“Maybe.” What else could I say? I didn’t want her thinking she’d offended me, but I also couldn’t go through with it. The whole time I’d be wondering if she could tell that I was a woman. I knew as soon as she started applying the dark lining around my eyes and adding rouge to my cheeks, she’d know.
Her father finally came for her, and she left to do her studies.
I made my rounds to the other princesses, keeping Helena in my sights the whole time. Having to chit chat and make each one of them feel special was exhausting.
If I didn’t get away soon, I was going to lose my mind.
Chapter 7
Setting my fork down, I rose from my seat at the breakfast table. “Ms. Mabel makes the best cinnamon rolls. I hope you all have saved some room for this special treat.”
“That sounds divine,” Luann said, licking her lips.
“I’ll go check to see if they made a batch this morning.” I pushed my chair in and headed toward the exit. “Be right back.”
In the hall, I tried my best to calm my erratic breathing, but my lungs burned with the need for more air. I wouldn’t be getting any with my chest plastered flat.
I took my time walking to the kitchen. Mabel would make things better. She’d talk to me, tell me how irrational I was being, and set me straight. She always did. In truth, she was more of a mother to me than my own.
“Good morning,” Charles called from the counter where he chopped carrots for whatever he was preparing for lunch later, perhaps a stew to simmer. “Are you okay?”
“I just needed a breather.” I slumped against the counter.
Charles reached into a ceramic container. “You know what you need? A cookie.” He handed me one of his famous snickerdoodles and then placed a finger to his lips. “Shh, don’t tell the Queen.”
Mother was notorious for keeping sweets from me. She claimed I needed to keep myself thin and in shape so I could pull off my look. If we didn’t have guests here this week, I’d be in the courtyard practicing the sword or doing drills to build muscle.
“Mums the word.” I took a bite and wandered over to Mabel.
“Life getting you down, sweetheart?” Mabel asked.
“All these girls want a piece of me. I’m just a piece of the puzzle to help build up their kingdom.” I set the cookie down, suddenly losing my appetite. “Each one has been groomed to want more, need more, and I’m one of the pawns in their game.”
Mabel shrugged. “In the end, you won’t be marrying any of them, not when you’re really a girl.”
“Mother says I need to keep up appearances, but what if that means proposing to one of these girls?” Itching a spot under my wig, I sighed. “Why did I have to be the youngest daughter?”
“Fate is a fickle beast, Rosalyn.” Mabel clucked her tongue. “You’re a smart girl. I know you’ll figure something out. You always do.”
“This may be one of those times I can’t solve my own problems.”
“Nonsense.” Ms. Mabel patted my arm. “Take a step back, reevaluate the situation, and try to figure it out. Isn’t that what you’re always telling me?”
“Well, yes.” She had me there. Maybe if I removed myself from the situation and thought about it logically, I could come up with a solution. “I do have one other problem.”
“More than one today?” Mabel chuckled as she pulled out a tray of cinnamon rolls from the oven. “Sometimes ooey gooey icing on soft, cinnamon-flavored bread can help.”
“That definitely helps.” I eyed the large, baked confections. “Helena is going to love these.”
“Who’s Helena?”
“She’s one of the princesses staying this week.” My face grew warm.
Mabel moved the rolls over to a rack to cool. “I see. Is she one of your problems?”
“Yes and no. I don’t know, but something bad happened last night.” I closed my eyes and willed the tears away. “Something my mother can never find out about.”
“Oh dear, what happened, Rosalyn?” Mabel set the tray in the sink and came over to take my hand. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.”
“If anything, I should be making an even bigger deal.” Glancing down at our joined hands, the weight of the world pressed down upon my shoulders. I had so many responsibilities.
“Go on, tell me about it.” Mabel tipped my chin up to look me in the eye. “Sometimes telling another soul can help ease the stress.”
“Someone found out last night.”
Mabel gasped. “Sweet Mother of God.” She searched my face, silent for a moment. “You’re serious.”
“Dead serious.” A tear slipped down my cheek. “And when Mother finds out, that’s what I’ll be. Dead.”
“No, you won’t.” Mabel gathered me into her arms and whispered in my ear. “She’ll never find out.”
“You can’t promise that, not if Josua doesn’t keep my secret.”
Mabel pulled away. “The boy who likes boys?”
“Yes. He accosted me in the hall by my bedroom last night.” I shook my head. “He thought I’d flirted with him in the throne room or something and then I mentioned I’d been thinking of someone, and he assumed it was himself.”
“What happened?” Mabel asked.
I turned away. “He started kissing all over my neck, and, and, when his hands wandered where they shouldn’t, he discovered my secret.”
“Sweet child, none of this is your fault.”
“I should have stopped him,” I shouted.
Everyone in the kitchen turned my way, but one look at me, and they knew to get back to their tasks.
Mabel pulled me towards the pantry and away from the others. “You can’t blame yourself. It’ll only fester and make things toxic within you.”
“If only I had pushed him away, but I was in such shock that he would do such a thing.” I crossed my arms over my flattened chest. “And part of me just wanted to be touched and desired. I’ve lived my whole life keeping strangers at arm’s length, never letting them in. Never having anyone outside the castle to confide in.”
“Shh, it’ll be okay.”
“No, it won’t. I’ll never have a best friend. I’ll only ever have my sisters, sisters who look at me with pity because they wish they could take it all away, but they can’t.” I threw my hands up. “My whole life will be a lie while I live out my days alone.”
“If this Josua already knows you’re a woman, maybe strike up a bargain with him?” Mabel leaned in close. “If you two wed, he could be your confidant.”
“A loveless marriage? One where he won’t even want to touch me because I’m not who he’s attracted to?” My head began to ache. “No, I can’t do that to another person.”
“It was just a thought. It would also help explain why you’d have no heirs.” Mabel shrugged and stepped back over to the counter to test the warmth of the cinnamon rolls.
“It’s not a bad thought though.” I pondered the consequences of wrangling Josua into marriage. He did seem rather sweet last night, someone who could eventually be my best friend. Would that be so bad? “I’ll mull it over.”
“That’s the spirit. Listen, we’ve got a supply wagon coming in just a few minutes, but you’re welcome to stay in here as long as you’d like.”
“Thank you, Ms. Mabel.” I hugged her tight. “You’re the best.”
She’d given me way too much to think about though. I’d need to weigh the pros and cons, but then thoughts of Helena came rushing in. I’d never get to be with her.
When someone steals your heart like that and you can’t let them keep it, what happens to your soul after it’s crushed?
Because I was pretty sure in just a matter of a day, I’d fallen for Helena.
Chapter 8
With the kitchen empty, I finally had a moment to myself to think. I knew this week would be stressful up until my coronation, but I never could have foreseen the number of personal issues laid in my lap.
I didn’t
ask for this. My life had been twisted by my mother and father in hopes of keeping their land. Could I blame them for that? I’d forgiven my father after his death, but when faced with the judgement of my mother, it was a little harder.
Picking up my discarded cookie, I took another bite and rolled all the different scenarios in my head. I couldn’t guarantee that Josua would be up for marrying me to help hide my identity, so that was up in the air.
“Stefan?” asked a soft voice from behind.
I dropped my cookie, watching it break apart across the hard counter, and then turned around to come face to face with Helena. “You scared the shit out of me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to take so long. Ms. Mabel and I got to talking and I lost track of time.” I motioned to the cinnamon rolls. “And they’re still cooling, so it’ll be a bit before we can eat them.”
“I know, I couldn’t help but overhear you and her chatting.”
My stomach flipped and then tight itself into a knot. “You what?” I reached a hand back to grip the counter and slipped on the cookie crumbs.
Helena caught me, helped keep me upright, and then brushed the debris from the counter off my hand. “You’ve had a pretty rough life it seems.”
I swallowed hard. “Ho-how much did you hear?”
“All of it,” she whispered.
“No. This can’t be happening.” I scrambled to get away, but her fingers wrapped around my wrist and pulled me close.
“It’s okay, Rosalyn.”
“You can’t breathe a word of this to anyone, including my mother.” My pulse thrummed beneath her fingers, erratic and fast. “I need fresh air. I have to get out of here.”
“You don’t.” She kept hold of my arm and stepped into my path.
The door to the yard out back was blocked. I couldn't run into the hall in this state either. People would ask questions, ones I didn’t have the answer to.
“I never got to finish my conversation with you earlier.”
“What?” I sucked in as much air as I could get, but my vision swam. Oxygen wasn’t getting to all the parts it needed to, including my brain. Swaying to the side, I shook the haze from my head, but it didn’t help.
“Rosalyn?”
Helena calling out my true name from those sweet, delicious lips of hers was the last thing I heard before my world went back.
* * *
I groaned and opened my eyes, but everything was still dark. Was I dead?
“Shh, no one knows we’re in here.”
“Helena?” I asked, but I’d know that voice anywhere. It’d haunted my dreams, calling to me to come claim her as mine.
“You passed out, so I dragged you into the walk-in pantry.” She smoothed my hair back, but I could actually feel her fingers on my real hair.
I frantically patted my head. “My wig. Where’s my wig?”
“Calm down. I have it right here beside me.”
Sweet, blessed air filled my lungs to capacity, which was wrong, so wrong.
“What else did you do while I was out?” I patted my chest and felt my large breasts pushing against the fabric of my shirt. They were no longer confined with the wrap.
A strip of cloth fell across my stomach. “You passed out because you couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what else to do, so I unwrapped your chest.”
“You undressed me?” I asked in a high-pitched voice.
Helena sighed. “I couldn’t even see anything. Damn darkness.”
“Wait.” I sat up and turned in the direction of her voice. “You wanted to see me naked?”
“Yes, all of you.” Her hand brushed against my cheek and pulled me into a kiss. Just a chaste one, but in the dark, it felt anything but. “Now, if you’ll let me finish what I was trying to tell you earlier.”
Where had our conversation left off? “I don’t even remember what we were talking about.”
“I was telling you why none of this was your fault.”
Her fingers danced across my thigh sending shivers down my spine.
“My fault?” I stared into the darkness, wishing I could see her gorgeous face.
“Our attraction.” Her fingers moved further up my pants. “You see, when I laid eyes on you for the first time, I realized what you really were.”
“You’ve known this whole time I was a woman?” I asked, frozen in place. If she’d known, who else did? “How did you know?”
“I actually didn’t, but I knew you were my mate.”
Her proclamation sent panic rushing through my system. I scooted back too fast and knocked the back of my head against a shelf. “Fuck.”
“Oh, we can most definitely do that.” Her hand touched me again and moved closer to the junction of my thighs.
“No, this can’t happen.” I placed my hand over hers, but instead of pushing it away, I kept it glued to my leg. I didn’t want her to stop touching me.
“Why not?” Her fingers wiggled beneath my hand. “You do find me attractive, right?”
“Oh, God, yes.” My chest heaved, wanting her to fight me on this and take control. I was in no shape to make my own decisions at this point.
Her breath fanned across my face. “I knew you felt it, too. We’re destined to be together. North meets South.”
Soft lips touched mine and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. She’d stolen my will to function properly.
She licked my bottom lip and pulled away. “You can come back with me to Dragonia. There, we can be properly bonded.”
“I can’t leave my family. They need me.”
“For what? To hold a stupid throne?” Helena asked.
I nodded but realized she couldn’t see. “That’s exactly why. I have to be crowned this weekend.”
“Can a woman not rule in your country?” Helena settled beside me and rested her head on my shoulder. “In my country, you can love whoever you want. Relationships are dictated by who your mate is. If the bond happens with the same sex, you have the blessing of the Queen to become truly bonded in ceremony.”
“That sounds lovely.” The corners of my eyes burned with unshed tears. “I wish it were the same here. I’m the youngest of seven, trapped in a role I never asked for.”
“So, change the rules.”
“Our laws have been in place for so long, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me from the ground. “Is your head okay?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty hardheaded.” I felt my scalp for bumps. “And what do you mean there’s only one way to find out?”
“Get crowned this weekend, okay?” Helena coaxed me toward the door.
Light filtered through around the edges and I could finally make out her face. She was a vision framed in a glow from the other side of the door. I didn’t want to lose her.
I ignored her question. “How did I become your mate?” The concept was so foreign. “And what happens if two people who were meant to be mates can’t be together?”
“No one knows who their mate will be until they finally meet them, but once you see them, you just know.” Helena put my wig back on my head and adjusted it as best she could. “There, I think that’ll do.”
“And my second question?”
“It’s torture. It’s painful to be away from your other half. Granted, if the bonding ceremony is completed, it’s easier. The other can travel without the other, but before then, it’s not advised.”
“I felt that pain yesterday when you left the throne room to seek out your living quarters for the week.” I clutched my stomach. “The pain was unbearable. Only when I got closer to my room, which I guess was closer to you, did it go away.”
“And it’ll be like that until we’re bonded.”
“Helena, I don’t know how to do this.” I finally let the tears fall. “I thought I’d be alone the rest of my life. I’d even considered marrying Josua just to keep the concerns at bay. Better for the kin
gdom to think I was a gay male than to find out I was actually a woman and not fit to lead.”
“Women can lead, and they do.” Helena wiped at my cheek. “My mother is the Queen of Dragonia. Her husband, my father, holds no authority there. He is King in name only.”
“Truly?” I couldn’t fathom a kingdom opposite of mine. Women were thought to be too emotional to rule.
What a world it would be if I could stay with the one I loved, live as my true self, and still be able to keep my kingdom and family safe.
But all that was wishful thinking, because everyone in Sulenia was set in their ways, including my mother.
Chapter 9
Mabel’s eyes grew wide as we exited the pantry. “Good Goddess almighty, what were the two of you doing in there?” Then she glanced at my wig sitting askew on my head and clutched her chest.
“Please don’t be mad, Mabel,” I said. “I can explain.”
Mabel rushed forward and began fluffing my wig and settling it on my head. “How many others know now?”
“Just Helena.”
“Leave it at that. No one else.” She boxed my ear when she was done fidgeting with my wardrobe. “Do you understand me?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“You’re not too old for me to whoop.”
I winced as she jerked my ear and then released it. “I know.”
“It wasn’t her fault, Ms. Mabel.” Helena held up the chest wrap. “She couldn’t catch her breath and ended up passing out. When she fell, her wig came off. So, I dragged her into the pantry, scared someone else would see her.”
“You did the right thing, Sweetie. Thank you.” Mabel motioned toward the servant’s door. “You still don’t look one hundred percent. Helena, take her up the service hall. It leads to the bedrooms upstairs. I’ll tell the Queen you aren’t feeling well again.”
“Thank you,” I said, lacing my fingers with Helena’s and making a run for the door Mabel had pointed out.
My heart pounded in my chest as we took the stairs. I’d never defied my mother. All my life, I’d listened to her instruction, followed her rules to a T, and never stepped out of line. I feared I’d not live to be coronated if she found out I’d spent so much time with Helena.
Forbidden Throne: An LGBTQ+ Fantasy Novella Page 4