by Taryn Quinn
When it all came down to the fact I was scared. I was scared to want and be denied.
Just like I’d wanted the bed-and-breakfast so much, and I’d lost it. Why? Because I’d never even spoken up. Never said the words.
I couldn’t do that again. If I held back the conflicted feelings inside me, Oliver might very well go back on the market—and like the bed-and-breakfast, he wouldn’t be there for long. Some beautiful woman would snatch him up, and maybe they’d fall in love and have perfect little babies someday. Perhaps they wouldn’t even fight.
Unlike him and me.
But I liked sparring with him. I liked pushing his buttons and snarking at him and making up afterward. We laughed so much together. Honestly, we had even before we’d fallen into bed. Yes, I’d spent my share of time annoyed at him, but we’d both liked our combative style of communication. At least I was pretty sure he did too.
Despite his romantic history, he didn’t deserve my value judgments constantly being thrown in his face. It was going to end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy if I didn’t quit my shit. He would walk away, and I would’ve practically pushed him out the door.
God, I was so freaking vulnerable right now. He was probably mad at me—rightfully so—but I couldn’t wait on this test. No more burying my head in the sand. But with how we’d left things, how could I ask him to hold my hand while peeing on the stupid stick?
No, I’d just have to do this alone. Like an adult.
For real this time.
I pulled myself off the couch and checked the clock. Past five in the evening. I had a shift in the morning, though not first thing. Greta had gone easier on me since Oliver had rode in on his silver steed last month. Our boss Mitch had returned from vacation and she’d seemed too preoccupied with making sure his every need was taken care of before he thought of it. He’d been relegated to greeting customers now and then when he wandered out of the back office, since she now did a lot of the more hands-on stuff.
Thankfully, she hadn’t balked at giving me time off. If I needed more, I was hopeful I could get it. Ally would be back in a few months, despite Seth’s strenuous objections. She enjoyed working, and they’d discussed getting a nanny if she worked part-time.
Maybe she wouldn’t come back at all. I imagined it would be hard leaving an adorable baby at home just to come sling hash and pour coffee.
I might have a dilemma like that on my hands soon enough as well, though there was no question I would be working. I needed the money. The last thing I wanted was to be beholden to anyone. That was another part of being adult. Handling your stuff.
First, I needed to see if there was even anything to worry about.
After I dressed in jeans and a fuzzy sweater, I peeked outside and groaned inwardly at the deluge of snow. Lovely. Looked like I needed my boots, and not the cute suede heeled ones. I bundled up and hurried down to the drugstore, crossing everything that no one I knew would be working the cash register. My luck was in, because the person ringing up purchases appeared to be a new hire from the high school. I dumped the three early detection pregnancy tests I’d grabbed along with a pair of tampons for the purpose of subterfuge—of course, I’m buying these tests for a friend!—and six Nestle Crunch bars on the counter. On second thought, I added the family-size bag of sea salt potato chips.
If I’d gotten knocked up the very first time I had sex, I deserved every bit of the gluttony.
The kid didn’t even look at what he’d rung up and bagged. I hurried out of the store and back to my loft in the accumulating snow, stopping for an extra minute or two to admire the way the falling flakes seemed to disappear into the gray ice of the lake. The gazebo was strung up with white twinkle lights, and I swallowed hard, remembering the lights I’d tried to hang up in Oliver’s office.
Seth had been right. They were crooked, but they were absolutely perfect.
Oliver had probably taken them down. Possibly burned them.
Along with memories of me. Us. The Valentine’s that wasn’t at his family’s cabin.
My eyes were stinging, and it wasn’t from the snow.
I trudged back inside, lined up the tests on my bathroom sink, and took care of business. My hands were shaking and I had trouble actually, you know, peeing on command, since I was so nervous. But after sucking down a cup of water, all good to go.
Nothing left to do but wait. Eyes closed, barely breathing.
The craziest part about all of this? I didn’t know if I wanted to be pregnant or not.
Actually, no. That was a lie. Deep down, beneath the fear, I did. I always had. I wanted my own baby—babies, plural. Being a mom had always been my biggest dream, right along with running the bed-and-breakfast.
That the timing was all screwy didn’t matter. If I was pregnant, I wanted this baby. So much.
The timer went off and I bit my lip, bearing down until I tasted blood. I checked one stick after the other, my heartbeat echoing in my ears like a bass drum.
Each one of them said the same thing, clear as could be.
Pregnant.
This time, the sting in my eyes didn’t stop at just prickles. They overflowed, running unchecked down my cheeks. I stared at my reflection and cupped my stomach, disbelieving and scared and so, so happy.
Some dreams did come true. This baby was proof.
I sank to the toilet lid and just let myself weep for a few minutes. I couldn’t be strong. Not right now.
I also couldn’t keep this news to myself. I had to tell Oliver.
Would he freak out? Of course, he would. He’d freaked about the broken condom. Before that trip to Vegas, we’d never considered finding ourselves in this situation together. But that’s what we were. Together. Bound for the rest of our lives by this child, whether we liked it or not.
Seth was a great father, and he’d been caught even more off-guard by his ex-wife’s pregnancy. Oliver couldn’t be too shocked by this happening. He’d seen the evidence all over his hands. But Seth and his ex had gotten married just because of the baby, and the marriage had soon ended.
I didn’t want to get married for my kid. I didn’t want anything other than Oliver to be there for the child. And if he couldn’t—if he wouldn’t—well then, I’d do my best to be both parents. The baby would have my parents and Ally and Seth and…
God, what if Ally and Seth hated me? What if I hadn’t only lost Oliver with my outburst? They’d said and done some dubious things, but I knew they loved me. Maybe they didn’t know the reverse was true.
Maybe it didn’t matter anymore.
I sniffled and got myself together. No, I wasn’t going to disasterize. Not about Oliver, not about my best friend. I intended to blow my nose, brush my hair, put on some makeup, and then I’d go talk to Oliver—
My cell chimed and I dug it out, my pulse skipping at Seth’s name on the readout. Eeep, this had to mean…
“The baby?” I asked, relief coursing through me that they’d still thought to contact me. I had another chance to fix this hopelessly snarled mess. “Is it time?”
“It’s time. We’re on the way to the hospital. Ally wanted me to call. She would’ve done it herself but she’s focusing on her breathing.”
I heard a screech in the background that was unmistakably my best friend. “And not ripping my hair out! I need drugs. Lots of drugs. Sage,” Ally wailed. “Hurry!”
My eyes filled again and I laughed, giving up any hope of staving off the tears. Clearly, tonight was a night to let my emotions run rampant.
“I’m on my way. Don’t have it until I get there, all right? I want to hear the first cry.” I clutched the hem of my sweater.
All in one day, I’d found out I would have my own little one, and I would get to meet my godson. How had I ever seen myself as anything but supremely lucky?
“I’ll do my best,” Ally said loudly, obviously speaking through gritted teeth. “But you better move fast.”
“Moving,” I called, despite knowing she coul
dn’t hear me. I shoved my feet back into my boots and wetted my lips. “Is Laurie taken care of? She’s with—” Even saying his name was too difficult.
“Yes, Oliver has her. No worries there.”
“Thanks for calling me, Seth. I…it means so much to me.”
“You’re family,” he said simply. “See you soon.”
Yeah, tears were going to be a thing today. No avoiding it.
After grabbing my purse, I rushed out to my car and hurriedly drove to the hospital. My hurrying was a relative thing, however, since the snow made the drive treacherous and the hospital where Seth and Ally were having the baby took some time to reach. I had no sooner arrived than Seth texted me again. This time, there was a picture of a beautiful little boy with a shock of dark hair, swaddled in a white blanket with brightly colored footprints all over it.
I squealed right where I stood in the hospital hallway, doing a little booty dance that nearly made me wipe out on account of the snowy puddles on the floor.
“You okay, ma’am?” A nurse touched my arm as she walked past.
“Yes, I’m fine. Look, my bestie just had a baby! I’m his godmother. Isn’t he the most adorable kid ever? I hope mine is—” I broke off and aimed a guilty look at my belly. That info needed to stay under wraps just a little longer. “He’s so cute.”
“He sure is.” The nurse smiled. “Look at those ruddy cheeks.”
“Can you please direct me to where they’d be?”
A few minutes later, I approached Ally’s cracked door, pausing outside as Mr. Hamilton’s booming voice echoed out of the room. He was laughing, reminding me again of what Ally had said about him getting laid. Disturbing to consider, since he was older than my father, but the evidence was there. He was happier now than in the past. Perhaps because his son was happily married and he had a new grandchild…
I shut my eyes. God, what would he think about my baby? Would he think I’d done this intentionally to try to get a Hamilton payday? There had been whispers about that very thing with Seth’s first wife. Not with Ally, of course, since she’d put up with him for a decade before marriage and a long game only went so far.
Would Oliver think I was after his money? He hadn’t pushed me to take the morning-after pill, but that was when the child was just a tiny possibility. Now that it was on the way for real, would he wonder?
I couldn’t think about any of that right now. I was here to support Ally and Seth and see my little cutie-pie godson. The rest would wait.
Knocking on the door, I stuck my head in and smiled. “Hey there. Can I come in?”
“Of course. You’re here.” Ally flashed a tired smile and waved me inside. She was propped up by a bunch of pillows with Seth and Mr. Hamilton on either side of the bed.
Oh shit, I hadn’t even thought of Oliver’s father being at the office the other day during my outburst to end all outbursts.
Please, please, please let him not have overheard.
If he had, the baby wouldn’t be as much of a shock to him. Bright side! I was looking at all of them.
Digging them out with a dang shovel if I had to.
“I am here. Just a little too late, I see. Made it through okay? You must have, since your son came so fast. Super-fast, especially for a first-time mama. Where is he? He’s so adorable. Seth sent me a picture and I can already see modeling in his future. Or better yet, maybe he’ll be an actor. You know, someone debonair like George Clooney.”
Yay, let the nervous babbling begin.
I was already in fine form.
“He was having a few breathing issues, so they took him off to make sure he’s okay. Nothing to worry about.” Ally twisted her wedding ring around and around her finger. “All routine stuff, they said.”
“It is.” Seth covered her hands with his much larger ones. “The same thing happened to Laurie when she was born.”
“And you, for that matter,” Mr. Hamilton added. “Not Oliver though. We used to joke he took all your oxygen because he came out screaming.”
We all laughed, and Ally and I exchanged a glance. The kind that said we had volumes to say to each other, once the prying ears of the men were gone.
That happened faster than I expected.
Once Mr. Hamilton and Seth had gone off to get some coffee, I pulled up a stool next to the bed. “So, were you in labor long? When did the contractions start? Did it really hurt? Oh my God, what am I asking, you were screaming for drugs in the car.”
Ally laughed softly and shook her head. “We’ll get to all that, but first, what’s going on with you?”
“Me?” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “Same old, same old.”
“Yeah, right. I know you. Something’s up. Something big.” She leaned forward and winced. “Ugh, none of those moves quite yet. I’m stitched up like the Velveteen Rabbit.” She mimed from top to bottom and it was my turn to grimace.
“I think I like the idea of a C-section better. My vagina was not made to push out a watermelon.”
She smirked. “Actually, it was.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do, and after that, I’m not sure I’d go vaginal again. It went really fast, all things considered with the horror stories I’ve heard.”
“Tell me everything.”
And oh, she did. About begging for an epidural that would not work fast enough and mucus plugs and water breaking all over their new leather couch. By the end of it, I was a little nauseous and I couldn’t decide if my morning sickness had decided to add in an evening session or if it was just stark-raving terror at what awaited me.
“You look green. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I smiled and took a deep breath. “Oh, and I’m pregnant.”
I hadn’t meant to say it. Not here, and not to Ally before I told Oliver. That was the fairest thing to do. He should know first. But with all the baby talk and the fact that my news was still so fresh, it just spilled out.
Ally let out a laugh and clutched her chest through her thin hospital gown. “Good one. For a second there, I thought you were serious.”
“I am.” I gazed down at the bedding I hadn’t realized I’d been pulling at with my fingers. “I just found out tonight.”
“Oh, Sage. Sage.” Her sympathetic whisper made me stare harder at the white blanket in my fist so that I wouldn’t immediately start bawling again. “Does he—he doesn’t know yet?”
“Not yet. But it won’t come as a huge surprise. At least it shouldn’t. The condom broke. Very first time.”
“Oh God. What rotten luck.” She snaked her hand out to still mine. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
I sniffled and laughed. “Nothing to be sorry about. You know I’ve always wanted kids. I guess it was probably good I kept the ol’ hymen on lockdown, because fertile Myrtle.” And yep, there were more tears gathering right on cue. I’d have to drink a gallon of water in fluid replenishment if they kept coming at this rate.
“Sometimes it’s just a matter of timing. Though, oh man. Seriously? No way.” Ally covered her mouth with her hand. “He did a Seth, with the whole knocking-up-a-virgin-first-time deal. He’s going to absolutely die.”
“Twin thing,” we said simultaneously, and this time, there were no tears when I laughed.
It was so ridiculous, but it was my life. And I already loved my kid, already desperately wanted him or her, so there wasn’t room for looking back or what ifs.
The only what if that remained was Oliver’s reaction.
The biggest what if of all.
“When are you going to tell him?”
I huffed out a breath and fought the urge to flee from the question. The room. My life entirely.
That wasn’t who I was anymore. I wouldn’t allow myself to hide.
“Tonight, as soon as I leave here. I haven’t spoken to him since…” I bowed my head. “I’m so sorry. I acted like a royal ass. I’m amazed you even called me tonight. But I threw up that morning and I was all churned up, think
ing what if, and then I saw the sign about condos being built at the bed-and-breakfast site, and I was just all messed up.”
“Is that why you tried to pick a fight with Oliver with all the decorations?”
“Yeah. I guess. Though I do like fighting with him in general. And the making-up part is really fun.” I flushed at her raised brows. “Hey, you were overdue for this kind of talk. Best friend, remember?”
“I never forgot. You bet I’m overdue. I have many questions, probably some of them entirely too personal in nature. But since my own personal nature has been way too public tonight,” we both laughed, “we’ll just save those for another day. I do have one question that can’t wait.”
“He told me he was bigger than Seth, but I think he was lying. You know how he boasts.”
Ally shook her head, laughing silently while her cheeks went pink. “Don’t let Seth hear that.”
“Not thinking it’s a subject I’ll probably ever broach with him, so we’re good.” It was so nice to giggle with a girlfriend in the midst of the insanity my life had become.
Nothing could be that bad or that scary as long as I had my bestie.
“You and Oliver, I know how you started. I know I played a part in that, and if that was a mistake—”
“It wasn’t,” I assured her quickly. “It was right. Every bit of it was. I know we aren’t going there tonight, but he was exactly who I needed.”
Perhaps he had been all along.
She nodded, her eyes suspiciously bright. “He’s a decent man under the bluster. You just can’t give up on him. He’s going to push you away. It’s a given.”
“Actually, I’ve been the one doing most of the pushing.” I rubbed my forehead tiredly. Now that I knew without a doubt I was pregnant, I was exhausted. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have twenty other worries, but they would be faced in due time.
Right now, Oliver was the most pressing, and beyond that, my focus was on my need for sleep and a hopefully junk-food-laden dinner.
“I feel so guilty. Everything you said about me and Seth was true. We stuck our noses in and said things that weren’t right, and it wasn’t even our business. I’m going to blame my interference on preggo hormones and a whole lot of worry.”