She closed the door and looked around those familiar walls. Nothing much had changed since the last time she was there, but everything looked different. She used to love her room, now she was hating every poster, every picture, every pillow. She didn't belong there anymore. But then again, do we really stop belonging somewhere, or do we just simply outgrow it?
April 3rd
Dear Diary,
You know that feeling when you read a book in so little time that not long after finishing it you don't recall what actually happened? You remember the ending, in most cases, but all the events that lead to that outcome are somehow missing from the overall picture. Well, this is me. I sort of remember how it all started, but I cannot figure out how the hell I ended up like this. I feel like I've rushed through my life these last few weeks, like something was going on and I didn't even notice.
And now, here I am.
I didn't even get to say goodbye to Sunrise. I wonder what she's doing right now.
So many things have happened during the past four days, you wouldn't believe it! I'm in my room right now back home, but I'm moving to California tomorrow. You feel like you've missed something? Tell me about it!
Aunt Michelle is my new legal guardian... Technically we are relatives, but I don't even know what she looks like. She has a husband as far as I know, I think his name is Edgar, or Edward. I don't know, I'll just go with “Ed”. They have 3 kids, and I have no idea how old they are or what their names are. It'd be all very funny it wasn't really happening to me.
I'm so tired and mad and sad and disappointed and so many things all at once that I don't think there's even a word to define my feelings right now.
How could James send me so far away?! How could he accept this? I know things haven't been easy, but how could he give up on me like this? I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to him again. I wonder if Mike and Will had any saying in this. Did they try to talk him out of it? Did they propose an alternative solution? Or were they fine with it right from the start? I guess I'll never know since I won't be speaking to either one of them for a very long time as well. I'm too mad, and honestly? I probably don't even want to know. I'd like to preserve the last bit of sympathy I have left towards them. Resentment is such a bitch.
I'm leaving town tomorrow and I won't be looking back. I won't call. I won't write. They want me out of their lives, and so be it. Maybe it's for the best, you know? This town, these people, this school... I don't want any of it anymore.
I was wrong believing that things could be better, that we could have had a normal life together. The four of us. There is no “us”, there's just me. I won't make the same mistake ever again.
I just wanted them to fight for me. I guess I wasn't worth the trouble.
Maybe they blame me for what happened to our parents, and this is the punishment they think I deserve. Don't they understand that I've been punishing myself for it already?
I'm sorry they came to pick me up that day. I'm sorry I switched seats with Mom. I'm sorry they died because of me. I'm sorry she died, instead of me.
Don't they understand I'm sorry?
I guess this is life, uh? Grief, tragedy, heartbreaks, wrong choices, goodbyes... God, I wish I could go back to before. Before life happened.
H.
PS. Apparently my life fits in 3 suitcases, and a rib cage.
THIRTY-THREE
Morning came, and Hayden was ready to go. She packed up her dignity, gathered a few pieces of her frangible strength scattered here and there, and wore a frail veil of courage. Fighting, running, yelling... there was no more point in that. Accepting what had to come was all she wanted to do.
She had gotten up very early, but waited for Mrs Selling's arrival to open her door. She didn't want to speak to her brothers, so having breakfast with them sitting at the same table seemed like the best thing to avoid that morning.
"Hello, Hayden," Mrs Selling said, with a warm smile, as she walked into the living room with her bags. "Ready to go?" Her brothers were there too, but she totally ignored them. "Yes," Hayden said.
"Are those all your bags?" Mrs Selling asked. "There's another one in my room," she replied, hinting at the fact that she had no more free hands.
"I'll grab that," Will said, leaving the room.
"Let me help you with those," Mike said, noticing that Hayden seemed a bit too small for those big and heavy bags she was carrying.
"I'm good, thanks," Hayden said coldly, looking at him. Mike halted, surprised by his sister's harshness. Will came rushing back with the last bag, which he brought outside and placed in the trunk. One last look at the living room, and Hayden's eyes fell on a happy family picture hanging by the window: the portrait of people smiling, back when they still knew how to forgive.
Hayden followed Will and placed the rest of the bags in the car. Everyone was now at the front porch and despite having so much to say, no one spoke.
"I'll wait in the car," Mrs Selling said, thinking that they would have wanted a few minutes of privacy for their goodbyes. But Hayden had no intention of saying a word, least of all waste time with farewells. She grabbed the handle to open the car door, but James placed his hand on top, stopping her.
"Hayden, please. Don't leave like this," he begged. A silent tear ran down her cheek, but without even turning towards her brother, she opened the door and sat at the passenger seat. The sound of the slamming door echoed in everyone's heart.
"Let's go," she ordered Mrs Selling. As the car moved away, Hayden looked at everything she was leaving behind from the rear-view mirror. She saw her brothers standing there, lost and miserable and sad. Then she focused on the road ahead, only thinking about the future that awaited her. Before the car made a turn, she looked back one last time.
I went from being lost, to having lost you. How did that happen?
Then the past was out of sight.
The end.
You want to know what happens to Hayden after she leaves?
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- out September 2016 -
The “Before” series
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