by L. R. W. Lee
I breathed out a shaky breath. “No.”
“Then what do you want to feel?”
“… alive.” It came out a whisper.
“I didn’t hear you.”
“… to feel alive.”
“Say it again.”
“I want to feel alive.”
“Again!”
I sat up. “I want to feel alive!” My roar rippled about the room. Only after my words fell silent did I pour out more. “I want to feel again, like I do when Ali’s near. I want to laugh with her. I want to hold her. I want to enjoy a sunset, marvel at the stars again, laugh with my siblings. I want to be passionate about… something, anything.”
“Yes. That is living.” She looked at me earnestly. “It’s not forgiving or forgetting what was done to you. Living is pushing the poison out by embracing what you truly want. Fill yourself up so completely with life and what is good that the darkness has no room. Be so consumed with living that you have no time or desire to entertain these thoughts any longer. Embrace life. Suck every bit of passion from it.”
My mind whirled and made simple what she’d said: Don’t forgive or forget, but make it so insignificant in comparison that poisonous thoughts no longer controlled me. Could I do that?
“You don’t mind if I call you Kovis, do you? It’s what I’m more accustomed to.” A corner of her mouth hitched up. “It’s true. Alissandra is the granddaughter of my Grace, do you really think I wouldn’t personally dabble in your relationship with her?”
She’d talked about me with Thea? Had she messed with me? Us? I opened my mouth, but she waved her hand.
“You cannot experience the plans I have for you until you overcome your pain. And you cannot overcome your pain until you face it. It is the prism through which you see life. It must change.” As if administering a healing balm, she added, “You and Alissandra belong together. You have been made for each other, and I want to bless you, but you prevent me.” She frowned but then schooled her face once more into the sultry seductive one I’d first met.
With her finger, she motioned for me to rise and approach. She flicked her brows then patted the covers beside her. She still wanted sex? Confusion overwhelmed my mind. This made absolutely no sense. I thought she’d wanted me. But she wanted to bless Ali and me. So how could she possibly want… What god or goddess wanted to enjoy a human first before blessing them? She was insane. My mind ceased to reason, and I clung to what I loved. This was Ali. She was Ali. I knew she wasn’t, but I desperately embraced the notion, refusing to let it go. I couldn’t cope any other way.
I wiped an arm across my eyes and struggled up, despite being emotionally and physically drained. I crossed the four remaining steps to her and sat gingerly beside her bare leg. And groaned. Sex with her?
Fondling Ali’s ladies always excited me. Would she expect me to caress hers? Small mercy, my manhood didn’t respond to the thought. But would it? She knew how weak I was as a man, and she was using it to her advantage. Damn me. I’d have no control the heartbeat I laid eyes on them. It was utterly unfair.
“Tell me about Dierna.”
What? She startled me from my stormy thoughts. Dierna. She wanted to know about Dierna. No. No more. I gave her a long, pleading look. How did Dierna have anything to do with blessing Ali and me? “You already know.”
She ran a caressing hand up and down my bare back. “Yes, I do, but I need to hear it from you.”
I fought the urge to stiffen. I needed to be convincing. This was Ali. It was Ali caressing me. I took my time forcing myself to envision my love rubbing my back. Only Ali. Her hand felt reassuring, and I told her all the facts—I couldn’t bear to endure the emotion of it, so I sequestered what was still so raw.
But when I finished, she asked, “And how did she make you feel?” She drew out the last word.
I was too tired to shout—that alone stayed my tongue. Had the facts not fully exposed my hurt? Was she going to force me to recount my deepest wounds? Ali would never do that to me. Couldn't I just show her my wings again? I knew the answer even before she replied.
“Not yet. While I must confess that I am seduced,” her voice oozed sensuality as she reached behind me and ran a finger across the top of one, “we’ll get to these magnificent wings of yours soon enough.”
A shiver ran through me. Damn. Hades burn me.
I couldn’t help myself. I bared my soul to her, fully and completely. I held nothing back. I’d felt used, betrayed, lied to. Dierna had utterly and completely broken my trust. Our relationship had been a lie, a charade. The pain was still so visceral, so real. The agony of it poured forth from my very soul. How was I to fill myself up so these feelings had no room inside me anymore?
“Tell me again what it means to live.”
I took a deep breath and repeated what I’d spoken of my love for Ali, of the pleasures of life, of passion and wonder and dreaming. I needed to cling to the good things and refuse the old.
“You’ve held all this pain inside for far too long. No human is meant to endure so much.” She ran a hand across my chest and hummed her pleasure, but I was so spent my groin had no reply. Good.
Dite kicked off her heels and moved over to one side, then rested her elbow on the pillow and patted the one beside.
She still wanted sex. How could I possibly perform—I had no desire for her. But we needed Dyeus’s help. This was Ali. I’d be having sex with Ali. I’d repeat the mantra as long as I had to. I roused, kicked off my boots, and stretched out beside her, my head in my hand on the pillow opposite. Her hand found my chest in a heartbeat, and it roamed freely as I stared past her, gathering my strength.
Her hand circled lower and lower until she traced the top of my pants. “Dare to bare.” It wasn’t a question. She wasn’t giving me the option to decline.
My eyes found hers, and I gave her a long look. She smiled sweetly.
“What most scares me about opening myself fully to Ali is...,” she said. She somehow knew I’d held back. This was the crux of it and what everything had been leading to. And here I'd been preparing to pleasure her. She hadn’t wanted sex, every instinct told me so. But how could this be the pleasure she sought? I wasn't prepared to answer. At all.
Her look was fierce. “Ali gave up her immortality for you. Answer my challenge.”
My mind slogged with the last threads of stamina. Ali had only ever been supportive and looked after my best interests, even when I didn’t deserve it. She’d endured each and every time my insecurities put her to the test. Which was why I'd finally surrendered to her demand that I not battle my darkness alone but let her help me. So what was holding me back? I squirmed, but Dite’s caress never wavered.
Fear of being hurt? She’d never hurt me, not intentionally. I knew that now. Fear of being vulnerable? Of her judging me and being found lacking? Fear of being exposed?
No, it was none of these. I had nothing to fear, not with Ali. She knew the mess I was. She saw past my insecurities and still loved me. I could trust her completely. I let the thought flood my mind. Overwhelm me. Infuse itself into every fiber of my being. Only I stopped me. My mind. What I clung to. Ali loved me fully. I took in a breath as if for the first time and let serenity take root in me. This was living.
Dite had accomplished what I’d been unable to. She’d been brutal, but her method had worked—I’d felt my pain, viscerally, and I’d pushed past it with the weapon she’d given me. New energy filled me. I would not allow my past to drown out my future. Ali was everything to me. And I was armed.
Dite smiled and pulled her hand back, as if sensing my conclusion. “So what are you waiting for? Give yourself to her completely.”
“You never wanted sex, did you?”
Pfft. “You delude yourself if you think you could handle me. Now go.”
I grinned as I grabbed my shirt and boots and headed for the door. Relief washed over me, but I was utterly drained, and so when my wild, reckless side rose unbidden, I couldn’t control
it. I stopped and rustled my wings. “You sure?” I flicked my brows.
She just laughed. “You are seductive. I enjoyed the intimacy we shared,” she drew out the word and ran her tongue across her lips, “but let’s not destroy it with sex.” She winked. “Ali is one very lucky lady.”
I burst out laughing. “Thank you… for everything. Truly.” It sounded weak, but it was all I had.
“Save your words. Go make Ali happy. That’s how you can thank me.”
I leaned against the door after it shut. I’d thought she was playing my game, but I’d been playing hers the whole time. She’d known about me and had seized the opportunity to rescue me from myself… for Ali. She’d wanted nothing for herself. Despite appearances, it had been a selfless act to come here, and I felt unworthy.
As if listening to my thoughts, Dite yelled through the door. “I’m addicted to love, what can I say. Now go enjoy intimacy with your beloved while I go talk to Daddy.”
I grinned as I dressed, then made my way to find my love, and life, because for the first time, I knew I could do this.
I’d gone out of my mind since Kovis left the dining room with Aunt Dite. I’d tried the bond countless times to no avail. “Trust me,” it was all he’d said. I trusted him. I wasn’t so sure I trusted her. She was the love goddess for pity’s sake. Seduction had blanketed the dining room. No good could come of this, but no one dared interrupt what was no doubt happening, not with Dite. I resisted the urge to hold myself.
Farfelee, Amelia, all my sisters along with Mema had tried to calm me. I didn’t want to be calm. I wanted Kovis.
We’d retreated to the third floor sitting room. I paced, and they made efforts to stitch on their latest projects, but with the constant glances I felt on my back, not much progress was being had. They’d given me hugs and all manner of support until Mema had gotten fed up and commanded we do something to occupy ourselves. Moping wouldn’t speed things, she’d said.
Ali? Where are you?
I exhaled loudly. Kovis? Are you okay? I’m upstairs in the sitting room with my sisters.
My sisters converged on me in a heartbeat. Mema looked to be holding her breath where she remained seated, squeezing her needlework hoop.
“What is it?” Wynnfrith demanded.
“Kovis is done.” It came out sounding weird. Done. Done. What did it mean? I shivered.
Mema looked to be summoning her courage as she rose. “I’ll be seeing Aunt Dite out then.”
In silence, we all watched her leave. I could only imagine how awkward that conversation would be, and I thanked… the other gods I wouldn’t have to hear it.
Mema gave Kovis a long look as they passed each other at the door. He beamed.
I scrunched my face. My sisters’ eyes grew large, several drew a hand to their mouths.
“She’ll talk to Dyeus,” he reported.
Mema closed her eyes in relief. At least I hoped it was that and not with grief at what Kovis had… sacrificed? Endured? Enjoyed? for the goddess’s promise.
Kovis scanned the room and found me. Before I knew what was happening, he’d put his hands to my jaw and pressed a passionate kiss to my lips.
I love you so much, Ali dearest.
I tensed, then relaxed into the kiss. I didn’t know what I’d expected, but it wasn’t this.
Titters, oohs, and aahs erupted around us, but he didn’t relent. I finally pulled away to find the room empty and the door shut.
“What happened?”
Kovis ran his hand across my jaw and stared into my eyes.
“What did she do to you?” This wasn’t the man who’d gone with Dite. He hadn’t stopped smiling.
I pushed him back, trying to break whatever trance she’d put him in.
He took my hand and led me over to a divan. “I don’t know how to describe what happened,” he began.
Oh gods… whatever it was, we’d face it together.
“She made me feel so many things.”
I’m sure my eyes grew large. I didn’t want to hear this. But I did. “Tell me everything.”
He chuckled. “She said the same thing.”
“What did she want you to tell her?”
“After she asked me to remove my shirt…”
Oh gods…
“She put some spell or something on me that forced me to cooperate.”
Oh no… this wasn’t happening.
“I felt as if I was inebriated.”
I braced.
“Then she demanded I tell her everything… about my scars.”
“Wait. What?”
“She forced me to tell her everything, including and especially how I felt about what happened.”
“Why?”
“To heal me of my darkness. She made me tell her what happened with Dierna too.”
Dite had rehashed his past? “Wait, I thought she wanted sex.”
“So did I, to start.”
“So you talked about your past and then she made you have sex with her? After all that?”
He chuckled. “No, she wasn’t finished cleaning out all the darkness that festered.”
Cleaning out his darkness? Kovis picked up my hand, then told me everything that happened. She’d been ruthless with him, yet he wasn’t upset. And he hadn’t shut down. How had she accomplished it? He never wanted to talk about the hurt. And I’d only ever known her reputation for seduction. This was anything but. But why was she interested in his darkness?
“And after all that”—he looked tired, but energized—“she forced me to realize I still held back—” He looked into my eyes. “—from giving every part of myself to you. She made me realize I hadn’t yet fully trusted you… with my whole heart.”
I drew a hand to my chest. Dite surprised me, but not that truth. Not really. Hope rose in my chest. “And?”
“Serenity. It’s all I can think to call it. It overwhelmed me the heartbeat I surrendered. I am the luckiest man alive, to have you.”
He leaned forward, but my lips reached his first. I couldn’t get enough of him. The door wasn’t locked, but I ignored that fact as I threw my arms around his neck and slid onto his lap. He was as hungry as I, for his eyes filled with longing.
“So this is where you had sex?” I asked.
He laughed. “No. This is where she told me I couldn’t handle her and to go get intimate with you.”
I snickered then pressed another kiss to his lips.
His shirt found the floor soon after, and my fingers danced across a spot at the base of his neck. He shivered but beamed. “Is that the spot?”
“What do you think?” Playfulness danced in my voice.
The fastener on my dress, just above my wings, hung open a heartbeat later and his fingers found my spot. My whole body trembled as he stroked it so, so gently.
“It seems so,” he said, smiling.
Heat blossomed between my legs. My dress felt constricting. “Off. Take my dress off.”
“I like these wings. What other spots do they have?” he purred, ignoring my plea.
“Please.”
He rose and fumbled with the buttons below my wings. I took advantage and ran a hand up and down his hardened manhood through his slacks.
“Hey.” He flinched back. “You’re slowing me down.”
I giggled, then reached up and unbuttoned his pants, and his manhood sprang free. We hadn’t been intimate since we’d arrived, so I hadn’t known how his member had fared but… the size of his wings definitely told a truthful tale.
“Kovis…”
He chuckled. “Yeah.”
I pulled his pants down as he removed my dress. I stood, and we both kicked off our shoes.
“Seems a bit trickier with wings,” he commented.
“Worried about being inexperienced?”
“I shall improvise.” He flicked his brows, then turned me around, tucked my wings under an arm, and found my breasts.
My hand had no problem finding his manhood. It rubbed
my leg. I rubbed it.
“Oh, Ali…,” he moaned.
I leaned back into him, giving him full permission to explore, to fondle, to pleasure me. And oh did it feel good. A moan escaped me too.
He took to nibbling my ear, then my neck as he ran his thumbs over my hard nipples. My knees about gave out.
I longed to give him more pleasure, so I stepped out of his arms and knelt before the edge of the divan. Looking over my shoulder, I bid, “Come.” I motioned with my finger.
Kovis froze.
What had I done?
He shook his head as if banishing a bad memory. “Dite tried to entice me that way. What is it with females and that damn finger?”
I didn’t want to hear how Dite had seduced him.
“Ali, we didn’t have sex.”
“Really?” I inhaled. That’s what it had sounded like, but I needed explicit reassurance.
“Really. She couldn’t handle me.”
I snorted as he stepped forward, spread my legs, and knelt behind me.
“Are you saying I have the move of a goddess?”
He burst out laughing. “And then some. She pales in comparison.”
I guffawed, but stopped short as his fingers found my center.
“Ali, there’s only you.”
Heat rippled through my entire being as he titillated me. I couldn’t keep my wings furled; they had a mind of their own and shot out, extending fully.
Kovis laughed, clearly delighted with his success. The next thing I knew, he massaged the spot at the base of my neck with one hand. Like a strengthening wave, excitement, passion, and tension built inside me. So good. So good. So, so good. It grew and grew and grew. It might drag me under. I prayed it would.
And then I felt his tongue between my legs. Spread fully in every way as I was, the gentle lick, then a suck was all it took to send me over the edge of sanity.
The wave slammed into me and swept me away. Happiness, euphoria, rapture, bliss drowned me, and I went limp in their embrace. I didn’t fight, didn’t need to breathe as they carried me wherever they pleased. I had no care for where they left me. No cares at all. No thoughts, just sensations.
Kovis kept me drowning with his continued ministrations, but the pace slowed, and I drifted aimlessly. I’d come up for air sometime. It didn’t seem all that important in this heartbeat. I slowed more, and reality nibbled at my mind, asking to be acknowledged. I resisted. This felt too good. But the present finally eased in. All tension ebbed from my body as the last of my pleasure dissipated. I felt drained, but happy, very, very happy as I opened my eyes.