by Lara Swann
They call it morning sickness for a reason.
The moment I’m a couple of blocks away, I call Nat, trying to breathe evenly and hoping he picks up. It’s the middle of the day and I’m not sure whether he’s at work.
“Chloe?”
“Nat!” I say, almost exhaling his name with relief.
“You okay? I’m on a break, need to be back in ten minutes.”
“Okay, okay, sure. Sorry.” I say, taking a deep breath as I build myself up to it. “Nat…I’ve been sick the last four days.”
I say it in a hushed tone, glancing around in case there’s anyone close enough to overhear. This close to my parents’ house, I’m paranoid that anyone around here might recognize me - they’re the kind of people who like to be an active part of the community, after all. I mean, I guess that’s part of owning the local store, but that kind of visibility is something that really bothers me sometimes.
Like, for example, right now.
“Aw, I’m sorry hon. Is all the time at home getting a bit much—”
“No.” I interrupt, knowing I’m not making this clear. It’s just so hard to say. “I can’t remember the last time I had my period, either.”
“Oh.” There’s a pause on the other end of the line. “Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. Yeah I know.” My stomach flips within me as he echoes my own reaction. “I mean, it could be nothing. But, well, it’s just—”
“How long has it been since…oh my god, Chloe…shit.” He stumbles, sounding totally dumbfounded. It’s not helping.
“Listen, can I come round to yours tonight? I need to…I need to know.”
“Yeah, yeah of course. Um, what, um, what are you going to do if—”
“Woah! Okay, stop. I’m going to find out. That’s what I’m going to do. Let’s not…let’s not…” I can’t even say it.
“Yeah, yeah of course, sorry. I just, um, wow.”
“Right.” I say, trying to interrupt his stunned reaction. I really don’t want to hear that right now. “So, um, can you…can you pick me up a test, on your way home?”
“Yeah, okay, I’ll go by—wait. You live in a grocery store, Chloe.”
“My parents’ grocery store!” I point out, horrified. He’s really not thinking. “I can’t get it myself - what if they find out?”
“Well, if you’re pregnant they’re going to find out eventually any—”
“Nat! Please! I’m already on the edge of a panic attach here. Just help me out, okay?”
“Right. Okay. Sorry. I—err—I’ve never dealt with this before. Sure, I’ll pick you up a test.”
“Thank you.” I take a deep breath. “Maybe a couple, just…just in case.”
“Okay. Oh, shit—I have to go, Chloe—I’m sorry. Um, I’ll see you tonight, okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks, Nat, I…thanks.”
“No problem. See you later.”
He clicks off and I’m left holding the phone, taking deep breaths and trying not to hear all the things he was trying to point out. I mean, I can’t blame him - of course he’s never dealt with this kind of situation before - of course he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I don’t either.
Oh, please God, help me out here. Don’t say…don’t let this be true. Not right now. Not after one time…
Maybe my parents were right. Maybe it is wrong to do what I did - maybe it is something that’s only meant to be with that special person, someone you’ve already committed to spending the rest of your life with. Maybe this is His way of showing me that. I lift my hand up to my mouth, biting my fist to hold back the tears of panic and confusion that are burning just behind my eyes.
I take a long walk around before I go home, trying desperately not to think. Not yet. Not until I know.
When I get back, I tell my parents I’m going to lie down for a while and try to see Nat tonight, and they don’t object. I guess I look pretty miserable. The rest of the day passes far too slowly as I try my best not to get carried away by any of the terrifying thoughts. I don’t do a very good job, and nothing manages to distract me - not even the painting I was enthusiastically working on before I fell sick.
By the time Nat texts me to let me know he’s on his way home, I feel both full of adrenaline and exhausted, and I leave the house almost immediately. I just need to know.
I walk fast enough that I arrive at his out of breath, and earlier than I ever have before. I manage to walk into the building behind someone else obviously arriving home from work, and I’m a little worried that I’m going to be stood around waiting outside his apartment, but when I knock hurriedly on the door it opens immediately - almost as if he’s been stood behind it waiting.
“Hi.” I say, slightly breathless.
“Hi.” He repeats, looking at me a little wide-eyed as he steps back to let me in.
I wait until the door closes before I ask. “Did you get it?”
He nods, handing me a package.
“Okay, I’ll—I’ll be right back.”
“Right. Okay. Do you want anything? Coffee? Water? Beer? Can I do anything?”
“Um, no, I don’t think so.”
Considering how jangled my nerves already feel right now, coffee sounds like a bad idea. Beer is beyond tempting, despite the fact I don’t even like beer, but if I’m—well, no.
Just do it, Chloe. Stop stalling. Do it.
“I’ll be right back.” I say again, then disappear into his bathroom, closing the door behind me.
I almost wish I wasn’t doing this with an audience - but I don’t see any other way. There’s no way I could have done this in my parents’ house. Besides, if—well, I might want Nat here anyway. He might not have a clue, but at least he’s someone to talk to. If—just stop. Just do it.
I take a deep breath, opening up the two tests he got me - different brands, I notice - and walking over to the toilet. Then I find myself walking around the bathroom again before I can sit down - and it’s not a big bathroom. It’s more like turning in circles than walking, but, well, all this excess energy is killing me.
“Okay, okay. You’ve got this.”
I try to breathe normally as I sit down and hold the tests under me - and then curse as nothing happens. It’s suddenly infuriatingly hard to piss.
“C’mon…c’mon…”
A moment later, I get what I want, and I set the tests on the side of the sink before washing my hands.
And waiting.
I give it thirty seconds and then I open the door, stepping out to pace around Nat’s small apartment. It’s more an exercise in stepping over obstacles and trying not to trip than the frantic activity I’m looking for, but at least it’s something.
He looks up immediately when I come out.
“What—”
“I’m waiting.”
“Right.”
He’s got a beer, and I try not to be too jealous. When this is all over, in a few short minutes, I’m going to drink every last thing he has here. We’re going to laugh and cry and everything is going to be fine. Just a few moments longer…
The intense silence between us and my determined concentration on nothing at all lasts a while longer before I can’t stand it anymore.
“How long do you think it’s been?” I ask, looking at him.
He glances at the wristwatch he wears, even though most people I know have abandoned those in favor of their phone by now.
“Maybe three minutes.”
“Is that long enough?”
“Hon.” He says, sounding a little spaced out. “I have absolutely no idea.”
“You could have read the packaging.” I murmur, more to have something to complain about than anything else.
“So could you.” He points out amicably enough, and I lapse into silence again, giving it as much longer as I can stand.
“Okay.” I finally breathe. “That’s got to be enough time.”
I walk back into the bathroom. Nat stands and I think he would follow me if his bathroom was in any way big enou
gh. Instead, he just hovers at the door. I take one look - both the tests laid so that the result is immediately visible - and I have to clutch for the edge of the shower, a little whimper escaping me inadvertently.
“Oh, hon—”
I look back at Nat, feeling like my eyes are as wide as saucers - and then he does squeeze into the bathroom, pulling me into his arms. I think I see him looking over me at the result, too. I don’t mind about that - I take what he’s offering, clinging to him, half-frozen and numb with shock as he slowly leads me back to his bed. Sometime since I arrived, he obviously cleared it for me.
He sits down next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him, and I can’t find anything at all to say, my mind not working properly.
It shouldn’t be as shocking as it is. I mean, the whole reason I just did this was because I knew it might be possible. I’ve been half-thinking about it all day. But somehow…knowing…it’s just something else.
The sudden knowledge that right now, there’s actually another person growing inside me…a little baby…it’s just…it’s too much.
“Nat.” I whisper, wrapping my arm around him too and shifting closer. “Nat, what…how…I don’t…I can’t…”
“Okay, okay, just breathe. Just…don’t say anything for a few moments. Just breathe, okay?”
It’s possibly the most helpful thing he’s said so far and I just nod, and cling to him, and nod again whenever I start feeling like saying anything. My thoughts feel like they’re racing and totally silent all at once, and I didn’t even know that was possible.
A baby.
A baby!
My baby. Oh God, help me, my baby.
Instinctively, my hands come around my stomach and I close my eyes. God help me, I made a baby. I’ve got a little baby growing inside me and it’s mine and…and I have no idea how to have a baby. I’m not ready. It’s too early. There’s so much else—so much going on—and—and—this wasn’t meant to happen.
“Oh, Nat.” I finally moan, dropping my head into my hands as the words finally come together enough to form sentences. “What am I going to do? I don’t know how to have a baby - I’m not - I’m too young. I haven’t even started my life yet, how can I possibly raise another one? I’m not ready to be a Mom!”
One hand starts stroking my stomach, and I wonder whether there’s any way to feel the life inside me already. I don’t think I can, but…but it’s there. It’s there anyway. And my emotions are going crazy - full of confusion and awe and wonder at the idea of that, on top of the absolute terror that’s overwhelming me right now.
Another life inside me. It’s too much to possibly work out how I feel about it.
“It’s okay. It’s okay, alright, we’ll work it out. It’s—it’s new—and shocking—and well, I don’t have the first idea of what to say or how to help, but—it’s going to be okay.”
I take a deep, ragged breath, trying to believe that. “You think?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course.”
I try to breathe evenly, try to let myself feel reassured by his calm, gentle tone. This is all obviously as much of a shock to him as it is to me, but since he saw that test, the slightly dazed disbelief and confused responses seem to have shifted into something genuinely supportive and helpful.
I’m so lucky to have him.
At least there’s that. At least he’s here. You’re not all alone with this—
“Oh…oh, no.” I moan, the thought suddenly hitting me. “Oh, Nat…my parents are going to kill me. How am I ever going to tell them? How am I going to explain…ohh, please no.”
“Woah, okay, calm down. One step at a time. If we’re going to talk about telling people…don’t you think you should be telling him first?”
“Him?” I blink, but the look on Nat’s face makes it clear, even before he says it.
“You know…the father.”
I swallow, taking a deep, shuddering breath before shrugging. It’s a little hard to say out loud, but the answer there is obvious.
“He’s not going to want anything to do with this, Nat.”
I’m more worried about dealing with the people who will have very active opinions about this, than someone who won’t care.
“You have to find that out first.” Nathan says seriously, shaking his head.
“Well, yeah, but still—”
“I mean it. You need to talk to him.”
I take another breath. How much do I really want to go back to Ash, to admit this has happened, and then have to deal with that inevitable rejection? Don’t I have more important things to worry about right now?
Like my parents. Like raising a baby. Like everything this means.
I mean, Nat is right. I do have to tell Ash at some point. It’s just…I don’t think it’s going to change very much.
“Okay.” I finally sigh. “Okay, yeah, I know that. I just…ahh well, I guess if I’m dealing with that, it’ll delay thinking about telling my parents. For a while at least. I don’t know how I’m ever going to face that. To admit…”
I don’t say it out loud, but I don’t blush about it either. Now that I created an actual baby from it, being embarrassed about the act seems a little silly.
He squeezes my shoulder. “It will be okay, Chloe, I promise.”
“I’m not quite sure how.” I say, my voice quiet.
I’m not sure whether it’s the adrenaline wearing off, or the confusion and simple awareness that this is just too much to process all at once, but the panic feels a little bit more distant now. Maybe it’s just being here with Nathan holding me for a while, but even though I can still sense the terror at the edges of my awareness, I feel a bit calmer. Maybe it’s talking about actually doing things. Telling people. Making plans. I don’t know.
“Chloe…” Nathan says, the hesitancy in his voice making me look up. “So are you…I guess all that means…I guess, you’re keeping it, right?”
I blink, confused for a moment - then I work out what he’s talking about, and almost gasp, my hands coming back to cover my stomach.
“I’m not—I couldn’t—Nathan, I—”
“Okay, okay, that’s what I figured.” He says hurriedly, obviously seeing the horror in my expression. “I just wanted to make sure. Everything you said…telling your parents, how this is all going to work, it all sounded that way, but well…I had to just check.”
He wraps me in his arms again, as I clutch at my stomach.
“I created this baby.” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “I might not have meant to, exactly, but that’s not it’s fault. It’s my responsibility now. It’s not fair to the baby to do anything else—to just—to do that just because—because I haven’t worked it out yet, or because it’s hard. This was my fault, I can’t—I can’t—”
“I know.” He says, his voice turning soothing. “I mean, c’mon, I know you Chloe. I know you couldn’t. But I had to make sure…well, that it was a decision, not just something you didn’t ever think about.”
“I don’t want to think about that.” I say, still feeling stubborn, and a little upset.
I know, all the way through me, that option is never something I could consider. The idea makes goose pimples stand out all across my skin.
“Okay.” He agrees. “Then we won’t.”
I take another deep breath and we sit there, with our arms around each other and our bodies tucked together, my head on his shoulder. We don’t say anything for a long while. I don’t know exactly what he’s thinking, but I don’t need to, either. I’m not sure I’m even thinking at all. Just…being. Just…adjusting. My mind still feels completely blown.
A baby. My baby.
Ash’s baby.
My mind keeps flicking back and forth towards him, skirting around the fact that this baby is as much his as mine. I haven’t quite come to terms with that yet, even though it’s impossible not to think about him now that I know about the baby. He’s not the father I would have chosen - I c
an’t see him wanting to be involved in this at all - and I don’t know what it says about me that that’s who my baby has ended up with.
That’s not the way it’s supposed to be.
We’re meant to be a family.
That thought feels painful.
Love, marriage, then children. That’s how it’s supposed to be. There was a reason God wanted it that way.
For the children’s sake, if nothing else. To give them a proper home.
My child. My baby…
I’m not sure how I’m ever supposed to make it up to my baby that I’ve denied them all that, just because I did this one thing wrong—
I try not to think about it quite like that. It’s hard, but I also know that right now, that’s not helpful. At the end of the day, that’s already happened. I already made those choices. All I can do now is deal with them the best I can.
It doesn’t stop me thinking about Ash, though, about that night together…it felt so special at the time. I guess it had to be, to create something so miraculous. A baby.
A baby. I’m having a baby.
It’s such a crazy thought, so impossible to comprehend.
“I’m not sure how I’m going to find him.” I say eventually, thinking out loud and finally breaking the reflective silence that had sprung up between us.
“Who?” Nathan looks at me, clearly still in his own thoughts. “The father?”
“Yeah. Ash.” I say, repeating the name in case he’s forgotten. It’s been a while, it wouldn’t surprise me. “I guess I could go back to that bar, ask if anyone’s seen him, see whether he turns up…”
“Oh.” Nathan gives me a sidelong glance. “Or…you could just stop by his motorcycle shop.”
“What?” I turn to look at him, blinking. “Wait, you know where he works?”
Nathan just shrugs. “I told you that I asked about him, that time.”
“You didn’t tell me you knew where he worked!”
He gives me a wry smile. “Well, I didn’t think that would be helpful.”
Thinking back to how hung up I was on him for a while there - even after I decided it wasn’t a good idea to look for him again - or, I mean, the way I still think about him right now…I can understand that decision. I’m not sure I would have been able to resist if I’d actually known where he was.