by Claire Ayres
As they start to drive off, Jay asks, “Where is that useless boyfriend of yours?”
Jess shrugs and shakes her head. It’s hard finding the words to explain to a friend that your boyfriend never tells you where he is going anymore.
“He’s not useless, I’m so hard to be around,” Jess says instead, defending him. “Ade is a good guy, he has it hard.” She continues to convince herself as much as them. Jay scoffs and Katie responds:
“Jess, you realise Ade should have done this months ago. If he loved you he would have made sure you were looked after instead of letting you get worse. I know you love him, he’s being a shit though.” Jess puts her head in her hands, shaking it, she can’t believe Ade would treat her badly on purpose, not Ade.
They arrive at the doctors and after waiting for what seems like an eternity it is time for Jess’ appointment.
“Hello Jessica, please take a seat. How can I help you today?” The doctor is friendly and a little older than her. She smiles at Jess kindly, offering silent reassurance, and takes a deep breath.
“I haven’t been myself for a while, I’ve felt really demotivated, sad. I’ve been crying a lot, feeling very stressed and anxious,” Jess explains in a burst of words, one tripping over the next. Looking around the doctor’s office nervously she takes in the bed along the wall, the shelf of books, and the various pieces of medical equipment such as the blood pressure machine dotted about the doctor’s desk haphazardly. She finally settles looking out of the window at a tree just the other side and finds the leaves moving in the breeze mildly relaxing in this clinical environment.
“How long has this been going on?” the doctor asks, scribbling some notes on her pad.
“About three months now,” Jess replies, wringing her hands and bouncing her knee uncontrollably.
“What about work?”
“Well, I go, and I keep to myself, I avoid anything social, or getting too involved with people.”
“And what about your sleeping patterns?”
“I don’t really sleep, I stare at the ceiling most nights. When I do sleep I have nightmares.”
“OK, Jessica, it sounds like you’ve got mild depression, you have the classic signs. What do you think?”
“Ummm, that hadn’t crossed my mind if I’m honest. I guess now that you say it, it does make sense.”
“What I would like is to get you some talking therapy. However, the waiting times are long, so, for now, I will prescribe you an anti-depressant. They need about 4-6 weeks to take effect, so don’t give up on them. Okay?”
Jess nods, taking the prescription. Feeling shell-shocked, she walks back to the waiting room. Katie and Jay eagerly await her return. Her friends give her supportive hugs and say all the right things but ultimately though, she realises this is down to her to find a way through. How had she missed that she was living with depression for all this time? No wonder Ade is sick of me, she thinks as she follows her friends back to the car.
Katie and Jay take Jess home and the three of them curl up on the sofa, putting on a movie. Katie has her arm draped around Jess and Jay is stroking her hair, the two friends who are trying to make her feel comforted and well. Ade walks in towards the end of the movie, slamming the front door. He has been drinking and the stench of alcohol is pouring from him.
“Well, isn’t this cosy?” he sneers. All three friends sit up, almost guiltily, in response and Jess automatically tries to iron things out quickly.
“Hi honey, do you want to join us, we were going to put another film on?” she says.
“No, you obviously don’t need me here with your cosy threesome,” Ade sulks in response.
Katie and Jay look at each other, and as Jess glances back and forth between them, she catches their eyes narrowing, the slight inflections in their mouths that are saying, “time to go or I’m going to lose my shit.” It crushes her knowing they feel this way, that they want to get out of her presence so quickly because of Ade’s temper, then just like that look passes across their faces it is gone and they both stand.
“We need to head out anyway, and you two should talk,” Katie says, giving Jess a pointed look and then glaring at Ade. There is no love lost there. Jess doesn’t know why Katie hates him so much. She misses the time when they were all friends, back when they all started dating. She leans over and gives Jess a kiss on her cheek. Jay follows suit then purposely bumps Ade’s shoulder as he walks past, their history boiling up between them, as he walks out behind Katie. Ade turns, anger flashing across his face and he steps towards the door to follow them. Jess’ body tenses fearful of things devolving into a full-blown fight between these ex-best-friends.
“Ade, honey, leave it. Please?”
He turns, his fists clenched. Why can’t my best friends and my boyfriend get on? is all that Jess can think as she watches Ade try to get a handle on his anger.
“Why was that asshole kissing you?” Ade wastes no time in demanding. Jess sighs: he is impossible when he is in this mood, angry and stubborn. She also hates that he is so jealous of Jay: they used to be best friends until they fell out, now they won’t even look at each other. Jess’ cheeks flush with anger and her voice raises slightly, something she rarely does with Ade.
“That’s what you want to know, why my best friend’s boyfriend, your ex-best friend, gave me a goodbye kiss on the cheek?” she says with sass and frustration.
“You’re not his to kiss,” he states, before kneeling in front of Jess taking her head in his hands and placing his lips on hers, firm and full. This kiss was an ownership claim. There was nothing romantic about this kiss. He moves his hand so he has her chin in his grip, possessing her. He bites her lips between kisses, not little nips but full bites, breaking the skin and drawing blood.
He has not kissed her like this in a long time, she can taste the alcohol on his breath. But he also tastes like Ade, her Ade, the man she has craved attention from. When he draws away he is breathless, Jess is breathless and feels flushed. Her lips are swollen and bruised but she misses him, she misses them, she knows this depression has been a barrier to what they’ve had and she needs to get it back. She reaches her hand to his face and strokes her thumb across his cheek as he leans into it.
“I’ve missed you,” he states, calmer, softer, more loving.
“I miss you too,” and Jess leans in to kiss him again, and she smiles at how responsive he is. He does still love her. Her heart fills knowing that she still has Ade in her corner.
“I need to talk to you,” Jess whispers tentatively. He frowns then comes to sit next to Jess, pulling her onto his lap, like he used to before they grew distant.
“Tell me,” is all he says.
“I went to the doctor.” He squeezes her hand, kisses the corner of her mouth. Jess continues: “She says it’s depression, why I’ve been so off my game, not myself.”
His fingers tense across Jess’ lap and arm where they were previously casually placed. They get so tight she whines and pulls away, feeling the ache of a bruise that has yet to come out. His jaw is clenched, his eyes are tightened to slits. It’s OK though, Jess thinks, she knew this would be a difficult conversation for him, they will work through it together though. She rushes on, needing to reassure him, show him they will be fine.
“I have tablets, they will take a little while to work but then I will be back to myself, it will all be OK.”
Jess squeezes out a smile and runs her hand across his cheek, trying to show him the proof of her words. After a long pause he finally speaks: “What do you mean a little while to work?”
“The doctor said 4-6 weeks,” she responds, stroking his hair.
“Are you having a laugh?” He’s laughing, this is not a funny laugh though, there is absolutely nothing funny about Ade right now from the look on his face to his body language or the way he is touching her. “Jessica, you know what I went through growing up, that I can’t put myself through that again.” He sighs. “I thought this was a passing phas
e.”
Jess looks at him, holding the tears back in her eyes, determined not to cry. What is he getting at?
“Ade, I’m not your Mum, I’m going to be OK, things will go back to normal,” she pleads.
Ade grew up in an unhappy and abusive home, at the centre of that his Mum had depression. She was also an alcoholic, as a result he doesn’t separate everything very well which is understandable.
“Things won’t be normal, will they? I’ll have another month of all this bullshit? Do you know what it’s been like living with you detached from me for months now?” Jess shrinks back, shaking her head, afraid to speak. “It’s awful and it’s miserable. And sex, well I can swing from the chandelier for that, can’t I?”
Jess gapes, she doesn’t know what to say, he’s getting angrier with every word he utters. He violently shoves her back onto the couch and away from him, no longer wanting her on his lap, and she knows she is collecting more than bruises today. Bouncing on the leather seat as she lands, she automatically grabs for the cushion she has come to use as a protective blanket and clutches it desperately. Something is seriously wrong here and she can’t hold back the big, ugly tears because she doesn’t know what else to do.
“I’ve loved you since day one, Jess, and you couldn’t stay well for me? That’s all I wanted from you - for you to love me back and to stay well and happy. Why was that too hard?”
Jess stares in stunned silence and tries to respond, as he storms around pacing the floor in front of her.
“Ade? Please. Stop. Why do you think I did this on purpose, Ade? Do you think I want to feel like this? I miss you so much and I hate that I’m hurting you, it’s killing me. I would do anything to not be hurting you.” She wishes he could see that. She wishes he could see how much she loves him, how hard this is. He stops pacing, stands right in front of her, his hands clenched into fists, tears in his eyes.
“I can’t be around someone with such negative energy. We’re over, Jessica.”
An unnatural wail is pulled from Jess as she doubles over, struggling to breathe, her heart shattering as his words sink in. He goes to the bedroom and she listens to him opening and closing the cupboards as he packs his belongings. She doesn’t know what to do except sit there and watch as what little remains of her heart walks out the door with the man she loves.
Acknowledgments
The journey to this book has been long. It was finished over a year ago before my first book Entrapped was published. After my own marriage ended I lost the faith in the kind of love I write about and couldn’t bring myself to get this edited and published, I had in effect decided not to publish this book, so I have to start by thanking my sister Jenn for reading the book in it’s raw form and encouraging me to go for it. She even bought the cover as motivation.
Author James J Cudney got me through writing most of this book and his ideas and feedback helped me shape things for the final version.
I also have to thank my beta readers. Their input was invaluable, and I forever appreciate their time.
Finally, thank you to my parents who believe in me and support me whatever the weather.
About Claire Ayres
Claire lives in Bristol, UK and has taken her inspiration from the people and the places she has seen over the years. She always has a book close at hand and devours Fantasy and Romance like some devour chocolate! Claire loves a happily ever after followed by lots of bloody sword-fighting and dangerous dragons! But when writing her novels drew on her childhood ambition to be a musician and one of the instruments she played and still loves as a centre-point.
Claire is also a passionate mental health advocate who lives with bipolar disorder and has done regular radio interviews and even some TV. She is also a huge heavy metal fan and can regularly be found banging her head at a concert or festival.