by Jodi Thomas
“You need to see Cody,” Sarah answered.
“I don’t know….”
“Don’t let Matthew and me stop you.” Determination echoed in Sarah’s voice. “I feel he’s right for you, Kat. You have to give it a chance.”
“Do you feel it all the way to your bones?” Kat tried to make light of Sarah’s suggestion.
“All the way to my heart,” Sarah answered. “If you’re hesitating because of me, I won’t have it.”
Katherine suddenly saw a resoluteness in Sarah that had never existed before. Somehow Bart’s death, the baby, the hardship, had forged a strength within her.
“It’s not because of you and the baby.” Kat tried to sound convincing. For one instant she saw the reflection of herself in Sarah’s gentle blue eyes and wondered who needed whom the most. Perhaps she wasn’t the crutch but the crippled. Cody’s gift of a year would give her the answer. “It wouldn’t be right to go to him,” Kat added. “He’s not ready for ties.”
“Sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the right reason.” Sarah was looking at Kat, but her mind seemed far away. “At least let him know you’ll be here when he gets back.”
Or the right thing for the wrong reason, Kat wanted to add, but she said for Sarah’s benefit, “It wasn’t right between us. We’re both too young to know what we want. Men like him don’t settle down. All he thinks about is flying, and I want roots.” She almost added, “To make a home for you and Matthew,” but she stopped herself. None of this was Sarah’s fault. Somehow their problems had started with her lie. “I need time to think. I feel as if I’ve been on a merry-go-round moving too fast for months.”
“Cody won’t wait forever.”
“I know,” Katherine whispered.
Sarah’s expression showed her sympathy for Katherine. “Someday you’ll find the kind of love I found with Bart.” She looked out the window into the morning sun. “Sometimes I can still feel him, as if he’s not dead, as if he’s out there somewhere thinking of me just as I am of him. Maybe he’s in heaven waiting for me and watching Matthew grow each day.”
Katherine fought back a sob as Sarah continued, “I’ll never love another. It would cheapen what we had those few months.”
Katherine patted her friend’s shoulder and quietly left Sarah to her own thoughts.
A few minutes later she forced herself to smile as she walked into Dr. Lockhart’s office. He was searching through papers and didn’t notice her. His white-blond hair brushed his glasses as he worked. He was still in his early twenties, but because of his poor eyesight, he bent over like an old man to look at everything.
“Morning, Dr. Lockhart,” Katherine said.
Daniel jumped at the sudden interruption. He looked up frustrated, then smiled when he noticed her. “Oh, Katherine. Welcome.” He stood, spilling his papers and knocking some of them to the floor.
Kat knelt to help him pick up his things. “I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to startle you, Dr. Lockhart.”
Daniel accepted the papers. “It’s not your fault, Nurse McMiller.” He looked nervous. “I just get so busy reading I push everything else away, even sounds.” He tried to organize the files, but couldn’t seem to get his long, thin fingers to cooperate with one another.
Katherine felt she should help him before the poor man had a heart attack. They would never be able to work together if he couldn’t even talk to her without blushing and dropping things.
“Do you think we could start over?” Before he had time to answer, Kat stepped back out of the office and knocked on the open door. “May I come in, Doctor?”
Daniel laughed. “Of course.” He straightened to his full height and offered his hand. “I’m Daniel, If we’re going to work together I’d like to start off as friends.”
Kat accepted his hand. “My friends call me Kat.”
His light blue eyes danced with pleasure. “I’d like very much to be the friend of the great Katherine. The student nurses talk about you as if you can work miracles. But if you don’t mind, I’ll call you Katherine. It fits you somehow, and my father said never allow folks to shorten your name; it lessens your value.”
Katherine nodded. “Is your dad any relation to Miss Willingham?”
“What?”
Daniel didn’t understand her comment and Katherine didn’t want to explain. She could tell he was still nervous, for he was still shaking her hand, but at least they were talking. “Forget it.” She changed the subject. “I’m afraid my reputation may have been exaggerated.”
Daniel shook his head. “You delivered Sarah’s baby and then went back to work double shifts in a place where most nurses couldn’t handle a single day’s work.”
“I had a little help with the baby.” Katherine pulled her hand back. “And sometimes folks just do what they have to do.”
The look in Daniel’s eyes told her he was determined to see her as a heroine. “Well, Katherine, shall I show you the hospital?”
“Please.” Katherine wasn’t willing to tell him that she’d grown up in these wings and already knew every room better than he ever would.
Daniel slowly relaxed as they moved from station to station. His intelligence surprised Katherine. By the end of the morning she wondered if he was one of those doctors who knew every theory but had no healing power in his hands.
As he walked her back to the dorm, he grew silent for several steps before he finally said, “Katherine, I enjoyed this morning. I think we’ll work well together.”
Kat smiled up at the thin man whose almost white hair was blowing in his face. “I’m sure we will,” she answered. She’d almost forgotten how young he was after hearing him talk all morning of medical advances. Something about his light eyes made him seem like an old man inside a young body. “Good day, Daniel.”
“Good day, Katherine.”
* * *
The weeks passed into months. Katherine found it pleasant to work beside Miss Willingham, Sarah, and even Daniel, but sometimes she’d catch herself looking up to watch the clouds. Cody’s letters came regularly from different parts of the country, each one carefully addressed to both her and Sarah, with no personal note to Katherine. As the year ended, Katherine’s longing for Cody remained an unhealed wound in her heart that bled only in the darkness when she was alone, making her hate the absence of light even more than she had as a child.
Winter passed slowly, draped in dreary rainy days. Katherine walked down the icy pathway toward the hospital one morning thinking of the last time she’d held Cody. He glided so easily through her dreams that sometimes it took her hours after waking to push his memory into the corners of her mind.
“Morning.” Sarah hurried up from behind her. “You’re out early.”
Katherine tried to pull herself back to the real world. “I thought I’d have breakfast with Daniel before class.”
Sarah nodded, glad Kat showed some interest in a man, even if it was Dr. Lockhart. Not that he was so bad, Sarah reminded herself. He was a kind man, but his love for life was folded inside the covers of his books. He seldom talked to anyone except Kat.
“I had breakfast with Matthew. In fact I’m wearing some of it.” She pointed to an oatmeal stain on her apron.
“How is our darling little Matthew this morning?” Kat tried to allow Sarah her private time with Matthew in the mornings.
“When I left, Miss Willingham was talking to him about which college he planned to attend.”
“Has he decided?” Kat tried to sound serious.
“Not yet.” Sarah held the back door of the hospital open for Kat. “I think he’s more interested in trying to cut his first tooth on the arm of her rocker.”
“I’m sure he’ll decide as soon as he has time.” Kat laughed. “Between Miss Willingham and Dr. Farris, he’ll be enrolled in a good school by the time he learns to walk.” In the past year Matthew Rome had been more work than Kat had ever dreamed one little baby could be. He’d also been more joy. Sarah’s love for him wa
s limitless, but she hadn’t abandoned her calling as a nurse. Most days she put in as many hours teaching and nursing at the hospital as Kat did, then spent the rest of her time with her son.
“See you at lunch.” Sarah waved as she hurried down the hallway.
Kat stepped into Daniel’s office. Her life had begun to flow into an endless river of sameness. She even knew what Daniel would say when he saw her. Lately she’d sometimes found herself having fun by disrupting his predictable life.
“Morning.” She waited until she was in front of his desk to speak, knowing it would startle him.
Daniel jerked slightly, but didn’t drop anything this time as he looked up at her. “Katherine. I’m glad you’re early. Wait till I tell you about this article I’m reading.”
Katherine tried to act interested. “Can we read over breakfast?”
Daniel stood up and gathered his papers. “Of course.”
Katherine didn’t step back as he moved passed her. She knew she made him nervous when he had to be so close. She could almost see his hair thinning. But she couldn’t help herself; mischief just grew inside her sometimes like weeds in a garden, without purpose or intent.
“Katherine?” Daniel stopped before he opened the door.
“Yes,” she answered, looking directly into his ice-blue eyes.
As always he lost his nerve when she looked directly at him. “Nothing,” he finally said as he pulled the door open.
Kat wanted to scream. He’d been playing this game for weeks now. Ask me, Daniel! Whatever it is, ask me. How are you ever going to find a wife if you can’t even talk to a friend?
But aloud she said, “Want to come to dinner with Sarah and me tonight?”
Daniel nodded so fast she knew she’d guessed what his unasked question had been.
As they began their day, an idea formed inside Kat’s mind. Maybe Daniel wasn’t dashing or even all that good-looking, but he was stable. What better man to step in as a father for Matthew than a doctor right here in town?
Kat’s daydream of Daniel as Sarah’s future husband was short-lived. For though he talked with Sarah all evening, his gaze never left Katherine.
As the days passed, Kat tried everything to get the two together, but they were like two rain-soaked sticks. No matter how hard she rubbed them together, no sparks flew. Friday dinners became a habit with the three of them. Daniel talked of medicine, Sarah played with Matthew, and Katherine tried not to yawn.
Finally one Friday afternoon Daniel spoke first. “Would you like to go for a drive before dinner?”
Katherine stared at him for a moment, not believing that after all this time he’d asked a question of her. She smiled at him, loving his sudden bravery.
“Then it’s a yes?” Daniel said when he saw her expression.
“Sounds nice,” she said as she grabbed her coat. “As long as we’re back by six so I can help Sarah with dinner.”
As they drove outside the city, Daniel’s words began to sound rehearsed. “Katherine, we work well together, don’t you think?”
“Yes,” Kat answered, watching the sky and wishing it would snow.
“In all the months we’ve been together I can’t remember one time when you were unpleasant or harsh, and you share my interests.”
Katherine wasn’t fully listening. She’d learned months ago that most of what Daniel said required only a small amount of attention. He liked to reason out loud, and as long as Kat nodded her head now and then, he seemed happy.
Daniel pulled the car to the side of the road and faced her. “Katherine, I want to ask you something, and I hope you won’t take offense.”
Kat couldn’t imagine him saying anything less than proper.
“You can stop me at any time and we’ll forget I even brought the subject up.”
“Ask,” Kat almost shouted. For once he’d captured her full attention.
“I want you to know first that you don’t have to answer right now. I’m willing to wait.”
“Ask.”
Daniel straightened. “Katherine, would you consider becoming engaged?”
Kat knew her mouth was open, but she couldn’t seem to remember how to close it. “Are you asking me to marry you, Daniel?”
“Well, not exactly.” His hands gripped and released the steering wheel several times. “Actually, I’m asking you to get engaged. I thought we’d talk about marriage in a year or two.”
Katherine turned to stare out the window without saying a word. She knew she could do a lot worse than marry Daniel Lockhart. He’d been offered a job teaching in a local medical school. She’d have a nice life and always be close to Sarah and Matthew. Even if Cody came back, he might not be ready to settle down. He’d promised to return in a year and the date had passed. Katherine couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry. She’d just been offered everything she thought she wanted—by the wrong man. Or was he? Had she really given him a chance?
Slowly she turned to Daniel. “No one has ever asked me to get engaged. Shouldn’t you kiss me first?”
“Of course,” Daniel said. Then he leaned over and pressed his lips against hers as if he were performing a duty.
Again Katherine wanted to scream. Where was the passion? Where was the love? She closed her eyes. Maybe that was her problem. She’d had only the passion and never the day-to-day reality. Cody’s kind of love was wild and free. If she tried to tie him down, his love might die.
When she looked at Daniel, Kat saw the kindness in his eyes. He would never leave her. He’d never promise her rainbows and stars. His feet were planted solidly on the ground. He didn’t even like traveling to out-of-town medical conferences.
“You said I could have some time to think about it. Did you mean it?”
Daniel smiled with satisfaction. “Of course. I think that would be practical.” He pulled the car back onto the highway. “We’ll talk of it again when you’re ready.”
Katherine didn’t say another word all the way home. When he walked her to the dorm, she raised her face to him expecting a kiss, but he wasn’t so daring in front of the dorm.
“I think I’d best call it a night, Katherine,” he said. “I’ve several things to read before tomorrow.”
“But what about dinner?”
“Please give my apologies to Sarah.”
Katherine didn’t try to argue. After their drive she needed time away from Daniel to think. Without a word she nodded her acceptance of his cancellation.
“Good night, Katherine,” he said. “See you at breakfast.”
“Good night,” she answered, still confused by his tentative proposal.
* * *
As spring drifted into summer, the headlines spoke of the danger of war in Europe, but Katherine’s life had become a treadmill of predictability. Daniel had kept his promise: He never again mentioned his suggestion of that winter night, and Katherine thought that he had forgotten all about it. She taught classes in the mornings, kept Matthew in the afternoons, and worked the late shift at the hospital most nights. She fought the urge to run as fast and as far away from her life as she could, but she knew she’d designed and built her own prison. Expenses for the baby were high, but she saved all she could. By midsummer she had enough to make the first payment to Cody and found her opportunity in the paper.
Occasionally Katherine read Daniel the news of Cody’s triumphs, knowing he cared little.
No longer a junior member of the flying team, Cody had become a star in his own right. His stunts across the country had made him a dashing hero in many a young boy’s eyes. While flying he’d raced around a track against some of France’s top drivers. And finally he was coming to Dayton to fly a sunset race with pilots from around the world at the end of a week-long air show and fair.
Each time she read about Cody, she had but one plan: to see him again. Katherine wouldn’t allow herself to think of anything beyond giving him the money she owed him. Yet she couldn’t help remembering the smell of excitement that always s
urrounded him. She could almost taste the danger and fear clinging to his skin. He was more like her than anyone she’d ever met. She might be a nurse at a small hospital, but in her heart she flew every time Cody took to the air.
“I suppose you plan to attend the air show,” Daniel said, breaking into her thoughts at breakfast.
“Yes.” Katherine tried to hide her excitement about going. Daniel had never said a word against Cody, but she knew he thought that flying was a suicidal occupation.
“If we were officially engaged it wouldn’t be proper.”
Kat straightened. “But we’re not.”
“I’ve tried to be patient, but in two weeks I’ll start teaching at the medical school. I would like an answer.” He tried to keep his voice from shaking.
“I’ll give you my answer on Sunday,” Kat answered. She wanted to go to the air show and see Cody one last time. She wanted to see if the embers she carried for Cody still burned in her heart or, after all this time, her love for him had grown cold.
* * *
Several student nurses walked along with Katherine toward the air show the following evening, but she was not quite part of their group. Her thoughts were still filled with what to do about Daniel. She felt comfortable and safe with him, but she never felt the need to touch him as she hungered to touch Cody. Daniel would give her everything she’d dreamed of since she was a child. Everything but adventure and passion.
A sob caught in her throat when she realized how much like Miss Willingham she’d become over the past year. Her carriage was straight and tall, her hair carefully molded to her head. Even though only a few years separated her from students, she was no longer part of them. Somehow, while she’d been too busy to notice, the young girl had disappeared, leaving a woman in her place.
Unsmiling, Katherine entered the fairgrounds where the airshow was being held. Banners of all colors gave the spectators direction. A steam calliope had been placed beside a ticket booth adding to the carnival atmosphere. Several vendors hawked their wares, everything from popcorn to fresh cider as the last warmth of summer died in the air. Adults congregated in small groups while children ran among them.