show of cringing. “How about you give me something I actually want.”

  “You don’t want my penis?”

  “Eh…”

  “Tell me it’s the best penis you’ve ever seen.”

  “I like my penis more.”

  “Besides your own penis. Mine is the best.” The poor man is so confident.

  I suppose he does have a right to be, it is a pretty nice penis but I will never let him know that. “I’ve seen Iya’s penis. It’s huge.”

  “Are you trying to make me jealous?” he growls. That gets him up as he rushes ove
r and sits down on me, crushing me.

  I push against him but he grabs my arms and pins them to the couch. “You’re killing me!”

  “Good. Maybe I’ll crush some sense into you,” he growls. He leans over so his hair is hanging down and smirks at me. It makes me want to kiss him, but I know I can’t give in.

  “You know what I could use right now?”

  “A nice big hot—”

  “Shower! I know!”

  “Dick.”

  “What?” I ask like I’m confused.

  “They say in lore that demons came from hell, but if I came from hell then where did you come from?”

  “Heaven, of course.”

  He snorts before leaning down, lips so close to mine I could touch them if I just gave in. Oh how I want to give in.

  “I see you twitching to touch me,” he whispers, voice low and deep. “As if I couldn’t already feel how much you want me.”

  “Then kiss me,” I say as I lean into him, and that’s the moment my phone rings. Sadly, I sink onto the couch as Havoc grabs it.

  “Hey sweetheart,” he answers.

  “Who is it?” I ask, alarmed.

  Havoc grins down at me, clearly enjoying this. “You sure you want him? I’m better than him.”

  I yank the phone from his ear. “Hello?”

  “Miles? It’s Rehna,” she says. “I heard about last night with the forest spirit. Is he still alive?”

  “Yeah, he’s in the spare bedroom,” I say as Havoc teasingly draws a finger down my chest until he finds a nipple.

  “You have him in your house?” she asks.

  “Yeah, I laid a doggie bed down for him,” I joke.

  “Don’t forget that he is a sacred creature.”

  “I haven’t,” I say just as Havoc pinches my nipple. “Ow!”

  “What?” Rehna asks as Havoc grins like a fiend.

  “Ah, nothing. Stubbed my toe.” I try crawling out from under him to get away, but he keeps me pinned down.

  Rehna continues on, despite my struggling. “We are calling a council meeting this evening and would like you to join. All the surrounding district bosses will be there, and we want you and the detectives there as well.”

 

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