by Stephen Fry
‘The feeling, Donald,’ said the President, ‘is that English graduates cannot offer an expertise of benefit to the country. The fruits of research in botany or genetics or even my own subject, economics, are recognised as having a palpable value to the world …’
‘Hear, hear,’ said Menzies.
‘Poppycock,’ said Munroe, accepting a box of matches from Trefusis.
‘But you and your colleagues,’ said the President, ignoring both interruptions, ‘are seen more and more as an intolerable burden on the tax-payer. There is nothing for you to discover of interest, nothing you can offer your undergraduates that fits them usefully into industry or profitable enterprise. You know that those are not my views. Around this table we have rehearsed many times the arguments and counter-arguments and I do not propose to do so again. I can only tell you that the monies will not be available this year.’
‘Mr President,’ said a don at the end of the table, ‘I would like you to register my view that this is an absolute disgrace. This Philistinism will do nothing but impoverish our country. I hope you will minute my utter disgust.’
‘Well,’ said Trefusis, ‘that should make Sir Keith Joseph and his friends shake in their boots, shouldn’t it? No, no. The time has come for action. With the Fellows’ approval I can train a hand-picked company of crack undergraduates and be in Whitehall before June.’
‘This pose of embittered and embattled artist,’ said Menzies, ‘is unseemly and out of date. Society can no longer afford its jesters and is weary of being hit over the head with empty pigs’ bladders. The world is bored of the piffling excesses of the Arts, of its arrogance and irrelevance to the real world. Your fat could do with trimming.’
‘You’re right of course,’ said Trefusis, ‘I see that now. We need lawyers. Wave upon wave of them.’
‘Well of course it’s very easy to mock …’
‘It’s certainly easy to mock some things,’ agreed Trefusis. ‘Oddly enough though I’ve never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous – perhaps it’s just me.’
III
‘So you see my little honeypot baby-squeeze,’ said Adrian, ‘I have to come up with some bloody piece of research or I may be out on my rather divinely shaped ear.’
‘Well it’s about time you did some work,’ said Jenny, biting his nipple.
‘That’s a horrid thing to say. Now go a bit lower down and get those lips working, it’s my turn to come and I have to be off to the University Library.’
Jenny sat up.
‘That reminds me,’ she said. ‘Mary and I have written a letter to all the Senior Tutors in Cambridge.’
‘Good God,’ said Adrian, pulling her head down again, ‘this is no time to babble of schoolgirl crushes.’
‘No listen,’ she said popping up. ‘It’s the pornography.’
‘What?’
‘You know I’ve been going to Tim Anderson’s lectures on Derrida and Sexual Difference?’
‘Look, if your mouth’s busy you could at least use your hands. There’s some baby oil under the bed.’
‘Well, he showed us some pornography last week. Boxfuls of it. From the University Library. It’s a copyright library, you see, so they get a copy of everything published. Everything.’
‘What, you mean … everything?’
‘Everything. Centuries of pornography up to the present day. The cellars are packed with tons of the most degrading and disgusting … I’m talking about amputees, children, appliances, things you could never even imagine.’
‘You don’t know what I could imagine.’
‘I went to have a look at some of it. All I needed was Helen Greenman’s signature. Told her it was to do with Tim Anderson’s lectures. Well I mean, this stuff shouldn’t be at Cambridge. It has no possible academic justification. It’s degrading to women and should be burnt.’
‘And degrading to animals and children and appliances, I shouldn’t wonder.’
‘Adrian, it’s not funny. I think the UL dignifies this shit by storing it. So Mary and I are trying to get it banned.’
‘What sort of things did you see exactly?’
‘Well you have to view it in a private room …’
‘Describe it to me … and use your left hand. That’s it. A bit faster. Yes! Oh yes indeed. Now, what did you see?’
‘Well there was one where this woman took a pork-pie …’
IV
‘That’s the posish, Gary,’ said Adrian when he had walked back from Newnham to St Matthew’s. ‘It’s all there, a whole index expurgatorius waiting to be drooled over. And this is what the librarian needs to be shown.’
He handed him a small piece of paper on which was written:
‘I authorise access to Jennifer de Woolf, an undergraduate of this college, to the following titles of Special Research Material …’
Underneath were listed titles of books and magazines and at the bottom was the signature, ‘Helen Greenman, Senior Tutor, Newnham College’.
Gary’s mouth fell open.
‘Elsa and the Bull, Young Nuns, Concentration Camp Action … you’re joking … My Hot Little Daughter, Hung, Young and Handsome, Tampon Tina, Fist Fuck Faggots, Clingfilm Fantasies. Clingfilm? Bleeding Christ.’
Adrian was rifling in the drawer of his desk.
‘Too good to be missed I think you’ll agree. Where are we … ah, yes.’ He took a piece of writing-paper from his drawer. ‘Now then, Gary, my old chum, my old mate, my old mucker. Do you want to knock off say … fifty quid from your debt? Of course you do. I want you to examine this letter, paying particular attention to the signature at the bottom.’
Gary took it.
‘Dear Mr Healey, Dr Pittaway tells me that you are in need of instruction for the Philology option in the English Tripos. I have not forgotten your expertise as an umpire when we met at Chartham Park last summer and remember you as an alert young person bright with capability and promise. I would therefore be most happy to offer you what help I may. My rooms are in Hawthorn Tree Court, A3. I shall expect you at ten o’clock on Wednesday the 4th unless I hear otherwise. Please be sure to bring your mind with you. Donald Trefusis.’
‘What about it?’ said Gary.
‘You can forge my signature, which is delicate and elegant. This scrawl can’t be beyond you?’
‘You dirty fucker.’
‘Well quite.’
V
Adrian walked through Clare College towards the University Library. The impertinence of the building, as it launched upwards like a rocket, had always annoyed him. Compared to the feminine domed grace of Oxford’s Bodleian or London’s British Museum, it was hardly a thing of beauty. It strained up like a swollen phallus, trying to penetrate the clouds. The same principle as a Gothic spire, Adrian supposed. But the union of the library and the heavens would be a very secular Word-made-Flesh indeed.
He went inside and made his way up to the catalogue room. He flipped through the card indices, scribbling down hopeful titles. Everywhere grey-faced research graduates and desperate third year students with books under their arms and private worlds of scholarship in their eyes hurried back and forth. He spotted Germaine Greer clutching a pile of very old books and Stephen Hawking, the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, steering his motor-driven chair into the next room.
Do I really have a place here? Adrian wondered. All this work? This sweat? No short cuts, no cheating, no copying out, no grafting? Of course I do. A physicist doesn’t work any harder than I do. He just copies out God’s ideas. And he usually gets them wrong.
*
Gary watched Trefusis leave his rooms, briefcase in hand, trailing a cloud of smoke. He waited until five minutes after he had crossed the Sonnet Bridge before climbing the stairs to the first floor.
The latch of the outer oak door surrendered easily to Adrian’s Barclaycard, as Adrian had said it would. Gary turned on the lights and surveyed the Manhattan of books before him.
It’s got to be in here somewhere, he said to himself. I suppose I’ll just have to wait for it to reveal itself.
*
Adrian went to the desk in the reading-room and waited to be noticed. It was very tempting to slap the counter and shout ‘Shop!’ He managed a polite cough instead.
‘Sir?’
Librarians always seemed to treat Adrian with as much apathy and contempt as was possible without being openly rude. He would sometimes ask any one of the UL staff for a book written in, say, a rare dialect of Winnebago Indian, just for the hell of it, and they would hand it over with wrinkled noses and an air of superior scorn, as if they’d read it years ago and had long got over the stage where such obvious and juvenile nonsense could possibly be of the remotest interest to them. Had they somehow seen through him or was their contempt for undergraduates universal? The specimen who had come forward now seemed more than usually spotty and aloof. Adrian favoured him with an amiable smile.
‘I’d like,’ he said in ringing tones, ‘A Fulsome Pair of Funbags and Fleshy Dimpled Botts please, and Davina’s Fun with Donkeys if it’s not already out … oh and Wheelchair Fellatio I think …’
The librarian pushed his spectacles up his nose.
‘What?’
‘And Brownies and Cubs on Camp, Fido Laps it Up, Drink My Piss, Bitch and A Crocodile of Choirboys. I believe that’s all. Oh, The Diary of a Maryanne, too. That’s a Victorian one. Here’s an authorisation slip for you.’
Adrian flourished a piece of paper.
The librarian swallowed as he read it.
Tut-tut, thought Adrian. Showing Concern And Confusion. Infraction of Rule One of the Librarian’s Guild. He’ll be drummed out if he’s not careful.
‘Whose signature is this please?’
‘Oh, Donald Trefusis,’ said Adrian. ‘He’s my Senior Tutor.’
‘One moment.’
The librarian moved away and showed the paper to an older man in the background.
It was like trying to get a large cheque cashed, the same whispered conferences and sly glances. Adrian turned and took a leisurely look around the room. Dozens of faces immediately buried themselves back in their work. Other dozens stared at him. He smiled benignly.
‘Excuse me, Mr … Mr Healey, is it?’
The older librarian had approached the counter.
‘Yes?’
‘May I ask for what purpose you wish to look at these … er … publications?’
‘Research. I’m doing a dissertation on “Manifestations of Erotic Deviancy In …”’
‘Quite so. This appears to be Professor Trefusis’s signature. However I think I should ring him up if you don’t mind. Just to make sure.’
Adrian waved a casual hand.
‘Oh, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be bothered about this, would he?’
‘These authorisations are not usual for undergraduates, Mr Healey.’
‘Adrian.’
‘I would be much happier.’
Adrian swallowed.
‘Well of course, if you think it’s necessary. I can give you his number in college if you like. It’s –’
The librarian scented triumph.
‘No, no, sir. We can find it ourselves, I’m sure.’
*
Gary managed to track down the telephone under an ottoman. He answered it on the fifth ring.
‘Yes?’ he panted. ‘Trefusis here, I was just taking a crap, what is it? … Who? … Speak up man … Healey? … “Manifestations of Erotic Desire …”? Yes, is there some problem? … Of course it’s my signature … I see. A little trust would not go amiss, you know. You’re running a library, not a weapons depository, this bureaucracy is … No doubt, but that’s what the guards at Buchenwald said … Very well, very well. You catch me in a bad mood this morning, take no notice … All right. Goodbye then.’
*
‘That appears to be fine, Mr Healey. You appreciate that we had to make sure?’
‘Of course, of course.’
The librarian gulped.
‘These will take some time to … er … locate, sir. If you’d like to come back in half an hour? We’ll provide a private reading-room for you.’
‘Thank you,’ said Adrian. ‘Most kind.’
He bounced springily along the corridor on his way down to the tea-room.
I can fool all of the people all of the time, he thought.
A man walked past him.
‘Morning, Mr Healey.’
‘Morning, Professor Trefusis,’ said Adrian.
Trefusis! Adrian skidded to a halt. He was heading for the reading-room! Not even Trefusis could answer his telephone at St Matthew’s and be in the UL at the same time.
He tried to shout after him but could manage only a hoarse whisper.
‘Professor! … Professor!’
Trefusis had reached the door. He turned in surprise.
‘Yes?’
Adrian ran up to him.
‘Before you go in, sir, I wondered if I could have a word?’
‘Very well. What is it?’
‘Can I buy you a bun in the tea-room?’
‘What?’
‘Well, I wondered … are you going in for a book or to do some work?’
‘To do some work as it happens.’
‘Oh, I shouldn’t if I were you.’
Trefusis smiled.
‘You’ve tried it and find it a disagreeable pursuit? I’m afraid in my case it has to be done. Someone, after all, has to write articles for future undergraduates to copy out.’
He put his hand to the finger-plate of the door.
Adrian only just managed to stop himself from tugging at his sleeve.
‘Full. Not a reading table to be had. That’s why I wanted to speak to you. Wondered if you could show me a good place to work.’
‘Well, I find the ninth-floor reading-room is generally free from distraction. You might try there. However I am bound to say that I would feel a little bothered working in the same room as you. I’ll go and see if there are any private rooms free on this floor, I think.’
He pushed against the door. Adrian practically screamed.
‘No that’s all right, sir! You go to the ninth floor. I’ve just remembered, I’ve got to go anyway. Got a … meeting.’
Trefusis came away from the door, amused.
‘Very well. I am greatly looking forward to your master-work, you know. People think our subject is airy-fairy, namby-pamby, arty, not to put too fine a point on it, farty. But as you are no doubt discovering, it is grind and toil from Beowulf to Bloomsbury. Grind, grind, grind. Toil, toil, toil. I like the Kickers. Good morning.’
Adrian looked down at his shoes. They were indeed smart.
‘Thank you, Professor. And your brogues are a riot.’
With breathless relief he watched Trefusis disappear round the corner towards the lifts.
Adrian got back to St Matthew’s to find that Gary had pushed all the furniture back to the walls and cleared the floor, which was covered with a vast sheet onto which he was drawing in charcoals.
‘How’d it go?’
‘Fabulous. Like a breeze. Did you put a handkerchief in your mouth?’
‘Nah! If there’s one thing Trefusis sounds like, it’s a man with no handkerchief in his mouth. I just went up two octaves and sounded pissed off.’
Adrian scrutinised Gary’s activities.
‘So. Second question. What are you doing to my room?’
‘Our room.’
‘Our room, that I furnish and pay for?’
‘This is a cartoon.’
‘A cartoon.’
‘In the original sense.’
‘So the original sense of cartoon is “total fucking mess” is it?’
‘The original sense of cartoon is a sheet of material onto which you draw the outlines of your fresco.’
Adrian picked his way through the debris and poured himself a glass of wine from a half-empty bottle on the ma
ntelpiece. A half-empty bottle of the college’s best white burgundy, he noted.
‘Fresco?’
‘Yeah. When I’ve designed it, I simply hang the sheet over the wall, prick the outline onto the wet plaster and get to work as quickly as possible before …’
‘What wet plaster would that be?’
Gary pointed to a blank space of wall.
‘I thought there. We just rip off the old plasterwork, bit of bonding on the laths, and Bob’s your uncle.’
‘Bob is not my uncle. I have never had an uncle called Bob. I never intend to have an uncle called Bob. If being Bob’s nephew involves destroying a five-hundred-year-old …’
‘Six hundred years actually. It’s going to be a representation of Britain in the late seventies. Thatcher, Foot, CND marches, unemployment. Everything. I paint it, then we cover it with wood panelling. That’s the expensive bit. The panelling will have to be hinged, see? In a hundred years’ time this room will be priceless.’
‘It’s already priceless. Couldn’t we leave it as it is? Henry James had tea here. Isherwood made love to a choral scholar in that very bedroom. A friend of Thomas Hardy’s committed suicide here. Marlowe and Kydd danced a galliard on these exact floorboards.’
‘And Adrian Healey commissioned Gary Collins’s first fresco here. History is an on-going process.’
‘And what’s our bedder going to say?’
‘It’ll brighten her day. Better than picking up the manky Y-fronts of the economists opposite.’
‘Fuck you, Gary. Why do you always make me sound so prissy and middle-class?’
‘Bollocks.’
Adrian looked round the room and tried to fight down his bourgeois panic.
‘So, hinged panelling, you say?’
‘Shouldn’t cost too much if that’s what you’re worrying about. I picked up this builder who’s working on the site of Robinson College. He reckons he can get me some good stuff for under five hundred and he’ll do all the rendering and plastering for free if I let him fuck me.’