But all of us are shocked when in walks a four legged creature, one I recognize as being Willow, Julian's familiar. How he can travel so far away from him, I don’t understand. But there are a lot of things that are still mysterious about the Magistrate. Maybe Kagan sent him. Who knows?
In his mouth, he carries a letter, and he comes to set it on the table in front of me.
So, he’s playing messenger.
I open the paper, leaning away as Dru tries to look over my shoulder. I could still use some privacy on occasion.
I get up and pace the floor as I notice the letter is not from Kagan, but from Adriel. I recognize the handwriting and the greeting immediately.
My love, I was just informed about your visitor and about your sudden illness. I would imagine the two are related. I had no idea he would be here until afterward, and I don’t understand why he was sent when I was already here.
I am sorry I can’t come to you right now, but it's not safe. I don’t know when it will be safe to. Things are shifting. I can sense it, and their want to have you done with your schooling so soon, especially after trying to get you kicked out and failing you, can mean only that they are desperate to either have you on their side or to get rid of you, sending you into battle hastily.
We need to all be cautious moving forward. I am trusting you in Dru's hands alone. Lean on him until I can see you again. And be safe and strong.
Your angel.
I clutch the paper to my chest, my heart beating fast and hard. Should I write back?
Adriel mentioned that it isn’t safe, but maybe he used Willow to show me for now he is still on campus, that I still have a few hours to reach him before more distance begins.
With him, that distance is the hardest. It’s like Kagan and I can pick up where we left off, and Dru, the fun of it is him popping in and out unexpectedly, but Adriel, he's my oxygen. I can feel he is out there somewhere, but there is a looming fog between us that feels wrong.
I grab some paper, saying nothing to Jake or Dru as I write my reply. I want this to go back with Willow before it's too late.
I was afraid you knew and hadn’t said a word to me. Not that you could have, I guess. I am going to miss you, and I am sorry my rash actions caused us to not be together today. If I would have known…
Well, it’s too late for all that. But, …
I scratch it out and grab another piece of paper, aware of the eyes on me. I hate that I can’t seem to express in this letter what I feel I need to.
After three iterations, what I come up with is:
I love you, and I’ll miss you. You stay safe too, for me.
It isn’t much, but it’s the best I can do on the spot like this with so many thoughts running through my head in a flurry of anxiety.
I tuck the letter safely into Willow’s mouth, and he seems to know what he’s doing when he heads back out the door, hopefully to go straight to Adriel and not get hung up on the way.
I turn back to Dru and Jake who act as if they haven’t been watching me the whole time, which just makes me feel even more down and awkward.
I sit back down and hug a pillow to my chest, being the one to break the silence when I tell them, “He thinks that they want to get me in and have me killed sooner. That maybe they know or suspect something or have determined I’m too dangerous. I won’t be seeing him much now. He’s entrusted my safety to you.”
I look at Dru, meeting his dark eyes. There is something that passes between us entirely silently. It’s a lot of trust I am giving him in a short amount of time.
Possibly, even pressure, depending on how he looks at it.
Dru and I haven't had as much alone time as I have with the others, and what we have hasn’t been as die hard romantic.
It’s clear we have feelings for each other, but he is the most different of the three, and I have only brushed the surface with us, with our lust for each other. And here I am with my life in his hands and the same day asking him to act like we are exclusive and public on campus.
I don’t know how he feels, and I feel a tingle all over my body as he looks at me and I try to decipher what might be going through that dark mind of his.
It could be utterly dirty, perfect prose, or total hatred for all I know.
Why is he so hard to read?
"Do I need to leave the two of you alone?" Jake interrupts, and I look away.
Dru makes it worse as always. "Since we're all each other has, you'll have to get used to some longing looks from now on."
I throw the pillow I've been holding at him, trying to make light of things, but it doesn't make the heaviness in the air dissipate.
"You don’t always have to be like that," I say, sighing and putting my head in my hands. "Ugh, what are we going to do?"
"I think it’s clear. We go with more training, and we up the ante. If they want to throw you into battle, then you'll be ready for that as well as the bigger battle that’s coming."
"What do you mean by that?" Jake asks, and I think Dru is about to spit out what I am not ready to hear.
The end goal has crossed my mind every day since Adriel finally told me everything, but it's just about the worst end goal possible because no matter what kind of amazing supernatural being I am, I don’t know that me and every single person I love could survive it.
Dru’s right to be blunt. It’s what we all need. Hiding isn’t going to do it anymore. It’s do or die time.
"You can’t tell me that this doesn’t come down to a fight. We won’t be able to hide what she is now forever, and the Magistrate won't allow us or any others who know what they are up to, if it's all true, to live. So, to survive, we'll have to get rid of them."
Jake sucks in a breath, and I try to not panic. He said it, he really did.
"At this point, I don’t think it’s an if anymore. Something is wrong with the Magistrate. It’s just about proving who is involved and who isn't before we make a bad move."
I look around as I finish the sentence and let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. "Wow, it feels better than I thought it would to have that out on the table. I've been avoiding that until now."
"No point avoiding what’s knocking at our backdoor," Dru says, giving me that look again.
"So, we're going to fight the Magistrate then?" Jake asks.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"So, what do we do from here?"
"I think we need to keep the training up, keep up appearances, and be ready for anything."
"And we need to see if we can find out exactly what happened to your dad. I think it will make it clearer who is the enemy and who is just being drug into this," Dru adds.
I agree silently but can’t even begin to think about how it will hurt to learn the full truth of it.
"I think I need to sleep on this information," Jake says, standing up and heading for the door. I want to stop him, but I don't. I think he’s actually trying to give me alone time with Dru, which I think I need. I need to find out if this is moving far too fast for him.
"I sense you're wanting to talk about something," Dru says the moment the door closes. Even Ursula has let herself outside for now.
I step up to him, testing what he does if I get too close for comfort. Our foreheads touch, and I ask him my burning question. “Are you okay with any of this? Because if you aren’t, I won’t force you. I’ll figure something else out.”
“I am sensing you don't mean if I am okay with attacking the Magistrate because I know you know the answer to that.”
“Please, this is not the time to play around. I need a serious answer.”
He seals my lips with his, pushing against my body with his strength even as I fight him. He backs me into the couch until I am sitting on the arm, trying to hold myself up as his lips trail down my neck, causing my breath to come in gasps.
“Does that answer your question?” he asks breathlessly. “I want all of you. I am a selfish beast, Riley, don't ever forget that. I will take
advantage of every moment of this, and dying for you would be a great adventure.”
Chapter Eight
This is probably the most mature date I’ve ever had.
It should feel good. I mean, I haven’t seen Kagan in a while now. I feel like every time we talk, it’s always either a fight or him dismissing me because he’s too busy. But seeing him again, it’s less exciting than it is weird. It’s like I can’t get back into the groove with him like I usually do.
We fought about things before, including that I was in love with two other guys. I would think that if something was going to be the end of us then that would have, but now we weathered those challenges almost as if they were nothing. This hurdle that we’re on, I keep tripping over it. Tripping on my own two feet and wishing that I was a little bit less clumsy.
Kagan is at my apartment. He and his familiar are dancing around the kitchen making something for us to eat. We’re supposed to have a candlelight dinner and catch up then maybe a movie. And then maybe a little something else after the movie, but the important thing is that we reconnect.
However, there’s this thick air between us that I don’t like. A bunch of unspoken issues and questions, and I don’t know if he has these too or if it’s just a personal problem. And if it is, should I even bring it up at all? Should I just keep it all to myself over here?
It’s selfish for me to let this go on, though. So, if I’m not going to say anything then I need to let it go and move on. Or we are going to fail. And that would be a tragedy after everything we went through together.
He is my partner, my trainer, my teacher, the first guy I made love to. He’s a lot of things, and I’m not ready to lose him just yet.
“You’re welcome to come in here with me, maybe I can teach a thing or two.” His voice cuts into the living room where I am with Ursula. She gives me a side eye, probably knowing exactly what kind of turmoil is going on in my head right now. But I can’t seem to budge. I just get up on my knees and watch him from the couch, my chin on my folded over arms.
“That’s okay. I have a better view from here.” The joke doesn’t seem like always and falls flat as it rolls off my tongue. I don’t even put my full effort into it. I don’t even laugh. Is this is the beginning of the end? Or maybe it was already over, and we are both too stubborn to admit it. I don’t know, but I know I can’t stay silent now.
“Can, I…” His phone begins to ring, but something is smoking and sizzling in the kitchen, and I don’t think he hears it. I look down, thinking maybe it’s his father or maybe even Adriel, and I don't want him to miss something important.
Instead, what I see is the name of some girl flashing on the screen. Mariam. The same one that he keeps going off and seeing along with his parents and her parents. Why does she have his personal number?
I stare at his phone as it stops making noise and wonder if I can be that girlfriend. The one who goes through her boyfriend’s phone to see what he has been up to. But what if I do find something? Then, how do I handle it? Would I confront him? Do I let it go?
And then if I don’t find something and I have to tell him what I did, it could end the relationship anyway.
I don’t know how I found myself here in this mess, but I want out. I want a do over.
And yet here I am reaching for the phone and figuring out the passcode in no time.
I don’t like what I find. There’s nothing sexual between them, nothing that can definitively say he’s cheated on me. I don't even think he would cheat directly. But what is between them is a close friendship, even some closeness about being in the kind of families they are and the pressure that they face. Things that they can connect on the we just can’t.
If my parents were still alive, then it might be something I would feel. If I wasn’t an outsider having both demon and angel blood, that could still be something we could connect on. But we have nothing. I have very little in common with the people that I was born to have things in common with.
This changes everything. But I guess that’s why I’m also so afraid of the coming battle. I don’t want any more change. I don’t think I could handle anymore. I get the feeling that Kagan and I are in for a big change. Because even if we get on the other side of this, I don’t think it will ever be the same.
I walk into the kitchen against my better judgment trying to take my feelings and turn them into words that don’t come out as screeching or useless accusations.
“I need to know how you feel about her.” Really? That’s the first things out of my mouth? I really need to get better at this whole girlfriend thing.
“What do you mean?” he asks, going around and doing the last touches on whatever it is he’s making for us. The smoke rises, and a delightful fragrance fulfills the apartment. It’s too bad that we will probably never get to eat it.
Maybe he’ll allow me to keep the leftovers after he runs out on me for being so unreasonably jealous.
Because what’s coming next is word vomit, and I don’t think I would be able to stop it or stop us from crashing and burning tonight.
“You know what I mean. You’ve been talking with her. She calls you on the phone. She texts you. It looks like she talks you more often than we talk even though I’m supposed to be your girlfriend. I know you’re supposed to be protecting me, but there’s a reason I told you not to do this. I think it’s gone too far.”
He reaches back it turned off the stove, and I don’t know if it’s because it’s done or because he’s doing it to make sure that he doesn’t burn the food while in the fight he’s about have with me.
“I hoped we can get past this tonight, Riley. Honestly, I hoped we were already past it. We’ve had the conversation so many times, and it’s getting old. I am doing what I have to, and you act like she is so bad. Mariam is a nice girl. All the Cattrells are even if they are a little stuck up. It's just the upbringing. And of all people, I never thought you would judge someone. We're just friends. We understand each other. And for now, if she believes we are a little more than friends, as long as it keeps you safe, so be it. But I am not going to let it go too far. You should trust me. How many times must I ask that?"
“Are you hearing yourself? If she believes that there’s something going on between you two that’s not, then it’s already gone too far. Not only is that awful to her if she is supposedly this good person you say she is, but it means you’re basically fake cheating. It pretty much is cheating. It makes no sense. You need to tell your father that you’re ending this charade. I don’t get what you’re doing anyway considering your father knew that we were dating. I doubt you have enough to gain from getting in the Magistrate’s good graces by doing this. I think it’s just an excuse.”
And there it is. I laid all my cards on the table now, and I don’t know if I’m about to regret it or not. I learned a lot about the demon part of me now.
She likes to speak her mind. She likes to be. She likes to get what she wants immediately and not wait for it.
Sharing my heart is the right thing to do here even if it’s going to break it in the long run.
“You, the girl with the three boyfriends, is accusing me of cheating on her? That’s rich. I don’t know why we keep going around and around in this circle. If you don’t trust me, if you can’t trust me, then there’s nothing here anymore. Maybe there was nothing there before. We should have ended it a long time ago. You never loved me. You loved the idea of me. That little bit of normalcy you get to have in your life. You are not normal. Maybe you’re right that with me it’s an excuse to see Mariam more, because really she made me feel normal.”
I throw his phone at him, and he catches it, his jaw tight as tears sting my eyes. Is he saying what I think he is?
“Except you just said that there’s nothing between the two of you. You’re just letting her think that to protect me. So, which is it? Does she make you feel certain way, or are you pretending?”
Pain buries itself in my chest, my heart pounding so hard
that I think I might pass out. I guess I don’t have to pretend to be sick anymore if I decide I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.
“I don’t know anymore. I don’t know who we are anymore. It’s a really bad time to try to decide too. There are so many factors here, and I’m just trying to navigate the best that I can. All I know is that I hate how you make me feel sometimes. How you make me feel inadequate, but you can’t possibly fit in with those you were born to. How you want to keep me close and keep me from doing anything, but a Adriel and Dru can run around and do whatever the heck they want. It just doesn’t feel good like it used to.”
“How could you let me lose my virginity? It may not mean much to you guys, but it means a lot to me, to most girls. Why would you take that form me if that was how you felt, and this is where we were headed?”
The tension between us is painful, and I can tell that there’s something that both of us want to take back from this conversation. But it’s too late. We just can’t.
He reaches for me, an apology tingling on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t give it. He folds me into his arms, and for a moment I stay there. I pretend like we never had any reason to fight and like this is the same that it was before, like I feel the same thing that I did the night I have my body to him.
But the feeling fades way too easily. I remember everything we’ve been through since then, fights that we had before that. He’s right, this was never right to begin with. I was always this freak, and he was always just so normal.
We would have never fit into each other’s lives. Never made other happy. It didn’t matter how we felt about each other, which is what hurts the most, because I do know that he loves me. I could feel it in his embrace. But I don’t think it’s enough anymore.
“If you want to feel that way so badly, taste some piece of normal, then why not do it? You can be part of the battle if you want to be, fight by my side without having to be my boyfriend. I don’t want to force you into anything that you don’t want to do. I don’t want to force you to love me if you just can’t. So, why don’t you see how things work with her then we can talk. When it’s all over. You can tell me what your decision is then.”
Demon Witch (Paranormal Hunter Academy Book 3) Page 6