by S. K Munt
‘I would move heaven and earth for you if I could, Larkin! I have, and I will again! But if you can’t believe that now, then what are we?’
I gaped at the statue, pressing my fingers to the glass and breathing clouds of breath in my excitement. He loved me! He would do anything for me and if he could deliver on the promises that he’d never made, then he would certainly deliver on the ones that he had! He was sixteen and we were young but his devotion was already timeless… so what would it be if I gave myself to him? If I surrendered to the circumstances of this life and loved him as bravely as he had loved me?
I turned on my heel and opened my bedroom door, a grin on my face so wide that it could have rivalled Lady Liberty’s. The hall was dark and my breathing haggard and yet they didn’t hear me, nor did I see them, until I was practically on top of them.
‘… It was my pleasure…’ Emmerly was whispering to Kohén as she fussed with the buttons on his shirt- the ones I’d been touching. She was glowing- and covered only by a sheet, and he was ducking his head and running his hands down her waist. ‘And an honour I’ve waited a very long time to receive.’
‘No, the pleasure was mine,’ he whispered, and then leaned in and kissed her cheek. The moonlight filtered through the window at the end of the hall behind me so that I could see how the warmth of his smile and the sheen of perspiration covering them both. ‘Thank you, Emmerly. I am sorry to leave so quickly but-’
‘I understand, your highness… it has been a long week for us all.’ She touched his lips again, and the heavy gold bangle on her wrist slid down her forearm. ‘You’ll come again soon, won’t you?’
‘Tomorrow,’ he promised her, then kissed her lips and I couldn’t have helped the strangled sound that escaped from my throat if I’d bitten down on my arm. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing- I’d decided to smash a lifetime’s worth of dreams to take a risk on a boy, who had gone from sobbing over me to giving his virginity to… my stomach buckled- I was going to scream, or faint or throw up and if I did, Kohén would never forgive me for making my disgust clear.
Their heads turned and when Kohén saw me, his eyes widened. ‘Larkin!’ my name sounded weird in that gurgled garble and ruined it for me forever. ‘I thought you had turned in for the-’ he stopped speaking and turned to me, and I saw Emmerly grow rigid and surly beside him. I’d ruined something for her, something important.
A Companion is never to claim possession of her master. He must be free and unencumbered by your affections. Give one another respect and space and it will be given back.
‘I-’ the words: ‘I love you, so make love to me!’ had been stuck in my throat but now I choked on the lie. I flailed, my brain and body splitting in two.
You are never to use the world love, outside of lover. You adore him, you are devoted to him- you desire him but you do not say love and pressure him to say it back.
‘I-’ he stepped- no staggered forward again, and he looked so startled that it would have been comical under any OTHER circumstance. Any but this one.
You broke my heart! I wanted to scream. I came to give it to you but- now I am DYING!
No, you are a FOOL who forgot herself! Remember what Martya said! Loving you makes no difference! Nor does your beauty! Nor does your brain! His favour can change! You are here for SEX and if you do not give it to him, he will get it from her, it is his right. It is wrong but it is his world, and his right.
I understood then more than I had ever understood before, that the world was wrong, but it was my world and until I could create a better one, I had to survive this one. Kohén’s betrayal was crippling me, but if I acted jealous and then closed my door to him, I would anger him. I had told him no. I had told him to leave. I had listened to him sob and suffer in the hall and I had been strong enough to block him out- to weep now and expect him to comfort me would be selfish.
The fact that he’d given me Lady Liberty had changed something, but only for me. Obviously he’d waited to see if seeing my gift had changed my mind, but when I hadn’t responded, he’d probably been more disappointed than any man could be. He’d warned me that we would quarrel, and I had promised that I would forgive him and now here we were one hour later and if I flew into a jealous rage and let him see how much I hated him for making me feel the way I did, I’d cease to be his friend and become the emotional, irrational and wishy-washy tease who got herself kicked out first, or worse.
He told you the other night that he needed sex, and you understood. That was the romantic deal-breaker then. This hurts but you needed to see it- it’s a miracle, but it may have just saved you from yourself. So smile, be his friend and let her be his thing. You mean enough to him to move that statue across the continent, but not enough to be faithful to you. Accept that and recover this moment before it ruins what you do have.
‘I saw the present,’ the words flew out of my mouth, and though they sounded strange, they stopped Kohén in his tracks.
‘Larkin-’
‘I love it,’ I went on, and hoped that my face wasn’t as wet as it felt. I wasn’t even sure if it was tears of a cold sweat but my temperature felt so high that I was certain I’d boil mercury. ‘More than loved it. It’s… it’s truly a miracle. You’re… you’re very gracious your highness. Generous. You’re…’ my eyes flitted to Emmerly, who still looked like she wanted to kill me for stealing her spotlight. I turned back to Kohén and whispered the lie: ‘The best friend a girl could ask for.’
‘Larkin…’ Kohén looked like he was going to cry and though I knew he should be ashamed, I knew that his shame wasn’t something I deserved. It was Emmerly’s right- she was the one who’d been used.
‘And I came to say that I- I can’t wait…’ I hurried on, and his eyebrows shot up in shock. ‘To, to get past the…’ I swallowed. ‘Whenever you’re ready to kick around a ball again, so am I. Please, call on me at your leisure, your highness.’
His face fell in disappointment and that was reward enough for me. And then I turned on my heel and disappeared back into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me and locking it tight. I heard him talking in a loud, agitated voice and turned on the record player again far as it could go, wondering if I was going to burn alive in my own skin, and when he started rapping softly- softly enough as not to be heard by Emmerly- I knew that I would. I went to the window, threw it open and tore the vine off the trellis as I did, and then tumbled over the sill and landed in the dewy garden beneath it. I stayed on my hands and knees for a moment and sucked in a breath that wouldn’t fill my lungs- I was going to hyperventilate if I waited for my anguish to pass, so I bowed my head and cried.
‘Larkin…’
I looked up and when I saw Kohén kneel before me, my soul shattered too. Was there no escaping him? But then he took my hands and pulled me into his arms and I knew straight away from his scent that it wasn’t Kohén, but Kohl.
‘Ssh…’ he whispered, sitting on the ground and cradling me while stroking my hair. ‘Ssh… anything that can make you cry like this isn’t worth a single tear.’
I sobbed harder because he was wrong, but he wouldn’t have it. He turned my face to his and wiped my tears away and he was so like Kohén that I could barely stand it. ‘I came to wish you a happy birthday and give you another present,’ he said softly. ‘But um…’ he glanced towards the statue of Liberty and smiled. ‘That’s pretty hard to top. If it counts though, I helped assemble it. We all did- me, dad, Kohén, Karol, Coaxley…and like, another hundred people. Or so...’
I cried harder.
‘Okay so maybe you didn’t want her as bad as Kohén thought then, no biggie… I have a back-up.’ Something was pressed into my hand and I looked at it, blinking for a moment- it was a jar full of fireflies. ‘Happy Birthday. It took me a while, but there are sixteen in there. That’s sixteen wishes you get to make.’ I looked into the glass and wanted to cry. They were so beautiful and so thoughtful, but they were already fading. I couldn’t speak, but Kohén moved an
d unscrewed the lid. ‘Now, they’re not going to last much longer… so wish quickly, okay?’ He shook the jar lightly and the little blinking lights immediately began to lift, sensing the way out even though through the glass, they’d probably had no idea how to find one before. As they levitated above us, I watched in wonder and my heart lifted, even as the relentless, silent tears for Kohén’s betrayal continued to stream down my cheeks.
‘Did you make a wish?’
‘I didn’t have to…’ I whispered, resting my head against his shoulder ‘You made me think they could all come true when you unscrewed that lid.’
Kohl stared down at me, and now his eyes were the neon ones. ‘Did you, by any chance… ever wish that I would write you too? Like… all the time?’
I nodded.
Kohén grinned. ‘What a coincidence- that was the wish I made at the gazebo last Saturday night.’
‘Larkin?’ the sound of Kohén’s agitated voice suddenly rang across the grounds. ‘Larkin?!’
My heart started and I looked to Kohl in panic, but he was already standing and twisting, putting me back in my bedroom window.
‘He’s going to be mad if he finds you out here!’ I spluttered as I got inside and turned back to him.
Kohl grinned at me. ‘Frankly my dear…I don’t give a damn.’
And then he shut my window, and I did the last thing I’d expect to do that day- and giggled.
35.
When I awoke the next morning, it took me a few bleary minutes to work out where I was and how I had gotten there and before I could, my abdomen contracted in anguish. In panic, I lifted my dress and it all started to come back to me: the procedure, the move, the brothers, the bliss, the heartache, the thrill… the heartbreak. The heartbreak. The heartbreak…
I couldn’t see the device, but I could feel it and I rolled onto my stomach and squeezed my head as the intimate memory of how it had gotten inside me came hand in hand of how Kohén had touched me- then how he had looked when he’d kissed Emmerly. I squeezed and squeezed but the memory didn’t leave me so I groaned, trying to get the agony out verbally and paced my room, wondering how I was ever going to brave opening that door again now I knew what horrors could lie on the other side of it.
After a few frantic minutes, I realised that I couldn’t open the door. No way, no how could I walk out there. Kohén had whispered the word: ‘Tomorrow’ to Emmerly and it was tomorrow and he could be out there. And to add insult to internal injury, Emmerly would be telling everyone about how she’d earned herself a shiny new golden bangle- and the prince’s virginity on the same day that his so-called ‘favourite’ had come of age. Not later that day either- but an hour after, as though he’d run to her, fleeing me. It was a relief to me and a saving grace, but anyone in the castle who learned of it would be mortified on my behalf. They’d think that something had gone wrong with the examination, or that I’d been too much of a wreck, or that Kohén had been turned off by me and I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone knowing that the girl who’d earned herself a statue with her looks had warranted a cold bed with her bared sex. No, the only way I could last five years in here, unadorned, was to hold my head high and with pride, and make such a show of devotion to Kohén that they would think him mad for turning away from me, and never EVER suspect that he had hurt me beyond measure.
Thinking quickly, I moved to the suitcase that had gotten into my room at some point during the night (so much for lockable doors, for there was a covered tray on a little table by the door as well!) and pulled out the Boll-Weevil book. It was a warm morning, it was early and the sky outside was bright and so I made use of my window for a second time and climbed out of it after taking a Danish from the tray.
Ahh, the perks of being a Companion at last! Only three elective classes a week, no more public dining and a private bathroom! This could be worth it yet!
Then I saw the toga wrapped around Lady Liberty again and glowered. Okay, maybe not. By the time I had completed my sentence, I was going to have some serious issues with apparel!
I hadn’t taken the time to wash my face or anything the night before but the Companion paint that was done on people was supposed to withstand an excess of sweaty, grunting activity (apparently often in water) and so I didn’t bother checking my appearance before I threw open my sash, unbolted the lattice and crossed the lawn. No one was around yet- not even the gardeners- and knowing that Emmerly would expect me to hide and that Kohén would try to corner me alone, I sashayed to the very centre of the rolling grounds and plunked myself down at Lady Liberty’s feet. I wanted to hide, I wanted to die, and I really wanted to check on Lindy- but I needed to be seen as ‘okay,’ more. I rolled onto my stomach and pretended to read while munching on my delicious Danish (we hadn’t had fresh fruit with breakfast as we’d always had in the past for a whole month) but really, only one word per sentence penetrated through my whirling thoughts, and when I heard the rear doors to the castle open, I shrivelled on the inside and then breathed out in one long exhalation.
‘Do you have any idea what you put me through last night?’
I didn’t look up at Kohén, but turned the pages. ‘By sitting in my room like I was supposed to?’
‘By locking me OUT of your room.’ Kohén sounded beyond pissed off.
‘That’s impossible,’ I said. ‘You have a key on your ring.’
‘I’d never use it to disturb your privacy! But I knocked and knocked and-’
‘I wouldn’t have heard you,’ I said lazily, turning the page and already feeling tears build behind my eyes. Damn him and his concern! ‘I had a long bath with the music on- it was really rather lovely. In fact, the suite is beautiful. The only thing I’m going to miss in the dormer really, is Lindy.’ I glanced at him. ‘Did you see her yesterday? She was feeling rather ill in the morning and-
‘Larkin!’ Kohén made a disgruntled noise and sat beside me. ‘No I have not seen your maid- she asked for yesterday off only I supposed it was because she was grieving for you.’
‘Oh?’ Oh no! Oh no! Was something wrong with the baby, her, or both? I felt wretched but I prayed that if anything went dastardly wrong, it would be the infant who perished and not my surrogate mother. A cloud moved across the sun and I felt an unusual chill inside me, remembering something I’d heard about a meeting being held after service to pass judgement on a woman who had tried to ‘lose’ her third-born infant.
‘Yes- Elfin was quite put out to have to iron her own dress. But must we discuss health and amenities? Haven’t you anything else to say to me?’
I had nothing to say that he would want to hear and yes, I did want to discuss Lindy but the way he’d called her ‘your maid’ made it pretty clear that he’d never consider her health a worthy topic. I breathed in through my nose and then looked up, almost wincing when I saw how clear and pale Kohén’s eyes were. He was like another person!
He is. You don’t know this guy from Adam, Eve!
‘I thought I was making my gratitude clear in the hall last night, if that is what you wish to discuss.’ I aimed a finger to the statue above me and smiled. ‘I love her. In fact, I may never leave this spot ever again!’
Kohén buried his face in his hands. ‘I’m not talking about the freaking statue…’
‘I imagine you’re the only one.’ I pushed up and looked around me, smiling gently. ‘I can’t wait to see how she looks from the beach! Let me know the next time you go surfing, okay? I want that perspective.’ My tummy rolled but I forced out the next words. ‘Unless you have company of course…I imagine that Emmerly is eager to take her new boat and the prince for a spin at once.’
‘Lark…’ Kohén complained my name, then pressed his hand on top of mine- and then changed his mind and tugged on it so that I practically collapsed into his lap. He turned my face to his and stared into me, and through me. ‘That’s what we need to discuss! You have to know that I never would have… have-’
‘Fucked Emmerly?’ I supplied, and I sw
ear that Kohén’s face went purple. I smiled and this time it was a genuine one because I liked watching him suffer. ‘Of course you would have- you always would have and now that we both understand that, this friendship is about to get a lot less complicated, isn’t it?’
‘I love-’
‘The sound of your own fucking voice if you even TRY to throw those words at me again!’ I snapped, and he flinched, his eyes filling with tears. ‘No, do NOT cry on me Kohén- be a leader. If fucking other girls is what it’s gonna take for you to do it, then so be it but do not try and feed me the word love or you WILL lose me as a friend.’
‘Lark-’
‘Your highness,’ I jerked his arm off my elbow as soon as he had grabbed it. ‘I know you came out here to explain or apologize but let me save you your pride okay? You don’t have to. I did not offer you my body as you hoped and therefore, you cannot offer me your devotion. I knew this at the ball and any shock I experienced last night to see it proven was my fault, not yours. Just don’t insult me by trying to claim devotion now! I’ve pledged you my loyalty and you’ve promised me a future- that is all I expect to discuss with you as far as ‘we’ go from now on!’
‘So that’s it?’ he demanded, looking ill. ‘One slip-up, and you just…’
‘Turn my back on the boy who brought me this?’ I pointed to the statue again and forced my smile. ‘Never. You had my heart without sleeping with me, and that is something else I explained at the ball. I’m a girl. It’s… different.’
Different because I’d rather skin cats then pay someone for sex, you louse!