Scorn of Secrets

by B Truly

  It’s still early, only 9 am. I call Lina anyway. We’ve hung out a few times.

  “Hello,” Lina answers sleepily.

  “Hey, it’s Madison….” I pause. My throat is sore when I talk. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I just wanted to see what you were up to this week.”

  “Nothing much. You okay? You sound kinda weird.”

  “Guess my voice is still waking up.” I make an excuse.

  “You’re not like a typical teen who likes to sleep in,” Lina teases.

  “Most of the time I’m an early riser.”

  “What are you doing for the rest of the break?”

  “No plans. If you don’t have any, maybe I can come over?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. Do you want to spend the night?”

  “Sure, I’ll pack my stuff.” I’ll spend a couple of nights if I can. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to continue living here.

  “This is going to be fun. What time will you be here?”

  “Don’t you have to ask your parents first?”

  “My mom won’t mind.”

  “Okay. I’ll be there in about an hour.” I glance at the clock. I need to clear out of here before Justin gets back. I’ll never be able to face him now.

  Looking at myself in the mirror, my eyes grow wide. There are dark brown and bluish marks around my neck. Inspecting closer, I notice the same color markings around my wrists. Glancing at my chest, I gasp. Are those bite marks on my brea…. I can’t even finish the word. Closing my eyes, I will them to go away. When I open them, the bruises and bite marks are still there. They must be from him holding me so tightly and…. I swallow hard, then touch my throat, remembering it’s sore. I’ll have to cover my neck with foundation and wear a long-sleeved shirt. The thought sickens me.

  After packing, I think about how I’m getting to Lina’s. Tanya is liable to cuss me out for waking her at this hour—best to take an Uber. On my way, I text Justin, letting him know I’ll be staying at Lina’s. I have to relay something to him. Justin isn’t dumb, and he’ll want to know why I left without telling him. Over break, if we were apart, we texted each other nonstop. Justin texts back shortly after I get to Lina’s.

  Got your text that u r at Lina’s.

  She’s been wanting me 2 come over.

  That’s cool. When will u be home?

  Never if I have anything to do with it. Going back will be inevitable, but I’ll prolong it for as long as I can. Alarming Justin will only make matters worse. He’s not whom I hate. On the contrary, I am in love with him, which only creates a more horrible problem. He wears his face! All my dreams seem to have been wiped away in the blink of an eye.

  26

  The Same Face that Haunts Me

  Justin being identical to the guy who’s stolen what I wanted to save for the man I love is too much to bear. Will I ever be able to look Justin in the eye again? He wears the same face. I don’t want to hurt him—I just can’t be around him right now.

  I text him saying: Not sure. I’ll be here for at least a couple of days. Lina has a lot of chick stuff planned.

  R u sure you’re ok? I can’t help feeling that something’s wrong.

  I’m fine. Worst lie I’ve ever told. I’ll call u later.

  K. Miss u!

  My temples are pounding. He’ll figure out soon enough I’m not going to call. Justin is persistent. It won’t be long before he demands to know what’s bothering me. Best I can do is buy time. I’m not sure how to handle this. Jackson threatened to end me if I told. He made it clear of the rumor he’d spread. Recalling what he whispered in my ear last night makes me tremble.

  Cross me and you’ll regret it. After all, this was consensual, remember. You opened your legs for me willingly, and you enjoyed it. The evidence was all over my hand.

  Afterward, I realized it was a mistake because you were with my brother first. You couldn’t handle that I didn’t want a relationship. So, you lashed out, spreading vicious lies. If push comes to shove, I’ll tell everyone you pursued me. I can be very persuasive. Trust me, it wouldn’t go in your favor.

  I attempt to shake the images from my mind. Jackson is delusional and bat crazy. What sane person would pretend to be his twin to trick his brother’s gal into sleeping with him? I should’ve listened to my instincts the moment he started kissing me. What’s so messed up is that I did give myself to him willingly, and he had pleasured me beforehand. Does it count that I begged him to stop and he didn’t?

  Jackson deceived me, and now I have to bear the consequences. What I fear most is that he’ll return for round two. Jackson’s threat terrifies me. Would anyone believe me if I confessed? Most chicks at Taylor worship the ground Jackson walks on. Some girls may even back up what Jackson claims, just to spite me. Worse, what if Jackson tells Justin. I don’t think I could live with myself if he does. I must keep this secret locked away.

  * * *

  I’m able to get away with only texting Justin until the following night, then he begins calling. The thought of hearing his voice almost sends me into a frenzy.

  What will I say to him? Can I act as if nothing happened?

  Justin isn’t buying my excuses of why I haven’t returned his calls. From his messages, he seems frustrated. Lina keeps us busy with movies and talking about books we’ve both read. We even play board games. I’m kind of surprised she still has them. The majority of people play games on their tablets or phones. She has kept them since childhood. It works out, because it helps take my mind off my situation for a while.

  We’re sitting over Monopoly on her bedroom floor, when Lina finally asks, “Okay, I’ve held my tongue for as long as I could. What’s going on? You haven’t been yourself since you got here. Did you and Justin have a fight?”

  Way worse than that.

  Probably best to just go with it. It feels like I’m in a warped time zone. Pretending is what I’ve been attempting to do, and that isn’t working out so well. Every so often, a flashback will shake me to my core. I haven’t even processed how to proceed, so I’m not ready to confess.

  “Yeah, we had an argument.”

  “I bet that’s why your phone keeps going off, because you’re avoiding him.”

  Busted.

  “You wanna talk about it?”

  I swallow the huge lump in my throat. Images of the other night invades my mind. My eyes water, trying to keep my tears at bay. “I can’t....”

  “Whoa, I’m sorry, Madie. I didn’t mean to pry. I can just see you’re hurting. We don’t have to talk about it.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You guys are crazy about each other. I’m sure you can work it out. I think you’ve been using me to hide out.” Lina grins.

  Caught red-handed, I offer her a tentative smile. “I’ve enjoyed your company. It has been fun.”

  “Un-huh,” Lina teases. “I guess in your case, if you were at home, you’d have to face him at some point.”

  I feel my eyes grow large. “What … do you mean?”

  “Isn’t he your neighbor?”

  “Oh, yeah, he is.”

  “Well, I’m betting Justin would be at your doorstep.”

  More like at my bedroom door.

  Lina is closer than she knows. “Let’s just hope Justin doesn’t show up here.” His last text said he was contemplating coming over. I’m sure he could find out Lina’s address.

  Her brow furrows. “Justin’s not abusive, is he?”

  That would be his twin. I’ve made sure to wear long-sleeves and apply foundation to my neck. “Nothing like that. Justin just wants to fix things, and I’m not ready yet.”

  Lina takes the hint, dropping it. She talks about more pleasant topics.

  Day three, Justin is about to blow a gasket. I receive irate messages.

  Thought we were better than this. I was born at night, not last nite. It’s clear u r avoiding me. Don’t know what I’ve done wrong & I’ve damn near begged u 2 talk 2 me. But I can’t make u.

&nb
sp; It’s not u. It’s me. Please don’t be mad. I just need time 2 figure things out.

  Tell me. Maybe I can help.

  U can’t help me with this.

  Later that night, Justin calls me once—dead silence afterward. The following day, I don’t hear a peep. No calls, no texts, not that I can blame him.

  * * *

  On New Year’s Eve, Mama calls. It’s the first time I’ve heard from her since they left the morning of the 26th.

  “Madison, where are you?”

  I didn’t ask permission to stay at Lina’s, but she hasn’t bothered to check in on me. “I’m at my friend, Lina’s, house.”

  “Well, Tanya said you’ve been gone for a few days. Regan and I are going to a get together this evening, so I want you home today.”

  My stomach somersaults. Now she cares, wanting me home. “I don’t have a ride.”

  “There are five cars parked at our house. Text Tanya your friend’s address. She’ll let you know when she can pick you up.”

  Great. Looks like there is no way out of this.

  Tanya scoops me up just after sunset, irritated she has to come and get me in the first place.

  “Why didn’t your lover boy pick you up? Y’all on the outs or something?”

  I ignore her, and she’s quiet for the rest of the ride. After we arrive and go inside, I ask, “Where are the twins?”

  “I don’t keep them in my back pocket. They’re probably out and about. Text your lover and ask him yourself.”

  “You’re such a smart ass. Would it kill you to be nice for five seconds?”

  She gapes at me, then smirks with her comeback. “There’s a big party tonight. Every one’s gonna be there. I’m sure Justin’s going. If he didn’t tell you, it must be over in fairytale land.”

  I roll my eyes. “You have no clue what you’re talking about, so shut your pie-hole.”

  Her honey-brown eyes grow wide. “You’re feisty today. Whatever. I need to get ready and I definitely have better things to worry about.”

  Could’ve fooled me. She constantly cracks relationship jibes about me and Justin. I trudge to my room, locking the door. A lock won’t do much good if somebody really wants to break in, it’s just the only thing I can do.

  My cell vibrates. A text from Amber.

  Hey, Madison. Haven’t heard from u lately. Everyone’s going 2 Keshia’s party tonite. It’s supposed be lit. Tanya’s going, too. Do u wanna ride with us? Or r u going with your man?

  Sorry, I’ve been outta reach. Thanks 4 the invite. Actually, I don’t feel well, so I’m gonna stay home.

  Bummer. Hope u feel better.

  Thanks. Happy New Year.

  Same to u.

  Disappointment fills me that the text isn’t from Justin. We haven’t messaged in over twenty-four hours. All I have given him is the cold shoulder. I refused to answer his calls, so he’s probably tired of kissing my butt. My chest contracts. I hurt him when he’s done nothing wrong. Time is a ticking bomb. Soon, I will have to face him. Maybe Justin wearing the same face won’t be an issue.

  All is quiet over the next few hours. I don’t think Justin, or his brother have been home. It’s past ten now, so they’re probably at the big shindig. My nerves calm somewhat with an empty house. My stomach grumbles, making me aware I haven’t eaten since breakfast.

  After getting a few snacks from the kitchen, I pull out the knife drawer. There are several to choose from. I decide on a medium size blade, grabbing it to take with me. My hiding spot for my new friend is underneath my pillow. By having a knife, I feel more protected. Violence makes my stomach flip-flop. Never imagined I would be contemplating sleeping with a knife hidden under my pillow. But if Jackson attempts to violate me again, I’ll shank him.

  Neither reading nor surfing the net seems to soothe my anxiety. Somehow, I manage to get myself worked up again. The later it gets, all I do is watch the clock.

  Tick tock, tick tock.

  Gunshots and fireworks begin at midnight sharp. My eyelids are starting to get heavy. I am too restless to sleep. At 1 am, I almost have a coronary when someone knocks at my door. I grip my knife, cradling it with my arm bent behind my back.

  “Madi, it’s me, Justin.” He knocks again, louder. “Can I please come in?”

  My heart is pounding so fast, I think it may jump out of my chest. Slowly, I unlock the door.

  Justin cracks it open, coming inside. “Hi.”

  His voice sounds hesitant. I don’t meet his eyes. I can’t. He has his face. “Hey,” I reply, staring holes into the hardwood.

  “Were you asleep?”

  “It’s kinda hard to with all the fireworks.”

  “Yeah, it is loud. What’s behind your back?”

  “Nothing,” I answer, backtracking to my bed. Once I sit down and find my pillow, I ease my friend underneath it without him noticing. “Why aren’t you still at the party?”

  Sighing, he replies, “Can I sit?”

  “Sure.” I haven’t met his eyes once.

  “I wasn’t really having a good time. I was worried about you.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you to worry.”

  “How can I not? I care about you so much.” My heart clenches. “Tanya told me you were home, so I came to see you—to find out if we are okay.”

  “Justin, I….”

  “Don’t shut me out, mi amor.” I answer him with silence. “Madison, look at me.”

  I won’t. He stands up, slowly walking toward me, then he lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him.

  Identical!

  His hazel eyes are tormented. The force of seeing his face slams into my chest like a wrecking ball. I suck in a deep breath, clutching my heart. I hold his gaze momentarily. Loving and hating the face that stares back at me. The face that deluded and manipulated me. The turmoil of conflicted emotions bubbles to the surface, threatening to overtake me.

  “Madi, what is it?”

  “I’m just … tired.” Another horrible lie. Ripping my eyes away from him, I fight back tears. Neither of us speak, he only stands in front of me while I stare at his black Nikes. After what seems like an infinite amount of awkwardness, Justin leans down and kisses my forehead. It feels like my heart will crack in two.

  “I’m lost here…. I don’t know what’s happened, but I’m gonna give you some space. Maybe then, you’ll let me back in.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “Happy New Year, mi amor.”

  After he closes my door, I break down. An endless flood of tears into a path unknown. How can the face I love also be the same face that haunts me?

  27

  I Love You, I Hate You

  New Year’s Day is quiet. Tanya sleeps for most of it. She must have partied hard. Regan cooks a roast, greens, and black-eyed peas. The evil twin’s Tahoe is gone, so I eat with Mama, Regan, and a grouchy sister. Thankfully, Justin hasn’t made it down, more than likely pissed at me or giving me space.

  Later that night, my door is locked and my knife lays under my pillow. Doesn’t matter, I toss and turn, hardly getting a wink of sleep.

  The next morning, I sleep past my alarm for school. Justin has sent me a text. My heart flip-flops. No matter how confounding my emotions are, it makes me feel better knowing he still cares. I’ve been a real a-hole to him all week. It’s a wonder he isn’t giving me the cold shoulder.

  I’ve got basketball practice this afternoon, but I can give u a lift 2 school if u want. Or r u riding with Tanya? Just let me know, either way.

  My mind spins in turmoil. My heart wants Justin—demands that I try to find some way to move past this and make things right with him. Conflicted indecision ransacks my every thought. I haven’t seen Jackson since that night. Maybe I can forget what he took from me. Justin’s identical face is like a weight crushing down on me. But the thought of not being with Justin feels like a knife gutting me in my heart. I clasp at my diamond pendant necklace I’ve been wearing since Christmas—a
gift so precious to me. Eventually, my heart wins out, making the choice for me. I have to attempt to get through this, so I text him back.

  Hi. I’ll ride with u & see if I can hitch a ride home with Tanya. I’m running late. Slept past my alarm.

  No, problem. I’ll grab a bite downstairs while I wait & fix u a latte.

  Thank u.

  Normally, I don’t wear much make-up. My eyes have huge bags this morning, so I apply a light coat of base concealing them. Thankfully, I don’t need much for my neck. The bruises have almost faded away. While I’m at it, I add mascara and lip gloss. Nothing fancy, but it does the trick. Taylor students are vocal. They won’t hesitant to tell me I look like crap. Gotta appreciate their honesty. I rush downstairs in record time. The aroma of caramel fills the kitchen as I walk in. Justin is rocking jeans and a Houston Rockets hoodie with red and black Jordans.

  “Morning, sleeping beauty,” Justin greets me.

  “Good morning yourself,” I say, trying not to look at him. I fail miserably as our eyes lock for a second. I break contact quickly, praying he doesn’t notice my unease. I sense he is staring. I can feel his penetrating gaze.

  “Your make-up looks great. Subtle but nice.”

  My cheeks blaze scarlet. “I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I blurt without thinking.

  “Bad dreams? Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”

  More like horrible flashbacks. “Are there any bananas?” I’m not even hungry. I just hope he will drop it.