I sighed and nodded, “I know.” I agreed. Fuck. I knew this day would come one day – and now I had to come clean to my brother about the fact that I’d been lying to Mum and Dad since I was sixteen and ‘cured’ of my gayness... “He’s the best thing to ever happen to me but I’m not the guy for him – I’m really not what he needs...”
Buzz frowned, “Are you going to stop talking in riddles and tell me what the fuck is going on with you?”
I nodded, “I want you to be calm, okay?” I said.
His frown deepened and I really wished Franz was around to keep him from flying off the handle. No such luck today, though. Franz was busy doing something and unlike most nights where the dancers all milled around, pushing past each other to nick something from each other’s rooms, it was just the two of us.
“I uh, I’ve not been entirely honest with Mum and Dad for a few years now.” I looked down, but feeling as if my brother’s eyes were boring into the back of my head I looked back into his eyes through the mirror, “They uh, they think I’m straight, okay? So I can’t suddenly show up, six years after telling them I’d been confused and was definitely straight, with a boyfriend in tow.”
Buzz’s jaw dropped, “What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked, staring at me aghast, “You’ve never been fucking straight and they fucking know it!”
I couldn’t blame him. As far as he knew, I came out to them the year after he did – and they’d taken it in their stride, totally pissing Buzz off, since they’d thrown him out over his coming out...
I took a deep breath. He was about to go absolutely ape-shit... “They, uh, they kind of changed towards me once you left and it became obvious I wasn’t, uh, going through a ‘phase’.”
His jaw dropped, “A phase? What sort of a phase? Oh, come on. You’re not serious?” His eyes were flashing with anger now. Buzz was well annoyed –as I knew he would be.
And I was deadly serious but I was really trying to play it down. I shrugged, “Yeah, you know what they’re like – telling me it was unnatural – all the same shit that they levied at you actually – apart from the throwing me out bit. Mum wouldn’t let him do that while I was only fourteen – so they uh, compromised...”
Buzz frowned, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” he started and then his frown deepened, “hang on a minute, compromised how?”
Ohh, fuck, he really was gonna go nuts now... “They uh, they decided I needed therapy.” I mumbled, unable to meet his gaze this time.
“Therapy?” he asked, his voice came out like a flat growl, “What sort of fucking therapy?”
I sighed, looking back up at him sheepishly, “It wasn’t all that bad. They sent me to cadets, Buzz.” I said, “Said I needed to spend time with ‘real’ boys.” I smiled at the memory of them sending me somewhere that they thought would straighten me out, “It was pretty cool – most of the guys there were as queer as I was. I was in a threesome for a while with two other guys – they’re still a couple as far as I know. I had a fucking great time there.”
His frown softened, “Perv.” He said with a grin, “But I’ll bet that was fun.”
I nodded, “It was.” Hell it had been absolutely awesome – apart from the jealousy thing I had going on. I’d been more attracted to Tim than I was to Angus but it was clear to me that Tim and Angus preferred each other and as happy as they were to include me in their games, there was no way Tim was ever going to give up on Angus to pursue a relationship with me. I was happy to leave them to it. I’m sure being in a threesome worked for some guys but I was clearly not cut out for it. I was a one-man-only sort of a guy. I just wanted to be with Bailey – but had I totally blown it? Probably... story of my life...
“I’ll talk to the olds and sort this shit out,” he growled, “But you seriously need to talk to Bailey – the poor guy’s in pieces because you didn’t invite him to Darcy’s party.”
I stared at him, “Fuck – how the hell did he find out about that?” I asked. But from the look on Buzz’s face, I was beginning to understand.
“I’m sorry for dropping you in it, mate.” He said with a sigh, “I just assumed he’d been double booked or something. I asked him where he’d gotten to.”
I nodded. Of course he’d ask him. Buzz was as honest as the day was long. It simply wouldn’t occur to him that I’d been lying through my teeth for years about myself.
Buzz was looking at me with exasperation mixed with sympathy and a little amusement, “I knew something was up – you fucking idiot. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me when they turned on you? I would have totally found you a room at my place even if you were only a kid then – and why the fuck did you ever go back home after you finished uni when you knew I had a permanent place by then?”
I shrugged. I couldn’t speak, I had a lump in my throat and I was feeling a little tearful. I had no answers and now that he’d pointed out all of the stupid things I’d allowed to happen – I felt pretty damned stupid.
He shook his head, “Well, when you next go home – pack your fucking bags – you’re not staying there being suffocated another minute – you’re moving in with me. You know I’ve got a spare room at mine – since it was your room for a while anyway. I promise you that Franz won’t mind – you never had to move out in the first place, you dick.”
My jaw dropped, “Are you sure?” I asked. Surely Franz would prefer them to have the place to themselves? And what about Darcy? She’d be really pissed off at me leaving her with them on her own...
He nodded, “I’m absolutely sure. They’ve fucked us up for long enough, mate.” He said, “We’ll go back together and talk to them. Once you’re safely out of their clutches – and Darcy has to move out too – before they fuck her over too.”
My eyes started to fill with tears, “I love you, man.” I said, throwing my arms around his neck and giving him a hug, “You’re the best brother ever, do you know that?”
He mumbled something but I didn’t catch what he said. I think he was kind of pleased though.
“Can I bring Rocky with me?” I mumbled into his neck.
He chuckled, “Of course you can – the more the merrier, mate.”
“Ready to go and face the folks?”
I nodded. I wasn’t really. I was shitting bricks. They were going to freak. I’d moved all of my stuff out without them noticing over the last few days and I was actually only going back to tell them the truth about myself and to fetch Rocky.
Buzz was looking at me, “I know what you’re going through.” He said, “I can pretty much guess word for word what you’re thinking – but listen – they’re just two people and they can’t tell you how to run your life. Okay?”
I nodded, “I know you’re right. And rationally I can see that they’re just two people – but they’re also two massive monsters in my sub-conscience – two massive monsters that tell me how to live and make me feel disgusting and perverted for feeling the way I feel.”
He nodded, “I know.” He said, “I spent years feeling as if I was a freak and wrong for being the way I am – but it’s not wrong, Simon. We’re just not straight – that’s all.” He sighed, “We love, just like they do – we just don’t love the opposite sex, we love men – it’s not a fucking crime. What is a crime is making us feel less for the way we are. They’re the ones in the wrong – not us.”
I nodded, “I know.” I said, “Let’s go and get it over with.”
He smiled and squeezed my arm, “Let’s do it.” He agreed.
I climbed onto the back of his motorbike and we made our way to Mum and Dad’s...
*
“Oh, hello boys,” Mum greeted us at the front door. “What a lovely surprise.”
Buzz nodded, “Hi, Mum.” He said, “Is Dad in?”
She nodded, “He’s just doing something in the garage.” She said, “Shall I put the kettle on?”
Buzz nodded, “Sure.”
I still hadn’t said a word. I felt sick. I had no idea how to broac
h the subject of my sexuality – and I was beginning to wonder why I was even here at all. Let them live in ignorance if they wanted to – what did it matter to me anymore? I had found the love of my life in Bailey and if they never met him, so what?
But then I thought about Bailey. Bailey would want me to do this – to acknowledge that I was committed to us as a couple. I cleared my throat, “Uh, Mum.” I said, amazed at how normal my voice sounded to say I was cringing with fear on the inside, “I need to talk to you and Dad about a couple of things.”
She turned sharply. “What about?”
She knew. She knew exactly what was coming – and so would Dad. The selfish bastards...
“If you could get Dad in, I’ll make the coffee, and Buzz and I will meet you both in the lounge.”
She tittered, “Ooh, very mysterious.” She said, but I could see the look in her eye and her laugh was forced.
Buzz smiled at me, “It’s gonna be fine, mate.” He said, “You’re doing really well.”
I nodded, “They’re gonna freak.” I whispered.
Buzz nodded, “Yup.” He agreed.
*
I walked into the lounge with two coffees – mine and Buzz’s.
Buzz followed with Mum and Dad’s and he put them down in the table in front of them.
“What’s all this, then?” Dad asked, looking up at me, “What’s with the family meeting?”
I sat down and took a sip of my coffee. “I wanted to tell you that I’d met someone who’s really important to me and that I’ve fallen in love for the first time in my life.”
Mum’s jaw dropped open, “Well, that’s lovely, darling,” she said, smiling at me, “And what’s her name?” she asked.
I narrowed my eyes. She was practiced in this behaviour. The fact that she’d immediately jumped in and asked her name was on purpose... She was trying to undermine my confidence. Well, not this time. “His name is Bailey.” I said and I was proud of myself for finally standing my ground.
Dad stood up, “We discussed this a while ago.” He growled, “And you promised us that you weren’t going down the same road as him.” He nodded towards Buzz with a look of annoyance.
Buzz looked back at him, “Do you seriously think he was ‘going down the same road’ out of choice, Dad? Still? After all this time?”
Dad snorted and sat back down, “Do as you like.” He muttered, “It’s makes no difference to me.”
Mum was in tears, “Well, I can’t say that I’m not disappointed,” she started, which was par for the course. She was always disappointed one way or another. “Why do you want to torture me like this?”
My stomach turned over. Torture her? What the actual fuck? “Right.” I said, “I just thought you’d like to know that I was happy – clearly that was a mistake, so I won’t take up anymore of your time – oh, apart from one other little thing. While I’m disappointing you, you might as well know that I got my degree in Art and Design, not engineering – and I’m opening my own tattoo parlour. Oh, and I’m taking Rocky with me. See you guys around.”
I shot out of my seat without looking at either of them and headed for the front door. Rocky bounding around me and Buzz right behind me, providing a barrier between me and Rocky, and my squawking mother telling me that I wasn’t allowed to take the dog.
We got on his bike and rode in silence all the way back to his flat. Rocky wedged between us, as good as gold. I guessed he knew he was being rescued...
Once Buzz stopped the bike and we’d both got off, we looked at each other and burst out laughing.
“Simon,” Buzz said, “That was fucking awesome, mate – I love you, bro’,”
I hugged him, “I love you too, mate.” I said, “Thanks for making me do that – I feel... freed.”
He grinned at me, “You know what,” he said, “They’re the disappointing ones – not us.”
I nodded, “I know.’ I said softly, “But it still hurts that she feels that she can say things like that.” I felt that she was disappointed in me unjustly. Bailey’s disappointment in me for denying my sexuality was understandable – and I’d taken steps to put that right now. Mum’s attitude was just shitty and selfish.
Buzz shrugged, “She’s disappointed in her whole life.” He said, “Pay her no attention. You’ve got to live your life the way you see fit – not the way they see fit.”
I nodded, “Yeah,” I agreed, “You’re right.”
Chapter 16 – Stewing...
Bailey
Following my heart-to-heart with Richard and my subsequent failure to talk to Simon about it, I’d gone from feeing hurt and disappointed in him to silently fuming the more I stewed over it – and yes, I did still stew over it, despite Richard’s best efforts to get me to talk things through sensibly – what can I say? I was a terrible procrastinator – and a terrible stewer...
After the way Joss had treated me, making me feel worthless and knocking my confidence for six, I’d vowed never to be fucked around again. So now, every one of my instincts for protecting my heart was telling me to bail on Simon. Richard was right. I should either talk to him about his issues or to just forget the whole thing – but I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t as if he was cheating on me – well, I didn’t think he was – he was just closeted and I knew that wasn’t a great basis for a relationship but I really liked him. He was funny, charming and call me shallow – incredibly attractive. I just had no idea why he didn’t want to introduce me to the rest of his family – and I had no idea why he kept disappearing off on his own whenever he was away from the bar and never letting on where he was going. That was beginning to bug me more than the family thing...
Thankfully, Buzz finally put me out of my misery by telling me exactly what was going on with him – and where he was going when he was never around. Once I’d been enlightened, I had no idea why Simon hadn’t just told me himself – so then that started to bug me too...
“He’s visiting our friend, Seth in hospital – and you don’t have to give me that look,” he chuckled as I felt my face redden. I really had been looking at him as if Simon was in love with Seth, “he really is just a friend – of all of ours.” Buzz smiled a little too understandingly, making me feel horribly embarrassed.
“So why not just tell me where he’s going?”
Buzz shrugged, “He’s kind of private.” He said, “And a bit shy, if truth be told – maybe he’s just not sure of you yet. I’m guessing he hasn’t told you about being sent to straight camp, either, has he?”
My jaw dropped, “You’re kidding?” Holy shit. He really hadn’t told me anything about himself. I kicked myself mentally for sharing too much about myself too soon.
Buzz shook his head, his face grave, “Mum and Dad are... intense – and a pair of fucking idiots if I’m gonna be completely honest with you. They went ape shit when I came out and I was really pissed off when they seemed to just accept it from him – little did I know that once they realised he was serious and that he really was gay, they told him to shape up or ship out, too.”
I frowned. I wanted him to be sure of me and to be able to confide in me. I hadn’t given him any reason to doubt my intentions... Maybe I should be more worried about his real feelings for me. If he really did want me in his life, surely he’d want to open up? Maybe I was just a stopgap and being used. Story of my fucking life...
Buzz patted my shoulder, “I’ve heard nothing but good things about you – hang in there, buddy. His walls will come down and then you’ll be made for life – if of course you want it.”
I nodded. God I hoped he was right. I felt a little pathetic wanting it so much to happen but I couldn’t help the way I felt about him. I’d fallen for him pretty hard... “I want it.” I whispered, “You’ve no idea how much.”
He smiled and nodded, “Believe me, dude,” he said, “I have a pretty good idea.”
I’d come to work with the intention of confronting Simon again, but now that I’d talked to Buzz, most of the fight
had gone out of me and I just really needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him the way I was feeling and I needed to know how he really felt about me – to see if we had any sort of a future together because right now, I’m not gonna lie, I was floundering.
*
I finally got a chance to talk to him about it right at the end of the night. It was late and we were both tired – not the best combination for a heart-to-heart... I was crabby because it was student night and I’m not gonna lie, young, horny guys were pretty damned obnoxious at the best of times, but tonight they seemed to be out just to fucking irritate me and I’d had it up to here with them all.
“Thank God that’s over.” I heaved a sigh and tossed my dish-towel onto the bar with a little more force than was necessary, “Nearly all the punters tonight were fucking annoying.”
Simon, who had been sitting at the end of the bar, sipping a beer, raised his eyebrows, “Everything okay, babe?”
Well, this was my chance... “Not really.” I bit my lip. I avoided confrontation of any kind if I could – but this was the difference between Simon and I having a future together or not, “Can we talk? Or is it too late?”
Simon misunderstood that I was actually talking about the lateness of the hour as opposed to things being too bad between us to save... bless him, “Oh, God.” He ran his hand through his hair and stared at me in horror, “Please don’t say that – I’ve been a total tit, I know it – but don’t give up on us, please...”
My jaw dropped. My heart started to beat a little harder, “I’m not...”
He was round the end of the bar and holding me in his arms in a heartbeat, “Can I kiss you?” he asked.
I nodded, “Of course you can, I didn’t mean...”
Simon... Spellbound Page 6