by Jane Green
I go to the end of the road, climbing the long wooden steps to the beach, taking deep breaths and trying not to think about the fact that Jason just heard me say I wasn’t interested in sleeping with him.
I suppose it’s marginally better than hearing me say I was interested in sleeping with him.
Sleeping with him.
Oh, how I loved sleeping with Jason.
Jason has always made me feel safe. I had never been able to sleep comfortably in a bed with anyone before Jason. Granted, I don’t remember most of my one-night stands and brief relationships in my youth, only remember waking up the next morning with a sinking feeling in my stomach, but the few I do remember, I remember not wanting to be touched.
I never understood spooning, for example. How could anyone sleep pressed into someone’s hot body? How could anyone sleep even touching someone else? No thank you. I wanted to be all by myself, on my pretend island on my side of the bed.
Until Jason. The first night we spent together was in my apartment, not his. It wasn’t a drunken falling into bed but a sober experience, in more ways than one. I still remember everything about it. How we had spent the evening kissing, and kissing, and kissing on the sofa. How I knew then that this was it, that he was the one for me.
I remember that I got up and went to the bathroom and started getting ready for bed. I brushed my teeth, took my hair down, and got undressed. I pulled on my pajamas and padded back into the living room, where I think Jason was shell-shocked, wondering where on earth I’d gone, what I was doing. He never expected me to come back into the room in my pink and white flowery pajamas.
I walked over to him, sitting on the sofa, took his hand, and saying nothing at all I led him into my bedroom, sat him on my bed, then straddled him, taking his face in my hands and kissing his face everywhere but his mouth. I wanted to remember this. I wanted to remember everything.
And finally, gently, I kissed his lips, back to his neck, and back to his lips, and it was the sweetest, slowest, most loving kiss I could ever remember.
He buried his face in my hair, in my neck, murmuring my name. It had been such a long time coming, Jason and I, friends for so long, this unspoken attraction unspoken for so very long, that allowing it to emerge was an almost spiritual experience.
He unbuttoned the buttons of my pajamas very slowly, kissing all the way down, as I moved my hands under his T-shirt, unable to believe I was able to do this, feel his skin, feel his tongue in his mouth, when it was all I had thought about for so very long.
It was soft, and sweet, and slow. Loving. It was the first time I had ever known the difference between sex and fucking and making love. This was making love, and when he was above me, moving inside me, leaning down to kiss me all over my face, in just the way I had kissed him all over his when I first sat him on the bed, I was astonished to feel tears leaking their way out of my eyes.
He stopped moving. “You’re crying. Why are you crying? Am I hurting you?”
I shook my head. I had no words. I had no idea how to explain that these were tears of joy, because I had never cried tears of joy before.
Afterward, he pulled me in tight, spooning into him, and I sank back into his body, wanting to drink in his taste, his smell, his strong arms wrapped around me.
I woke up to daylight streaming in through the cracks at the sides of the curtains, Jason’s arms still around me, still holding me tight, and I had had the best night’s sleep I had ever had.
It was how we always slept. No matter how bad things were between us, we slept together, in the middle of the bed, Jason’s arms wrapped tightly around me, and however bad things had been, however much we had fought, as soon as I felt his arms, I knew everything would be all right.
* * *
I stay on the beach for a long time. I wish Jason hadn’t heard me say it. Even though I said I didn’t want to sleep with him, what the hell am I even doing putting the words “Jason” and “sleep with” in the same sentence? Surely he’ll think I am thinking about sleeping with him. Maybe he’ll even laugh about it when he’s home, lying in bed with the poison dwarf, both of them feeling sorry for me, the single mother who threw her life away and won’t find anyone to love her ever again.
People start gathering up their things, and I realize it’s time to go. Much as I would love to stay away forever, we’ve got days and days more, and Jason’s going to stay in the house, and I can’t avoid him forever.
* * *
The house is quiet, until I hear a burst of laughter coming from the screen porch. Female laughter, and it’s not Annie’s.
I walk through the kitchen, wondering who in the hell is in my house, and push open the door to find Jason sitting on the sofa, a pitcher of iced tea on the table, with Julia.
They both clearly found something incredibly amusing before I walked in, and I bite my tongue so as not to say something sarcastic, because I am completely discombobulated by seeing the two of them together, the two of them laughing, and oh how I am hoping I am imagining the threads of chemistry I feel weaving around the room.
Instead I look warily from one to the other, disturbed that they were having fun, that I was excluded from the aforementioned fun, and bewildered as to what she is doing here.
“Julia. What a surprise. How’s Trudy?” I hover in the doorway, wanting very much to disturb them, to disturb their laughter, whatever fun they seem to be having, but not, obviously, wanting to disturb them.
“Come and join us,” says Jason. “I made iced tea.”
“No you didn’t.” Julia shoots him a look as he shrugs apologetically. “I made iced tea. You had no idea how to do it.” She’s smiling, and I’m quite sure she’s flirting, and I look from one to the other, stunned, not knowing quite what to do, only knowing that I wish she would leave.
“I have absolutely no idea what’s going on here. How do you know each other, and what are you doing here, Julia?” I try to keep my voice light, keep the accusation out of it, but I’m not sure how successful I am.
Julia has the grace to look embarrassed. “I’m so sorry, Cat. I came over to apologize for last night, and to thank you for looking after Trudy. I was organizing a big event over at Quidnet last night, and I didn’t even think to check my cell. I thought the girls were staying in watching a movie. I’m completely mortified at what happened, and so upset. And, obviously, so worried about them. I can’t believe they stole a scooter and then crashed. Thank God no one was seriously hurt. And there’s something else I have to tell you.…” She looks away, uncomfortable. “I am so sorry, Cat, but I lied about Ellie saying it was fine for the girls to be together.”
My mouth drops open as I look at her in disbelief, even though a part of me thought this might have been the case. I had a feeling, but I didn’t want to believe it so I didn’t pursue it.
How stupid I have been.
“I just felt so awful that the girls couldn’t be friends, so Trudy and I decided not to say anything. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I realize how wrong it was. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh my God, Julia,” I gasp. “I don’t even know what to say. That’s such a huge lie.” I am gratified that even Jason looks shocked.
“I know, but it truly came from the best intentions. I screwed up.”
“Ellie knows you were lying too.”
“Yes. Now she does. I’ve apologized to her.”
“Did she go off the rails?”
“No. She’s too guilty at not being here, and too relieved that Trudy is okay. I think she’s even relieved that you were there. This time she will actually let the girls see each other. She feels horrible, and she knows she was wrong.”
Julia looks remorseful, which isn’t really the point. I still can’t believe she would lie, not just to Ellie, but to me; to all of us. And even though this may have resulted in what we all wanted, the dishonesty behind it makes me wonder how well I know Julia, why she would go to the trouble of lying for my daughter.
“Why
did you do it?” I ask. “Why risk it?”
“I did it for Trudy. I know how much she has always wanted a big family, and I didn’t think it was right to keep them apart, so I took matters into my own hands. I know I was wrong. I feel horrible about it now.”
To give her credit, she does look mortified, but I feel extremely unsettled. Honesty has become such a huge part of my life; if I had known she had lied, I would never have encouraged the girls to get together.
And yet, I stop myself, I did know. On some level, I knew.
But if Julia could lie so easily about that, what else might she lie about? Would she lie that she has forgiven me? Would she be that callous? Does she, in fact, feel the same as Ellie?
“I know what you’re thinking,” Julia says, standing in front of me now, grabbing my arms. “I hated lying. I’m not a liar, I did this for the girls. For you. I know I made a terrible mistake but this isn’t who I am, and I am going to make it up to you. If nothing else, Ellie is pretty disgusted with me right now, but much more inclined to have a relationship with you. She has forgiven you. This isn’t all bad, Cat.”
I look in her eyes, and I realize she is right. People make mistakes. We fuck up, and what kind of person would I be if I was unable to forgive her?
I close my eyes for a few seconds and nod my head. “Okay,” I say. “Okay, I understand. We need to move on from this.”
Julia envelops me in a hug. “Thank you. You will never know how relieved I am. And Ellie too, so relieved and appreciative. She said she had no idea what would have happened if you hadn’t been there.”
How could she not believe it? I think, staring at her. Isn’t Julia filled with stories of doing exactly the same thing when she was a teenager? Didn’t she regularly steal Jeeps parked by the harbor and drive them to parties all over the island? Didn’t she sneak into all the bars underage, chatting up the doormen and sticking her boobs out to get in? How on earth could she possibly think Trudy isn’t going to do, if not the same exact thing, then something similar?
How did I not realize? I think. Because I still think of Annie as a little girl. I hadn’t realized, until last night, just how much she has grown up.
“I am so sorry, Cat.” Julia is standing in front of me now, and she grabs my arms. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it up to you. Ellie is furious with me. She may never talk to me again. But she’s feeling a bit warmer toward you, although disgusted with me that I went out to an event and wasn’t contactable, and you were the one who showed up.”
“I imagine it’s the last thing she would have wanted.”
“I imagine that’s true, although she is relieved and appreciative you were there. Really appreciative. She said she had no idea what would have happened if you hadn’t been there.”
A glow of warmth spreads inside me, and I realize how much it has bothered me, all these years, being hated by someone for no reason at all. I am a people-pleaser; I need to be liked, and I can’t help but feel gratified that Ellie may be changing her mind, even though it took a web of lies to get her there.
“The nurses at the hospital told me you were back and forth between the two rooms all night. I feel awful I wasn’t there when it happened. I’m so sorry, Cat. I really don’t know how to thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. It’s the least I could do, the least anyone would have done. I just wish I had known you weren’t going to be around last night. The girls could have come here.”
“Ellie would never have allowed it. I was just trying to do the right thing without having the girls feel like they had to lie. I’m sorry.”
“Okay. It’s … fine. I’m just relieved I was able to be there. How is Trudy doing?”
“She’s okay. They took off the bandages to examine the eye, and they think it’s going to be fine. Ellie’s with her. I just left to get her some things from home, and I wanted to drop by and say thank you in person.”
“Oh. So … have you been here long?” I look at the iced tea, remember the discomfort of walking in to her and Jason laughing.
She flushes slightly again and grabs her straw purse from the floor. “Longer than I should have been. I’ve got to get back to the hospital. Cat, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, and again, I am so sorry.” And with that my half sister puts her arms around me and gives me a genuine hug. “It was good to meet you, Jason,” she says, as he stands up and shakes her hand across the coffee table. I watch his face very carefully as he looks at her, and I forget everything that just happened.
I know my husband.
Ex-husband.
He fancies her.
Fuck.
I know that look in his eye. For once, Cara the poison dwarf doesn’t seem like a bad alternative. I walk Julia to the car and come straight back in, standing in the doorway with my arms crossed accusingly.
“You fancy her.”
“Oh my God.” He starts to laugh. “Are you out of your mind?” And I start to feel a tiny bit better.
“You were totally flirting with her,” I say, but even I’m aware there is less conviction in my voice.
“I was not flirting with her, totally or otherwise. Actually I was curious about the sister I’d never met.”
“Half sister. You do realize it would practically be incest. And more to the point, what would Cara say if she knew you were entertaining attractive single women in your screen porch?”
Jason makes a face, looks away, then looks back at me, and I know what’s coming next, a shiver of happiness running through me in anticipation of the words I know I’m about to hear.
“We broke up.”
“What?” I sit down in the chair opposite, shocked in spite of myself, trying to hide the smile that so desperately wants to break out, having completely forgotten the unsettling conversation with Julia, having completely forgotten, in fact, that Julia was just here.
“What do you mean you broke up? When? Why? I thought this was the big one. I thought you were going to end up together.” It’s too late: The smile has made its way onto my face, and I know how massively inappropriate that is, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop smiling.
“We broke up about a month ago.”
“You didn’t say anything?”
He shakes his head.
“So. What happened?”
“It just wasn’t right.”
“Oh come on, Jason. It’s me. I know I’m not your wife anymore, but you have to tell me. Let me guess. You had enough of her telling you what to do.”
“It wasn’t just that.”
“So that was part of it?”
He groans and sinks his head into his hands. “Okay. It was all too much for me. Everything revolved around her, everything had to be done her way. I tried, I really tried to make her happy, but nothing was ever going to make her happy. I’m not sure anything ever will.”
“But you didn’t end it, surely?” I know Jason. He’s a good guy, a people-pleaser. That’s why I thought he was so stuck. Even if he was miserable, he’d have to stay to try to make it better, try to make her happy.
“She kind of ended it.” He starts to shift awkwardly in his seat. He’s not making eye contact, and I realize he must have done something, behaved in a way that made her give him an ultimatum.
“What did you do?”
“Nothing. I didn’t do anything!”
I peer at him. “Did you have an affair?”
“Can you have an affair when it’s just a girlfriend? Don’t you have to be married?”
“You’re totally evading the question, which means you did! You started seeing someone else!” I’m shocked, but convinced this is what he did. It’s so typically male. They’ll never directly end it, unless of course you’re a raging alcoholic and make your marriage a living hell; instead they’ll behave so badly that the woman is forced to end it, to say shape up or ship out, offer an ultimatum that enables them to make an easy exit.
“I didn’t actually do anything,” Ja
son admits reluctantly. “It was a flirtation, and not even one I started. Someone was flirting with me.”
“Who?”
“An actress I was working with. She was sending me some pretty outrageous texts, and Cara found them.”
My mouth has dropped open. “You really didn’t respond?”
“Barely. I was extremely polite, but”—he looks embarrassed—“I didn’t want to be rude and not say anything.”
“What did Cara do?”
“It was extremely high drama for twenty-four hours. Lots of screaming and crying. I kept telling her nothing had happened and it wasn’t my fault this woman had a crush on me, but she didn’t believe me. In the end she said she couldn’t trust me anymore and she was leaving, and I had screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“So you got dumped.”
“I can’t quite think of it that way because I’d been desperate for it to be over for weeks. I just didn’t know how to extricate myself. This was like a lucky gift from God.”
“Has she been back in touch saying she made a terrible mistake yet?”
He gives me a sheepish smile. “Yes. She said she realized I would never do anything to hurt her and she wanted to give me a second chance.”
“And you said?”
“That over the past few days I had had a lot of time to really think about what she had said, and I think she was right, we aren’t right for each other.”
“You know I never liked her,” I say, knowing that I probably shouldn’t be saying this.
“She didn’t like you either.” He grins.
“Well, clearly. She obviously hated my guts. She didn’t seem like a very nice person, and honestly, I couldn’t ever figure out what you saw in her. She treated Annie horribly. Not in the beginning when she was trying to win her over, but as soon as she felt secure with you, Annie just seemed to become this enormous source of resentment and irritation.”