‘That’s me.’ He knocked back half the pint in one go.
‘Do you know, I’m convinced I’ve seen you somewhere before.’
‘I shouldn’t think so, but I’m flattered.’ He gave her a wink. Been a while since he’d been chatted up.
Her face flushed but she looked puzzled. ‘Wasn’t Chloe fantastic? You must be so proud.’
Max nodded and finished his beer.
‘I’m Miss Smith, Helen. Chloe’s singing teacher.’ She held out a small hand, cold and limp.
‘Oh I see, I thought you were… you know.’
The woman laughed as if he was joking.
‘I didn’t know she had a singing teacher.’
‘Well, it is my first term here.’
‘So you taught Chloe to sing?’ He was amused that she was blushing again.
‘Not really. I helped her discover her voice.’
‘Well it wasn’t there last term.’ Max grinned.
Miss Smith’s laugh was an embarrassing shriek. He turned away, hoping she’d take the hint. There was still no sign of Maddy and Chloe.
‘Can I get you a drink?’ He turned back to her now she had quietened down.
‘I remember now,’ she said, waving a finger at him, ‘I saw you at my last school. You were with Jamie Wood, at his school play. He played a very convincing Joseph.’
‘That wasn’t me. You’re thinking of someone else.’ He suddenly felt wide awake.
‘Oh, really? I suppose I must be. Although you have the kind of face a woman doesn’t forget.’ Her face turned tomato red.
‘What are you drinking?’ He steered her towards a table, letting his fingers linger on her arm. She was a good-looking woman but dangerous if she started spouting off in front of Maddy.
‘Sparkling water, please.’ She gazed up at him longer than necessary. He smiled and winked, let her think he was interested. Hopefully keep her trap shut if she thought she was in with a chance.
‘Wait here, I’ll bring it over.’ He patted her arm.
While he was waiting to be served at the bar, Maddy turned up with Chloe. They were talking to Helen. Shit. They kept looking in his direction, but he couldn’t catch Maddy’s eye. She didn’t look too happy, but then he was already in the doghouse.
‘What have you two been gassing about?’ He laughed nervously.
‘Miss Smith says Chloe has exceptional talent,’ Maddy said, taking the drink from him.
He pulled a face at Miss Smith to say sorry. Miss Smith lowered her eyelashes which told him he wasn’t to worry.
‘The last singing teacher was useless,’ Maddy said. ‘It’s great that you’ve joined us here. Where were you before?’
‘I was just saying to your husband, I’ve recently moved down from Huntingdon.’
Max glared at Helen, willing her not to say any more. She shot him a seductive glance under her eyelashes. Cheeky mare.
‘It’s so exciting to come across a voice like Chloe’s.’ Miss Smith touched Chloe’s shoulder.
‘We had no idea she could sing so well,’ Maddy said. ‘She’s always been chosen for the choir, but we hadn’t heard her sing solo apart from the odd tune in the shower.’ They all laughed.
‘Let me fetch some more drinks,’ Max said.
Chloe followed him.
‘Why were you late, Dad?’
‘I told you, I got held up at work.’ He leaned over the bar and ordered another glass of sparkling water and an orange juice. He ground his teeth together. What kind of fucking dad lies to his kids? His own dad, that’s who. Well bloody done, he’d become as useless as his own father.
‘But you nearly missed it.’
‘I know, darling, and I’m as annoyed as you are, believe me, sweetheart.’ He kissed the top of her head and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘I promise I won’t miss anything again.’ This was killing him, he had to put a stop to it before he destroyed everyone he loved.
* * *
Back home, Sarah was sitting alone in their living room, watching Back to the Future.
‘Did Emily and Sophie get to sleep okay?’ Maddy asked, taking her coat off. She hung it over the back of a chair.
‘Out like a light.’ Sarah topped her wine up from a bottle on the table. ‘You having a glass of something?’
‘Thanks, I’ll get myself some lime cordial,’ Maddy said.
‘Max?’
‘I’ll have a beer.’
‘You’ll never guess who has a voice like an angel.’ Maddy put her arm around Chloe.
‘Has she really?’ Sarah sat up.
Chloe nodded. Max smiled as he left the room.
In the kitchen, he took a Guinness out of the fridge. There was a letter for him on the counter. Huntingdon Borough Council was stamped in red on the front. He opened it. Bloody parking fine. He stuffed it into his trouser pocket. Maddy walked in and took a glass out of the cupboard and a box of éclairs out of the fridge.
‘Did you get your post?’
Max didn’t answer. He poured his Guinness into a pint glass.
‘A letter – from Huntingdon Council, wasn’t it? I meant to tell you.’
He sipped the head of his beer and, without thinking, put his hand in his pocket. The crackling sound of the plastic window gave him away.
‘What is it about?’ she asked. ‘Looked like something official.’ She put the glass and cakes down. He was dumb for being late tonight, dumber for thinking he could live like this and get away with it.
‘It’s nothing.’ He drank a mouthful of beer, hoping she’d move on to something else.
She took a plate out of the cupboard and put the cakes on it.
‘Come on, let’s see.’ She was laughing now, her fingers wriggling in the air towards him.
He stepped back but her hand dipped into his pocket and swiped the letter.
She peered into the envelope. ‘A parking fine?’ She frowned.
‘From a job up there, that’s all.’ He snatched it out of her hand.
‘You didn’t tell me.’ She wasn’t smiling any more.
‘Do I have to tell you everything?’ He drank down his beer and stomped up the stairs.
In the bathroom he locked the door and took out the letter. Two weeks ago, in High Street, Huntingdon, at 8.05 p.m. He looked again at the date. He’d taken Ali out for a meal at the George Hotel. Some bugger must have swiped it off his windscreen while they were in the restaurant. How could he be so careless? He stuffed it back in the envelope. Chloe was coming up the stairs as he came out.
‘You were a superstar tonight, Angel.’
‘Thanks, Daddy.’
‘Off to bed then.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘Call me when you’re ready and I’ll come and read you a story.’
‘Not tonight, Daddy, I don’t feel very well.’
‘What’s wrong? Do you want me to get you some medicine?’
Chloe shook her head. He put his hand on her forehead. It felt a bit warm, but they’d known worse, like the time both girls went down with chicken pox.
‘You’ve had a big night. You’ll feel much better in the morning.’
Chloe went in her room and didn’t answer.
He felt sick too, at being late, at having to lie about everything he did and where he’d been, it was exhausting. He took his old suitcase down from the wardrobe and pushed the letter into a hole in the lining, stop Maddy having a proper nosy. He needed to pay it pronto. He took his boots off and stood at the window. The new moon was so dark in shadow, it wasn’t visible. It was known as a black moon, and Gran would tell him it was a bad sign. Hardly needed that, did he? He was getting too careless; he mustn’t let this happen again. He’d never forgive himself if Maddy and the girls found out the truth. Did he still want to be with Alison? She was breaking him financially, but what about Jamie? He couldn’t bear not to be around for him growing up and he certainly didn’t want someone like Tony stepping in. But he’d have to make a decision soon: he had two babies on the way and time was runn
ing out.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
The next morning, Max set off to work earlier than usual. A job near Luton Airport was going to bring in big bucks. He stopped at the services on the way and checked his mobile before getting out of the van. One missed call from Ali. He paid for his coffee and bacon roll then rang her.
‘I can’t talk for long,’ he said straight away.
‘The washing machine broke down last night. When will you be home?’
‘The plumber’s number is on the notice board. Give him a call and mention my name. Tell him it’s an emergency and you need him there today.’
‘I’m not sure I’ll have enough cash.’
‘Ask him how much he’ll charge first.’
‘But I don’t get paid until the end of the week.’
Max drummed his fingers on the dashboard. The joint account was already in the red.
‘And don’t forget,’ she continued, ‘we’re going baby shopping on Saturday.’
‘Are we?’
‘We need to choose a pram and a car seat.’
‘There’s plenty of time for all that.’
‘Not really, if you think about it. Anyway, I want to catch the sales and I’ve seen a pram I like.’
‘Can’t we get one second-hand?’ Max’s throat was dry. He sipped the coffee through the small hole in the lid and burnt the tip of his tongue.
‘You want me to have a used pram, covered in puke and God knows what?’
‘Obviously not like that, don’t be daft.’
‘Is there any cash left in the holiday jar?’
‘I had to borrow the last tenner for diesel,’ he said.
‘So how am I going to pay the plumber?’
‘Don’t you have any money?’ He looked at his roll cooling down; he liked it hot.
‘You know I’m overdrawn.’
‘Look, get him round to do the job and tell him you’ve only got a cheque.’
‘But it’ll bounce.’
‘He probably won’t pay it in until next Monday.’
‘So when will you be home?’
‘I don’t know yet. I’ll call you. Got to go.’ He clipped his mobile in the hands-free and started the engine. Moments later, it rang again while he waited at traffic lights on a major roundabout. He clicked the button on his steering wheel to answer it.
‘What now?’ he snapped. He couldn’t hear the voice at first, only sobbing which was faint and interrupted by silent breaks. He glanced at the number. Maddy. The lights were about to change.
‘I can’t hear you,’ he shouted, leaning down to the phone cradle.
‘Chloe’s dead,’ Maddy screamed, her voice almost unrecognisable. The lights turned amber, but Max froze. In slow motion the light dimmed and the green one shone. Chloe, his baby Chloe. She must be mistaken. Maddy was out of her mind. But her voice gabbled repeatedly, Chloe didn’t wake up this morning, she called her and shook her, but Chloe was dead.
He could hear Emily in the background now, wailing and screaming. The phone cut off.
He lay his head on the steering wheel, sounding the horn’s insistent drone until his whole body was vibrating. Someone tapped on the window, but Max didn’t respond. A policeman opened the van door and lifted Max off the wheel.
‘Sir, are you all right?’
Max couldn’t answer. His head lolled backwards as though he’d fallen a hundred feet through a glass floor.
‘Sir, can you hear me? Can I ask you to step out of the van, please?’
Max couldn’t feel his legs. He tried to move but collapsed at the policeman’s feet.
The policeman hauled him up and breathalysed him. The reading was clear.
‘Have you taken any drugs in the last 24 hours?’
Max shook his head. Tears fell from his eyes like fat drops of rain.
‘Why have you stopped here, sir?’
Max looked at the cars racing past. If he jumped now he’d catch the front of an articulated lorry.
‘Sir? Are you on any medication?’
‘You really want to know? Do you?’ he sobbed, pulling at his own hair.
‘You’re blocking the traffic, we need to get you moving.’
‘My daughter is dead,’ Max whispered. ‘My little girl with the voice of an angel.’ He cupped his hands as if she were still small enough to fit in them.
The policeman stared at him as he fumbled for his radio. ‘Where is she?’
‘At home.’ Max pointed to his mobile as if Maddy’s voice might repeat its mournful message. ‘She didn’t wake up this morning. She’s five years old for Christ’s sake.’ Max caged his face in his hands, shaking uncontrollably.
‘Okay sir, try and take some deep breaths. That’s it. Can you tell me where home is?’
‘Uxbridge. My home is in Uxbridge.’
‘Not far then. I’ll take you. We’ll get your vehicle moved, don’t you worry.’
Chapter Fifty-Nine
The days after Chloe died felt like they had been sucked into a black hole. Somehow, they got through the post-mortem revealing she had died of meningococcal septicaemia. He was left haunted by the image of her lying in her bed, her beautiful little face unrecognisable, mottled with purple blotches.
And after, the practicalities of ringing friends and arranging the funeral kept him busy in a strange way, but all the time, he longed to escape. He needed to see Ali and Jamie, to touch normality, know that it still existed.
Maddy had stopped cooking and washing herself and lay in bed all day, staring at the ceiling, sleeping or looking through old photos. She barely spoke. At night he could hear her wandering around the house and the garden. Most mornings he found her curled up on the carpet next to Chloe’s bed. She didn’t change her clothes for days. Thankfully Sarah took Emily under her wing and often came in to cook them meals and tidy up. But Maddy wouldn’t eat it. She’d put her hand to her throat as though any food she tried to swallow was stuck there. He had no appetite either, preferring the thought of collapsing into nothingness. Every room reminded him of Chloe. Her rainbow-coloured coat hung by the front door, red sandals kicked under the pew just as she’d left them. In the living room, a pottery squirrel she’d made at nursery for his birthday and her favourite film, Frozen, in its box next to the television. The kitchen cupboards were plastered with hers and Emily’s artwork. The calendar she made at school last Christmas hung on the back of the door.
He wandered into the garden one morning to have a cigarette. The slide she had pestered them to buy, the climbing frame and swing she’d spent hours playing on, all bitter reminders. When he closed his eyes he could hear her giggling. Emily wouldn’t go near the playground monuments. She wouldn’t even speak. He gazed up at the sky, trying to comprehend the enormity of his loss. As if in mourning too, the moon had disappeared.
Behind the playhouse, he found a bucket of pebbles she’d been collecting ready to paint and give away as gifts. He picked one out, licked his finger and wiped over it, bringing the colour to life for a few seconds. He wept silently for all the moments and milestones that would never be. Time frozen for his little girl, while his world kept spinning out of control.
He made a move to go inside as Emily came out of the kitchen. She stood in the centre of the lawn, a solitary figure staring into the distance. He stumbled towards her, sobbing now and tried to hug her but she pushed him away and wouldn’t speak.
* * *
After three weeks he decided to drive to Ali’s straight from work, explain everything, call things off. It had gone too far. He couldn’t keep doing this. His home was here with Maddy and Emily.
On the way, he stopped off at a local garage to fill up. In the shop, he grabbed a sausage roll and a carton of chocolate milk. At the till, he touched his card on the contactless pad.
‘It’s been declined.’ The girl serving smiled at him, chewing gum as she looked him up and down.
Max glared at her.
‘Shall I try it for you, sir?’
/> Max nodded and handed her his card. The young girl swiped it through the machine. He glanced behind him at the growing queue.
The card was declined again. Someone tutted.
‘Do you have another card I could try?’
‘Can’t you see I’m looking,’ he hissed, searching through his wallet. He had a current account in his other name, but that would look suspicious, wouldn’t it? He handed over another credit card. It was near the limit, but it might just see him through. ‘I don’t remember the pin number for this one.’ It went straight through, thank God.
‘Sign here, please.’
His hand was shaking as he took the pen. For a split second he couldn’t think which name to sign.
‘Come on, mate,’ someone called behind him.
The girl handed him a receipt. He snatched it and left, keeping his head down.
A few minutes later he pulled over in a lay-by and tipped the contents of his wallet onto the passenger seat. Two current accounts and four credit cards in both his names, all maxed out and only forty-five pence in cash. He felt too sick to eat. He’d handed his notice in to John that morning because he wasn’t getting him any work, and he couldn’t ask Tom for another sub: he knew what the answer would be. Three more weeks until payday. He pushed his hands into his face. He couldn’t go over to Ali’s now. She was bound to have some bill or other that needed paying or want cash for food or yet another pair of shoes. He’d have to go home, cap in hand and ask Maddy to bail him out, but she was in a right state and didn’t need more stress, especially from him. He should be supporting her through this. He was a useless, useless idiot, just like his father. Right at this moment, there was only one option left.
He started the engine and roared off into the night, not even knowing where he was heading, but did it even matter? Voices and conversations swirled around in his head. Alison shouting that her dad had been right about him all along and why didn’t he want to marry her when she’d picked out the perfect dress? And Maddy explaining how disappointed she was in him. How betrayed she felt that he’d had a child with another woman, used her money to set up home with her. How cocky and confident he’s been thinking he could keep both lives separate and make everyone happy. Hadn’t he just been pleasing himself? His mind flashed back to his father thrashing him with a belt for spilling a glass of orange juice, and his mother’s indifference, her coldness turning away, like they were strangers. Had he been a mistake, or just not lived up to their expectations? He’d never found out and Gran never told him, if she even knew herself. More than anything he’d desperately wanted to be a good father to his children. But he’d failed. On top of it all he had two babies on the way. He could barely cope now. What kind of life could he give any of them? If he stayed with Maddy, Jamie wouldn’t have him around. And how could he ever leave Maddy and Emily after everything they’d been through? The thought of abandoning any of them was killing him. And now, his beautiful, sweet baby girl was dead. He had to face up to the truth; he’d failed them all.
Every Little Secret Page 22