by Lara Swann
A gun?!
I didn’t even know Ash had a gun, let alone was carrying it like that. What—how—
“Chloe—Chloe!—” Ash’s voice breaks through some of the haze of shock and disbelief, and my eyes jump to him as he twists and turns and tries to look at me. “It’s not true! I didn’t do anything, I didn’t, I wouldn’t—come see me—please—I’ll explain—I promise—”
The officer grappling with him knees him in the back and he grunts, bending over as he’s wrestled out of the shop. I just stare. I can’t believe any of this is happening. I don’t understand—I can’t process it—
“Ma’am. Ma’am.”
I blink, looking up in a total daze at the officer standing in front of me.
“You can put your hands down now.” He says, his tone far more gentle than the other officer was with Ash. I didn’t even realize I was still holding them up, totally frozen in place. “I’m going to have to take your name and number in case we need to contact you, and then I’ll ask you to leave - this is a crime scene now.”
“I…what? What happened? What’s going on?” The questions finally tumble out, now that I have someone here who might possibly know what’s going on - who can tell me why all this is some crazy mistake and—
“I’m afraid I can’t discuss any of that. It’s an ongoing investigation.”
“Investigation? Investigation into what? Ash isn’t—Ash didn’t—he wouldn’t—”
I’m saying the words, my mind screaming denial over and over again - but my body is tense and confused, and there’s a nausea radiating up through my stomach and turning my whole body weak. I think I might be sick.
“I’m sorry. I can’t say anything more.” The officer says, and there’s a sympathy in his expression that I think I’d rather not see.
I give him my name and number in a daze, taking the card he hands me, and I’m distantly surprised they don’t seem to want anything else from me. Don’t they have questions?
Then again, what do I know? What do I know about Ash - or anything else? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
They usher me out and I see other officers stepping in, sniffer dogs in front of them, and the whole thing makes me shudder as I look back at it - the place I thought I could call home.
I wander slowly away, aimless and with my arms wrapped around myself, barely able to process anything that just happened. Every part of my life that just came crashing down. Everything I ever knew and felt was right. I don’t want to believe it - any of it. I want to rage and curse at the wrongness and unfairness of them coming in and doing that to Ash…but instead, my mind is just a mess of confusion and uncertainty.
There are too many things that make me hesitate - that make me question whether all this really can possibly be a mistake - and I hate that those things even exist. It takes me a long time of walking, staring off into nothing and trying not to think because it’s just too painful, before I remember that I probably shouldn’t be walking down these streets alone. They’re not safe.
At least, that was what Ash said…
Who knows if it’s even true? Or if he wasn’t just…I don’t know…I don’t know why any of this is happening.
I hate that I’m questioning it - questioning him - but I can’t help it. There are too many questions pounding at my head, trying to get in, and everything inside me tells me that things are terribly, terribly wrong.
And that maybe I’ve been the worst kind of idiot this whole time.
If something is too good to be true…it probably isn’t, Chloe. Ash, he…
I bite my lip hard enough I know I’m drawing blood, and I’m vaguely aware there’s a strange whimpering sound coming out of me. The few people that are around give me sidelong glances and stay out of my way, but I barely notice them as I walk. It takes me a long time to realize where I’m heading - but there’s really only one place I can go.
The only place I have left.
Nathan’s.
I don’t know if there will be any answers there - but at least there will be him. The only person I have now.
I walk all the way from the east side of town, and I don’t even notice the long walk. It doesn’t occur to me to try to get a bus or a taxi, and the whole thing passes in a blur until I’m outside his apartment once again.
I ring the buzzer, belatedly hoping he’s in. It’s late, he should be, but you never know with Nat. It never even occurred to me to call ahead to check. Thinking isn’t exactly something I can do right now.
“Hello?” The fuzzy intercom says at me, in Nathan’s voice.
“Hey.” I say quietly, surprised my voice even works. “It’s me…can I…can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure. Are you okay—wait, just come on up, see you in a minute.”
The door buzzes and I push on it, walking slowly up the stairway. When I get to his apartment, the door is already open and he’s standing in it, waiting for me. The moment he sees me, he gasps.
“Shit, Chloe—what happened to you?”
Do I look that bad?
I don’t say anything - I can’t for a long moment - and instead I just step into his embrace and hug him tightly. His build is nothing like Ash’s - lean and wiry instead, and with none of the padding of the biker leathers Ash often wore - but if anything, that’s reassuring. His strong arms come around me, holding me tightly.
“What happened?” He asks again, his voice barely above a whisper.
I shake my head, unable to say anything, and he leads me into the apartment. There’s a kettle boiling and he offers me coffee - and when I shake my head, he chews at one side of his mouth.
“How about lavender tea? That’s calming, right?”
I blink. “Why do you have lavender tea?”
It feels totally inane that that’s the first thing I’ve managed to say to him, but somehow that’s an awful lot easier than anything real right now.
He shrugs. “I’m experimenting. I also have ginger, lemon, and rosemary tea, if any of those appeal.”
“Maybe…maybe lavender.”
He smiles at me, nodding, as I sit on one corner of the bed. His one-room apartment is still a total mess, but at least most of the bed is clear this time.
It’s not until he comes over with my tea and I sit and breathe it in for a while - which is actually something that feels far more sensible than drinking the thing - that I can finally bring myself to say it.
“Ash got arrested.” I say, my voice sounding wooden as I raise my head and meet his eyes.
I’m not crying. I sort of thought I would be, especially with the way my emotions seem totally out of whack with the pregnancy, but something inside me feels stiff and numb. Still too confused to be anything else.
“What? What for?” He asks, his brow drawing down as he sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder.
I glance away. “Drug trafficking…and distribution.
“Shit.”
Yeah. Not some casual bar brawl or anything. That.
I think I might even have accepted a brawl. I mean, I’d rather he didn’t, but when you date a guy like that…I guess it wouldn’t be surprising if a few things happen every now and then.
Not this, though. This…I didn’t expect.
“God, Chloe, I’m sorry.” His voice sounds about as hollowed out as I feel.
I just nod, unable to think of anything more to say, and we sit there for a while - until the questions I’ve pushed aside finally start coming back. It’s the uncertainty that’s so hard - the conflict between not knowing if should be blaming myself for not seeing any of this coming…or jumping up and down yelling in his defense. It feels unfair not to, but…there are so many questions…too many things that line up exactly wrong for that defense to feel natural the way I want it to.
“Nat…” I finally start, taking a deep breath and looking over at him. “You said…all those months ago…that there were reasons I shouldn’t get involved with him. You…never said what they were.”
That’s as much as I can bring myself to say, but the question is obvious. Nathan’s breath huffs out of him as he glances at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Do you…really want to know?”
I squeeze my eyes closed, already knowing from his tone that it’s not going to be good - but I’m not going to delude myself anymore. I’m tired of being kept in the dark, of not knowing.
I might be totally head-over-heels in love with Ash - I might think he’s the most amazing, perfect man I’ve ever met - but…I’m not going to lie to myself. There are too many things that all point in the wrong direction, and I refuse to let all that totally blind me. It takes a good minute, but I finally nod.
“Well…I can’t even say I know much, and it’s all just things I’ve heard—I don’t know for certain—”
“Just tell me, Nat, please.” I interrupt, not able to deal with all the caveats and build up. I just want to know.
“Okay. It’s mostly about the club he’s part of, the Eastern Slayers MC—”
“Used to be a part of.” I correct, and Nat looks over at me. “He left them a year or so ago.”
Nat chews at the side of his cheek, giving me a piercing look. “Yeah. He says he did.”
Oh. Oh, yeah. That…trusting what he said thing.
“I—I guess.” I say, slowly, and he gives me a quiet nod.
“From what I’ve heard…I think he’s still involved with them, Chloe, if I’m honest. I mean, they bought his shop for him, I doubt that’s the kind of thing you forget—”
“They did what?” I stare at him, and he winces, but he nods.
“That’s…that’s what I heard.”
“But…but how…why…”
Nat shrugs, his voice gentling. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, Chloe, and as I say, this is all just stuff I heard from hanging around there and talking to my ex—”
“No.” I say, and my voice gets firmer as I realize the depth of things I never knew - that even my best friend did. “No, I want to know. Tell me. Tell me everything.”
He sighs, seeming reluctant, but continues anyway. “Okay then, well, yes. I think he used to do drug runs for them - tango with other clubs, redirect supply lines, things like that - and the better you are at that shit, the bigger the payoff, right? I think something big came in - and it was enough for the shop. So he started doing that instead - less dangerous, right? Or it should be, anyway. But…well…everyone knows that shop is linked to the Slayers - just like he is.”
Everyone knows.
The more Nat talks, the more I feel like a complete idiot. How could I have not known? Have never even guessed?
“I just—I don’t think—I can’t see Ash doing any of that, Nathan. Running drugs, from the shop? That shop is his baby and he never—he never—”
But he has been acting awfully suspiciously. Distant and withdrawn. Not telling me anything about what’s been going on.
Nathan shrugs. “Maybe he isn’t. I mean, a set up like that, you don’t need to actually do anything, right? Just look the other way when some guys come in with a few boxed up crates - then again when some others come and take them away.”
Nausea rattles through me as Nathan describes it. I’ve never even thought about any of this stuff. I have no idea how a drug operation works, or what happens, or any hints or clues of it. Really, when it comes to it, he could have been doing things the whole time and I might never have noticed. It just…wouldn’t have occurred to me.
It shouldn’t. That’s not part of my life. And it shouldn’t be. It’s not right.
“Oh God…” I mutter, my face dropping down into my hands as it hits me - as everything that’s seemed slightly wrong flashes through my mind again and again.
How am I to know what Ash was doing?
I don’t want to believe it of him - I really don’t - but…how do I know?
What do I know about drug dealers or criminals or…or anything. Ash always seemed dangerous to me, but in the hot-sexy-appealing kind of way.
You’re an idiot. An idiot and a fool.
Nathan’s hand squeezes my shoulder and I don’t like the sympathy coming off him either. Is that how everyone sees me? As some naive fool, too innocent to know better?
Is that how Ash sees me? As someone who wouldn’t suspect…would never know…
I hate it. I hate the thoughts running through my head. They don’t fit the Ash I know at all. They don’t. But maybe the man I know isn’t real - maybe he’s a lie, just like everything else.
“Nathan…” I groan, looking up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t…why…”
“After you got pregnant?” Nathan asks, looking pained. “What was I supposed to say? This is all just hearsay and rumor, Chloe, it might not even be true…and I thought maybe if it was once, it might not be anymore…you were so happy…”
That’s when the tears really do start falling, as those words bring it all back to me.
I was so happy. I was. Everything…everything was perfect. Ash was there in all the right ways, did and said all the right things…
How can it all be a lie?
Nathan hugs me close. “I’m sorry, Chloe, really, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head, unable to reply, lost in the misery of everything I believed shattering around me.
“Stay here tonight - as long as you want.” Nathan says.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I moan, and he shakes his head.
“You don’t have to. Not right now. Not yet.”
I close my eyes, curling up in a ball on his bed, and he hugs me tightly to him. It’s reassuring having him wrapped around me like that - but it reminds me of Ash too and despite everything, I can’t help longing for him, craving him, like some he’s some kind of dangerous addiction and I don’t know what’s good for me.
That’s exactly how it is. How it’s been all this time.
It takes me a long time to get to sleep that night, the feeling of being so completely betrayed going around and around in my mind - in one moment angry, then devastated, then sad and self-loathing - all of it too much to deal with.
I have so many questions, things I can’t get out of my head…most of them why. Why and how.
How could he do this to me? How could he lie to my face, again and again? Why didn’t he tell me what was going on? Who he was? What he was doing?
They’re unending and incessant and I want to yell and rage at him, and break down and cry and have him hold me.
Yeah. I’m totally screwed up. And he’s the one that did it to me.
It gets to the point that I think that’s the worst thing: the lies. The broken trust. The drugs are horrific and all, but they feel almost distant and removed. I don’t know anything about drugs - but I can see Ash’s face so vividly in my mind, all those times he could have said something and didn’t.
The worst part is thinking about everything Dad said - everything he told me about guys like Ash, all those stupid prejudices - and the slow realization that he might have been right all along. And that maybe I was the stupid, naive girl he thought I was.
I bury my face in Nathan’s spare pillow, and it’s not until I finally settle on the thing that’s been running around and around in my mind that I finally manage to drift off to sleep.
Tomorrow, I have to go see Ash.
However hard that is. Whatever he’s done, whoever he really is, I need to see it. I need to ask my questions. I need to know what happened and just how my life fell apart in a few, short hours.
* * *
I step into the detention center nervously, looking around and feeling totally out of place.
I looked up as much as I could about it, worked out when they’d accept visitors and all of that, but still - I’ve never been anywhere like this before. Nowhere even close. I’m not going to lie, I’m scared, and I can’t help the way my hands hover over my stomach in my now-instinctive protective gesture
.
It takes what feels like forever for them to approve and verify me, but eventually - not long before visiting hours are up - they let me into the room to see Ash. I’m led to a chair behind a desk running the length of the room, with a glass pane rising from the middle of it. There’s a similar chair on the other side, and a couple of panels separating me from the people to my right and left, but I can still hear what they’re saying - and if I lean back a bit, I can see them too. I don’t do that. The last thing I want to see is the kind of people that might visit - or be in - a place like this.
Like you. Like Ash.
The reminder is hot and hard within me, but I try to push it down. Since last night, I’ve managed to get a slightly better grip on my emotions, but it’s still hard. Some of them rise up without any notice, taking me by surprise and knocking me sideways - but right now, here, all I can feel is determination as I wait for them to bring Ash to me.
I want to know what’s going on. I want to look Ash in the eye and see what he says.
After I’ve done that…I’ll deal with everything else. Even if I have no idea how.
It takes a few minutes, and I start worrying that we won’t have enough time to talk - but then again, maybe this conversation won’t take long at all. When they finally bring him over, I can’t help it - even in a bright orange jumpsuit, I feel my heart go into palpitations, the longing so hard to ignore as I see his beautiful face, the way he moves, the strength and presence—
Stop it. Just stop it.
I try to reconcile what I see in front of me to what I now know - or suspect - about him and it’s just impossible. Sure, he doesn’t look much like the charming rogue I fell in love with right now - his expression is tight, his features drawn and the tension in him obvious - but…no matter how hard I try, I can’t see a hardened criminal either.
His face lights up the moment he sees me - and that’s even harder to take - the way the spark suddenly comes back into his eyes, the relief and warmth that fills his face.
How? How could he do those things—how could he lie—when all that seems so real?
It seems to take an inordinately long time for the prison officers to organize themselves, with Ash and I just looking at each other - me trying to keep my face as unreadable as possible, but doubting very much that I’m doing a good job of that - but then, finally, we lift up the phones attached to the separation panels.