His face turns more serious. “You’re not bailing on me, are you?”
“Justin, please sit down and close the door.”
He sighs and follows directions.
“What’s your excuse this time?” He folds his arms and reclines, as if this is going to be a long bullshit story.
“Justin, I can’t see you anymore. I know we’re not really dating, but—”
“I get it. It’s the doctor guy. Things are getting hot and heavy pretty fast?” He’s being a dick but I hear an underlying sadness in his tone.
“No. Maybe. That’s not it.” I breathe in and pause. Here goes. Maybe this will get easier the more times I share it with the men in my life. “Justin, I can’t have children.” I keep saying this with such dramatic flair, as if I am on a cheesy talk show and this is the point when the audience gasps.
He stares at me blankly. “What does that have to do with going to a concert?”
Everyone has a different reaction to this information, but strangely enough—no one ever gasps. “I know this is hard for someone like you to understand, but I can’t date someone and risk getting close if I can’t offer a family someday. I know that may sound ridiculous, and you aren’t even thinking of that yet, but it’s real for me. I need to date men who don’t want children, who are past that point in life. And I don’t even want to casually date—I want to get married again and have some security. No strings attached fun isn’t an indulgence I can afford.”
“But fun is important, Claire and I do want get married someday, too. I don’t understand. You’re right that I’m not thinking about kids at this point in my life. I just don’t understand why you would want to sacrifice something good because of this.” Justin is wringing his hands and puffing out his cheeks. A long exhale betrays his frustration.
“You will think of it someday, and then where would I fit in? It’s the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher syndrome. I am going to get old a lot faster than you, and a lot sooner. The attraction will fade and you will begin looking at younger women and wanting a family. It isn’t a criticism or bad judgment of you. It’s just what happens. I can’t set myself up for that, so I need to stop it before it starts, for both of our sakes.”
Heavier sighing and more cheek puffing. “I’m sorry. You’re right.” He holds up his hand to halt my thought process, and quickly adds, “Not about the attraction part, but yes, someday I will want kids. I just feel like I have a lot of time, and I do. This sucks. I’m being a selfish dick yet again.”
“No, you didn’t know, but even if I could have children, I am a lot older than you and our timing wouldn’t be right. I would want a baby now. Do you see?”
“Yeah, I do.” He looks down at his hands resting in his lap. He raises his head up enough for me to see the shining emeralds staring at me with concern. “Claire, why can’t you have children? Are you sure?” When I don’t answer right away his face changes and he adds, “I am such an asshole. When I made that remark to you about how our children would be beautiful? I’m so sorry, Claire. I mean, I think they would be, but no wonder you got so upset.”
“I should have been honest. I had several miscarriages when I was married, and then I had a hysterectomy. So, yes it’s for sure.”
“When?”
“Two years ago.”
“Did your husband leave because of it?”
“No, that’s another story.” I shake my head and don’t venture down that road. Ron and Natasha. She’s pregnant. I wanted you to find out from me and not some random person. “Justin, you’re a great guy, and I know that if I date you, even casually, I will fall for you, and no good can come from that. I have been through enough loss and disappointment. I hope you understand.” My eyes are misty and I look away.
Justin gets up and walks around my desk to give me an awkward hug. He kisses my forehead, wipes away my stray tears and says, “I hope this guy deserves you, Claire. I’m here for you if you need anything.”
As Justin stands up I think of something I need that will cut the tension in the room. “Actually, my laptop is totally screwed up. Can’t get it to do anything, it’s so slow. I want to throw it out the window.”
“I’m your man. Bring it in—I’ll take it home and work on it. It just needs to be cleaned up.” He walks to the door. “Don’t worry—I won’t read all of the e-mails. Well, maybe just the juicy ones.” He covers his face and ducks, expecting to get hit with something as he leaves.
“Go find a hot chick to go to the concert with—I hope you get lucky, but I know you don’t need luck.” I smile at him. I must be crazy to let a man like that go.
He smiles and gently closes my door.
No, I’m not crazy. I am finally becoming sane and I know what I have to do. Right now. She’s pregnant. I wanted you to find out from me and not some random person.
I call Tim’s direct line (I am not going over there to have another run-in with Cecilia), and tell him I’m not feeling well and I need to leave for the day. I get his voice mail. I shoot Rebecca a quick e-mail, telling her I’ll catch up with her tomorrow.
I go home, and after greeting Dixie, walk upstairs to my spare bedroom. The one where I keep all my wedding albums, old pictures and school memorabilia. I open the closet and pull down the contents of the top shelf, hidden behind dusty CDs and high school yearbooks.
I pack the contents in a box and include a brief note.
I carry the box to the car and place it in the backseat. On the drive to their house, I cry my eyes out. The little booties in unisex colors, scattered with bears and ducks. The pink baby book I bought when I was sure I was having a girl. A baby blanket one of Ron’s co-workers knitted for us. I keep the sympathy cards, but I give away all the hopes and dreams. It’s time.
As I place the box on their front porch, I say a silent prayer for the sweet souls I lost, and for new life. The little baby’s and mine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
It’s Friday, and I’m meeting Nathan at the new Asian bistro downtown. It’s the same chain as the place Jackie and I went to in Tyson’s Corner and they just opened in Richmond. The food is a little weird, but I don’t even care. I would have liked to have done something other than go out to eat, and I had the idea to see a play at the Lonsdale Theater. They produce some original productions, and I’ve gone a few times with Audra. I checked online and there were tickets available for tomorrow night, but tonight they were sold out. I sent Nathan a text and he said he can’t go tomorrow night.
I know doctors can work crazy hours, but it’s becoming a little disappointing that we only see each other once a week. Hopefully when the renovations on his house are completed, I can start spending time there, but, how is Dixie going to factor into that plan? Maybe she does need obedience training.
As I pull into the restaurant parking lot I see a huge crowd of people heading for the doors. They are emerging from multiple cars, and there are diners of all ages, including quite a few children. Everyone is dressed up; it must be a dinner for some special occasion.
I have a hard time squeezing into the lobby area, and decide to wait for Nathan to claim our table. I don’t see him yet and he hasn’t sent a text. As I scan the room, I hear a little voice.
“Hi, I’m Abigail. But my friends call me Abby.” A little girl, probably about four or five, is standing in front of me holding a panda and twirling in her lavender sequined skirt.
“I brought Mr. Panda because we are eating at the new fancy restaurant for Ryan’s commuting.” She points to an older boy wearing a polo shirt and black dress pants.
“Hello, Abby. Or should I call you Abigail, since we just met? I like your panda.”
“How about my skirt?” She twirls so fast she almost falls over, which reminds me of someone, except Abby is sober.
“Abby, what are you doing? Are you bothering this lady?” The tall young father turns to me and says, “I’m sorry. We’re here to celebrate my son’s Communion with the family. The whole family.” He sighs and gl
ances around at his group. “I am beginning to think descending upon this new, trendy place on a Friday night wasn’t a good idea, but their mother insisted.”
I quickly glance at his ring finger and notice it’s empty. Self-consciously I avert my eyes and reply, “Oh no, I think it’s nice. Communion. I see. Abby said he was commuting, and I didn’t think he looked old enough to drive or have a job.” Abby is out of ear shot or I would not have said anything—she is so cute, now holding hands and twirling with a little girl in a yellow polka dot dress. Probably a cousin.
“That’s funny. Yeah, she knows some big words but gets them wrong.” He extends his hand. “I’m Rick.”
I look around to see if Nathan is watching this exchange but I don’t see him anywhere. My phone is buzzing—that could be him. “Hi, Rick. Claire.” I shake his hand and it feels warm and slightly rough, like Brandon’s did that day on his front porch. What do Nathan’s hands feel like and why don’t I know? “So you’re here with the whole family?”
“Yes, my ex demanded a full family dinner with both sides. She keeps saying that we need to present a united front for the kids. I guess she’s right.” His soft brown eyes look a bit sad, and I can see some strain on his face.
“I think it’s great that you’re doing that. It’ll be good for the kids. Do you just have the two?”
“Yes, do you have any?”
Just as I am about to answer, I hear a commotion at the front door. Nathan is here and he is yelling at someone. Now I hear crying. Abby comes running to Rick. “Daddy that man yelled at me.” She is clutching her panda and holding onto Rick’s leg.
I just met these nice people and now Nathan is yelling at the little girl. He must have had a bad day. I wish we had arranged to meet somewhere quieter, less popular. He isn’t used to kids, but I didn’t think this restaurant was going to look like Chuck E. Cheese tonight.
Rick starts consoling Abby as Nathan spots me.
“There you are. It’s a damn madhouse in here. Why are all these children in here? You should have mentioned that it was a family restaurant. That’s the last thing I need after a day at the hospital.”
“Did you yell at this little girl?”
He looks confused, as if he has already forgotten anything happened. “What? She was jumping around by the front door and ran right into me. People should watch their kids, Claire.”
Rick glares at Nathan and then looks back at me. “I’m sorry, she’s a little excited to be out for the night with all of her cousins, and she loves getting dressed up. Say you’re sorry, Abby.”
Abby’s face is going to make me cry. I want to hug her.
“No, really the nice man should say he’s sorry for losing his temper.” I stare at Nathan. He doesn’t look happy about being called out in front of a stranger.
“Do you two know each other?” He points from me to Rick.
“We just met. I was talking to Abby about Mr. Panda and her father came over to see who she was talking to.”
Rick extends his hand to Nathan. “Rick Forrester.”
Nathan returns the handshake. “Dr. Nathan Kleinman.”
Abby stops sucking her thumb and says, “Do you give lollipops?”
“Is she talking to me? Why would I give lollipops?”
“Nathan, pediatricians give their patients lollipops.” How could he not know this?
“Um, no I don’t. All my patients are grown-ups.” He stoops over and pats Abby on the head. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you should be more careful. I’m sure your father would agree.” He looks at Rick.
Rick is being gracious, but I get the feeling he’s looking at me with pity. I get that a lot. I make a mental note to steer Nathan away from kids as best I can in the future. Maybe I can get him to talk about what’s bothering him. I know he isn’t a kid friendly person, but his rudeness indicates a bigger problem. He is too kind and giving to act this way.
“Yes, Abby please be more careful, Sweetie. Now why don’t we go find Mommy?”
“Yay!” She smiles, presumably at the thought of Mommy.
A lump is forming in my throat. “I do love your dress, Abby. Purple is my favorite color.”
She starts twirling again to show off her dress, and runs off through the mob of her relatives.
I am left standing with Rick and Nathan.
“I’m going to see if I can get us a table. I am assuming you haven’t been to the hostess stand yet?” Nathan looks annoyed.
“No, I was talking. I’m sorry, I—”
He disappears in the throng of Rick’s family.
“I should go with him. I’m sorry. He is usually not like this. He’s had some very sick patients lately and it seems to be affecting him.”
“Hey, I understand. It was nice meeting you. Enjoy your dinner.” He starts to say something else and then stops.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. It’s just that until he came in I thought I was doing well with you. I was going to ask for your number. I didn’t know you were attached. No ring.” He points to my left hand.
“Right. No, we’re not married, but we probably will be some day. I’m flattered.” I pause and see Abby smiling at me, making Mr. Panda dance.
“It’s just hard to find someone who likes kids. I have taken enough of your time. Have a good night, Claire.”
“You too, Rick.” I turn towards the hostess stand and Nathan reappears in time to hear me say, “And God bless Ryan on his Communion.”
“Our table is ready, Claire.” Nathan appears even more perturbed.
I follow him to the back of the restaurant. He probably demanded to sit as far away from other people as possible, especially twirling little revelers.
“That was a nightmare. I don’t understand why people would bring young children to a place like this.” He pulls on his tie and rips it off, throwing it on the seat beside him. Why is he wearing a suit? I decide not to ask him.
“They’re celebrating the little boy’s Communion. I think it’s nice.” I start drinking the wine Nathan took the liberty of ordering. He must have done that before we sat down.
He takes a huge swig and already refills his glass. “Communion? What’s that, some kind of Catholic thing?”
I decide to change the subject instead of telling him how I enjoyed my First Holy Communion day. We had a big party at my grandmother’s house and my mother made special cupcakes with little crosses on them. I twirl the little gold cross ring I received that day. I wear it on my pinky now.
“So did you have a stressful day at the office again?”
“Claire, you have no idea! Those nurses are total morons sometimes, and the patients’ families are so clueless.” He is still chugging the wine.
I was alluding to the patients’ health and the stress of saving lives, but I don’t mention this. Why is he in such a bad mood? Just the other day he was practically in tears telling me about almost losing a patient.
Before I get a chance to reply he continues. “Let’s not talk about my work, Claire. How was your day? I did some research on that company of yours. I saw an interesting press release about the new line of books you’re carrying.”
“Yeah, I’m not too happy about that, but our sales are down and we need to produce something highly marketable.” I feel my cheeks flush.
He motions to the waiter. The bottle of wine is already gone and we haven’t ordered any food yet. Fortunately, I am stone cold sober. “Nathan, should you be drinking so much wine? Didn’t you say you have an early tee time tomorrow and then rounds and—?”
“Sweetie, don’t worry about me.” Nathan reaches for my leg, misses and almost slides off his chair. It was a far reach though, since I am sitting across from him at this booth in the corner. Did he start drinking before he got here? Luckily, we are as far away from the other diners as we could be. Rick and his family must be in the other room. Little Abby is probably drinking a Shirley Temple with an umbrella.
Nathan breaks into my day
dream. “Sweetie, I just remembered. I need you to come with me to a medical conference in June. It’s being held in Phoenix. You’ll love it.” The waiter has brought another bottle of wine. I interject and suggest that we order food, which of course Nathan does without any input from me.
Wait, Phoenix in June? It must be 110 degrees there by that time of year. “Is it a weekend thing?”
“No, it’s a week-long professional conference. Spouses and significant others are invited, though. There are lots of social opportunities and you can get to know the other women during the day. Do you have any formal wear?”
Aren’t there any women doctors attending the conference? I guess they don’t bring their husbands? As for formal wear, I don’t want to remind him that I didn’t have many formal UPS events to attend with Ron, and my evening wear consists of the dress I wore to Rachel’s wedding, more than five years ago. “I have a few things.”
“We’ll set up a date to shop for you. I want you looking amazing. Not that you don’t every day, Sweetie.”
“I’ll ask for the time off at work.” I was planning on a beach vacation with Rebecca this summer, but I have enough time left to do both. Unless Nathan wants to take me somewhere else.
Finally, the food has arrived. The egg rolls are amazing. No, all Asian food does not taste the same.
“I forgot to tell you that I’m working on getting you set up with a golf pro at Windy Hill to give you lessons. They have a nice women’s league you could join.” He smiles and pats my leg, steadily this time.
“I thought we could play together and you would teach me. I guess it makes sense to learn from someone else, though. Ron tried to teach me to ski when we were young, and I almost stabbed him with the poles.” I laugh as the waitress presents us with our main dish. It looks hot and delicious, and I am famished.
Nathan gasps and I jump in. “I wouldn’t have actually hit him. I’m just saying that it’s hard to learn a skill from a man. I mean a husband.” I add quickly, “Or boyfriend.” Especially if he’s an asshole, like Ron.
“I see. Yes, I think Daniel will be an excellent teacher for you.”
There Are No Men Page 26