When silence fell, the air felt heavier. I knew it was over.
Chapter 17
That night Shawn and Ryder buried the body together while I waited in the house. I sat on the sofa resting my elbows on my knees while Abby sang to Logan.
When she finished, he spoke softly to her. He was improving rapidly.
I sat there unintentionally eavesdropping on their conversation. Abby wanted Logan to try to stand up, but he didn’t feel ready.
She asked several more times before everything inside the room became quiet. I tried not to think about what was going on in the room, but the silence made it too hard. If I didn’t focus on something, my mind would drift off to what Shawn and Ryder were doing outside.
I stood up and marched up the stairs. My steps softened as I reached the top. I drew in a deep breath as I stood in the doorway watching Charlie’s slow breathing.
She hadn’t eaten in days, and she probably hadn’t had much water either. I don’t think she’d even opened her eyes since Shawn and I had gotten back from our failed quest to find medicine.
“Oh, Charlie,” I whispered as I pressed my hand to my heart. I wished there was something I could do to make it all go away. Charlie had been awful to me, but she hadn’t deserved this.
I walked into the room and sat down on the bed next to her. A cold chill ran down my spine when I took her chilly hand into mine.
The house was hot and humid, even in the middle of the night, but Charlie was cold. I didn’t know if Ryder was aware of the drop in her body temperature. Maybe it had only happened recently because he hadn’t told us about it.
I tucked the blankets around her tighter and tried to decide if I should go out into the night to tell Ryder. They’d both told me to stay put, no matter what, but I wasn’t sure if that included things that had to do with Charlie.
I’d give it a few more minutes before I’d worry about informing Ryder. Maybe she just needed another blanket.
I ran down the stairs and pulled the blanket off of the bed I’d been using some nights. It wasn’t like I was going to need it in the heat.
I doubled it up and spread it out on top of her. Her cheeks were sunken in so deeply I could have poured water into them, and it wouldn’t have run down her face.
“Charlie, if you have any fight left in you, now is the time. Ryder needs you. I barely recognize him,” I said looking down at her middle as if I couldn’t stand to look at her face any longer. “Logan too. He’s getting better. We all miss you, Charlie. Please, please come back to us.”
The floorboards near the doorway squeaked, and I gasped as I jumped away from Charlie. Ryder was standing there with dirt smudged on his cheek.
“Do you know how many times I’ve begged her to come back?” Ryder said with a hard sniff. “I don’t… I’ve lost count.”
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could manage to say.
Ryder walked into the room. He moved slowly and sat down on the edge of the bed. His shoulders rounded forward when he sighed.
“It’s only a matter of time,” Ryder said keeping his voice low as if he was afraid Charlie might hear him.
“I brought her another blanket,” I said, and Ryder turned so I could see his profile. “She’s ice cold.”
“Thanks,” Ryder said as he stood up and moved closer to Charlie. It looked as though he was looking at her for the first time in days. He wiped at the corner of his eye. “Shit.”
He picked up her hand and tucked it between his. His lips parted, and he sniffed as he turned to look at me with his reddened eyes.
Ryder opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He shook his head as tears dripped down his cheeks.
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. Seeing Charlie in her condition was tearing him apart.
I wanted to tell him everything would be OK but I couldn’t. Ryder pressed his face down against my shoulder, and his body shook several times before he stiffened.
He swallowed hard and pulled himself away from me. Ryder tightened his fist and roared as he threw it into the wall.
“God dammit!” he shouted as he pulled his hand out of the wall and shook it.
Ryder didn’t seem to notice the blood oozing out of his red knuckles. Even if he had, he probably wouldn’t have cared.
“I tried so fucking hard to take care of her every day of my life. Am I being punished?” Ryder asked the ceiling.
“No, you’re not being punished,” I said softly. I was afraid my words would only upset him further. “Do you think I was being punished when I lost my parents? I wasn’t.”
“But you didn’t do shit wrong. I’ve done terrible things.”
I grabbed his hand and studied the cut he’d gotten from the drywall. It wasn’t very deep and had almost stopped bleeding already.
“You aren’t being punished. We just live in a world where shitty things happen all the time.”
“Everything OK?” Shawn asked as he softly knocked on the wall outside Charlie’s room.
I dropped Ryder’s hand, mostly because Shawn had startled me, but I didn’t miss Shawn watching Ryder’s hand as it fell to his side.
“Yeah,” Ryder said looking down at Charlie, and then at his knuckles.
“I heard a noise, and wanted to…,” Shawn trailed off, his eyes landing on the hole in the wall just behind where Ryder was standing. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” Ryder said wincing as he shoved his hand into his pocket, his eyes shifting back down to watch Charlie’s slow breathing.
I turned to her too. It almost seemed as each breath was even more spaced out than when I’d first came into the room.
“How’s she doing?” Shawn asked.
“It won’t be much longer now,” Ryder said.
I turned and looked up at him. He met my eyes and swallowed hard.
“This isn’t the first person I’ve seen die.” He drew in a deep breath. “It’s just the first person that has really mattered to me that I’ve seen die.”
“I’m really sorry,” Shawn said taking a step into the room. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No.” Ryder shook his head.
Shawn cleared his throat. “I meant for you.”
Ryder turned and locked eyes with Shawn. He stared at him for a long moment before looking down at the ground.
“Nothing, but I appreciate that,” Ryder said his voice cracking ever so slightly.
We all stood there staring at Charlie, none of us knowing what to say. Her chest rose just a bit and paused before the air slowly escaped from her slightly parted lips.
“I should probably get some—”
Ryder stopped talking. His eyes widened and focused in on Charlie. It was almost as if he sensed something was different.
I watched Charlie waiting for her to draw in her next weak breath, but it didn’t come. Ryder’s breathing quickened as if he was trying to breathe for her.
“Charlie?” Ryder said softly. Of course, she didn’t answer. He grabbed her arm and shook it. “Charlie!”
Her whole body seemed to move with his shaking. She was totally limp. Ryder dropped to his knees as he pressed her hand to his mouth.
“Charlie, no, no, no, no,” he said resting his forehead down against the bed.
I lightly rested two fingers on her wrist trying to feel for her pulse, but I hadn’t needed to. I’d seen the life leave my parents, I knew she was gone.
Chapter 18
Abby had helped Logan into the living room. His eyes were red and puffy.
Logan had wanted to make it upstairs to say his goodbye to Charlie, but he hadn’t been able to make it across the living room. Shawn and Ryder were carrying Charlie down the stairs wrapped in one of the blankets.
They carried her down with ease. She looked so small with the blanket around her.
My cheeks were raw from wiping away my tears. The skin stung every time a new tear dripped down my face.
“Wait,” Logan said as they stepped t
oward the door.
“Are you sure?” Abby said with her arm around his shoulder.
“Yes,” he said pushing himself to his feet. It took him a moment to steady himself, but once he started walking, it seemed to become easier for him.
Logan placed his hand on Ryder’s shoulder, and Ryder lowered his head.
“It’s not… she didn’t…,” Logan words faded as his shoulders bobbed up and down with his sobbing.
Watching the pain they were going through stabbed at my heart like a dull blade. I gasped sharply as I tried to hold back my emotions but everything flooded out of me bringing with it all the memories of losing my parents.
I walked forward and then took three steps back. It felt like I was trapped in a nightmare and I didn’t know which way to go to find the exit.
Shawn met my eyes for a second, but I couldn’t hold it together. I shook my head as I walked backward into the hall, turning to run into the bedroom I had been using as my own.
I paced back and forth several times before flopping face first onto the bed. My arms covered my head as if that would somehow make everything go away. It didn’t. If anything, I think it made everything resurface even quicker.
Charlie’s face flashed in my mind, and she was quickly joined by Eli. They were both smiling as they stepped aside to reveal my parents.
The more I cried, the more distant their images became, so I didn’t try to stop the tears. When the front door closed, I pushed myself up and got out of the bed. It wasn’t fair to Logan and Ryder for me to be taking it as hard as I was. Maybe they’d understand the feelings it brought up, but I had to push it all away. I had to do whatever I could to be there for them.
To them, it had felt as though they’d lost a sister. Dealing with death never got any easier, and sadly it seemed to be happening more often.
It really was a shitty world we lived in. Was there any point to keep going until the next one of us was taken? Did any of us even have any kind of decent future waiting for us?
I walked over to the window and watched Ryder and Shawn as they placed Charlie down near the house. Ryder grabbed the shovel away from Shawn and rammed it into the dirt, pushing it in deeper with the bottom of his boot.
He tossed the mud to the side but he didn’t dig the hole deeper, he dropped the shovel, and fell to his knees. Shawn picked up the shovel and continued working where Ryder had left off.
I sucked in a deep breath that squeezed my chest. I closed my eyes and exhaled before turning to go help Shawn.
Ryder sat on the steps while Shawn and I took turns digging. After the hopefully deep enough grave was finished, Ryder stood there with his hands folded in front of him, and his head bowed as Shawn, and I lowered Charlie’s body into the grave.
He mumbled something before sniffing and turning to go back inside the house. At least it was much easier to fill the grave than it had been to dig it.
Once we got back inside, Logan, Abby, and Ryder were sitting in the living room silently. Shawn and I stood there as if we didn’t know what to do.
“Should I… make some rice?” Shawn asked cautiously.
There was a long pause before Ryder stood up. His fists were clenched tightly at his sides.
“What for?” Ryder said his lips curling into a smile that had absolutely no happiness behind it. “It’s just a matter of time before we all die. Why should we prolong the inevitable?”
“Um,” Shawn stammered and turned to me.
I shrugged, but when Ryder looked at me with sadness pouring out of his eyes, I found my words. “For Charlie. She wouldn’t want you to give up.”
“Says who?” Ryder chuckled. “She’d probably be happy to have me in the afterlife with her.”
I swallowed hard. Knowing Charlie, that could be a distinct possibility, but I couldn’t let Ryder know that I thought so too.
“She would want you to keep fighting. She’d want to see you succeed. To fight for everything we’ve been looking for,” I said, and Logan nodded.
“Emery’s right,” Logan said, and Abby squeezed his hand.
“We’re not going to find anything. I know it, and you know it. We all know it. This is all we have to look forward to,” Ryder said turning his back to us. “A life of roaming around trying to find food, water, and shelter while trying to avoid The Evolved and the natives.”
Ryder hesitated.
“Is this the life you guys want? I mean really? Is it?” Ryder asked.
Shawn was the first to answer. “I prefer this to the alternative. There’s a chance things will work out.”
“So optimistic,” Ryder said with a chuckle. “You were at death’s door yourself and now look at you.”
“I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean, but maybe it’s because I was at death’s door, that I know I don’t want to go back. It’s not time for us to pay him a visit,” Shawn said gesturing at all of us.
Abby stood up and cross her arms. “I’d like to think that there is some reason you guys saved me. A reason that I’m still alive.”
Ryder looked down at his feet. I could tell he was searching for the words to argue with Abby’s comment, but that he also didn’t want to say anything that would hurt her.
“Then again,” Logan said picking at his fingernails. “It’s not fair that I survived and she didn’t. We both ate the same stuff. Why was I spared?”
“Maybe there’s a reason you were,” Abby said, her eyes filled with hope. “Your work here isn’t finished.”
“There’s no such thing. Your body is alive until it isn’t. There isn’t a higher power at work here,” Ryder said.
Abby frowned. “Believe what you want I suppose, but I think there has to be a reason.”
“I never thought anything would happen,” Logan said covering his cracking voice with a cough. “It looked fine. It smelled fine. We were just so hungry. I’m so sorry Ryder.”
Ryder didn’t say anything. He ground his teeth together and looked at me.
“I just can’t do it,” Ryder said, and his eyes darted down to my hip. He moved fast and grabbed my gun before I’d even realized what he was doing.
He turned it back and forth in his hand. Shawn took a careful step forward.
“Ryder,” Shawn said holding out his hands. “Give me the gun.”
“Shhh!” Ryder shouted rubbing his hand in his hair vigorously. I could see in his neck and by the way he stood that every muscle in his body was tensed. “Let me think.”
“There’s nothing to think about,” I said unable to hide the anger from my eyes. I’d been annoyed and pissed off, not to mention slightly embarrassed, he’d disarmed me so easily. “It’s my gun, and I want it back.”
Ryder turned and faced us all. He shook his head and released a laugh that chilled my bones.
“If I want to be done with all of this, that’s my choice. Just let me go,” Ryder said through his teeth.
“It’s my gun. My bullet. Do you even know how to use it?” I said taking another step closer.
He pressed the barrel against the side of his head, and I froze. I couldn’t even open my mouth to say something that might stop him. Even if I had, I didn’t think he would have heard me. Ryder was right here with us, but at the same time, he was lost… so very lost.
I heard the chair creak behind me, and in seconds Logan was standing next to me staring into Ryder’s eyes. It looked as though he was searching for something.
“Ryder… this isn’t you,” Logan said holding out his hand. “Give me the gun.”
“I won’t,” Ryder said pressing the gun harder to his skull.
“You have to stop this,” Logan said putting all of his strength into his voice. “You can’t leave me behind. First Eli, now Charlie, I can’t lose you too. Please.”
Ryder blinked and bared his teeth. His eyes widened, and I saw his finger twitch ever so slightly, but then his hand relaxed. His hand fell to his side as if the gun weighed thirty pounds.
I took three qui
ck steps forward and snatched it out of his hand. Shawn wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me back toward the hallway.
Ryder sat down on the sofa and rested his face on his palms.
“Fuck!” he shouted, but the volume was mostly muffled thanks to his hands. He looked up at me, and I barely recognized him. “I’m sorry, Emery. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“It’s OK,” I said, but I wasn’t sure he was talking about taking my gun away, or at least it didn’t seem as though that was all he was talking about. I couldn’t help but feel as though he was referring to what had happened between us.
Ryder was clearly distraught, and it seemed as though none of us actually knew how to handle it. I didn’t know what I could say to make him feel better. It would just take time, and with what I’d gone through with my parents, I know the pain and agony wouldn’t ever go away. Each day he would simply learn how to keep the feelings at bay and keep going, taking it one day at a time.
“Why don’t you lay down,” Abby said rubbing her hand up and down Ryder’s arm. “Here,” she said helping him down on the sofa, “you just need to catch up on your rest. We’ll get you some water, a blanket.”
“I don’t need a blanket,” Ryder grumbled.
“OK, just the water then,” Abby said patting his arm before she stepped over to Shawn and me. “Is there any water?”
Shawn stared at her for a moment as if she were speaking another language. His expression changed suddenly. “Oh, um, might be a little left. I’ll get started on more.”
Abby followed him into the kitchen, and I stayed where I was as if my feet were glued to the ground. Logan whispered something to Ryder I couldn’t quite make out. They exchanged a glance that showed just how close they were to one another. Brothers. And after a short moment, Logan tried to make his way back to the chair.
His eyes were wide, as he wobbled ever so slightly. Logan’s eyes connected with mine, and I was at his side grabbing his arm so he could use me for support.
Ravaged Land: Divided Series - A Post-Apocalyptic Thriller Books 1-3 Page 38