“Did Georgia Beaumont tell you she was sleeping with Rocky?” He enunciated each word as if I would have a hard time understanding him.
I felt my spine stiffen at the same time I got hot all over. The implication that I knew something that could help Gabe with his case and deliberately kept it to myself pissed me off. I knew that I hadn’t let him get to know me very well, but his question felt like a low blow to me. “Why would I keep something like that from you?”
“You didn’t answer my question.” Gabe paced a few steps then stopped and faced me once again. “Did you know?”
“I knew…”
“Fucking figures.” Gabe threw his hand in the air and then turned away from me. His posture was stiff and foreboding.
I was so shocked by his behavior that it took me a few long seconds to respond to his rudeness. “You didn’t let me finish before you judged and executed me, asshole.” I held my chin high and glared at him when he turned back to face me. “I knew—or suspected, really—that she was seeing someone, but I didn’t know who.”
“How did you know or suspect she was seeing someone? Did she tell you anything at all?” Gabe asked, his voice a little less hostile and accusatory.
“It wasn’t what she said but how she acted that made me think she was finally moving on from Rocky. Well, that’s what I thought at the time. I didn’t say anything to you because I didn’t have any facts to share.” The sting of his suspicion hadn’t lessened inside me, so I didn’t bother to modulate my tone. “You never answered my question.”
“I just figured you were either protecting her confidence, being stubborn, or high drama.” I got madder and madder with every stupid word that left his mouth. How was it that I ever fantasized about his lips on my body?
“Stubborn or high drama?” I asked, advancing on him. Maybe later I’d get a chuckle over the contrite expression on his face or the way he backed up as if I was a physical threat to him. “That’s what you think about me, Gabe? I’m just a big motherfucking drama queen?”
“Drama king,” he replied in a pathetic attempt at humor as if that made it better.
“I. Am. Not. High. Drama.” People assumed that about me because I was a tad flamboyant and I styled hair. I did more than style hair; I was a motherfucking business owner who probably pulled in the highest salary in my town. I refused to be talked down to by anyone, especially the man I ignorantly gave my body to. “Get out, Gabe.”
“What?” His mouth dropped open, and he blinked rapidly in confusion. “You’re throwing me out?” he asked in disbelief.
“I’m pretty sure I was clear.” My body began to shake with rage and hurt. I fucking knew I couldn’t trust him. Regardless of what he had said on prior occasions, the truth came out. He thought I was a girlie guy who was prone to drama. He also believed I was dishonest. To him, I was the Dishonest Drama Diva. “I want you to leave.” I could feel tears burning the back of my eyes, and I’d be damned before I let him see just how badly his words had hurt me.
“Come on, Josh. Don’t be this way.” His pleas were falling on deaf ears. “What did I say or do that warrants you kicking me out? You’re the one who kept crucial information from me when I interviewed you twice after Georgia’s death. I should be the one throwing a hissy fit.” His face paled when he heard the sharp intake of air I pulled into my lungs. “Okay, that was wrong of me to say. I didn’t mean that or my comments earlier about…”
“Get. Out. Now.” If he wanted to see a hissy fit, then I would gladly show him one.
“Josh, please…” Gabe took a few steps toward me but stopped when I shook my head no.
I’d cave if he touched me. I’d listen to his apology and accept his claim that emasculating me wasn’t his intention because that was what I wanted to believe. I didn’t realize just how much I wanted to believe in him—us—until any hope we had exploded into so many pieces that they couldn’t be put back together again.
“This isn’t over,” Gabe said firmly. He could believe what he wanted. I followed him to the door so that I could lock up after him. Gabe turned and reached for me, but I evaded his hands.
“Goodbye.” I kept my eyes locked on his so he could see how sure I was.
He said nothing else before he turned to leave. I refused to watch him walk away from me because I knew it was the last time. I flipped the lock and stumbled my way upstairs and into the shower before I lost it.
It had always been the place I felt safe enough to cry. It had started in high school when I released the heartache through a torrent of tears after getting bullied at school for being gay. It continued to be my safe harbor with every crushing blow to my heart from failed attempts at relationships with guys who only wanted me for sex.
I stood under the hot spray of water until the last tear fell from my eyes and then I got out and dried off. I decided it would be the last time that I let Gabe Wyatt hurt me. And while I wasn’t convinced I’d die alone, I was sure that Gabe wasn’t the one I would share my life with.
Thanksgiving was around the corner, and I knew I had two choices. I could stay home and be lonely, even though I’d join Meredith or Chaz’s family for dinner, or I could fly down and see my folks. The salon was closed that week, and I thought that several days under a warm sun could do a world of good for me. I retrieved my laptop from my bedroom and ordered a roundtrip ticket before I could talk myself out of it.
I decided to call my mom the next day because I wasn’t in the mood for the probing questions she would ask me. I made a mental note to visit home more often so she wouldn’t be so damn suspicious when I did. As much as she drove me crazy, I loved her and missed her very much.
I spent the rest of the night losing myself in television shows to put Gabe out of my mind. I resolved to forget him anytime his image crept past the bitch-slapping reality show marathon I watched. He wasn’t for me; I had known it before just as I knew it then. Too bad I hadn’t listened to myself the first time because I would’ve avoided the false hope and heartache.
“Live and learn,” I said out loud.
I began dreaming of Gabe and what could’ve been that night and the several nights that followed. Thoughts of him haunted me during my time in Florida and overshadowed what could’ve been a lovely trip. My dreams were so realistic, more so than the ones I had about the guy who tried to kill me in my bedroom. I heard his voice, saw his face, and felt his touch so vibrantly that I would wake up and expect to find him beside me. In many ways, shattered dreams of hope were far worse than scary dreams.
I knew my mother sensed I was going through something, but she surprisingly didn’t pester me until I came clean. Maybe she realized that this heartache was so much stronger than any I’d felt before and I needed more time. Whatever her reason, I was grateful for the reprieve.
I was thrilled to see how happy and active my folks were in their retirement community. It seemed like they had plans every single night with their friends and I didn’t want my unplanned visit to ruin them. The downside was that I had a lot of time on my hands to think. I replayed and relived every single second of my argument with Gabe until I thought I would lose my mind.
Yes, he said hurtful things to me, but I knew in my heart that he was not a cruel person. After enough time had passed, my wounded heart allowed me to acknowledge the regret I had seen in his eyes when he realized how deep his words cut me. I began to think that maybe I overreacted and should’ve given him the opportunity to apologize instead of throwing him out.
I wanted to call him or text him, but the fear that I had pushed him too far paralyzed me. How much forgiveness could one guy have? I was afraid to find out so I thought it would be best for me to leave things alone and move forward without him. That was easy to do when I was over a thousand miles away from him. I knew I would struggle with moving on from him a lot more when I returned home.
I just kept praying to whoever was listening to help me avoid running into him until I felt stronger in my conviction that we were
better apart than together. It seemed like they were honoring my request until I dropped by The Brew to get a peppermint flavored hot chocolate the Sunday after I returned home from Florida. I had placed my drink order and even added a few sugar cookies that were decorated to look like snowmen when I felt his presence. I fucking hated that he still had that effect on me, even though I gave my heart and body strict instructions to ignore him.
Don’t look. Don’t look. Of course, I looked and hated myself for it afterward. Gabe was sitting at a table drinking coffee and eating pastries with Kyle. He looked so cozy and happy to be with him that I honestly felt ill. It reminded me that I was probably nothing more than a distraction for him while he and Kyle worked through their problems. It looked like they were once again a happy couple from the way they sat smiling at one another.
The barista called my name to give me my order just then, and Gabe looked away from Kyle in search of me. I turned my head before his eyes could connect with mine because I couldn’t face him yet. It was too soon; I was too raw. I ended up leaving the shop without my hot chocolate and cookies, but I didn’t care. I needed to get as far away from him as fast as I could.
I would’ve run home if it didn’t look so cowardly. I settled for a brisk power walk and was proud of the distance I had made when I heard Gabe call my name. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Of course, I stopped and turned to look at him. His long legs ate up the distance between us, and he stood in front of me in a blink of an eye.
“You forgot your hot chocolate and cookies.” I looked away from his dark, mesmerizing eyes and saw that he held my hot chocolate in one hand and bag of cookies in the other. “Um, you also forgot your car.” He tipped his head backward and sure enough, there was my Mini where I had parked her. In my haste to get away from him, I had forgotten that I’d driven to The Brew instead of walked.
“Fuck!” My humiliation had hit an all new low.
“Josh, can we please talk?” Gabe asked. Damn those puppy dog eyes of his.
“Gabe, I don’t think we have much to talk about,” I told him, trying so hard to hold on to my anger and disappointment that he had turned out just the way I thought he would. I was a fool to think that he missed me like I did him and was glad I hadn’t embarrassed myself by reaching out to him while I was away.
“Okay, how about I talk, and you listen,” he suggested. “I’ll try hard not to insult you with every word that comes out of my mouth.”
“Every other word,” I said, giving him a little bit of slack. I took my hot chocolate and bag of goodies from him and walked to my car. I opened the passenger door and put my drink in the holder and laid the cookies on the seat before I shut the door and turned back to face him.
I expected Gabe to say something, but instead, he cupped his hands around the back of my neck and pulled me to him for a kiss. I wanted to be disgusted by the taste of him on my tongue, but I wasn’t. I should’ve pushed him away, but instead, I melted against him. My brain screamed danger, but my heart was so happy that we were in his arms again. Damn, I had missed his mouth. Gabe pulled back after too short of a kiss. “I’ve really missed you, Josh. I’m sorry for the hurtful things I said to you. I truly am.”
“You didn’t look like it,” I said, trying to grasp onto any reason to not let him back in my life. His words, his kiss, and the heat from his body were making me weak. “You looked kind of cozy with Doctor Dimples.” Gabe’s lips quirked up into a crooked smile over Kyle’s nickname.
“We just showed up this morning at the same time, both of us commiserating over the fact that the guys we want don’t want us in return.” He grabbed hold of the thin beard covering my chin and tugged. “I think listening to his woes was the first time I smiled since you threw me out of your salon. He’s an even bigger idiot than I am.”
“I think I should be the judge of that,” I replied. A wild thought occurred to me, and I tried to stomp it down, but instead, I heard myself ask, “What are you doing for dinner tonight?”
“Are you inviting me to Sunday dinner?” He looked so hopeful that I couldn’t resist him.
“I guess I am.” I also knew that I’d be fixing country fried steak and all the fixings instead of the pork roast I originally planned.
“What time and what can I bring?”
“Six o’clock and just bring yourself.” His smile nearly blinded me, and I hated to say anything that would cause it to dim, but I had to make it very clear how I felt. “Gabe, I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life now. I seldom let people close enough to hurt me, but I made an exception for you. I don’t ever give second chances, so please don’t make me regret this.”
“I won’t.” He looked very confident.
“Don’t be late for dinner,” I warned him.
“I won’t.”
I raised up and kissed his lips softly, surprising the hell out of both of us. I didn’t know what it was about him that made me want to throw caution out the window. It didn’t work out so well the first time, and I had no guarantee it would work better a second time. I just knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least try.
I had all afternoon to get worked up over having Sunday dinner at Josh’s house with his friends, who were more like family to him. I knew it was a big fucking deal to get the invite and I didn’t want to do anything to blow it. He was giving me another chance, and that was an even bigger fucking deal. I was terrified of screwing it up. No one had ever made me as nervous as Josh Roman—not even dangerous felons. I didn’t even know what that meant, but I knew I had to find out. I was a moth to his bright, burning flame.
Buddy’s head was cocked to the side as he studied me from his end of the couch. He must’ve sensed my inner turmoil because he lay down and placed his head on my thigh to give me comfort. I dropped my hand to scratch his ears and felt calm descend over my frazzled nerves. It was easy to see why they brought pets into hospitals to visit with patients.
I watched football with Buddy for most of the afternoon and then I took a long hot shower to ease any remaining nerves I had left. I knew I couldn’t go to his house acting like a damn fool. Josh told me I didn’t have to bring anything, but my mom taught me it was bad manners to show up empty handed. Even if my mom didn’t contribute with food, she’d bring the host flowers or wine. Would Josh think I was insulting him if I brought flowers?
There were no wine sales on Sunday in Ohio, but I had a bottle of Prosecco that I’d received as a birthday gift. I was mostly a beer guy, so I was saving the Prosecco for a special occasion. I honestly couldn’t think of anything more special than being invited to Josh’s house for Sunday dinner. My mom had always put sliced strawberries in the bottom of the champagne flutes to make it look extra special.
I made a quick stop at the store to grab some strawberries, and a Christmassy floral bouquet snagged my attention. The arrangement had white roses and red carnations, with glittery gold-painted pine cones mixed in with the greens. I picked it up after hesitating for a minute. In a way, this felt like a test for both of us. I needed to be able to act on my impulses and instincts without constantly worrying that I was going to piss him off. He needed to accept my offerings for what they were—a gift for someone who was special to me.
I arrived at his house the same time as Meredith. She grinned like the Cheshire Cat when she saw what I brought with me. “He invited you to dinner?” she asked.
“Yep.” My nerves about being there also extended to spending time with his friends. I wanted them to approve of me, but I knew I hadn’t given them much to like up to that point.
To my surprise, Meredith clapped gleefully, bouncing up and down. “It’s about damn time you morons start figuring things out. I’m so tired of him moping about.”
“He’s been moping?” It was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one. I felt hope bloom in my chest.
My question was met with an exaggerated eye roll. “I can’t even begin to describe it. Hell, he ran off to Florida for Thanksgi
ving to lick his wounds and I hoped he’d be better when he got back, but he wasn’t.”
So that was where he went. I had stopped by a few times to apologize in person for being an ass; for overreacting to the situation with Georgia and saying stupid things out of frustration. “He wasn’t the only one,” I assured Meredith.
“Even better,” she said, earning a confused look from me. “If you were both miserable then it means the attraction isn’t one-sided.” She stopped me just before she opened the back door to Josh’s house. “There will be no place on this planet that you can hide from me if you hurt him. Your badge won’t save you either. Understand?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Everyone needed a friend like Meredith in their corner.
The sound of soft music playing eased my nerves a bit, and the mouth-watering smells coming from his kitchen made my stomach growl, reminding me that I hadn’t had anything to eat since the pastry from The Brew. Josh was in the kitchen with his back to us when we went upstairs.
“Hey, handsome,” Meredith called out.
Josh spun around with a huge smile on his face until he saw me standing there beside Meredith. His smile faltered and my heart fell to my knees. His gaze shifted away from my eyes to what I held in my hands. “You didn’t have to bring anything,” Josh said when his eyes met mine again. I was happy to see his smile return, even happier that it was a more intimate smile, if not as grand as the one he bestowed upon Meredith.
“My mom always said it was bad manners not to bring something for your host,” I told him.
The three of us stood there awkwardly until Meredith said, “I’m going to set the table like I always do. You can oversee the drinks since you brought us booze, Gabe.”
“Okay,” I said, following her into the kitchen. “I’m going to need some champagne flutes and a knife.”
Meredith pulled down what she needed and what I had requested before she left me alone with Josh in the kitchen. “These are for you.” I held out the flowers to him.
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