“What aren’t you saying, sweetheart? Tell me.”
“If this turned into anything we would be long-distance. The only reason I would ever do that was if I knew it would turn into something in the end. If I knew that at one point, we’d be together, physically, in the same place.”
Move back to New York with me, I thought. I was going to say it, but I didn’t say anything. I hugged her a little tighter.
“I don’t want to stop seeing you just because I live in New York.”
We could work something out. Her head came back down on my chest, and I ran my fingers through her hair. She was mine till I had to fly back the next night. She was mine, period. What was a little distance, really? It was time and money and effort to get to her, but all that? Not enough. Not enough to make me leave her alone.
Nothing was.
18
Audra
Max had never made me feel nervous about talking to him or being around him. His brother was the one who got my gears turning. I didn’t know, though, how I was going to talk to Max about the pictures that Zahira had seen.
It wasn’t that big a deal. Nobody had started following me home or anything like that, but it was still weird as hell. I had put up a Google alert for my name, and all that came up were things related to the Strickland auction. After the auction, Levi went back to New York. He spent his last day before he had to with me. If I had my way, I’d just keep him holed up in my apartment. We’d eat takeout and watch Boston Legal. Thai food again. That seemed to be all I had wanted lately.
He wasn’t above boxed wine and take out, but he was a little fancier. He had managed to convince one of his Richie Rich friends to let us tour their private art collection. The man got rich in the early Silicon Valley days, and like Jackson Strickland, had sunk millions into his private art collection. All Old Masters stuff. I had never seen such a concentration of Degas in a single place in my life. He was a peach, and let me prattle on about all my old dead faves, listening because it mattered to me. He had taken the red-eye back to New York so we could have dinner together, promising he’d be back over the weekend.
I hadn’t done long-distance before. In my mind, it wasn’t worth doing unless there were concrete plans and intentions to be together for real at the end of it. That would take someone moving, or both people moving, but that was what you did when you were committed to making it work with someone. We had been on exactly two dates. I wasn’t about to ask him to commit to anything. We had probably packed months’ worth of emotion into the short time we had known each other, but that was not grounds to start asking him to make concessions on his life for me.
There was also the whole trust thing. Me trusting him and him trusting me. That, or like, the willingness to turn a blind eye to indiscretion. I was not selling myself on this relationship at all. If I was this negative about it, it was doomed to failure.
I tried to look at the bright side. We were both very attracted to each other, which was something. He had said that he didn’t want me seeing anyone but him, and lucky for him, most guys seemed to pale in comparison. Most aggressively was probably Brandon. Zahira had warned me that it would happen. It would be unexpected and ostensibly innocent. I’d get a text message from him saying he missed me or had been thinking about me. He’d ask what I was doing and whether we could hang out.
It was a trap, of course. What had she told me? One day I’d be thirty with three of his kids, and I wouldn’t know how the hell I got there. Sage advice. I had left the text message unanswered. It was like what you did with animals, and babies; just giving them attention was positive reinforcement. If I ignored him long enough, he had no choice but to move the hell along. I had. I was even pursuing a new relationship… sort of.
When I got to work Monday morning, there were flowers on my desk. Yellow roses, like the kind you are supposed to take to your sick grandmother in the hospital. Something told me they weren’t from Levi and I was right. They were from Max. I waited till it was a respectable hour of the day to call him and thank him for the invitation to his dinner party. My weekend with Levi had made me put it off a little. I hadn’t stayed the entire time, but I stayed long enough to have a good time. I had expected to leave a message, but he picked up.
“Audra, how are you?”
“Fine. I didn’t think you’d pick up. I know you’re at work. I just wanted to thank you for the other night. It was great.”
“Was it? You weren’t there very long,” he said. I paused. Was that passive aggression I heard?
“I’m sorry. I can’t excuse Levi’s behavior.”
“What about your own? You left with him.”
“I did.”
“Why?”
“Because he asked me to. And I wanted to. We weren’t on a date, Max. If it bothered you as much as it did why didn’t you say something then?”
“I’ve seen so many girls in your position, Audra. The difference with you is you seem to know that Levi is a bad decision. You just aren’t listening to your gut.”
“Do I have to tell you this now too? Don’t get me involved with whatever it is you two are quarreling over.”
“Levi uses lies and disrespect to get what he wants. He’s going to do it with you. He’s trying to do it with Strickland’s.”
“What? Strickland’s?”
“I can take rejection, Audra. I just hope you know that there isn’t a single woman who has ever had a good experience with him.”
“Thanks for the heads up but I can take care of myself. Thanks for the dinner; that was why I called. By the way, why did my best friend show me pictures of the two of us online?”
“Pictures?”
“From the dinner. I can send you the link if you like.”
“That shouldn’t have happened. I’ll talk with the caterers. I’m sorry if this has been embarrassing for you.”
Was I talking to Max or to a robot? We were pretty friendly, and we had interacted enough for me to get a pretty decent read on him, but for the first time since we’d spoken, I felt he might be lying to me. I let him go having said what I needed to say to him. He had known Levi his whole life, but I had seen how they were. They fought like cats in the street. Of course, he would malign him. I was sure there was some truth to what he was saying, but what his brother and I did together was none of his business. It was none of anyone’s business godammit.
Were the pictures from the dinner party just the start? Would I end up with my pictures all over the internet because I was associated with Levi? We lived in San Francisco, not Hollywood. Sorry, I lived in San Francisco. Levi wasn’t getting back to the Bay until the end of the week. What the fuck was I supposed to do till then? I didn’t want to wait, pining for him to show up again.
I’d call him that night. I had the right to do that much, right? At around six so it wouldn’t be crazy late in New York. That would be what I would do for any other boyfriend. I wondered whether he could reject the title. If he did, then that was a red flag. What I would need to do at that point is get the hell away from him. If he did that, or if he became wishy-washy about visiting on weekends, or me talking to Celeste. Brandon had trained me well; I would know the signs if they showed up.
I saw the third one when I got home. This box was pretty flat, painting shaped. I opened the door and got inside before opening it up. It was a framed poster, old, inscribed in Italian. A 1904 Madame Butterfly opera poster from its debut showing.
The note stuck to the back of this one said, ‘One day you’ll sing for me.’
He didn’t need to sign it for me to know he’d sent it. When would he stop? I sort of didn’t want him to, but how much was too much?
I heard a knock at the door.
Wanting to see Levi, I jerked it open. I sighed because it was not Levi. It was a very irate Brandon.
“You aren’t inside my house, but if you don’t leave, I’m going to call the cops,” I said.
“I’m not leaving till you talk to me.”
“I’m not talking to you. So leave.”
“I knew we were different, Audra. You with all your art stuff, but I thought I had a pretty good read on you.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I know who that guy was. Your rebound? I used to think pretty highly of you, but I didn’t think you’d date a guy for his money.”
“I don’t have to explain any of my actions to you, Brandon. Is that all you came here to do? Pick a fight because you haven’t moved on yet?”
“You moved on pretty fast. I guess the fact that the guy’s worth over a billion dollars helps the process, doesn’t it?”
I opened my mouth, but then closed it. I wasn’t about to defend myself to this clown. He was calling me a gold digger. For how long had his broke ass mooched off me and his parents? There was nothing wrong with him that prevented him from getting a job. He was just content being a burden. Gold digger my ass. I had never asked Levi for a single thing.
“Do you feel better now that you’ve gotten that out of your system?” I asked him sweetly. “Your jealousy is something you will have to find a way to work through on your own. We are through. I don’t want to see you again.”
“I’m trying to look out for you, Audra,” he protested. I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know who that guy is? He’s with a different girl every season. I’m trying to save you the heartbreak, Audra. He’ll be done with you as quickly as you were done with me.”
“Well, thanks for caring about me so much. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“You can’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said ominously. I solemnly agreed, humoring him. Anything to get him to leave. I would have to tell Victor he wasn’t welcome here anymore.
I busied myself with more important things, like feeding my cats, trimming their claws, answering emails, ordering Thai food. All things to busy my hands while I thought about what to talk to Levi about when I called him. He was just a dude. Only a man. There was no good reason to be so nervous about speaking to him. I wanted to speak to him. He seemed so layered. Like the glimpses I had seen of his humor and playfulness and generosity were rewarded to so few people. I wanted to be one of those people.
I called him, emptying my pad Thai into a bowl. He picked up as I settled onto the couch with my food. He answered the phone with just his last name, which amused me a little. Did he answer his mother’s phone calls like that too? Didn’t that get confusing? There were two Stricklands. Maybe he was just teasing me.
“Hi, I didn’t want to call you too late,” I said.
“It’s not too late. I was just about to call you.”
“You don’t have to say that,” I said. “It’s fine if you weren’t going to. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“I wanted to ask whether you got the poster.”
“I did. It’s beautiful. Can I ask how much it cost?”
“You can, but I won’t tell you. It’s an original 1904 print. I think you know how much it’s worth,” he said. I heard the smile in his voice.
“I have a pretty good idea,” I admitted. “These gifts… they’re too much. I can’t accept them.”
“They’re gifts, Audra. I want to give you beautiful things. Most women want diamonds and clothes. You’re the first girl I’ve been with who cares more about Luciano Pavarotti than Harry Winston.”
I sighed. Maybe it was just a thing he had to do. Maybe some people were like that. They liked to give you things when they liked you. I liked a gift as much as the next girl, but there was such a thing as too much. What would Zahira tell me in this situation? Probably to stop questioning the man’s generosity and take the damn gifts.
“Can we keep the price tags under a certain dollar amount?” I asked looking at the poster.
“No. I don’t care how much they cost. I’d buy you all of Versailles if you wanted it.”
“The gifts… they won’t change how I feel about you.”
“They won’t? Not even a little? What’s wrong with them? Too cheap? I can get you those diamonds if that’s what you want,” he said. He was teasing me.
“I just want to see you again,” I said.
“I want to see you too. I miss you.”
“Just four more days,” I said.
“I don’t know if I can last. Where are you? What are you doing?”
“Home. I just got back from work. Where are you?”
“Bed. Thinking about you.”
I smiled a little. Smug.
“Do me a favor, sweetheart. Before you go to sleep, when you touch yourself, think about me. Think about my cock. Think about us fucking. Come thinking about how I feel inside of you. How much you want me. How hard you come when we fuck.”
I was speechless for a second because I was already thinking about it.
“Only if you’ll be thinking about me.”
“What do you think I’m doing right now? I’m holding my cock, but I want it to be your wet, hot pussy, sweetheart. I want to make you scream here on my bed. God, you’re so wet when we fuck.”
My legs spread and my hand was on my clit, dinner completely forgotten. Levi urged me on, talking dirty till I came and heard him come over the phone. Four more days. Could I last? I was practically starving for the real thing. This would have to do till he got back.
I went to sleep and was up the next morning to feed my cats. I was checking my phone when I felt suddenly like I would throw up. I stopped feeling like I would throw up because I did throw up, violently, dry heaving when everything that could come up had come up.
Was that the Thai food I had had last night? I had barely eaten any, refrigerating it after getting off the phone with Levi. Should I call Zahira? The fact that I wanted to call her confirmed that I knew what it was—what I thought it was. I wouldn’t call her because I thought I had food poisoning.
She came over after work, and she looked at the test before I did so she could tell me the news first. It would be good news if getting pregnant had been something I had been trying to do.
The one thing Levi had given me that he probably hadn’t meant to. Those four days, three days now before I could see him again… I could wait.
19
Audra
No alcohol. No shellfish. No soft-boiled eggs. Alright, I could do that. No raw meat or unpasteurized fish… that was fine too—I didn’t even eat any of that stuff, anyway. Limited caffeine from coffee, tea and chocolate. So basically, decaf for the next nine months. Limited cured meats and low mercury fish only.
Vitamins, doctor’s appointments, a healthy exercise and diet plan. So many rules. How did women do it before they knew all this stuff? Infant mortality was probably a lot higher back then, but mama got to enjoy a glass of Pinot Noir after dinner. That was horrible. This was no time for jokes.
Naturally, the first place I had gone after finding out I was pregnant was Google to figure out what to do with that information. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I should have known. I was pregnant for fuck’s sake; you think you’d notice something like that.
I had just thought it was my period. The symptoms, in my defense, are actually quite similar. The nausea had been a dead giveaway, though. It had been bound to happen. I had told him not to wrap it up. He would have if I’d asked him. He even offered, but nope. My irresponsibility and his virility came together, and this happened.
Whatever. What was done was done. There were no backsies with this. I was lucky there was work the next day because I got a chance to spend the day thinking about something besides the accidental conception—if you can call willful ignorance of contraception accidental. I hadn’t wanted there to be anything between us. Maybe our physical closeness would allow him to open up to me. It had made sense in my mind at the time, but obviously, I should have hopped on some BCP or something sooner. Shoved a diaphragm up there. Anything.
Since it was too late, however, I had to start thinking forward, not backward. A trip to an obstetrician was a good idea. Finding out my
various restrictions was another. Telling the dad seemed like a good idea, but the dad was Levi, and the thought of telling him was almost laughable. It was the worst thing I could possibly do.
I wasn’t stupid. Or maybe I was, depending on which way you looked at it.
I wasn’t going to just tell him. I had hardly finished telling myself. This wasn’t something I could just tell him even if I wanted to. I could see it. Me telling him and him losing his mind. Screaming, ugly words, accusations, pointed fingers. Nothing good. In none of these thoughts did Levi just hug me and say it was alright and we’d figure it out.
There was no way he wanted this. I’d just break up with him, move and never contact him again. I’d have the child and tell them like my mother told me; they didn’t have a dad. I’d appoint a male role model to act as father figure and boom. Problem solved.
I had grown up without a father, and I’d turned out fine. Better than fine. I wasn’t a drunk or dead somewhere. I had gotten through my teens without getting pregnant. I had never felt angry at my mother for not letting me meet my father; I got whatever I lacked from his absence in other people. My uncles, grandfather, the men who worked with Mom when I’d hang out backstage as she performed, male teachers… I had many dads, sort of. It was fine.
Maybe by the time the end of the week came, I’d have changed my mind. Maybe I’d see him face to face and feel open enough to say something. Till then, I wasn’t saying anything. I’d worry about him later because shockingly, he was the least of my worries or the least pressing of my various pressing concerns. I was pregnant. There was so much shit I couldn’t do anymore.
One thing I didn’t even know I could no longer do was to clean out my cats’ litter boxes. This was a problem because I had not one, but two cats. It was an even bigger problem because they were Sphynxes; basically, hairless poop machines. Their metabolisms were so high from trying to keep themselves warm they literally pooped all the time.
Levi (Heartbreakers & Troublemakers Book 4) Page 14