“He has, Father.”
“What? When was he here?”
Rufus shook his head. “No, he wasn’t here. But he has asked every one of us that question through so many of his parables and admonitions. He has asked us to leave our nets, leave our homes, take up our crosses, and follow him. When I heard it asked the first time and understood that we all must to be able to answer the question if we are to become true followers, I started thinking about it. I had to take time and really consider if I meant it. I had to picture it, to test myself, to talk to Batya, and then to pray and ask God to help me understand my feelings.”
“And I suppose you must have become convinced?”
“I have. I wish I could explain this better, but after I thought about it all I could, I asked God to help me know if I meant it, if I could really do it.”
“And what did he say?” Simon asked.
“He didn’t say anything, but he gave me an answer. I offered the prayer I just described to you one evening after a few months of questioning myself and pondering the idea. When I went to sleep, I was not sure, but I knew that God would let me know where I stood with him. And if I was lacking, I would keep working on it. However, when I awoke, there was this certainty in my heart. Father, I knew! I knew beyond any doubt that I could do it.”
“So, then,” Simon asked, “why are you still here?” He was almost scowling.
“I thought about leaving, as Alexander has done, about just giving my shop to someone and taking the family and going to find Jesus. But something important occurred to me. I don’t believe he is asking every person to physically leave their professions and walk with him. He is the Son of God, but still he grows older. He was a baby once, then a child, and now a man. I assume he will grow older and older and die someday. If he does, how will we follow him them? How will those who come after us follow him? I don’t think these commandments are only for when he is here with us.”
Simon’s interest was growing.
“So what did you decide?” he asked.
The two men were now sitting cross-legged and facing each other. Mara sat just behind Simon, and Batya just behind Rufus. The two women exchanged small smiles. Mara then looked at Rufus and gently nodded, encouraging him to continue.
“I think it is this, Father. For some, really a few, he wants them to literally follow him, walk with him, assist him in his work. But for most of us, he means for us to follow him by living the way he is asking us to, by keeping the commandments he gives us, by treating others the way he would. Really, by emulating as well as we are able all he does. This is why I stayed. This is why I keep my shop. Every day, people come to sit and discuss the Master’s teachings. I help them understand when I can, and by doing that, I am sharing his words, and I am following him.”
Batya interrupted him. “Father, you should know that Rufus is considered a great teacher, and people hear about him and come from long distances to ask him questions. He has become a leader in this movement.”
“Rufus, if I wanted to do what you have done, to really know if I would follow him, would I just do as you have?”
“Yes,” Rufus answered, without sitting up. “That is the way he taught us. Do all you can and then prayerfully ask God. He will tell you.”
Simon sat quietly thinking about his answer, and Rufus asked, “Is there more on your mind, Father?”
Simon responded, “You said something about ‘taking up a cross.’ Are you referring to a crucifixion?”
Rufus now sat up on one elbow. “Father, I have prayed about this as well. I don’t think he literally means for us to be crucified, but I think it is a symbol to represent death. The question is would we be willing to die for him.”
“A crucifixion is a Roman atrocity. It’s torture. It is a terrible way to die,” Simon said with great seriousness.
“Yes, I know. But I suppose if you can answer yes to dying that way, you’re sincere about dying if he asks you to for his sake.”
Simon lay back down. “If that is Jesus’s intent, to make the question as difficult as possible, then he was successful. I have seen a crucifixion. Only once, but I wish I had not. I cannot get the memory out of my mind.”
With that, the conversation ended for the evening. The four adults looked at the stars for a while more, and then Rufus and Batya quietly stood and left. Mara saw them out and then returned to Simon.
“I am going to sleep. Are you coming?”
He patted her hand. “I think I will stay up here awhile longer.”
Mara leaned down and kissed his cheek, and then she quietly descended the steps back to the main floor.
Simon lay on the rooftop for a long while, pondering the evening’s conversation. He decided the time had come. He needed to know if he would truly leave everything to follow the Messiah. He was fearful that he would discover he was not willing. But even more concerning to him was the thought of not knowing.
The following evening after Mara and Simon had cleaned up their meal and said evening prayers with their three younger children, Simon asked Mara to follow him to the roof.
“Sit with me,” he said when they got there.
“You seem excited.”
“I am, Mara. While I believe I have been following Jesus this past year, it’s always been from a distance. I feel I am so close, but so close is not enough. I need to know. If Jesus is telling the truth, if he is truly the Son of God, if his new commandments are truly how we must live, then I believe it’s vital for me to find out for myself. And I know that if I ask God, he will show me the way.”
Mara just smiled at him. “You know that? How long have you known that?”
Simon mused, “For much longer than I wish to admit. A few years ago, when I first found Alexander in Capernaum, he told me about the day Jesus taught on the mountainside. I felt something very strongly then, and I prayed that night for God to tell me if he would answer my questions. He told me, beyond any doubt, that he would.”
She looked confused. “That was a few years ago? And you are only now beginning to ask?”
Simon looked at her sadly. “I know. It seems to make no sense. For the longest time I have been afraid.”
“Afraid? Really? I have always felt you were afraid of nothing,” Mara said.
“I was afraid I was not the kind of man who would give up everything, like you said you would. When I received the knowledge that God would answer me, I was afraid of what I would hear when I asked—not what I’d learn about Jesus but what I’d learn about myself.”
She grabbed his hands.
“My sweet, honorable husband, I want you to know how happy this makes me. What do you think has changed in you?”
Simon smiled and said, “Do you mean besides that I am no longer a stubborn man?”
“Oh, I don’t think that has changed.”
They both laughed.
“No, I suppose it hasn’t, and it is probably why this has taken so long. I think what has changed is that all along, even though I have loved his teachings, I have believed it is all up to me. Mara, I have tried hard to be the kind of man I felt I needed to be . . .”
“And you have, Simon. No woman could be more fortunate.”
“But I have always felt everything was on me. I think I have not allowed God to work his miracles in my life. And now I understand that this has actually shown him I don’t trust him.”
“Really, Simon? I would never say that you don’t trust God.”
He squeezed her hands again in appreciation. “I know. I wouldn’t have either until now. But I think that’s really what it is.” He thought, and his face lit up. “If I took Samuel and put him up on a wall, and put out my arms, asking him to jump to me, but instead he climbed down carefully, he would be acting responsibly, but he would not be trusting me that there was a better way. He found one answer, but there was a better answe
r, and until he trusted me, he would not be able to find it.”
Mara continued to watch him, saying nothing.
“I think God has been trying for a long time to teach me to trust him. He gave me you—someone who needs so much less proof to believe in him—as an example. But . . .” Simon’s eyes filled with tears.
“But he has not given up on me, stubborn as I am. I am in awe of how much I think he loves me. I need to do my best to know if I can completely love and follow him. To trust him. To give up everything if he asks me to.”
They each leaned forward, putting their foreheads against one another and holding hands. He looked down at her hands tightly clasping his and saw one of her tears fall upon them.
“Mara, I need time alone to pray, to ask for help. I hope you will understand, but I would like to stay up here for a while by myself tonight.”
She said nothing. She leaned forward and took his cheeks in her hands and kissed him on the forehead. She then stood, walked quietly to the steps, and went down.
Simon sat for quite some time, looking up at the evening sky. He had contemplated for a long time how to address God but was still not sure he knew how. Sitting cross-legged, he placed his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands. He spoke out loud.
“Adonay, I am not sure I really know how to pray to you the right way.”
He thought of all the prayers he had uttered in his life—real, true heartfelt prayers. He was ashamed there were so few he could remember most of them. Most clear to him was the first, the one he had uttered as he leaned against his house, terrified that Mara was in danger during Alexander’s birth. He remembered the relief that came almost instantly after saying amen, when he heard Alexander cry, followed by the calming voice of the midwife. Then something struck him. He put his head down.
“Dear Adonay, I don’t think I ever thanked you for blessing Mara and Alexander. I’m sorry. Thank you for saving my wife and son.”
He felt a peace move through him as though someone had placed a warm cloak over him on a cold evening.
He looked up at the sky again, and he felt contentment. He felt happy he had remembered to do that, to say thank you, and it felt right. He also realized something so surely it startled him. His eyes opened wide as he looked at the stars. God had heard his prayer then, years ago, and he was hearing this one; and in his way, he had just answered Simon. He realized that God was waiting, right now this very evening, this moment, and he was ready to listen, and most amazingly, ready to answer whatever Simon asked him.
Simon changed his position to be on his knees. He clasped his hands in front of him, bowed his head, and began to speak. He did not know if this was the proper way to pray, but he did know for sure that this way would be acceptable before God. He had intended to ask God a question, but instead he started telling God everything that had happened in his life these last several years. He explained to him the things that had upset him and confused him. As he did, mistakes he had made toward others came to mind, and he asked for God’s forgiveness, promising that if he found himself in those situations again, he would try to act differently. He told him the things that had touched his heart, the fears he had felt. The more Simon spoke, the more comfortable he became sharing everything, and the closer he felt to God. At times he cried in regret, and others in awe. Now and then he would stop speaking and feel a comfortable, perfect peace as he waited for more thoughts to flow into his mind and heart.
He never noticed the few times Mara quietly ascended the steps to check on him, heard him speaking, and then hurried back down to their room to afford Simon his privacy. He had no idea that down in their room, Mara was offering up her own prayers to God, pleading for him to hear Simon and answer him. He could not know that several houses away, Rufus could not sleep and had felt compelled to pray in behalf of his father. Or that hundreds of miles away, Alexander too was awake in the middle of the night, overcome with a peaceful urgency to pray for Simon. All Simon knew was that, for the first time in his life, he felt he was speaking with God and that whatever came of it, this was the right thing to do.
Simon also had no sense of the night’s passage.
When he lifted his head and wiped his eyes dry, he was surprised to see a faint lightening on the horizon, bearing witness to the coming dawn.
He bowed his head and spoke again. “God I am committing myself to thee. I want to be your disciple. I am not sure I can be all you need me to be, but I would like to try. Please help me to know if I am worthy to be called your disciple.”
Simon took a deep breath and lay back on the mat. As he watched the sky lighten, he did not know what would happen, but he knew he had done what he needed to do. He knew—in fact, he was certain—that the answer would come, in God’s way, when God was ready.
Simon slept briefly, from the first signs of dawn until sunrise. Despite the short rest, when he awoke he was full of energy. He stood and surveyed the view. He had seen it countless times before; but somehow today it felt new to him. Miles away, the water sparkled in the morning light. The sky was a beautiful vibrant blue with faint streaks of white. He was overcome with the beauty of it all. How have I never noticed this before, in this way? he wondered.
He walked down the steps, anxious to find Mara and share his experience. As he came toward their room, he heard the voices of Rufus and his family. He walked into their dining area and looked at Mara. They spoke not a word. Instead, his smile told her everything she wanted to hear. She walked quickly to him and threw her arms around his neck.
“Good morning,” he said.
She hugged him harder.
Finally they ended their embrace and turned toward the table. Rufus’s children began to giggle.
“Well, good morning to both of you!” Rufus said.
Simon walked Mara to the table. “What brings you here so early?” he asked, holding Mara’s hand tight.
“Father, I had to come over. I was praying for you last night and had a thought. Passover is coming soon, and I wondered if you—all of you, actually—would like to travel to go find the Messiah and hear him speak.”
Something leapt in Simon’s heart. He almost had to laugh at himself, thinking about the earlier invitation from Alexander and how he’d held himself back. Now he could hardly contain himself.
“Yes! I would love to hear him.” He looked at his children. “I think it would be wonderful for all the family to hear him.”
He then looked right at Rufus and said, “I am ready to hear him.”
Rufus nodded. “Wonderful!” he said. “I have work to do at the shop today. Let me complete that, but I think if we leave tomorrow, we should be able to get to Jerusalem in plenty of time. If Jesus is not there, I don’t believe he’ll be far.”
All the children started to speak at once. “Can we see Alexander and Devorah and Esther and Chava?”
In all these years, Simon had never taken his whole family to any of the regions where he’d done so much of his work. They would indeed try to see Alexander. But to hear the Messiah! Simon had thought of nothing else from the moment Rufus mentioned it.
Everyone was furiously busy the rest of the day. They packed clothing, prepared food for the journey, and made provisions for their animals.
Just as dawn broke the following day, Rufus and his family arrived at Simon’s home. They had secured the services of a man with two camels who would carry their things to the shore. Though the walk to port would take a half day, it would be mostly downhill. Once they arrived, the children would be tired, but they would have several days aboard ship to rest.
With Passover coming, Simon’s family was not the only one hoping to make the pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Throngs of people crowded the docks, some clearly new to the process of securing passage and negotiating fares with Roman ship captains. Simon told his family to sit and rest for a while. Then he began walking the harbor, a silent prayer
in his heart that he would find someone with enough room to take the nine of them together.
He scanned the row of boats tied to the docks and glanced at the smattering of larger ships waiting at buoys just off shore for a space to unload and reload. He saw another, a little farther out, making its approach to the harbor. This ship caught his attention for some reason, but he couldn’t quite figure out why.
Just then, Simon noticed that the boat in the very last slip along the dock was casting off. He watched as it slowly negotiated its way out into the channel and headed to sea. The ship that had caught his attention earlier then began to turn ever so slightly, clearly maneuvering toward the newly available slip. In an instant, realization dawned upon him. Soon, Simon was visibly beaming as he watched the ship’s captain—teenage son by his side—carefully dock the boat and call on his crew to secure the lines.
Simon grinned as he walked toward the new arrival, his hands waving greetings in the air. The captain stared at him for a few moments, then burst into a smile of recognition and began waving back.
“My friend!” the captain shouted as he disembarked. “I thought we might cross paths again sometime.”
“You recognized me . . .”
“Of course,” the captain said as he stepped closer. “I told you I would pray for you, pray that you would find what you asked for. I have done so. Have you found your answers?”
Simon smiled.
“All of it and more,” he said. “I have my family with me, and we are going to Judea. We want to find the Messiah and hear him teach.”
The captain turned his head toward the sea and rubbed his beard.
Simon could only see the captain’s profile but could tell he’d blinked his eyes a few times before turning back to face Simon.
“Then my prayers are answered as well,” the captain said as he took a breath. “I suppose you are looking for passage. How many of you are there?”
“Nine.”
The captain turned toward his son, who had followed him off the ship, and they spoke briefly.
The Last Man at the Inn Page 11