Greek philosopher Aristotle observed that friendship is essential to human thriving. He noted that it comes in three versions:
1) those based on utility such as Facebook, LinkedIn, and other business and social contacts
2) those based on pleasure such as dancing or drinking, museums, book and movie buddies
3) those based on a shared pursuit of virtue — this often falls into the categories of religions and philosophy.
Aristotle believed that real friends are attracted to the best within each other. They are supportive, even when the friend makes mistakes or does not live up to their potential.
The BFF helps you become who you really are.
Friendship, like love, depends on idealization. Although the BFF is supposed to be always loyal, dramatic conflict can arise when friends do something we disapprove of or do not understand. That can put the friendship on hold or end it entirely. In The Four Feathers when one young soldier admits, “I don’t want to go to war”, it affects the friendships of the other three soldiers and his girlfriend. Then when he saves their lives and returns the white feathers – which are symbolic of cowardice -- they are all friends once again as he has redeemed himself and taken his place in the ideology of the friendships.
Some people are so desparate for friendship they overlay their desires on an unsuspecting or unworthy person. There’s an adorable greeting card with a picture of a little boy lying on the grass petting his turtle. He gazes at it affectionately and the word bubble says, “You’re my best friend”. The thought bubble above the turtle says, “You’re pathetic”. An example of the unworthy or dangerous projection of BFF is The Talented Mr. Ripley.
The Defining Myth
The Mesopotamian story of arrogant, sophisticated, womanizing king Gilgamesh and Enkidu, the gentle naive animal-loving man of the wilderness is one of the oldest “buddy stories”. It pits the city against the countryside, the vain against the humble, worldy versus innocent, the outgoing versus the introvert. Through the course of the story as they first fight and then struggle to work together, they bond into a true friendship that battles petty gods, scorned goddesses, scorpion men, fickle fate, helpful strangers and the ultimate tragedy of separation by death.
Exemplar Movies
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Thelma and Louise, Lawrence of Arabia, Tropic Thunder
Why it exists (evolutionary back-story)
Cooperation helps the survival of the group. Early man hunting in pairs won more battles with mammoths. In hunter-gatherer groups working together is essential.
“Who can you trust?” is a vital question for all of us. In your stories this is the purpose of the Sidekick, the Best Friend. They are the person who helps the Heroine, is loyal to her, is a sounding board for her – that is their function.
Reciprocity. The expectation of payback is certainly a part of the motivation behind taking care of our friends. The opportunity for dramatic conflict lies in a character’s failure to stand by their friend...“After all I’ve done for you!?”
How it works (physiology & psychology)
There are mirror neurons in our brains that control the monkey-see monkey-do phenomenon. Note how when you’re interacting with someone you will both reach up to scratch your head at the same time, or twist your hands together, or... Our brains are wired to reflect each other.
We are also wired for friendship and altruism. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/08/130822085804.htm
There are three categories of cues for friendship: proximity, affinity, commonality.
Proximity – when you’re younger it’s who is in your immediate environment of school and playground. When older it can be college, work, prison, the armed forces, office cubicles, etc. Jumping Jack Flash, 9 to 5, Office Space, Glengarry Glen Ross, Alien(s), Upstairs Downstairs
Affinity – Sports, playing cards, video games, car clubs, opera, movies. It’s not the organization, it’s the people in it. Trekkies – Free Enterprise. Bowling – The Big Lebowski. Surfing - Point Break. And of course, the guys in the Hangover series.
Commonality – Some BFFs are tied by some commonality. Divorce in The Odd Couple. Thelma and Louise are both tired of life. The Banger Sisters share memories of being rock-and-roll groupies. There could also be a 12-step program, where there’s the commonality of addiction.
You also see the opposite of this in The Odd Couple, where Oscar and Felix don’t have any affinity for each other, but they do have commonality. The story is about their lack of affinity which creates the tension between the characters and allows the story arc to continue.
Observe all three together – proximity, affinity, commonality -- in real life on film sets and in theatre groups, such as the Canadian TV series Slings and Arrows.
How it serves us now
We can all appreciate the comfort of a close friendship. As a subset of the larger community, it helps create and draw the community closer together on an individual level that affects the larger group. What Homer Simpson does with his neighbor Ned helps the larger community of Springfield. That relationship is part of the bigger community. The rewards from a deep and lasting friendship are both personal and for the group.
Best Friends can inspire us to be the best we can be. The best ones hold that image of our potential in focus and keep it safe for us, regardless of what we do. The best ones believe in us, at the highest level.
Examples in Myth and Legend
Hercules and Aeolus in Greek myth. Robin Hood, Friar Tuck, and Little John in English folklore. Gunnar and Siegfried in Teutonic myths immortalized in Gotterdamarung, the fourth of the Ring Cycle operas.
Examples in History and Current Events
Stanley and Livingston, British explorers in Africa.
Sir Edmund Hilary, the first person to successfully climb Mt. Everest, and Tengsin Norge, his Sherpa guide.
Apollo and Space Shuttle mission crews.
And think about your own Best Friends from grade school, high school, college, work, life. You’ll probably find some emotions and actions there that can inspire incidents that will ring true in your stories.
Examples in Media
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Captain Richard Sharp and Sgt. Major Patrick Harper from Sharpe’s Rifles novels and the BBC series.
In the cartoon world - Dagwood Bumstead and his neighbor Herb. Homer Simpson and his neighbor Ned.
Lethal Weapons(s) – Mel Gibson and Danny Glover trust each other, though they are worlds apart in style and situation.
Lone Ranger, The and Tonto
Man of La Mancha - Don Quixote and Sancho Panza
Man Who Would Be King, The - Daniel Dravot [Sean Connery] and Peachy Carnehan [Michael Caine].
Master and Commander – Captain Jack Aubrey and Dr. Stephen Maturin.
Mickey Mouse Club TV series – the planned charm of the series was that all the Mouseketeers were great friends and invited you to be great friends with them, too.
Power of One, The
Razor’s Edge, The - Larry Darrell and Gray Maturin.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, particularly in the latest BBC Masterpiece Theatre version with Benadict Cumberbatch, and in the films with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law.
Sting, The – the trust between the two is there at the beginning and at the end. And probably also all through the middle, although it didn’t look that way...but that was part of the sting.
Thelma and Louise - Thelma and Louise both make the decision together to go into the next realm.
Toy Story trilogy.
Tropic Thunder – Agent Matthew McConaughey’s longtime friendship with Ben Stiller’s Tug Speedman. Tug and Robert Downey Jr.’s Kirk Lazarus at the end form what you know will be a new BFF relationship.
In the end scene of the classic film Casablanca, Rick [Humphrey Bogart] says to Captain Renault [Claude Rains], “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”.
And for some
particular examples of the different pairings for Best Friends Forever –
Girl friends
Banger Sisters, The
Beaches
Boys on the Side
First Wives Club
Fried Green Tomatoes
Heat, The – FBI agent Sandra Bullock and Boston cop Melissa McCarthy
Little Women
Mystic Pizza
Rich and Famous
Steel Magnolias
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Boy friends/Bromance/Buddy movies
48 Hours
Batman and Robin
Boston Legal - Shatner and Spader
Clive Cussler stories – Dirk Pitt and Al Giorgino
Fandango – the five college guys in this Vietnam era road movie.
Galaxy Quest
Hangover, The
Indiana Jones series – Indy and Denholm Elliott’s Professor
Lawrence of Arabia and A Dangerous Man: Lawrence after Arabia - Lawrence and Sharif
Lethal Weapon(s)
Odd Couple, The
Point Break
Star Trek - Mister Spock, Captain Kirk, and Doctor McCoy.
Women in Love
A Guy and a Girl
Tales of the City - Mouse and Maryann
My Best Friend’s Wedding
Streets of Fire - Michael Pare’s Tom Cody and Amy Madigan’s soldier girl McCoy
Will & Grace – TV series
Coming of Age
Stand and Deliver
Stand by Me
Young Indiana Jones – TV series - Young Indy and Remy. Indy also bonds in different episodes with Krishnamurti and T.E. Lawrence.
Examples in Music
“For Good” in Wicked
“I’ll Be There for You” – the Rembrandts
“The Wind Beneath My Wings” - Beaches
“That’s What Friends are For” – Dionne Warwick
“You’ve Got a Friend” – Carly Simon
“You’ve Got a Friend in Me” – Randy Newman, used in Toy Story.
Symbols
Dualities.
The clasped hands, the reaching out to each other.
The Irish claddagh ring with two hands holding a crowned heart.
Knots.
Key Element – The Shining Moment
Two (or a few more) against the rest. The action is based on mutual trust. Butch and Sundance leaping off the cliff and Thelma and Louise driving off the cliff. In The Power of One, the two friends are fighting the police.
Written Descriptions
You need to make the distinction between shallow friendships ala the internet and true shared-experience, shared-worldview friendships from real life. The 2012 expose of Notre Dame football player Teo and his imaginary internet girlfriend is an example of the former. The Thelma and Louise relationship is an example of the latter. The distinction is an emotional commitment that can be realized in real physical action and presence. Can your character say to their friend, “I’ll be there for you” and really do it?
Life is a series of cycles and real friends go through them together, helping each other start over, renew their enthusiasm, make it through the hard times, etc. When something horrible or fabulous happens, “Who you gonna call?” It’s going to be your real friends. When friends actually show up on the doorstep in person, that’s BFF. When they go with you on some crazy mission, like in My Best Friend’s Wedding, that’s BFF.
In shallow relationships there is no beginning, no end, just the fleeting participation of the moment, a chuckle at a clever quip, or an LOL at a funny cat video.
Finishing each other’s sentences.
Knowing what the other is thinking and wants to do.
They’ll often dress like each other and then when they show up in matching outfits say, “What are we, in fifth grade?”
They like the same things, or if not, they tease each other good-naturedly about it.
They’ll stand up for each other and stand between danger and each other.
Link them by name when possible: “Jason and Steve ran to the edge” rather than “Jason ran to the edge. Steve followed.”
Cinematic Techniques
The clasped hands, the reaching out to each other.
Arm in arm.
The hug in Bromance stories. The friendly punch in the arm. Giving noogies.
The physical embrace. See the wrestling-nude-in-the-firelight scene between Rupert and Gerald in Women in Love.
Shoot them side-by-side, on equal angles so as not to over-emphasize one or the other.
Circle the camera around the two of them to make a visual cocoon as they look out at whatever enchants or endangers them.
Conclusion
The qualities of the BFF relationship are love, loyalty, and camaraderie based on total acceptance. It is non-judgmental about each other’s bad behaviours. It is always supportive. It is long-lasting even when separated by time and place.
The BFF is a comfort and an inspiration. In your stories these friends can offer support and can straighten out your heroine when she is getting off track.
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Exercise #1 – Awareness
Who are your favourite examples of BFF in history, myth, or current real life?
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Exercise #2 – Writing
Write a version of the scene you have chosen with the characters as strangers. Then write it with the same people as long-time Best Friends Forever.
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Further Reading
Inner Drives – Pamela Jaye Smith
Little Women
Power of the Dark Side - Pamela Jaye Smith
Symbols.Images.Codes - Pamela Jaye Smith
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
Women in Love
Yaya Sisterhood, The
Further Viewing
Big Chill, The
Blue Crush
Four Feathers, The
Friends – TV series
Importance of Being Earnest, The
New Girl, The – TV series
Sex and the City – TV series
Talented Mr. Ripley, The
Tales of the City – TV series
Two Broke Girls – TV series
CHAPTER FOUR
Warrior Bonding
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.
Shakespeare - Henry V, St. Crispin’s Day Speech
Warrior bonding is a very special kind of Love. It only occurs between people who have faced great danger together, who have shared the fear, the sense of adventure, the fierce protectiveness of each other, the bewildering relief when the danger has passed, and the spectrum of returning home to a hero’s welcome or to not being appreciated by the very people they fought to save.
Though typically warrior bonding is forged when you’re being shot at, it is often enough to know that you might be attacked, bombed, etc. In the long-running hit TV series M*A*S*H*, most of the action was at the field hospital. The danger was over the Korean hills from which there was always the possibility of stray artillery or a direct attack on their camp.
This kind of love is most often a heightened version of the BFF Best Friends Forever and a variation on Family Love with a lot of Love of Country thrown in. It’s a heady mix and is bound to deeply affect your characters.
Combat veterans will sometimes admit that they love their war buddies more than their spouses and their children. There is something so very intense about that bond that makes it stand out from all others.
The Definin
g Myth
The Knights of the Round Table were bound by oaths of loyalty, belief in the rightness of their actions centering around the nobility of King Arthur and his vision for peace, and later their Quest for the elusive Holy Grail. Knights forged strong bonds with each other in Camelot and out slaying dragons and saving damsels and would come to each other’s aid in an instant.
Exemplar Movies
Star Trek Into Darkness, Camelot, Tropic Thunder, The Wild Bunch, Magnificent Seven, Seven Samurai, Dawn Patrol
Why it exists (evolutionary back-story)
Survival is easier when you’re not alone. Also, there is a synergistic effect where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Whether you’re hunting dangerous animals or fighting off an invading army, teamwork carries the day.
The Warrior Caste is a unique and separate group within a culture, just as are the priesthood, the government, the educators, the healers, the artists, etc. This distinct division of labour typically forms at earlier stages of cultural development than the others.
How it works (physiology & psychology)
The heightened adrenalin of fight-or-flight situations creates deep impressions on the mind. The amygdala which processes fear affects many other parts of the brain; this effect can be seen in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
Show Me the Love! Page 4