Except her smile tells me it’s not that simple. Because she is slender and graceful and beautiful. She’s all the things I’ll never be, no matter how hard I try. And I’ve tried, God knows. I’ve tried harder than anyone should ever have to try. I’ve starved myself and spent hours shaping my face and my hair and my clothes and my entire body, but it’s never good enough. I will never, ever be like her.
She’s still smiling, and when she turns to open the fridge, I’m sure it’s to hide the fact that she’s laughing at me.
‘We should have a drink,’ she says. She pulls out two beers, opens them and slides one across the bar to me. ‘It’s okay. Gus always lets me have one at the end of a shift.’
Gus.
The way she says his name, like they’re friends. Or more than friends. An image inside my head. Ella Tate on her back on the shiny bar. My dad moving on top of her, grunting like a pig. I shake my head, but the image is stuck.
‘Cheers.’ She clinks her bottle against mine.
I take a sip of beer. It’s bitter and cold and I have to force myself to swallow it down instead of spitting it out.
She leans forward, elbows on the bar, chin in her hands.
‘Gus says you’re studying computers,’ she says. ‘You’re at Christ the King, right? What’s it like?’
I shrug, thinking of the tall, slim girls with the straight hair who all remind me of her. ‘It’s okay. Can’t wait to leave, though. I want to start working, get a place of my own.’ I look around, see Ella and my dad humping on the bar, and shiver. ‘I can’t bear living here.’
I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t even know it was how I felt until the words were out.
‘It’s hard,’ Ella says. ‘When there’s only one parent left. I feel a bit smothered by my mum right now.’ She smiles. Again. I don’t think I’ve ever known someone to smile as much as she does. ‘That’s why this job is so great. It gets me out of the house, away from all that. Plus I get to earn my own money, and that gives me a bit of freedom too.’
‘Lucky you.’ I don’t bother to hide the bitterness in my voice, and she winces before smiling again. A softer, more sympathetic smile that makes me want to smash my fist into her face.
‘I can see how protective Gus is,’ she says. ‘I’m guessing that can’t be too easy either.’
I’m about to tell her she doesn’t know the first thing about it when my phone vibrates in the pocket of my jeans.
‘Need the loo,’ I say, moving away from the bar. ‘Back in a sec.’
I go into the ladies’ and check my phone. A text from Shane.
It’s me. I’m outside.
There’s still time to turn back. There are lots of things I can do to stop whatever is going to happen next. I could tell him I’m sick or I’ve changed my mind, or that Gus is back early or fat, stupid Katie with the crush on you has come downstairs and won’t leave me alone. I could run back to the bar, warn Ella that he’s here.
I could do any one of those things. The fizzing in my stomach has started up again, joined by a buzzing in my head. I have to reach out, touch the wall to steady myself, afraid that if I don’t, I might float up and up and away.
I’m going to watch. I don’t know exactly what he’ll do, but I have a good idea. I’ve given him enough hints about what I/she/we want. I think how angry he’ll be when he finds out she’s changed her mind. I remember the times he was angry with me and the ways he hurt me. I want to see him hurting her like that. I want to see him and film him doing it so I can think about it again and again, any time I want to.
Come on in, I type. Back door’s open.
Thirty-One
Dee
A good night’s sleep was becoming a distant memory. Every night was spent tossing and turning, anxious thoughts about Jake bouncing around inside her head. She tried to tell herself he was okay. Katie was with him, and no matter what else she’d done, there was no way she would ever harm her son. But lying in bed alone, unable to sleep, Dee couldn’t prevent her mind travelling to the dark places it had no right to go to.
Each morning she crawled out of bed exhausted. The endless worrying, pushing against the sides of her brain, was wearing her down. As time passed, her confidence about finding Jake and his mother diminished. Until she reached the point where she couldn’t remember why it had ever seemed like a good idea. What had possessed her to think she was capable of uncovering Katie’s secrets when the police, with all of their resources, hadn’t been able to find anything?
She was stupid. Stupid and deluded and bloody depressed. She tried not to think about the future, but it loomed before her each night as she lay awake in her bed. A bleak, black hole of a place without light or hope.
The day after her trip to Maidstone, she was up early following another restless night. Her brain felt sluggish, her limbs heavy when she moved them. Too nauseous to eat, she sat outside drinking coffee and checking her emails every few minutes in case Shane Gilbert made contact.
When her phone started ringing, she grabbed it, hoping it might be him. But it was Billy’s number on the screen. The last person in the world Dee felt like speaking to, but she answered anyway, curious to find out what he wanted.
‘Hey, Dee,’ Billy said. ‘You okay to chat for a sec?’ He sounded upbeat. And sober, which wasn’t always a given, even at this time in the morning. ‘I wanted to apologise,’ he continued. ‘For the other night.’
‘Which bit of the other night?’ Dee asked. ‘Turning up pissed or calling me a bitch?’
‘Both.’ Billy sighed. ‘I’m really sorry, Dee. This whole business with work is getting to me, you know? If I lose this job, I don’t know what I’ll do.’
Dee could hazard a guess at what he’d do. He’d spend his time drinking and feeling sorry for himself. Not much different, in fact, to how he spent it now. Except without a salary coming into his bank account each month.
‘I can’t help with that,’ she said.
‘I know. We’re divorced and my problems aren’t your problems any more.’
Dee didn’t say anything. She knew him well enough to know he hadn’t simply called just to apologise.
‘There was something else,’ he said.
‘Spit it out.’
‘Shane Gilbert.’
‘What about him?’
‘He told me you paid him a visit yesterday,’ Billy said.
Dee held the phone away from her ear and looked at it, not sure she could trust what she’d just heard.
‘Hello?’ Billy said. ‘You still there, Dee?’
‘When did he tell you this?’ she asked, putting the phone back.
‘He called me last night,’ Billy said. ‘I already told you I was looking into what happened to Katie’s old man. One of the first things I did was find out what had happened to Shane. I got an old contact to help me find him. But Dee, you’re wasting your time if you think he’ll talk to you. Poor bloke’s a bloody mess. Took me ages to get him to trust me enough to speak to me.’
‘Billy, if he knows anything about where Katie might be, I need you to tell me.’
‘I would,’ Billy said. ‘Swear to you, Dee. But he’s as much in the dark as you are.’
‘Did he kill her?’ Dee asked. ‘Because if he did, and you’re hiding that from the police, you know that’s a crime?’
‘I already told you. Shane’s a mess. I’m the only person he’s got and I’m doing all I can to stop him falling apart.’
‘When you were here,’ Dee said, ‘you implied you’d found out something about how Katie’s dad was murdered. What did you mean exactly?’
‘I can’t tell you that. But I can tell you Shane doesn’t know anything about Katie and Jake. You need to leave him alone, Dee.’
‘You can’t tell me what to do,’ Dee said.
‘I’m not trying to tell you what to do.’
‘How has he managed it?’ she asked.
‘Managed what?’
‘To persuade you he did
n’t kill Gus Hope. Two witnesses saw him doing it, Billy.’
‘I can’t say any more than I’ve already told you. But I promise you Shane can’t tell you anything that will help you find your friend.’
‘Your promises don’t mean anything,’ Dee said. ‘I learned that the hard way. I’m going to hang up now, Billy. Thanks for the call. And tell Shane I’ll be in touch.’
* * *
She spent the rest of the day mulling over the phone call. By the time evening came, she would have welcomed any distraction from her unhealthy inability to stop obsessing about what Billy was up to.
When Alex turned up with a bottle of wine, she had to stop herself throwing her arms around him. Alex was exactly the distraction she needed right now.
‘Did you tell the police you knew Katie?’ she asked, once the wine was poured and they were settled on the deck.
‘Course I did,’ Alex said. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘Do you think she did it, Alex?’
He sighed. ‘Truthfully? I don’t know. I mean, she seemed like a lovely girl to me. Sweet, funny and a good mum to the little fella. But who knows what someone’s really like? I mean, how much do either of us really know about her life before she moved here?’
‘Most of what I know is from her file,’ Dee said.
‘File?’
‘To rent the mobile home, she needed references, bank statements, stuff like that. There’s a file in Mum’s office.’
‘Anything interesting in there?’ Alex asked.
Dee shook her head. ‘Nothing that would explain why she’d kill someone. Did she ever talk to you about Ella Tate?’
‘Never heard of her,’ Alex said.
‘Yes you have,’ Dee reminded him. ‘She was one of the witnesses at the trial into the killing of Katie’s dad. I told you about her.’ When Alex nodded, she continued, ‘Ed asked me about her the other day. Which makes me think there’s a connection, somehow, between the trial and the dead woman.’
‘Or maybe Ed thinks you’re hiding something from him.’
‘No,’ Dee said. ‘He knows how desperate I am to find Katie and Jake. He must know I’d tell him if I knew anything.’
‘If you say so. What about the other witness? Did he ask about her as well?’
‘She’s dead,’ Dee said.
‘You think someone’s going around killing off the witnesses?’
‘According to Leonard, she died of cancer. But I don’t know if he’s telling the truth. The last time I spoke to him, it felt like he was trying to warn me off. Maybe I should call him again. Push a bit harder to find out what he knows. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Right now.’
She stood up, looked around for her phone. Alex stood up too, came over and put his hands on her shoulders.
‘It’s late,’ he said. ‘You can’t call him now. Wait until the morning, Dee.’ He was still holding her shoulders, and somehow his face had got closer to hers. ‘Now, do you think we can forget about all of this for a while and concentrate on something else?’
The heat radiated off every part of his body as he pulled her close, so close she couldn’t see him, but she could feel him. Heat and solid strength. And when he placed his lips on hers and kissed her, her whole body seemed to lift and spin until she was floating, higher and higher, Alex’s arms tight around her body so she didn’t fall.
Thirty-Two
Katie
Nine years earlier
The courtroom is crowded. The mass of bodies adds to the suffocating heat that the electric fans either side of the judge’s bench do nothing to alleviate. The atmosphere is unbearable, the air thick and tight, and I’m struggling to breathe. I look around, searching the crowd for someone – anyone – who can help. But there’s no one.
I’m sitting in the top row of the public gallery. Ella is a few rows below me. Of course, she’s not alone. She’s got her mother with her. And Roxanne. Each time I see them together like that, I get a pain in my chest. Roxanne was my friend first. She’s tried to contact me, lots of times, but I won’t have anything to do with her. She thinks I don’t know what she’s done. They both do. They’re wrong.
It’s nine months since it happened, but I remember it like it’s yesterday. I dream about it every night, and when I wake up in the morning, it’s the first thing I think about. Shapes and sounds and colours inside my head. A broken bottle, the jagged edges stained and dripping. Screaming. Red blood and green glass and a dark hole in the side of my father’s neck. And his voice, calling my name one last time before he dies. I still can’t believe I’ll never see him again. Maybe it’s something you never get used to. At least with Mum, I can pretend she might come back one day. I can never do that with Dad.
Shane’s family are here too. His mother and father, and his older brother. His mother has barely stopped crying since the trial began. Boo hoo hoo. I can’t stand it. If I can control my tears, surely she should be able to? I’m the one who’s lost everything, not her.
The strange thing is, I thought I hated my dad. I blamed him for the way my mum drank and for the way she left without ever saying goodbye. But the truth is, he did his best. It’s just that his best wasn’t good enough. I miss him. I wouldn’t say we had the best relationship or anything, but it’s lonely without him.
‘All rise.’
This is it. Four hours and thirty-five minutes is all it took for the jury to decide if Shane is innocent or guilty. My eyes bore into the back of Ella’s head. I wonder what she’s thinking right now. She must be scared. Because if the jury come back with a ‘not guilty’ verdict, then the investigation will remain open.
There’s a different feeling in the room now. Excitement. People shifting and shuffling and whispering to each other. But it all stops when the judge starts to speak. She’s spent three days sitting up there listening to evidence in the Crown v. Shane Gilbert. Three days hearing three people’s versions of what happened the night my father was killed.
‘Please bring the jury back in.’
A door opens, and the seven women and five men walk in, one after the other. I scan their faces, searching for something that will tell me what their verdict is going to be. I know what I want them to say. I want them to say he’s guilty. I want him to go to prison. He hurt me and he deserves to pay for what he’s done.
‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,’ the judge said. ‘Have you reached a verdict?’
My heart is beating fast. There’s a buzzing sound in my head and my legs feel too weak to hold up my body. I look at Shane, sitting in the dock waiting to hear his fate. I keep watching him as the foreman – who’s actually a woman – stands up.
‘On the charge of murder,’ the judge says, ‘what is your verdict?’
‘Not guilty.’
No!
Shane’s face lights up. He looks around the room, searching for someone. I hold my breath, but his eyes move past me. The words dance around the room, taunting me. Not guilty. Not guilty. Not guilty.
A rush of memories, all hazed in pain and shame. He treated me so badly, and I let him do it. I am pathetic and weak, and everything I planned so carefully has fallen through. He’s going to get away with it. People are speaking again, muffled whispers that are still too loud for the judge, who slams her gavel and shouts for silence.
‘And on the second charge, of manslaughter,’ she says, ‘what is your verdict?’
The silence stretches out forever. I close my eyes, breathe in and out slowly, waiting.
‘Guilty.’
I open my eyes, scared I haven’t heard it right. But then I see his face, the shock and fear and confusion, and my spirits soar. It’s over. Ella and her mum are hugging. When they stop, Ella turns around and looks up at me. Our eyes meet, and she looks like she wants to say something.
Bile rises up my throat. I can’t bear being here. It’s hot and packed and noisy and I need to get out. I try to push my way towards the exit, but there are too many people in my way.
‘Let me out!’ I don’t mean to scream, but it works. The crowd parts and I’m able to get through. As soon as I’m outside, I start running. Down the courtroom steps, past the groups of reporters and onlookers, across the road and down the hill towards the river where my mother may or may not have drowned.
I run until I can’t run any further, and when I stop, I have no idea where I am. But it’s okay, because I’m alone. I know now that Shane was a mistake. Trying to get close to anyone is a mistake. When you get close to someone, you give them the power to hurt you. And no one is ever going to hurt me again.
Thirty-Three
Dee
The sun was low on the horizon, moving gradually closer to the surface of the still sea. Light reflected across the water, turquoise shot with slices of silver. The air was still and warm and muggy. Dee wanted water, but drank more wine instead, as if somehow that would have the same effect.
Louise sat across the table from her. When she lifted her glass, the Pinot Grigio sparkled gold and yellow in the evening sunlight.
‘I heard back from Emma,’ Dee said.
‘And?’ Louise sat forward in her chair.
‘And I was right. Shane served his sentence in Brixton prison. He was released in May 2015. Six months before Katie moved to Eastbourne. She came here to hide, Lou.’
‘Where is he now?’ Louise asked.
‘Maidstone. I got an address, but he refused to talk to me when I went to see him.’ She paused, wondering whether to mention Billy, before deciding against it. ‘Emma told me Shane did a degree in computer programming while he was inside. There must be loads of ways for someone with that sort of expertise to find someone who doesn’t want to be found. Katie had a bank account. I’m sure there’s a way to find that information online, if you know how to do it. I think he used her online information to trace her to Eastbourne.’
Louise frowned. ‘But why would Katie need to hide from him? She didn’t give evidence at his trial. And even if she was hiding from him, it still doesn’t explain why someone else was killed. The dead girl isn’t Katie, remember?’
I Could Be You Page 17