by L. R. W. Lee
She moaned and grasped her head.
Four, five, six, seven times, and she collapsed onto her side into a ball and panted.
“You can make the pain stop. It’s up to you.”
Her lack of response had me dig my claws deeper and go slower on the eighth, ninth, and tenth passes.
That got a bigger reaction. Finally, she screamed. Progress.
“Just tell me. I know you want to.”
But still she kept silent. How much would she endure for her ideal? It bordered on the ridiculous.
On the fifteenth pass, she retched all over herself. The smell was more than offensive, but I sensed she was nearly ready to tell me. She couldn’t last much longer.
The sixteenth and seventeenth passes had her completely emptying her stomach’s contents, and she’d already screamed her voice nearly into exhaustion. We were almost there.
The breakthrough came when my claws were halfway across her mind on the nineteenth pass.
She whispered, and I couldn’t make out what she said, so I leaned over her balled-up form. The stench of her retching nearly made me add the contents of my stomach to the mess, but I swallowed hard and put my ear near her mouth.
“Tell me again, daughter. I couldn’t hear you.”
“V… Vel...”
“Velma helped Alissandra escape?”
She barely moved her head, but it was enough to acknowledge.
My eldest had been the instigator. No surprise. Velma and I hadn’t seen eye to eye for quite some time, but she’d never blatantly encouraged her siblings to go against me. There was a first for everything. She’d become a bad influence, and I would have to deal with her.
“Very good, Alfreda. See, that wasn’t so hard to tell me, was it? You could have saved yourself so much suffering. You knew you couldn’t outlast me. But I am impressed by your determination. I didn’t figure you would last as long as you did.” I patted her thigh, then rose.
“Morfran,” I called.
“Yes, my liege.”
“Let her sleep a bit, but then its right back at it with her charge. He needs to find Alissandra and that human. They’ll be awake for a while and no doubt traveling if their recent activities are any indication. He needs to make better progress, or we’ll never find them.”
“Yes, my liege.”
“Use whatever force is required.”
“I understand.”
I ducked as I strode out of the central chamber. “Zagan, take another troop and retrieve my daughter Velma. You’ll find her at the palace of sand maidens. Bring her here in secret, then send word.”
“Yes, my liege.”
I’d had a nightmare, at least that’s what I’d originally thought, but as it dragged on, I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. In my dream, calamity would befall Kovis and Ali if I didn’t reach and protect them before they left Flumen to return home from The Ninety-Eight. Terror had overwhelmed me, and I’d rushed out of Veritas in a daze, not even taking time to inform my guards of my intentions or destination.
I rode hard, fear compelling me. I had to reach them in time. I was in a haze as my dream continued over so many sunrises and sunsets that I lost count. I’d sighed with relief when I imagined I reached the competition. It was the only place I could have been with crowds that size.
While I’d known Ali would have to fight, what I saw seemed crazy. Her competitors forfeited in the final round. Forfeited. Competitors in The Ninety-Eight would never forfeit. I sighed with relief because only dreams thrived on the absurd.
But before Ali cleared the arena, a blade hurled at her, struck her back, and she fainted. My heart climbed into my throat. This was fast becoming a night terror.
The next thing I knew, another sunrise came and I talked to Ali. She’d been healthy, and I’d exhaled for the first time in a long time. What I’d said to her, I couldn’t remember. Kovis had bounded to her side, his leathers not even done up properly, and interrupted us. He begged her not to come to me. Like the rest of it, it made no sense. My brother wouldn’t have done that, but such was the way of dreams.
My dream shifted, and when I next opened my eyes, Ali and Kovis were nowhere to be found. I was hungry, but that urgent, ominous feeling that they were still in danger again overrode my hunger, and I rode after them, to the point of exhaustion. My welfare didn’t matter. I needed to find them again before something happened.
At points, my mind sensed that this nightmare had persisted for too long, nearly an eternity. I couldn’t ever remember a dream like it. It had become a haze of sorts, outside of time. But try as I may, I couldn’t wake. I wasn’t sure whether to be alarmed or not. But that sense of urgency only intensified. I had to track them, find them.
It almost seemed as if they were trying to hide from me, and I again reminded myself that dreams didn’t have to make sense. It didn’t matter. I knew Kovis as well as I knew myself, and I knew all his little tricks to hide their path. Only someone who knew my twin like I did and could anticipate his moves would ever be able to track him; he was that good. I’d picked up his trail, so it would only be a matter of time before I found them and they’d be safe. I just knew it. At least I told myself that.
I felt completely parched, and I panted, dreaming I trotted Onyx, my raven stallion, up a steep hill. I’d thought I’d been close, but in my haste, it seemed I’d somehow missed one of Kovis’s telltale signs—the virtually invisible swish markings he left behind as he tried to erase their tracks with his water magic. I knew because I hadn’t seen any of Alshain’s or Fiona’s footprints in quite some time. Despite my prowess, he’d outfoxed me again and I’d need to backtrack. Urgency reasserted itself and compelled me onward.
The sun beat down on me from its peak, and I wiped my arm across my brow. I was so thirsty.
“Let them stop and rest.” I’d begun hearing voices—a woman’s and a man’s to be exact. The woman always pleaded my case, but the man she beseeched either ignored or snarled. The woman wasn’t Rasa, couldn’t be because no man in his right mind would say the things this one did to my sister and expect to live. It wasn’t Ali either. I knew the voice of my love. I couldn’t place it.
In my haze, thoughts flitted about my mind. Was this really a dream or had I suddenly, inexplicably, gone mad? Was this how people who could no longer reason experienced the world? Would I ever stop dreaming and return to myself? Or was this to be the way of things until I perished? If it was, I’d sooner leave this life. I couldn’t dream endlessly, thinking I wandered the world, Kovis and Ali forever in peril. I couldn’t.
Ali had said she was a sand maiden and that her sister, Alfreda, was mine. So, why didn’t her sister awaken me? Wouldn’t that be part of her responsibilities? Where was she when I really needed her? Unless, of course, Ali had been jesting, her whole story a farce. But she’d seemed so earnest, so insistent as she told me.
I loved Ali. Could I focus on that notion and have it be my guide back to sanity? If I could just see her again, talk to her, surely I’d wake from this nightmare.
Ali was incredible. After what I’d allowed, she’d still kissed me. Yes, that kiss… she’d been just as passionate as me. What kind of woman was so kind, so loving, so compassionate that she could look past what I’d done and kiss me so thoroughly? I felt unworthy of her. We shared… feelings. It was clear.
Ali. Just her name sent a calm through me. I’d never felt about anyone what I did her. I could be completely open, and she wouldn’t judge me. We could bare our very souls to each other.
Wait. Wait.
Was this whole nightmare the gods punishing me for what I’d allowed to happen to her? My conscience had burned ever since. I’d welcomed it as penance. I deserved to feel as I did. But had the gods decided it wasn’t enough? The thought thundered through the haze, and my heart sped. I’d only been following the Council’s intake manual—the excuse, my old friend, tempted me once more. I again beat back that ugly, nagging truth that no manual for prisoner treatment would ever condone what I
had done.
Kovis covered in blood, howling, and convulsing, some strange naked lady in his room—the horrific images again terrorized my thoughts. All reason had fled. She’d gotten into his bedroom while he was asleep. Panic and rage had filled me. I refused to be comforted by the fact that she hadn’t succeeded in harming him, because she could have. I’d acted on pure instinct. No one would harm my family. And after what we’d endured, I wasn’t about to be gentle. I’d needed answers that very heartbeat, and I’d used whatever means necessary to get them. I’d been out of control, and I was ashamed.
The gods knew what I’d done, and this daze seemed of their making—it forbid thinking or reasoning or relying on myself. I was completely vulnerable and at their mercy. I had no doubt it’s how they would want a subject needing correction. What punishment would they be satisfied with? I shuddered. I deserved everything they threw at me, but would I be strong enough to withstand it?
If I endured, my conscience would finally be clean before them—the rogue thought broke through the malaise. I needed to apologize to the gods. Not some quick, cheap attempt to appease—no, that would only anger them more. I needed to be honest, to lay myself bare at their mercy. So I cried out with every ounce of earnestness I possessed.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t bear the thought of Kovis coming to harm. I panicked. I needed answers and would have permitted any punishment to get them. So I ignored when my men…” I stopped myself. I wasn’t taking ownership by blaming my men. I had been responsible for their actions. I should have stopped them, but I hadn’t. I’d actually looked away, as if it would keep me unsullied. I was a miserable wretch. I couldn’t even honestly apologize to the gods. I shook my head.
I owed Ali an apology, a truthful one this time. My conscience again seared like a hot iron. My first had been a joke. I’d blamed the rule book. She didn’t know what it said, and it had been an easy scapegoat in the face of me lacking the balls to admit why I’d allowed what I had. I’d buried my guilt as the lie slipped from my lips. And when she’d bought it, my very soul had burned with shame. Enduring the gods’ punishment might be easy compared to her reaction when I confessed. I grimaced. She deserved the truth; I only prayed she’d take me back. No, she would. Our love would overcome even this. I refused to acknowledge any other outcome.
I felt utterly exhausted, but I continued on. I had to find Kovis and Ali before something happened to them. I loved them both too much to have them come to ruin because of me. Would the gods cause them pain and make me watch as part of my punishment? My stomach rolled at the thought. Too much had happened to Rasa. If harm came to anyone else I loved because of me…
I dreamed that I pulled back on Onyx’s reins as we crested a hill. I had to reach them. Only thoughts of Ali and the life I hoped we might build together eased my panic and kept me going as weariness, hunger, and thirst consumed me. I feared I might faint.
“Please, let them stop.” That woman’s voice had turned pleading.
Hope rose in me. Exhaustion would win if no one showed mercy. But nothing happened. No food or water appeared after what felt like an eternity, and my spirits plummeted. The gods had chosen to ignore my need, as was right. They pressed my punishment. I hadn’t yet sufficiently paid for my transgressions, not to their satisfaction. Keeping Ali and Kovis under constant threat, just out of reach, only added to it, and the gods knew it. This was a test of endurance, and I would never give up, not when their lives were on the line.
I clicked, urging Onyx back into a cantor. I forced my thoughts to stray from the frustration of the situation and again found my only solace in Ali. She was forgiving and optimistic, and she cherished my art, my expression of me. We were so much alike, and my heart overflowed with love for her. This and similar thoughts eased the trial for some time.
I sighed as I picked up on Kovis and Ali’s trail again. They would not come to harm because of me. I didn’t care how hard the gods made it.
The sun set in this unending dream, the haze clouding all but my immediate surroundings. Sunrises, sunsets, light, dark—time had become meaningless. Everything seemed meaningless, except for the continual press of needing to find them.
The gods must have decided I hadn’t yet turned from my wicked ways, or they believed I’d return to them if they released me and let me find my loved ones. What more would they put me through? If only they’d have told me what to do to atone, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Anything to be done with this endless nightmare. Anything.
In my haze, I collapsed under a tree near a riverbank. I drank my fill of water, which had never tasted so sweet. Onyx waded in the shallows, enjoying the refreshing coolness as well.
An inquisitive pheasant strutted near to see what manner of beasts we were. My stomach rumbled, and I conjured a dagger. I didn’t have energy to magic another. My aim would have to be true. I sighed, relieved, when the fowl dropped to the ground, its demise in the blink of an eye. No suffering. Too quick for pain. If only the same would happen to me, but it couldn’t. If I perished, Ali and Kovis would be lost. I’d thought confessing to Ali would be far worse, but the gods’ punishment was too much. I was at the end. I could endure no more.
“Please, you must allow him to rest. You’ll kill him before he finds the pair!” The woman again pleaded on my behalf.
I wondered if the gods had her there to tempt me to hope that someone cared about my plight, only to crush me when the authority ignored her. It worked. Every damn time.
I was always so hungry and thirsty that I thought I might faint. I’d tried to stop allowing hope to grow at hearing her voice—she’d begged too often. I knew no food or water would appear. It never had. Only devastation at the man’s indifference or a tongue-lashing rose in its wake.
I tried to tune her out when I heard her anymore—I focused on Ali and my love for her—but I wasn’t always successful. No doubt the gods smiled then. They probably laughed when panic at my continued failure to find her and Kovis overwhelmed me too. Yes, they were seeing that I paid for my sins tenfold, one hundredfold, or more.
My dream went on and on and on. I’d walked and ridden and eaten and drank and slept and pissed and still the nightmare, the haze, hadn’t ended.
The woman howled, then barked in pain.
The gods had caught on to my game and had made it increasingly difficult for me to ignore her because she now yipped or screeched or howled courtesy of the man, if she pleaded my case too forcefully, which she was wont to do. Her agonized sounds were the same as when I interrogated uncooperative female prisoners. I’d ignored Ali’s pleas when she begged me to relent. But this woman’s pain made that pale in comparison. It nearly sent me over the edge—she endured pain, not caused by me, but on my behalf, and that made it so much worse.
I wanted to pummel the man, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t see him, much less grab him in dreams. The gods had to know it cut me to the core—it brought back the horrors of my past. They were accomplishing their ends all right. I thought they’d already broken me, but clearly not enough because this nightmare persisted.
When would it end? How much more penance would they require of me? I couldn’t endure more. Perhaps that was the point. Perhaps they sought to push me over the edge of what I could bear. Somehow, they’d decided I hadn’t yet reached that point. But I had to endure no matter what. I couldn’t go through this ever again. I forced my thoughts to something pleasant, how Ali and I would paint and read and make music together.
Onyx plodded under the setting sun. He’d always been a good mount, and despite our trial, he was bearing up well, or so I dreamed despite both of us being spent. Only the fact that I’d found fresh tracks buoyed me. We were getting close to them.
I gazed into the distance and realized I could see farther and more clearly than I’d been able the entire dream. We trod in a forest, and the leaves and branches and shrubs came into sharp focus. The panic that had been my constant companion eased. My mind whirled. Was I finally waking from
this nightmare? Had I done sufficient penance? Were the gods done with me, a foolish mortal?
The haze attempted to reassert itself, but I focused and beat it back. I needed to make it end. I couldn’t let it have me again.
As I took in my surroundings, my heart began to race. I sat upon Onyx. Mud splattered the legs of my leathers. Except for birds and small ground animals, we were completely alone. Onyx stopped, turned his head, and eyed me, as if unsure what I’d do next, despite he and I having developed a trusting relationship over nearly twenty annums.
Fear overwhelmed me as I looked for something, anything familiar. Where were we? How had we gotten here? How long had we been riding? What had happened to me? A new wave of panic surged through my gut. Nothing was familiar. Not one thing. I had no idea where we were, much less when.
Onyx whinnied, then bobbed his head, his way of telling me to follow his lead when I felt lost. How he always knew, I’d never deduced, but he’d never failed me. At times, I thought I was just his puppet and he humored me.
“Okay, boy, lead us.”
Onyx meandered around and through the gaps in the undergrowth and through the dense foliage as the light faded. I prayed that, once we emerged, I’d recognize something. Never in my life had I felt so lost and alone in the world. What awaited us? No, I couldn’t think about that. I’d face it when it came.
I’d finally awoken, and it could only mean one thing—I’d done sufficient penance to satisfy the gods. Never, ever would I test them again. And my conscience was now clean before them. If only it was before Ali too. But this was a start.
I’d have to be careful not to hurt Kovis, but Ali needed to know my feelings for her. How I wished there was a way to undo time and make it so it hadn’t happened, but I couldn’t. I loved her wholly and completely, and I would bare my very soul to her as I apologized. She would forgive me. I knew she would. And we would have a future together.