Everything on the desk—papers, ledgers, geegaws, pencil pots, telephone, Rolodex—has been sent flying to the walls and floor. He lies there now, in an eye-of-the-hurricane silence as profound as the express train hullabaloo of a moment ago, staring at:
The nattily dressed man is NINO LANCASTER. He is David Niven forty years ago. He is smooth, sleek, impeccable, cultured, self-possessed, urbane, quiet, powerful, slim and tailored. His fingers are manicured. His eyes are chill. Early 40s, six feet tall, pale and silky, his pants automatically take on a razor-sharp crease when he puts them on.
The gorgeous woman in her 30s is HAZEL HORNE. She is Nino's bookkeeper, accountant, attorney and paramour. She is what is meant by the concept class. Men would crawl through broken glass for her, but unless they had a Master's degree, she wouldn't even see them. She and Nino are intelligent and elite. She is also unafraid of the juggernaut. She looks down at Arky as though from Mt. Olympus. Her outrageous beauty is only heightened by the bemusement and intelligence in her face.
The other two men are pistoleros, enforcers. They are apemen. Each one could pick up a pair of NFL linebackers and carry them like shopping bags. The one is black, the other is white. Nino has dressed them to give the appearance of their being homo sapiens, but the suits fit GUS and BORK awkwardly, as if the thugs are not used to standing erect. We are talking human Land Rovers here.
They stand amid the rubble, looking down at Arky Lochner folded across Nino's desk. Arky is panting, crying, twitchy and hysterical, babbling:
Arky
(babbling)
Ya gotta help me, ya gotta save me, my life's in yer hands, it's gonna turn me into a bug, a thing what crawls, an' then he's gonna eat me, no, he's gonna give me to his wife, this snake lady, and she's gonna eat me, so youse had better help me, 'cause if ya don't it'll be all over fer me...
This preceding dialogue by Arky should be so run-on, so wild and babbling, that the actor will be half-ad libbing it. He seems determined to gibber forever. Hazel takes one step toward him and in a fluid motion pincers his lips between thumb and forefinger, shutting him up. In the beat of silence, one of the simian pistoleros speaks gutterally.
BORK
(dumbly)
You want I should twist off his head, Mr. Lancaster, sir?
14 - FAVORING NINO
Lancaster shakes his head slightly, very cool and reserved. Hazel lets go of Arky's lips, wipes her fingers on his hat-brim. Arky is silent, but trembling, imploringly.
NINO
(urbanely, softly)
I perceive that you must be seriously deranged to burst in here unannounced, Arky, with half my boys looking for you.
His voice is sweet, but deadly, like a box of poisoned chocolates.
NINO (CONT'D)
That is, unless you have secreted somewhere on your scrofulous body the $165,000, including today's interest at 7 50%, that you have owed me for three months, three weeks and four days.
ARKY
(hysterical)
Y'gotta perteck me, Mr. Lancaster!
BORK
(like a child)
I could do that, I could twist off his head fer ya, Mr. Lancaster, sir.
HAZEL
(cool)
Sit, Bork.
Bork sits. Hazel lifts Arky from the desk, dusts him very maternally.
HAZEL (CONT'D.)
(to Nino)
Nino, before we have Gus and Bork reduce him to his component parts for shipment, would you be interested in hearing his tale of woe?
Nino sits down behind the desk. He stares at Arky with cool detachment.
NINO
Calmly now, Arky. Tell us what seems to have unhinged you.
(to Hazel)
I think he can stand on his own now, Hazel.
She releases Arky, steps back, watching with bemusement. Arky wets his lips, looks around trying to get oriented, realizes he's in trouble even here, but squeaks out a recitation.
ARKY
(fast but clear)
The hundred sixty-five Gs I got loaned from you, Nino... I,, uh, er, I needed it 'cause I made this, uh, kinda deal with a, er, a demon, this big thing wit' teeth calls hisself Volkerps...
Bork and Gus explode with laughter. Nino gives them a hard look. They fall silent.
NINO
(quietly)
A demon? A supernatural being?
ARKY
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got it! A creature of stygian darkness; a denizen of the nether reaches; a monster from some nameless plane of witchcraft and horror. Yeah, you got it.
HAZEL
Bork, twist his head off.
Bork rises, Arky screams, Nino makes a casual stop motion with his hand. Bork pauses. Hazel smiles evilly.
15 - ANOTHER ANGLE - FAVORING ARKY
ARKY
(for his life)
I ain't makin' it up, Mr. Lancaster. Honest ta viggerish, I ain't makin' this up. The thing's after me! It was right outside inna alley.
NINO
Go on.
ARKY
We made this deal, me an' this Volkerps. He gives me all the winners at Santa Anita, Pimlico, Aqueduct, Hawthorne, Liberty Bell and Maywood, all the same day...
HAZEL
In exchange for...?
ARKY
First refusal option on 51% of my Immortal Soul.
HAZEL
Things must be worse in Hell than we know. Your soul's got to be pretty grungy and soiled, kid.
ARKY
(offhand)
He said good help was hard to come by; mentioned doing windows and floors, whadda I know.
NINO
Then you'd be able to pay me back in full, including the crippling interest; and you'd finally manage to extricate yourself from the nasty, brutish life that distinguishes you.
ARKY
Yeah, yeah, that's how I supposed it'd be. Yeah, sure...an' pigs'll fly.
(beat)
He gimme the winners all right. Sure, he did that! Twenty, thirty, forty-two of 'em. An' I bet 'em all; an' they won, each and every one of 'em.
(beat, cries)
Except a few had strokes an' died as they crossed the finish line, an' a bunch got disqualified 'cause they was fulla dope, an' eleven of 'em got scratched for bumpin' in the stretch... and on and on like that. Every one of 'em came in first...an' I lost every cent I got from you, Mr. Lancaster, an' that's why I been duckin' your collectors ... an' this Volkerps is gonna come and take me away and eat me in a week if you don't perteck me!
16 - 2-SHOT - NINO & HAZEL
NINO
And why should I bother, even allowing that this fantasy has a basis in fact?
HAZEL
One hundred and sixty-five thousand dollars, plus the vig for four months including next week.
NINO
(to Arky)
Ms. Horne is my accountant, Arky. She makes a strong case for your continued existence, despite its truly outstanding wretchedness.
ARKY
Then you believe me!
NINO
I believe that I believe you believe it.
(beat)
I'm intrigued. Had you fabricated a tale of flying saucers and little purple aliens, or of burning bushes with Messianic messages, I could not be more intrigued.
(beat)
As the most powerful underworld figure in this great metropolis, I have managed to make cohesive sense of the rackets. Now I grow bored. Ennui fills my days' and nights...
(smiles at Hazel)
...save for the joys of my association with Ms. Horne, of course.
HAZEL
(beams)
You little dickens, you.
NINO
(resumes)
You've bought yourself a momentary reprieve through dint of sheer imagination, Arky. I won't have Gus and Bork dissect you. Nay, I shall assist you.
(beat)
Already I feel heroic.
HAZEL
Fiscally speaking, Nino, I co
mmend your decision. But operationally. . . ?
17 - ANOTHER ANGLE
Nino rises, begins pacing the tiny office. He stops and turns to the still trembling (but bravely smiling) Arky.
NINO
How did you even go about locating a demon in these conservative climes?
ARKY
There's this, uh, er, woman I heard about, supposed to have strong in with the netherworld. I visited her a couple of times. She set it up. I think she gets a commission.
NINO
I suggest we pay her a visit.
(beat)
Gus, the car, if you please.
Gus goes, and Nino turns to Hazel. She comes to him, he kisses her in the most husbandly fashion, politely and quickly.
HAZEL
Try to hurry, dear. We have dinner with the Mayor tonight.
Nino smiles, takes Arky by the arm, and they go as we :
DISSOLVE TO:
18 - INT. SHOPPING MALL - ESTABLISHING
A large urban mall, with the usual video rental shops, high end clothing stores filled with yuppie goods, fast food stalls, cosmetics emporia, electronic games shoppes, department store annex, the usual. CAMERA ESTABLISHES then comes in rapidly on the ABSOLUTELY ABRAXAS T-SHIRT SHOPPE, a mall store that is clearly a head shop and t-shirt emporium; as Nino, Gus and Arky enter.
19 - INT. ABRAXAS SHOPPE - FULL SHOT
As Gus takes the two browsing customers by the arm, and with his simian bulk chivvies them to the door, and ejects them. He turns a card hanging on the front door to read CLOSED, and then stands with his back to the door, arms folded, as Arky and Nino proceed into the small shop.
A woman in her late 40s, chewing gum, more than passingly plump, wearing her hair in a technicolor coiffure with a thick clump pulled up at a 45 degree ponytail at the side, wearing a Garfield t-shirt (or similar "cute" item), comes toward them. This is CASSANDRA FISHBEIN, and she is clearly a refugee from the Sixties. Her tie-dyed billowy skirt says so. She isn't happy about their behavior.
20 - WITH CASSANDRA
As she storms toward them in a medium-high dudgeon.
CASSANDRA
Hey, dude, what's the damn idea?
NINO
(suave)
You are the impressive Cassandra Fishbein, adept trafficker in the noxious black arts?
CASSANDRA
T-shirts. I sell t-shirts and equipment for the exotic smoker.
NINO
Ms. Fishbein, my name is Nino Lancaster. I'm a business associate of Mr. Lochner here. He advises me you served as go-between, amanuensis, amicus curiae for him and a...er... personage named Volkerps.
CASSANDRA
I'm callin' a cop.
NINO
Probably not. Very likely in my employ, in any case.
(beat)
I ask your assistance voluntarily. Or perhaps I could ask my employee...
(nods toward the giant, Gus)
...Mr. Chaucer, to drop you into the atrium of this excellent mall.
CASSANDRA
Hey, who the hell are you? I'm just a poor woman tryin' to make a honest buck in a world of yuppies hot for Adidas and VCRs.
NINO
(equally distraught)
Say no more, dear lady. I, too, a humble merchant who each day takes his place in the marketplace and suffers the vicissitudes of a debased clientele. I understand your predicament.
CASSANDRA
Then you'll unnerstand why, for the good of business, I urge you to piss off.
NINO
Ah yes. Business.
(beat)
Have you ever considered the range of unexpected tragedies that could befall an unwary shopkeeper whose insurance premiums, no matter how exorbitant, would not begin to cover the mysterious spraying of DDT all over her goods, or the inconvenience resulting from perhaps all of a sudden the truckers who schlep said wares from the distributors decide they've lost the bills of lading and said goods wind up in Beirut, or the constituted authorities suddenly get it into their vengeful heads to toss the businesswoman's apartment for illegal and noxious substances which would, I'm sure, result in said authorities discovering nickel bags of such vegetation and powders stuck down in the pillows of a sofa?
(beat)
Pardon my complex syntax, but I imagine you get my drift.
CASSANDRA
(back pedals)
Okay, okay, get off my case!
(beat, scared)
Yeah, I set it up for this guy. But I'm just a sort of clearinghouse for a select few demons and soul-traders of a very high quality.
(beat)
There's this quota of souls they have to make each year, just to stay in good with the boss; and I'm just sort of a canvasser, a scout, to steer the likely prospects.
NINO
Excellent.
(beat, as he takes out money)
Here. This will provide the fiduciary impetus for you to set up a meeting with Mr. Volkerps. For us.
CASSANDRA
(horrified)
When?
NINO
Now.
CASSANDRA
(more horrified)
Where?
NINO
Here.
Cassandra is now blithering. Her eyeballs seem to want to jump out of her head.
CASSANDRA
You're outta your mind! I can't do that! This Volkerps has a very ugly personality. It'd think I'd turned him.
NINO
(over his shoulder)
Mr. Chaucer, would you like another arm for your collection?
Gus starts toward Cassandra. She yowls and makes a stopping motion with her hands against the air.
CASSANDRA
I'll lose my deal with him and the whole netherworld...you trying to get me snuffed?
NINO
Have you ever considered how cold and uncomfortable it is being hung upside-down on a meat hook in a freezer?
CASSANDRA
You sure you're not related to this demon?
Nino smiles and pats her cheek as we:
DISSOLVE TO:
21 - SAME SCENE - LATER - FULL SHOT
Blinds have been pulled across the front of the shop. A pentagram has been drawn on the floor in blue chalk, and candles have been lit. Cassandra stands, safely protected from demons, in the center of the design, as the other three hug the walls.
CASSANDRA
(chants)
By all the mages of Solomon's court, by the three-eyed moon of Ashtaroth...I call on thee, Volkerps, to come forth!
The cloud begins to form, the lightning and thunder begin to flash and roll, and Volkerps appears as he did in scene 2. He takes one look at Cassandra, and the others, and roars.
VOLKERPS
(filter FX)
I smell betrayal!
CASSANDRA
No, honest to—
VOLKERPS
(filter FX interrupts quickly)
Don't say it, don't invoke; if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, don't invoke!
CASSANDRA
They made me call you! Get'm, do it oh mighty Volkerps, waste them!
Volkerps muses for a devilish moment, closing two of his three blazing green eyes. He sighs, as if having come to a conclusion, and opens his eyes. There is a cunning expression on his awful face.
VOLKERPS
(to Cassandra)
Ah...yes...just so, my dear and loyal Cassandra. I shrive myself for even doubting your ever-loyalty an instant. Shrive, I tell you! Shrive!
(beat)
And you have deliciously surpassed your previous best efforts! These are indeed three diseased souls ripe with corrupt intent.
Cassandra preens, almost kittenish with pleasure at the compliments. She blows him kisses.
CASSANDRA
You are such a mensch to work for.
VOLKERPS
(jubilantly)
The threshold of Hell Itself will resonate with a fearful threnody at the arrival
of these three, my dear Cassandra. But...
(beat)
Come stand close beside me, so you won't risk fractures and bodily harm from flying shards of bone or projectile heart muscle when I zap them.
His smile is so unctuous, and his gesture so smoothly compelling, that Cassandra steps across the blue chalk line of the protective pentacle.
21A - CLOSEUP - RAPID INTERCUT
On CASSANDRA'S open-toed sandaled FOOT as it steps across the runic blue chalk line.
CUT BACK TO:
21B - SAME AS 21 - A MOMENT LATER
CASSANDRA
(coming closer)
Here I am, honey. Now whack'em good!
VOLKERPS
First things first. The little rat-human...(points a claw at Arky)...he has a week...
Slippage: Previously Uncollected, Precariously Poised Stories Page 6