by Lara Swann
“So you say.” He fumes at me, his gaze sharp and impossible to meet. “Considering all the other things you’ve kept from us, how were we to know you weren’t lying about that too? How were we to know anything?”
“I haven’t—” I start, even though I have kept things from them. The urge to defend myself is too strong anyway.
“John.” Mom’s distraught voice interrupts before the argument can really start, and they exchange a glance before she looks back at me, obviously concerned. “You haven’t been acting like yourself lately, Chloe, we were worried about you.
“And it looks like we had reason to be, too.” Dad adds pointedly.
Mom pushes the scan photo closer to me. “Chloe…is this…what is this?”
She asks it for the second time and despite the way Dad always manages to get my back up and make me defensive, I can’t not answer.
I take a deep breath. This isn’t how I wanted to tell them, or how I wanted it to go, but I guess that is my own fault. I shouldn’t have kept it from them for so long - there was always this risk. But I do want them to know, and I tell myself it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The thought of my baby growing inside me and the man who just told me how much he wants us to be a family steadies me, in a way I didn’t think would be possible for this conversation.
I meet their looks with an even one of my own, and finally say the words that have been buried deep within me for so long - but so eager to come out too.
“Yes.” I say, my breath coming out all at once, and there’s even a little smile as I say it, trying to encourage them that this isn’t a disaster. “Yes, I’m pregnant. That’s…that’s my baby.”
There’s a moment of complete silence - and then my Mom buries her head in her hands again as Dad almost flinches back from me.
“Stupid girl.” He mutters, and I feel myself start to get angry even as he looks up and fixes me with his gaze. “What did we tell you? Did you not listen to anything we warned you about? I don’t know how this happened - where we went wrong with you - I thought you knew what was right. I thought we kept you away from all the terrible influences in this world, but somehow you succumbed to temptation anyway and now—”
“This isn’t a bad thing.” I say, already done listening to his contempt, frustrated and angry that he’s somehow turning this moment into all of that. “Why does it have to be? I’m happy about this, Dad. A baby is a miracle - you’ve said that more than once - God’s miracle. So why are you—”
“This isn’t what God intended!” He says, his ire obviously rising as I try to throw that in his face. “God blesses unity between a man and a woman within the sanctity of marriage! Outside of marriage it’s a sacrilege, you know that, and just think what you’re condemning the poor child to - you expect me to be happy that you flouted everything you’ve always believed in, and got yourself pregnant with a child that will never know a real family—”
“That’s not true.” I say, the words coming out with difficulty between the harsh breaths I’m taking. I’m almost too upset to know how to respond. I can’t believe—I can’t accept—how can he be like this?!
“What?” Mom asks, before Dad can start again, her voice slightly muffled through the hands she still has over her mouth, the occasional sob still rocking her.
“We are going to be a real family. I’m not all alone. I’ve got Ash - the father - he wants this baby as much as I do—and—and—”
I don’t finish the thought, even though for once I’m not interrupted. I can’t think how to say ‘he’s perfect’ in a way that doesn’t sound ridiculous. Dad looks totally shocked, and even Mom is looking at me with wide eyes.
It only takes him a moment to recover, though, and he pulls himself up to his full height before the questions come out almost rapid-fire, his gaze narrowed at me.
“You’ve been seeing someone, then, have you? Is that what this is? And you never once mentioned it? Who is this man—why haven’t I heard anything about him?” His brow lowers as he speaks, until it’s almost hanging over his eyes.
“He…I…”
I don’t know how to explain. I don’t quite know what to admit to.
Is it worse to have been hiding a secret boyfriend for months who happened to get you pregnant, or a secret pregnancy that then developed into a boyfriend too?
I’m guessing the latter, but since that’s what actually happened, I don’t know how to answer.
“He’s going to do the right thing by you, then?” Dad continues, apparently not even that interested in giving me a chance to respond. “He’s agreed to marry you?”
The question blows my mind, even though it probably shouldn’t - but we only just agreed to properly date today.
“I—no—I don’t—it’s too soon for any of that—”
“Too soon? Too soon?!” Dad’s eyes almost bulge out of his face. “Don’t you think it’s too soon for a baby, then?!”
I slump slightly against the wall, rubbing my own face with a hand. This isn’t going well. I look over to Mom, imploringly.
“I…okay, the baby was an accident.” I admit. I mean, of course it was, I wouldn’t have intentionally gotten pregnant right now - but that doesn’t mean it’s all bad that I have. “But—”
“That’s what happens when you give into temptation before marriage, Chloe. Accidents happen.”
“Yes, well, it did.” I say, irritated and unwilling to engage in any of the things he wants me to say or feel right now. “But just because it was an accident, doesn’t make it a bad thing. We’re both…we’re both really excited about this. I was—I was hoping you both would be too. It’s…it’s going to be your grandchild too, you know.”
That’s my last-ditch attempt at an emotional appeal - and something that just might provoke a little guilt over how he’s handling this. Anything to make him stop and think about this.
It does make him pause, too, enough that I think maybe I’ve finally gotten through to him. Maybe it’s enough.
Mom looks up at him too, and her voice is emotional as she takes up my appeal. “John…”
He glances down at her, before turning to me again, his face closed up enough that I can’t read anything on it. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not.
“Chloe, you’ll have to forgive me for struggling to be ‘excited’ about something you’ve hidden from us for months, then, or the idea that our daughter is so wildly out of control. What you’ve done goes against every value I have, so to expect us to be happy about all this is…more than a little absurd.”
“I don’t expect all that right away.” I say, in the gap he leaves when he pauses for a breath. There’s a small pang inside me as I briefly remember how Jean reacted as soon as she heard, but I ignore that. I never expected them to be happy about this straightaway. “But I didn’t expect you to attack me like this either - or to talk about my baby, my child, like it’s something that’s wrong. It’s not. It’s a miracle - my miracle - and I love it more than life itself, so—”
I hiccup as I say it, the sob that’s been hovering there finally breaking out of me. I don’t want to break down in front of them, I really don’t, but the way this is going is tearing at me. I don’t know how much more of it I can deal with.
“Heyy…” Mom’s gentle voice comes through, and I wonder whether I’ve convinced her at least, as she stands to come and put her arms around me. I don’t even know whether I want to accept it, but I can’t bring myself to throw her off. “We weren’t saying your baby was something that’s wrong, Chloe…”
She’s trying to reassure me, but that’s exactly what they were saying, and I can’t stand it.
“We’re just worried about you—you even missed church this morning. It’s not like you.” She continues, looking meaningfully over at Dad. “This is all…a huge shock…but we’ll work it out. We’re a family. That’s what we’re here for - we’re going to help you, okay?”
Those are the words that a couple of months ago
, when I first found out, I would have given anything to hear. If I could have gotten to this point with my parents back then, I would have been so grateful. But now…now they don’t even sound real to me.
This isn’t help. I know what help is - it’s what Ash has offered me this whole time - and it doesn’t come with conditions attached, or disapproval, or anything else.
I sniffle, and finally take a step back, shaking my head.
“I don’t need help.” I say, feeling stubborn and hurt and upset. “I—we—we’ve got things worked out. All I wanted w-was for you to support me—”
“Hard to do that when you haven’t even told us about it.” Dad cuts in, folding his arms as his eyes narrow at me again. Whatever disruption Mom had created obviously wasn’t enough.
“I was going to.” I say, and it’s true, even though I know he won’t believe me now. “I—I wanted to work things out for myself a little first, but now—I was going to this week.”
“So you say.” Dad repeats again. “You really think you’ve got this all worked out? Chloe, you don’t know the first thing about having a baby—and if you think you don’t need any help, that tells me all I need to know about how prepared you really are.”
“I’ve got help.” I say, feeling myself getting more wound up with everything he says. “It’s not that I don’t need help - but I’ve got it.”
It might not be entirely true that I don’t need or want any help from them - I’m still counting on his insurance at least - but there’s no way I’m going to admit that after all this. If this is what it’s going to be like, screw any of that. If we have to manage without them, we will. I know that, now that I’ve got Ash with me, supporting me.
“What, you and this morally-questionable young man that we haven’t even met?” Dad says, deliberately scathing. “What’s he like, then? Do tell us more about the man you’ve picked out as someone you want to start a family with - to rely on more than your own flesh and blood.”
I know he’s just looking for things to disapprove of - that he’ll pick apart any attempt I make to tell them how great Ash is - and I get a sudden flash of amusement that he doesn’t realize just how easy that will be.
So instead, I look him straight in the eye and answer almost defiantly.
“He’s a biker with a motorcycle shop over in Baltimore Highlands - really carved something out for himself after growing up around East Madison Street with only his Mom, it’s great to see what he’s doing with it and—”
That’s as far as I get before Dad explodes.
“He—what?!”
I shrug. “Yeah, and he couldn’t be more excited about the baby and all our plans for it.”
“A—what?!” Dad repeats, almost apoplectic. “He grew up where?! Chloe, if this is some stupid game of yours, I’m not—”
“It’s not a game.” I say, holding his gaze. “That’s exactly who the father of my baby is. And I couldn’t be happier.”
“Chloe…” Mom has gone white as she stares at me, and I almost feel a little bit bad, except that I don’t.
If that’s how they’re going to judge people, then they deserve it. After everything that just happened - everything Dad just said - this is exactly what they deserve. I’m not even the slightest bit sorry for not breaking that more gently.
I wanted to tell them about the baby - and about Ash - in a way that could have been at least semi-decent for all of us. Instead…all the things Dad said…
I can’t even let myself think about it. Everything is still too raw and painful.
“Chloe, I don’t know what’s happened to you or how you’ve possibly strayed so far, but it’s clear that all these things you’re doing—all these things we’ve tried to support you with—the art, all this time with friends we haven’t even met—something has gone wrong.” Dad says, his gaze almost on fire as he glares at me. “No more, Chloe. I won’t have any of it. Until we can work all this out—until we can trust you again—you’re not to leave this house. Not for one moment.”
I just stare at him, totally disbelieving. We might not have always gotten on well over the last few years, but he’s never tried that since I was a teenager.
“You want to ground me?” I ask, more stunned than anything else. “Dad, I’m not a kid anymore - I’m an adult—”
“You’re not acting like one—and until you do, I’m not having this—”
My own gaze narrows as something in me finally snaps. I’ve had enough, of all of this. I wanted to give them as much time to adjust to this news as I could - it is a shock, I know that - but this is all too much.
Maybe they’ll adjust better if I’m not here to yell at.
I don’t say anything. I just turn around and walk right out of the house again.
It’s not until I get halfway down the street that I feel the tears burning at the corner of my eyes. I don’t know whether that’s from anger or the deep hurt that I can’t seem to shake, but I swipe at them in frustration.
How could they? How?!
I knew it would be bad, but…every time my mind skips over something Dad said, I almost want to throw up. They don’t deserve this baby - and if that’s how it’s going to be, I’m not going to let them anywhere near it.
I just thank God as I storm down the streets that this time, I have somewhere I can go. I don’t have to go back to that house tonight. If they never apologize, I can stay away forever if I need to.
It’s a unique feeling. I’ve never felt quite so liberated and…independent.
I’ve been able to crash at Nat’s when things got really bad - but I’m not going to lie, that’s cramped and uncomfortable and his place is small enough that I always feel like I’m imposing. I can never bring myself to stay there for more than a night. But now?
Staying with Ash is about the best thing I can imagine anyway. The only reason I wasn’t doing that all the time was because of my parents, and now…now I have nothing to make me go back to them and apologize. Nothing at all.
Except that they’re your parents. Your family. Do you really want to be estranged from them forever?
I push away the thought. It’s a tiny voice, nothing in comparison to the fury and upset inside me. Some part of me knows it will grow again later, when the intensity of the emotions fade away, but right now I don’t care.
Right now, all I can think about is how grateful I am for Ash - and that I finally have somewhere to go.
Chapter Seventeen
Ash
Hours later, I’m still just wandering through the wrecked shop in a listless daze, touching ruined things.
After the intense emotions of earlier, now I just feel numb - too lost and confused to even think about doing anything about this.
There’s a noise at the entrance and I glance over, my gaze slow and almost disinterested. If someone’s come back…well, what is there left to worry about now? There’s nothing left to destroy. It’s just me…and I don’t know whether I might already be destroyed, too.
“Oh my god.”
The shocked gasp is the first thing that makes a dent in my stupor - followed by the words, in that voice. Words that she never says, because of taking the Lord’s name in vain and all that.
Chloe.
That has my head jerking up - even as she rushes over to me.
Chloe’s here. Oh fuck no.
“Oh, Ash.” She says, wrapping her arms around me a squeezing me tightly. It takes me a moment even to remember to lift my arms to circle her in response. “What happened? Are you okay?”
She pulls back to look up at me and I can read the concern on her face, but I can’t answer her. I just shrug. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want her here, but right now…
She looks around, taking in more and more of the devastation, and she shudders against me. It’s enough to get through to me, at least a little bit. I squeeze her tighter, leaning down to breathe in the sweet scent that has always calmed me before.
“Chloe…” I murmur,
skimming my lips across the top of her head.
She shouldn’t be here…but right now, I’m kind of glad she is.
“Ash…I’m so sorry.”
I can see the emotion in her eyes and I try to tell myself to snap out of this - that it’s just a shop. It doesn’t matter. Not nearly as much as her. But the problem is, it’s all wrapped up into the same thing for me. If they can come after my shop, they can come after her and my baby and that means I’m no good for her. I’m not safe. She’s not safe as long as she’s around me.
“Who…why would anyone…” She looks around again, her brow puckering as she obviously tries to piece it together - and that’s the final thing that pulls me out of the numbness.
As much as I want her to stay away and be safe - to find a reason to tell her to go home right now - she can’t know what this was about. She can’t know what’s going on. If she knows about my past…about the things I was involved with…if she knows where this came from…every chance I have of being with her will disappear in a heartbeat. She might have been willing to settle down with a rough, rogue-like biker type - but if she knows the type of club I rode with…
“It’s…a bad neighborhood.” I finally answer, shrugging. “Always a risk.”
She blinks at me, looking about as distraught as I feel, and I know instinctively that she’s not going to question that - the image she has of the rough parts of town seems to be a little…exaggerated. She doesn’t know enough about any of this to ask more.
I don’t like the idea of lying to her, but I also know that it’s for the best for everyone if she doesn’t know anything about this - hell, it’s the reason I don’t talk about certain things with Blake. The less you know, the safer you are.
“But…ohh, Ash.” She sighs again, her brow puckering as she looks around. “I’m so sorry. If we hadn’t gone away—”
“No.” I interrupt immediately, some of the life coming back to me as I lean down and brush my mouth over hers, then deepen the kiss as it finally stirs something inside me awake again. “No, Chloe, I wouldn’t change this weekend for anything in the world.”