Chaz’s lips twitched like he wanted to laugh but was too afraid. “Okay, but don’t use the word masturbation in that tone. It sounds so clinical, and I can’t take you seriously.”
“Deal.”
I felt slightly less nauseous and a tiny bit more hopeful that Kyle would forgive me when he handed me a beer and sat down next to me. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe I was out of the woods yet, nor did I deserve to be, but I thought it was a good sign that we were talking. He wanted me to go back to the beginning and start over so that was what I would give him.
I took a long drink of beer and said, “I already established that I created the fake gamer account so I could do research for my book. I’d played online video games before, but I didn’t grasp the concept of the gaming community as a whole or the ways they bonded and formed friendships. To be honest, I’m not even sure why the book idea came to me since gaming wasn’t my thing.”
“Maybe it was the serial killer part that appealed to you,” Kyle said sarcastically. I thought there was a good chance I’d killed any chance at a future with him, so maybe he wasn’t too far off the mark.
I ignored his comment and continued with my explanation. “My original outline involved an online dating app, but I didn’t think it sounded unique enough. I decided to switch it up. I thought I would create Drew, join the community, get the information I needed, and get out. That wasn’t what happened.”
“What happened?”
“I struck up this immediate connection with a gamer named Doc Paws. I started looking forward to the times I could steal away to spend with him and focused less on writing about the experience. I realized it was you once we started chatting privately. The small-town vet with an ex-boyfriend who started dating the gay salon owner gave you away. I couldn’t fucking believe that you were the one I connected with out of millions of online gamers. How was that even possible?”
“Why didn’t you tell me right then?” Kyle asked. “Why would you continue with the charade and allow our friendship to evolve enough that I thought meeting you was the next logical step? We had already clicked and—”
“No, Kyle,” I told him. “You didn’t click with me. You clicked with a successful man from Columbus who had his shit together, not some hair salon receptionist who might as well still be living at home.”
“You made up your name and occupation, Chaz, but the rest was all you.” Kyle shook his head then laughed dryly. “I should’ve known it was you by some of your outbursts. No one sticks their foot in their mouth like you do. I would’ve known it was you though if I’d heard your voice.”
“Like I said, I didn’t plan to stick around long enough to use those nifty headphones and cool gadgets. I just wanted an idea of how a relationship could develop; I didn’t plan to create one for myself.”
“So, you didn’t tell me that you were Drew because you felt inferior or something ridiculous, but why did you take it so far once you realized who I was?” Kyle asked me. By that, he meant the dirty messages we exchanged that led to us jerking off together.
“Honestly, I’d had the hots for you for so fucking long, Kyle. Knowing that I, or an extension of me, could get you hot and hard was a temptation I couldn’t refuse. I never thought that it would develop into genuine feelings. I panicked and bolted when I realized what I’d done. I was wrong, and I understand if you can’t forgive me.”
“Damn, I just can’t wrap my head around it, Chaz.” Kyle shook his head slowly. “The entire time I was messaging Drew, I felt this crazy connection to him like I knew him. He just got me. Then he and I—well you and I—started messing around together and it felt so damn right. I went to bed at night happy that I found someone then I would see you in town or at the salon and I felt this magnetic pull to you that made me forget Drew existed until later that night when we chatted again. I felt like a horrible fucking person for wanting two people at the same time. That was a cruel thing to do, Chaz.”
“I know,” I said softly.
“I don’t think that you do,” Kyle said. “I fell so damn hard for you twice, Chaz, and both times you rejected me instead of trusting me with the truth. Do you have any idea how much you…” Hurt him. Kyle stopped suddenly and shook his head. I did know because the sadness I heard in his voice was louder than his unspoken words. “I messaged you slash Drew every day, and you couldn’t even tell me that you weren’t interested or to fuck off? The only thing that hurt me worse was you walking away from me at the wedding.”
I saw how much I devastated him by my actions and I spent our separation in a constant state of self-loathing that led to sleepless nights and a constant state of misery. Kyle had offered me everything I ever wanted, but I threw it back in his face. I should’ve fallen on the sword and begged his forgiveness. A small hopeful voice whispered, maybe it’s not too late. “I’m sorry—”
Kyle wasn’t through and cut me off before I could finish my apology. “You made me feel like that unwanted, unlovable fat kid again.” He ran his hands roughly over his face then said, “God, Chaz, how are we supposed to work past this?”
I sat blinking at him for the longest time because surely I had misunderstood him. He sounded like we weren’t over and that perhaps he might give me another chance to redeem myself. Then his next words dashed my premature hope.
“I want to understand and forgive you. I want to get back to the way things were between us, but I don’t know if I can, Chaz. I’m just so… disappointed.” Ouch! It would’ve been much easier and less painful had he just been angry. Anger was sometimes easier to overcome once time had passed, but disappointment often lingered long after the tears dried. Who in their life hadn’t worked past their anger over a situation in their life, and who still wore the scars from disillusionment years, or even decades, later. His disappointment cut me to the bone, and his forlorn expression broke my heart in two. True to his compassionate nature, he was more concerned about upsetting me when he should’ve told me to take a hike.
I reached over and placed my hand over his. “You don’t owe me anything, Kyle. I was the one who betrayed your trust twice and ruined something incredible both times.” My voice broke, and I cleared my throat to get myself under control. I refused to cry in front of him and make him feel even worse. I needed to make things easier for him, not harder. I shook my head and stood up. “I’m not sure I deserve your forgiveness, but I damn sure don’t deserve a man like you.”
I started to walk away from him, but he reached out and snagged my hand. “Where are you going?” Kyle asked.
“I was going to walk home,” I replied.
“That last bit you just said was book worthy, but a total cop out,” Kyle said, tugging my hand until I sat down. “We definitely won’t patch things up if you keep running from me every time things get hard. Don’t just tell me you’re sorry and that you regret what you did; show me.”
I’d done just what he accused me of in the past, but it wasn’t my goal that night. I rejoiced in the fact that Kyle still held my hand and hadn’t recoiled from my touch. I’d never been one to gamble or take a leap, except when I published my book, and that wasn’t all that scary since I released it under a pen name. If my book had bombed, no one had to know. I could’ve just chalked it up to a life lesson and gone about my business. That night while looking into Kyle’s bottomless blue eyes, I felt braver than I ever had before in my life. I knew he might never forgive me, but I wouldn’t know unless I took a leap and tried. I boldly turned my hand over and linked my fingers with his.
“I wasn’t running this time,” I said softly. “I thought you could use some space and time to think.”
“I don’t think that’s what we need.” Kyle took a deep breath and released it slowly. “I know you, Chaz—or so I thought I did. You’re not a mean person who would deliberately hurt someone, so I’m having a hard time reconciling that with your actions. It makes me question if I truly know you beyond the little pieces of Drew and Chaz that you’ve shown me. There�
�s only one way to find out.” Kyle caressed the back of my hand with his thumb. “I think we have to start all over again.”
“You do?” I asked in surprise. His suggestion shocked me as much as his tender touch.
“I have to try, Chaz, because I’m not happy when you’re not here. I want to know everything there is to know about you, even the things you think are too stupid. And for once, I want you to walk toward me, not away from me,” Kyle said. “Are you willing to give it a shot?”
“Wow,” I said in awe. “You really are better than a book boyfriend. I don’t know what the hell I did to deserve you or this second chance, but…”
Kyle silenced me by pressing his finger gently over my lips. “I’m not some perfect boyfriend—fictional or otherwise—and if you keep thinking that, we’re destined to fail. Let’s be honest, your misguided ideas about me were the reason we’re in this mess. If not, we could’ve been together and happy this entire time. As for deserving forgiveness, it’s not like you killed someone. Wait, did you kill me off in your book?” He looked horrified at the thought, and I smiled fully for the first time that evening.
“Are you more worried that I made you the killer or that I killed you in the story?” I asked.
“I need to know the name of the book right now,” Kyle insisted. He opened the coffee table drawer, pulled out his Kindle, and set it on my lap.
“You’re not going to read it while I’m sitting here, are you?” I asked. The idea of Kyle reading my book worried me but being able to see his expressions while he did it was terrifying.
“No,” Kyle said. “Tonight is about talking.” He nodded at his tablet, indicating that he wanted me to download my book on it.
“I can give you a free copy,” I told him.
“A month from now?” Kyle asked. “Nope. Do it willingly, or I’ll play rough.” He flexed the fingers on his free hand in the air in a tickling gesture.
I swallowed hard because that wasn’t much of a deterrent, but I didn’t want Kyle to feel like he needed to tickle things out of me. If we were going to work, I would need to share every part of me with Kyle. I released his hand so that I could find and download my book onto his device. Once I finished, Kyle took the tablet back and lay it on the coffee table before he looped his arm around my neck and pulled me close. I lay my head on his chest and closed my eyes to fight off the tears of joy. He was giving me a chance, and I wouldn’t fail him again.
“Now tell me everything,” Kyle whispered.
I chuckled and asked, “Where do you want me to begin?”
“Wherever you’d like,” he responded.
My mind spun with what to tell Kyle first. Honestly, I thought I was quite possibly the most boring person in the entire world. I didn’t have cool hobbies or talents. I didn’t shine or sparkle, nor did I captivate anyone’s attention when I walked into a room. I was just… there.
“Start with your friendship with Josh and Mere. I’ve always admired how the three of you seamlessly mesh. Normally, three is a crowd, but it seems to work for the three of you,” Kyle remarked.
“Well, Josh and I have been best friends since preschool, and it was just the two of us until Mere moved to town our freshman year of high school,” I told Kyle. “I have to confess that I resented Mere’s presence at first. I had always been Josh’s go-to person, but he was captivated by her feisty nature right from the start. Suddenly, I didn’t know where I fit in his life anymore, and it shook me hard. They were two peas in a pod, and I felt like the unwanted carrot. I was awkward and shy to their bold and beautiful, so you can imagine how isolated I felt all of a sudden.”
“Wow, I never would’ve guessed that from looking at the three of you now. What changed?” Kyle asked.
“Well, my insecurities caused some petty fights between Josh and me that were always followed by awkward silences. One day at lunch, Mere slapped her hand on the table and said, ‘I’ve had enough out of you two idiots! Charles Hamilton, get your head out of your ass. Don’t you have any idea how much Josh loves you? Josh, quit being selfish and insensitive to the fact that your best friend in the whole world is feeling left out.’ Josh and I stared at each other for a few minutes before smiles slowly spread across our faces.” I laughed at the memory. “Josh looked at Mere and told her not to be so damn bossy, and I asked her not to bust our balls so hard. We’ve been right as rain ever since.”
“That’s really sweet,” Kyle said.
“Who were your childhood friends?” I asked him.
“I only had one,” Kyle said. “Not many classmates wanted to associate with the fat kid.” I listened to Kyle tell me about his friendship with Holly and how they even went to prom together. “You probably think that’s weird, huh?” he asked me.
“I went to prom with Josh one year and Mere the next, so I don’t think it’s weird at all,” I answered him.
Kyle didn’t respond right away, and I wondered if he’d fallen asleep suddenly or something. I raised my head and looked at him. He wasn’t asleep. Instead, he appeared lost in speculation. I was curious where his mind had taken him but didn’t interrupt him. I lay my head back against his chest and waited for him to tell me. It didn’t take long for drowsiness to kick in after the emotionally draining few weeks I’d had. I was just about to doze off when Kyle finally spoke. What he asked took me completely by surprise.
“Were you and Josh ever more than friends?”
“Are you asking if I’ve ever had sex with Josh or are you asking if my feelings ever ran deeper than friendship?” I asked for clarification.
“Both,” Kyle said hesitantly. “Is that okay that I asked?”
“You can ask me anything,” I replied, and I meant it. I would never keep another secret from Kyle. “Honestly, I did have a crush on Josh in third grade. I think I even told him I was going to marry him someday.”
“It never developed beyond a crush? Josh never so much as tried to kiss you?” Kyle sounded skeptical. “Your lips beg to be kissed.”
“Nope, no kisses,” I told him. “There were plenty of closeted or curious boys though so don’t worry that I wasn’t getting any action.”
Kyle growled a little in his throat. “We need to move onto another topic now.”
“I agree,” I told him. “It’s time you told me about your childhood.”
“We better get comfy because it’s a long story,” Kyle said. We shifted our bodies so that we lay facing each other on the couch. His bed would’ve been more comfortable, but we needed to work up to that again.
My heart broke listening to Kyle talk about his painful childhood memories. I wanted to transport back in time and kick the asses of anyone who hurt his feelings. “Who was your biggest bully?” I asked. I’d kill that fucker off in my next book.
“Jack Jones,” Kyle sneered.
“Jack Jones?” I asked. Granted, Kyle and his classmates were at least eight years older than me, so I had no idea what Jack looked like as a kid. I knew what Jack Jones had grown into as an adult, and I had to think that karma paid that dickhead back in a big way. “Wow, I bet he’s not laughing at you anymore.”
“He apologized to me at our last reunion, and I accepted it. I had stopped caring about what he thought about me a long time ago, but it was a nice gesture.”
“Tell me about your transformation years.” I was completely enthralled by his story.
“Well, one day I just decided that I wanted to change for me and I did. I read as many magazine articles as I could get my hands on at the library and started exercising. Once I saw a little bit of progress, it spurred me on to do more,” Kyle said. “I knew that only I could make the changes to have the life I wanted.”
We talked on for hours about everything and anything. I wasn’t foolish to think that one night of talking repaired the damage I caused, but I knew it was a good start. Even better, was Kyle holding me to him as we drifted off to sleep on the couch like he was afraid I would disappear again.
When I woke the n
ext morning, Kyle was sitting in the club chair next to the couch reading my book on his Kindle while drinking coffee. He looked over at me when he heard me sit up. “Chaz Bailey!” I smiled because only the Matrons and Mere ever used my first and middle names to address me. Usually, I was in trouble when they did; I hoped that wasn’t the case with Kyle. “ This is an incredible fucking book. I can’t put it down.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “I can see that your research into the gaming community paid off well and I love the damn dialogue. That snarky as fuck character reminds me of Josh a little bit.” I nodded because I put a little bit of Josh in that character. “You know what my favorite part is?” Kyle asked.
“Page one hundred and seventy-five?” I asked, referring to a particularly hot sex scene frequently mentioned in reviews.
“I’m not there yet,” Kyle told me. I could tell he was tempted to skip forward to that page.
“Okay, what was your favorite part so far?”
“Realizing that you didn’t make me the killer or murder victim and discovering that I truly do make an amazing book boyfriend,” Kyle said smugly.
“Yes, you do.”
“Do you have plans today?” I asked Chaz. I hoped we could continue what we started last night. I felt like he had finally dropped his guard and let me truly see him. I liked what I saw and didn’t want to let him go.
“I was just going to do some laundry before dinner at Josh and Gabe’s,” Chaz replied. “Um, you can come over if you like.”
“I like,” I remarked. “Do you mind if we stop for breakfast first? I feel like I haven’t eaten in a month.”
“You’re on,” Chaz replied. “My treat though.”
I started to argue, although I couldn’t say why, then told myself to forget it. If Chaz wanted to buy me breakfast, I was going to let him.
We arrived at Edson and Emma’s diner late enough to miss the pre-church crowd but early enough that the sinners were still sleeping, or so our waitress Daniella jokingly said when she came to the table. I didn’t need to look down at the menu to know what was available since the options had been the same my entire life. Of course, my breakfast wasn’t on the menu because Emma only whipped it up for me.
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